He can't get over my abortion...should we split up?

[Crumpets4butter]

Me and my partner have been having huge problems in lockdown. He has been picking at me for little things, going mad about the housework, saying I've been doing nothing whilst he has been busy with work and saying I'm pathetic for being on antidepressants. A few times things have come to a head and he suggest we start proceedings to sell the house.

I have found out where all this anger stems from today. I have DD aged 2.8, she is a wonderful child but I struggled massively at first and developed post partum psychosis for which I was on the waiting list for a mother and baby unit and was on anti psychotic medication for over a year. When DD was 18 months I found out I was pregnant again (total suprise and 1 in a million chance). After some soul searching I had a termination, I told my partner about it all and although he was sad he was onboard at first. After I had it our relationship started to go downhill and he has never really gotten over it. I've been called a baby killer by him 😭
I did what I thought was best for my mental health and chance of survival, I'm not proud of what I did but it was the right decision. I love DD to the moon and back but don't want to have another child and was terrified. DP didn't pull his weight when she was tiny and didn't understand about my mental health so much so that MIL had to move in a for a few weeks so I could cope.. and I was up all night breastfeeding. I just can't do it again. I think people are amazing for having 2 or more kids but I know it isn't for me.

DP says he feels he has been robbed of the chance of having a son and wish he knew I'd go nuts after having DD before he'd settled down with me. He said he asked me if I wanted kids and not 'a kid' in the early days. He says he wants a clean break and we should put the house up for sale.

I've suggested counselling but they can't change the past can they.

What can I do?

I don’t think there’s any coming back from this. He has said some unforgivable things. Save your sanity, sell.

OP, why aren't you running for the hills? He sounds like a vicious and nasty narcissist. You are not 'pathetic' for being on anti-depressants. You are caring for your mental health by taking them. Have you told him he was useless when you had your daughter? It sounds like he is a pos and the sooner you are rid of him, the better. Don't walk, RUN! You deserve so much better than that abhorrent worthless abusive narcissist.

Thank you everyone for your replies. Thank you to those of you who said I made the right decision regarding a termination. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Only me and him know about it and when someone calls you these names and that you've ruined their life you start to believe it.

He's gotten worse today, saying I've robbed him of his dreams and he wish he'd knew what I was like years ago as he would never have gotten with me.
I mentioned that he didn't step up when I had my daughter and he said he played his part by working all hours to provide for us...but that's not always enough is it?
He also said he's going to kill himself after the house is sold as I've ruined his life😞

I've spoken to my parents who want me to try and work it out. I really really don't see how. I want to put wheels in motion about selling but I don't really know the first steps to take.

Can anyone advise?

Don't listen to your parents, listen to you. If your DD was grown up, what would you advise her to do? It sounds like your marriage is broken down and the question is can it be salvaged. How do your feel? What do you get out of this marriage?

Take with a pinch of salt the threats that he will kill himself. He is punishing you. If he threatens immediate suicide at any time, call the police.

He sounds really nasty, how awful for you. You definitely did the right wrong with your termination.

He won't commit suicide and if he threatens it again, call the police.

You should split, you can't be in a relationship with a man who sounds so heartless about your mental health problems

He's verbally/emotionally abusive, manipulative, cruel, and sexist for his "feel robbed of having a son" because there was never a guarantee your 2nd child would have been a boy anyway, he pretty much admitted he didn't want daughters.

He's blaming you, and taking no responsibility for anything.
Leave him. YOU DID NOTHING WRONG.

If he's so unhappy, he is free to leave and start over with someone else, but he's not doing that is he?

I had a boyfriend who used to threaten suicide whenever I didnt do what he wanted - he never actually did. Read up on DARVO - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It's the classic abuse pattern, making out he is the one being hurt by you, all to distract you from the fact it's exactly the other way around in reality. Suicide threats in this context are just the escalation. Once you spot it, you'll always see it in action. It's depressingly common.

You have done nothing wrong, you are a whole person and not some vehicle for producing his desired progeny that he can berate, manipulate, denigrate and threaten at will.

