He can't get over my abortion...should we split up?

[Crumpets4butter]

Me and my partner have been having huge problems in lockdown. He has been picking at me for little things, going mad about the housework, saying I've been doing nothing whilst he has been busy with work and saying I'm pathetic for being on antidepressants. A few times things have come to a head and he suggest we start proceedings to sell the house.

I have found out where all this anger stems from today. I have DD aged 2.8, she is a wonderful child but I struggled massively at first and developed post partum psychosis for which I was on the waiting list for a mother and baby unit and was on anti psychotic medication for over a year. When DD was 18 months I found out I was pregnant again (total suprise and 1 in a million chance). After some soul searching I had a termination, I told my partner about it all and although he was sad he was onboard at first. After I had it our relationship started to go downhill and he has never really gotten over it. I've been called a baby killer by him 😭
I did what I thought was best for my mental health and chance of survival, I'm not proud of what I did but it was the right decision. I love DD to the moon and back but don't want to have another child and was terrified. DP didn't pull his weight when she was tiny and didn't understand about my mental health so much so that MIL had to move in a for a few weeks so I could cope.. and I was up all night breastfeeding. I just can't do it again. I think people are amazing for having 2 or more kids but I know it isn't for me.

DP says he feels he has been robbed of the chance of having a son and wish he knew I'd go nuts after having DD before he'd settled down with me. He said he asked me if I wanted kids and not 'a kid' in the early days. He says he wants a clean break and we should put the house up for sale.

I've suggested counselling but they can't change the past can they.

What can I do?

This man is abusive - i doubt he cares about the abortion he is just using it to hurt and control you. That's what my abusive ex did.

please get out of this awful relationship. And get support in place for your MH now. What a vile person your partner is. Im so sorry OP.

It is commonly advised that people do not go to counciling with an abuser because the abuser can manipulate the councillor onto their side. Not all therapists have much knowledge of cluster b personalities, unfortunately. Also if you are in the thrall of gaslighting and emotional.abusr and then have to sit there whilst your abuser slates you to some other individual... essentially you are just giving your abuser another person to manipulate you through. And this one may, if hoodwinked, believe your abusers manipulations too. And then you have a problem because now a trained psychiatrist is suggesting you have the issues that he has been accusing you of for years.

Of course there are incidences where it may work because the therapist may spot what is going on. A similar thread was posted on here recently where the therapist asked to see the woman on her own from then on as her partner was abusive.

But really, that was lucky. It's a risk. It's something that is commonly quoted, that there should never be joint counciling. Because these gits can hoodwink anyone.

[quote bluebella4]@EKGEMS I dont agree! People have went to counselling and realised how they arent compatible and went their separate way. Others have learned how their abusive behaviour and the impact it has had on their partners. Others have just left and never returned.

If a couple chooses to go then they do. What evidence suggests otherwise? I would genuinely be interested in reading about this.
I did do training in abuse where domestic couples where counseled separately but in a group (so abusive men in a group and the women in a different group) this had to be shut down because the men were boosting. But when coupled the outcome was different, actually a mixed outcome. Some weren't aware and changed, then they had to deal with other issues from their realisation. Some were just narcissistic psychopaths. [/quote]
And many counsellors are quite naïve about abuse and fail to spot the warning signs of an abuser.

There's no way I'd have survived couples counselling with my ex. He's quite dominant when speaking and I've never felt comfortable speaking with him about any issues as he just speaks over me and doesn't accept any criticism. I feel pushed into a box and unable to speak around him.

So I don't speak to him now at all, and when I left him I ignored him and his request for counselling. I know that if I'd gone everything would have been twisted to blame me. That's how abusers work in counselling.

I agree that some counsellors are very naive. If their assessment is done correctly and they're training is well informed and up to date, abuse shouldn't be missed nor accepted. A well informed counsellor will recognise this. Alot of counsellors don't assess and therefore a whole lot of information is missed but consequently dismissed.

Just leave. This will never get better. It will likely get worse.

@bluebella4 Every counseling course textbook at university explicitly states no joint counseling with an abuser

If I was your mum, you and your daughter would be out of there faster than your feet could touch the ground.

Do not go to counselling. You can't counsel someone out of that mindset.

And he's basically telling your daughter he doesn't want her.

Make plans to leave. Get copies of any joint paperwork and get that house on the market.

[quote EKGEMS]@bluebella4 Every counseling course textbook at university explicitly states no joint counseling with an abuser [/quote]
Is that a recent thing @ekgems?

I had the most horrendous experience with joint counselling with my abuser. The counsellor almost immediately sided with my abuser. I pushed for counselling in the hope that the counsellor would be able to see his abuse and somehow help but I came away with less power than I went in. I actually gave up my one life passion (my 2 half hour riding lessons a week, I’d already given up my horses at his ‘request’) because he persuaded her I was neglecting him! She actually told me I was using it as an escapism from the realities of working on my relationship and that I should give it up at least for a while to concentrate on DH!!!. I never got back into it for many reasons but I will never forgive the therapist. The abuse got way worse after our sessions. She was completely oblivious to what was going on under her nose. I only ever recommend personal 121 therapy now.

I'm really sorry, OP. I can't believe anyone would be this cruel:

DP says he .... wish he knew I'd go nuts after having DD before he'd settled down with me.

He's 100% checked out of your relationship. So it's easy now: you're not married, I take it?

Steps:

1. Get the house valued and on the market;
2. contact the CSA to start child maintenance;
3. Agree how you'll split equity from the sale. If you can't agree, see a solicitor.
4. Get your own financial paperwork in order to get a mortgage, or rent a place.
5. Start looking for places as soon as your house is under offer.

Just a side thought, I always worry about the possibility of people working in fields where they have access to vulnerable people, being the very same monsters as the abusive partner. Because these sorts often gravitate towards places where they can have power over the vulnerable. And of course, if they see abuse in a couples situation, chances are they may relish siding with the abuser.

It's a scary thought but one of the worst humans I've ever had the misfortune to meet worked in that area for 30 years (according to him anyway lol) before he retired. And another, I've heard through the grapevine, is studying psychology so I worry he may be planning a similar route. Hopefully he wont get far.

I suppose these sorts would still be a problem in individual therapy to though. But could you imagine two malignant bastards ganging up on you. Shudder.

*too though

He’s a vile abuser. As other PP’s have said, there’s no way back from the baby killer comment. That can never be unsaid. I can’t think of anything a man could ever say to me that would be more abusive. Obviously it’s your choice but I would end it for this. It’s unforgivable.

@ilikemethewayiam No,not recent (graduated university 20+) years ago but it's been explained better by other posters

He is so vile, you were seriously ill but apparently he did his part by working

Suicide is such an old trick in the book. He wants you around so he can berate and abuse you forever

If he is so desperate for a son he can piss off and have one with someone else that will tolerate his shittiness.