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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He can't get over my abortion...should we split up?

90 replies

Crumpets4butter · 15/08/2020 13:43

Me and my partner have been having huge problems in lockdown. He has been picking at me for little things, going mad about the housework, saying I've been doing nothing whilst he has been busy with work and saying I'm pathetic for being on antidepressants. A few times things have come to a head and he suggest we start proceedings to sell the house.

I have found out where all this anger stems from today. I have DD aged 2.8, she is a wonderful child but I struggled massively at first and developed post partum psychosis for which I was on the waiting list for a mother and baby unit and was on anti psychotic medication for over a year. When DD was 18 months I found out I was pregnant again (total suprise and 1 in a million chance). After some soul searching I had a termination, I told my partner about it all and although he was sad he was onboard at first. After I had it our relationship started to go downhill and he has never really gotten over it. I've been called a baby killer by him 😭
I did what I thought was best for my mental health and chance of survival, I'm not proud of what I did but it was the right decision. I love DD to the moon and back but don't want to have another child and was terrified. DP didn't pull his weight when she was tiny and didn't understand about my mental health so much so that MIL had to move in a for a few weeks so I could cope.. and I was up all night breastfeeding. I just can't do it again. I think people are amazing for having 2 or more kids but I know it isn't for me.

DP says he feels he has been robbed of the chance of having a son and wish he knew I'd go nuts after having DD before he'd settled down with me. He said he asked me if I wanted kids and not 'a kid' in the early days. He says he wants a clean break and we should put the house up for sale.

I've suggested counselling but they can't change the past can they.

What can I do?

OP posts:
Bunnymumy · 15/08/2020 14:46

I wouldn't go to counciling WITH him as he is abusive. You should never go to counciling with an abuser. But getting some individual therapy might help you. Hopefully help you to understand that you were always worth more than having this manipulative, cruel shitehead for a husband.

AgentJohnson · 15/08/2020 14:51

He was always this person! Prioritise your mh and get rid.

Chloemol · 15/08/2020 15:17

You made the decision that was best for you and your child

If he can’t see that, or that,he didn’t pull his weight when the child was a baby, or that it’s not acceptable to call someone a baby killer or believe you have mh problems that needs support then he is not the one for you and you need to end it

Collect everything together, and agree to sell the house and move on

Yours and your child’s health is far more important than him

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 15/08/2020 15:24

He missed out on having his 'son' - even though his daughter and wifes lives may have been at risk. He is sexist pig. What he is putting you through is horrendous and from the sound of it is partly his fault anyway. Of course he didn't help when your daughter was born, that kind of man never does.

category12 · 15/08/2020 15:27

Wow.

Yes, you should split up. What an unpleasant man.

Newwayofthinking · 15/08/2020 15:55

Robbed him of having a son, so his daughter isn't good enough?

What if you have another girl, and another, and another?

He is so selfish, where is his understanding about your mental health.

Dump him and enjoy your daughter

fuckingcovid · 15/08/2020 15:58

End the relationship.

He can just fuck the off to hell as far as I would be concerned. The baby killer taunt was unforgivable. It can never be taken back and shows what a shallow selfish piece of shit he is.

Happy to see you in a hell of psychotic chaos, was he? That would be it for me and I suspect, most reasonable people.

Harrysmum2020 · 15/08/2020 16:01

Please get away from this awful man you’ve been through so much and should be proud mental illness is just that an illness if you had a serious disease would he want you to have another baby? He’s a vile man Flowers

rvby · 15/08/2020 16:01

There's a place in hell for men like this. Utterly, spine chillingly vile. How fucking dare he.

Let him go. Don't defend yourself, don't explain yourself. He deserves nothing from you. Vile, vile man.

Sunrise234 · 15/08/2020 16:04

I don't think this is something either of you can ever get over.

You might be able to work things out and be happy for a few months but eventually it will come up again and you'll be back to square one.

What's the point in hanging on to the inevitable - I would leave now and not drag it out anymore.

3sb73zmlsn98 · 15/08/2020 16:21

NC for this for obvious reasons.
I know someone whose mother had post partum psychosis after having her second child. She killed her first child, a toddler, and tried to kill herself.
Her partner told her it wasn't her, it was the illness, and when she was released from the psychiatric hospital came to bring her home.
The surviving baby had very serious mental health problems much later in life though, probably due to being separated from mum so early on (+ possibly, also, her having a fragile mental state before and after her hospitalization).
As that above illustrates, sad as it was, you most likely chose the least worst thing in a terrible situation.
Hugs, but he really doesn't seem worth fighting to keep - he just doesn't sound like a good kind person.