As for next steps, I'm not really sure but the CAB or a solicitor can't be far off the mark. Some women's support organisations might also be helpful for you. But I'd be taking my DD and getting out ASAP in your shoes. This man is not worth your mental health or self esteem.

I think this relationship is destructive for both of you. He's grieving and lashing out. And to be honest his feelings of contributing by going out to work to support the family are not unusual - many men are a bit lost in the first months and feel a bit surplus to requirements as all the baby needs at that age is its mother. You can't turn back the clock - perhaps he didn't really know/understand how bad your condition was and what it really meant. What's done is done. He will always harbour feelings of resentment because you can't/won't have more children and you'll always be resentful that he wasn't as supportive as he could have been - you'll just go around in circles playing the blame game and it's not healthy for either of your or your child

ivfdreaming I think your stance on abortion is clouding your judgement here - you seem to want to make this a 50/50 responsibility situation. It really isn't. OP's partner failed her absolutely. Cut it out with the 'oh, maybe he didn't know maybe he didn't notice'. If that's the case, he was always a failure as a partner. Calling your OH a babykiller is abusive. Don't be an apologist for abuse.

How awful that your parents are encouraging you to stay! Do they know he called you a baby killer and says you ruined his life? Surely not or I don't see how they could want you to stay with this nasty man. If they do know, they should be ashamed of themselves. And I wouldn't look to them for support moving forwards. Because they suck. And may be part of the reason you picked this horrible husband in the first place.

Haha right so he needs to wait until the house sells in order to kill himself xD what adoes he need the money to weigh himself down with in the water? What a fuckwit.

It's the typical abuser manipulative shit op. If you go and he threatens his life, call him an ambulance and tell them, they'll soon deal with his bullshit. Itll be 'I cant believe you told on me...wahhhh!'. But he wont pull the 'I'll kill myself' crap again.

To put the house on the market (assuming it is owned outright?) just call a few estate agents. They will come round and look and suggest what they could sell it for and you pick the one that gives you the best price. Or whatever other perks.

Maybe you should speak to a solicitor first though. Just to see if they think there are any tricks hubby the prick, might try to pull.

Op, is he your husband, or partner? As that can make a huge difference to the legal aspects of a split.

@pointythings

I don't fundamentally disagree with abortion.....I have also lived with a person with mental health issues. I see it from both sides. The problem is most of munsnet refuse to see anything from a mans point of view whatever the issue, whatever the situation. I'm trying to provide some perspective.

ivfdreaming we'll have to disagree then. This isn't about not seeing the man's point of view. Of course he is grieving. But he acquiesced to the abortion and is now using it as a stick to beat the OP with - that's abuse. Calling your partner a babykiller is abuse. And I am so bloody tired of the 'oh but men don't get it when their partners have babies' excuse - they should. If they have an ounce of intelligence, empathy and insight they should see that their partner is struggling and step up.

I have also lived with a husband who had mental health issues. It's not quite the same as postpartum psychosis, which is temporary and triggered by childbirth.

OP I think you need to talk to some of your RL friends to get some support. In an ideal world your parents would provide this, but it sounds like they may be coming at this from a very pro-marriage-as-institution standpoint. (My sister had the same problem with her church when her marriage ended in DV - they had this whole "marriage is sacred" thing going on which meant they wouldn't support her to leave even when her now ex husband was beating seven shades of crap out of her! ). Not saying your parents are bad, but it does seem that their default starting point is "this is just a bit of a tiff..."

Whereas in fact, you had to have an abortion for the sake of your mental health (no-one outside of Nicaragua would even think twice if it had been your physical health at risk, interestingly). And now your husband, who should have been there to support you through that mental health crisis, is instead blaming you for it, and saying extremely horrible things to you.

That is not the action of a good man. In fact, IMO, it's a form of domestic abuse in and of itself.

Ignore your parents. You can't 'work it out' with someone who calls you a baby killer. You need to get out now for your own mental health.