NotaCoolMum · 15/08/2020 16:23

You poor thing 💐 so sorry you’ve had to go through this. He sounds like an abusive bastard to me. How dare he throw it back in your face like that? I think he’s right with one thing- make a clean break so you can get the hell away from him. 💐💐💐

pointythings · 15/08/2020 16:33

Let him go. He doesn't deserve you. He's a selfish lazy bastard who wasn't there for you when you needed him both. He's only focused on having a son - so what would have happened if you'd kept it and it had been another DD? This man doesn't love you. And as pp have said, your depression will lift massively when you are rid of him.

You did the right thing. You took action to save your own life and ensure your DD continued to have a loving mother.

ivfdreaming · 15/08/2020 17:38

I don't think there is any coming back from this either sadly. And whilst your partner hasn't handled this at all well I do feel for him in that not only is he grieving the baby he wanted but also the family he always imagined and that should be recognised. Men often have a whimsical view of how they imagine family life being just as much as women do. Just to be clear I'm Not condoning what he said to you about being a "baby killer". The depression/psychosis of course isn't your fault but living with someone who is on anti depressants/has mental health issues isn't easy for the other person either and can easily lead to negative feelings and resentment that is hard to see past and for which no amount of relationship therapy can overcome. I think perhaps this relationship has run its course - you both want/need things from a partner which you aren't able to get from each other

Wondersense · 15/08/2020 17:45

Yep - I think it's time for you to separate. Definitely.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/08/2020 18:09

It's possible it's not actually anything to do with your abortion or him wanting a son or anymore of the vicious hateful crap he's spouting. It's all about him finding your weak spot and using it to beat you down. He's not 'punishing' you for the abortion, he's just 'punishing' you - and he knows this is the easiest way to hurt you and to make himself 'the big man'. If you had not had an abortion he'd have found something else to beat you with. He's a hateful man full of hate and anything you do will be hated by him. He wants to hurt you and this is just a convenient excuse.

Isthisit22 · 15/08/2020 18:28

Total lies from your husband to cover something else (affair maybe?). He hardly even bothers with the toddler you have so why on earth would he want another one.

It suits his narrative for you to be the bad guy, I'm afraid because he wants to split.
See this as a blessing in disguise and take care of yourself Flowers

AcrossthePond55 · 15/08/2020 18:33

He's disgusting and vile.

I understand about making decisions to best manage your MH. One of those decisions is to put yourself in the very best 'living situation' you can. An atmosphere as calm and as positive as possible.

Please leave him.

Bunnymumy · 15/08/2020 18:34

Agree with pp. If it wasnt that it would be something else he could use to hurt you. A jibe at your appearance or some other crap to make you feel like shit. Because that's what bullies do.

I hope you are taking in these replies op. I suspect it may be a shock to you, reading all these peoples comments calling him abusive - but they are 100% on the mark. No one who loves someone would treat them like this. A half decent person wouldn't even treat their arch enemy, the way he has treated you.

I hope you start to see things more clearly now. And get yourself and your little one out from under his dominion.

EKGEMS · 15/08/2020 18:56

bluebell4 Counseling is NEVER advised with an abuser and thus motherfucker is the very definition of an abusive person emotionally and verbally

JammyHands · 15/08/2020 19:15

I’m with @isthis22 and @rvby

He’s decided he wants out of the relationship (wait for the OW to pop up) and is behaving appallingly to you in order to cover his tracks. Dump him, OP. You deserve better.

copperoliver · 15/08/2020 22:00

End this relationship he is a nasty bully and if it wasn't this he was having a go at you for it would be something else. He's got the hump because he couldn't control the situation. You did what was best for all of you and as for he wouldn't have settled down with you if I'd have known. Tell him we aren't tidied together you can pack your bags and leave today. X

GammyLeg · 15/08/2020 22:04

Baby killer? How appalling of him. He is a nasty abuser and I hope you can get shot of him.

Fightthebear · 15/08/2020 22:09

You say you’re not proud of what you did.

Actually you should be, you made the best decision for your daughter’s well being and your mental health.

He is horrible.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 15/08/2020 23:13

Wow. What a dick he is. You'd be so much happier without this piece of shit in your life op.