@Crumpets4butter

Thank you everyone for your replies. Thank you to those of you who said I made the right decision regarding a termination. Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. Only me and him know about it and when someone calls you these names and that you've ruined their life you start to believe it.

He's gotten worse today, saying I've robbed him of his dreams and he wish he'd knew what I was like years ago as he would never have gotten with me.
I mentioned that he didn't step up when I had my daughter and he said he played his part by working all hours to provide for us...but that's not always enough is it?
He also said he's going to kill himself after the house is sold as I've ruined his life😞

I've spoken to my parents who want me to try and work it out. I really really don't see how. I want to put wheels in motion about selling but I don't really know the first steps to take.

Can anyone advise?

Ignore your parents, they don't have a clue.

Ignore his suicide threats, they are just threats to keep you in line. (Been there, will never let him manipulate me again, he's an ex.)

Ignore any attempts at pushing you into having a baby you don't want.

It's never recommended to have counselling with an abuser, they use it and twist it to put all the blame on you. And he does sound abusive.

Personally, if I were in your position, I'd end the relationship. And I think you'd be surprised how your mental health improves when he's not around calling you nasty names, etc.

[quote ivfdreaming]@pointythings

I don't fundamentally disagree with abortion.....I have also lived with a person with mental health issues. I see it from both sides. The problem is most of munsnet refuse to see anything from a mans point of view whatever the issue, whatever the situation. I'm trying to provide some perspective. [/quote]
A man's POV is irrelevant when it comes to abortion. They aren't the ones risking their physical and mental health.

He also said he's going to kill himself after the house is sold as I've ruined his life

Good grief, is he 13?

Ignore what he says (if, at any time, you do genuinely think he is making an attempt at self harm just do what you would do for a colleague or neighbour, i.e. call the emergency services) and go and see solicitors and estate agents.

Using threats of suicide to keep you in line is another abusive thing he does. He has no redeeming features at all any more. Accept that this is over and walk away - you will see a dramatic improvement in your mental health.

He is a disgusting pig.
Counselling can't change that.......and to be honest I reckon if you did get counselling with him and when you manage to heal yourself some more you will see just how disgusting and vile he is and you will resent him completely for the things he has said and won't get past them anyway.

Your parents probably want you to work it out because they probably think he helped with your mental health issues, supported you and that you might need him. If they knew the truth...that he throws them back in your face, said you were pathetic for being on anti-depressants, called you a baby killer, threatens suicide, says he wishes he'd known you were going to go nuts before he had a child with you and all of that horrible stuff then they would probably see things very differently.

If he actively threatens suicide then you can request the police do a welfare check. If he is serious about the threat, it's important it's handled by professionals who can help him. And if he isn't serious and it was a manipulation tactic, he's unlikely to do it again as he will be embarrassed to have wasted police time.

You need to get out of this situation, he is a toxic abusive bully and living with someone who is cruel to you will take more of a toll every day this continues.

I really hope you can get out of the relationship soon to start planning a happy, healthy future. As PP said, don't listen to your parents, listen to YOU.

The problem is most of munsnet refuse to see anything from a mans point of view

@ivfdreaming It's not 'a man's point of view' - he's an abuser. We're not seeing it from his point of view, because he's abusive.

And knowing what needs doing with a baby and helping out a severely ill partner, at least with practicalities, is fairly straightforward. He was neglectful.

@EKGEMS I dont agree! People have went to counselling and realised how they arent compatible and went their separate way. Others have learned how their abusive behaviour and the impact it has had on their partners. Others have just left and never returned.

If a couple chooses to go then they do. What evidence suggests otherwise? I would genuinely be interested in reading about this.
I did do training in abuse where domestic couples where counseled separately but in a group (so abusive men in a group and the women in a different group) this had to be shut down because the men were boosting. But when coupled the outcome was different, actually a mixed outcome. Some weren't aware and changed, then they had to deal with other issues from their realisation. Some were just narcissistic psychopaths.

He is disgusting. Baby Killer? Robbing him of a son? Vile.