Exhausted but getting no relief?

[OrangeLavenders]

DH has been working from home for the last 5 months. He rolls out of bed around 8.15am and gets showered to come downstairs for work.

DC is up around 6am but it's always always me up with him. Unless it's a Sunday, when it's my day to have a 'lay in'. Often this doesn't happen because (out of choice as DH reminds me), I'm visiting family 3 hours away.

He doesn't seem to get how bone tired I feel. DC has ASD and is very very challenging. It's like being in the baby stage of a very small toddler yet he's almost 3, with no understanding of basic sentences and non verbal. I love him beyond measure but I am very very tired.

H has a week off and insists it's his week off, so won't do any getting up beyond maybe the Sunday that he has to, if I'm here.

But if I utter a word of protest, he reminds me I'd have a week off too if I had a job Yet, I wouldn't. Because I work part time and my annual leave is usually spent doing nice things with DS etc. He says well that's my choice. I lost my job at the end of furlough though and I'm about to start a new one, again PT.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments and really he is right, but I just feel if I worked full time then maybe I'd be respected a bit more for the hard work I put in? I mean, how could he refuse to share lay ins if I literally worked the same hours?

If I mention that DS often isn't even here to bother him because I take him out for activities or to see friends and family, he reminds me 'that's my choice'. Without admitting he benefits from having so much time away and peace from DS.

I'm a very house proud woman and yesterday upstairs was spotless but I was due to leave to go out for the day and DC had messed up downstairs (with a few toys and some toast on the floor, with the pillows), whilst I was on the phone to car insurance etc. DH was at the gym and as it was a Sunday, had got up with DS and cleaned downstairs. When he came back upstairs was lovely but downstairs needed another clear up. But I was so busy just getting DC ready and myself, plus phone calls, that I simply couldn't tidy the mess within the 1.5 hours he was gone.

He came back and insisted I do it all again before I leave, because how could I leave him here to do it when he'd already done it? I reminded him of how house proud I usually am but going out for the day trumps that when DC is involved and it would take a very max of 20 mins to sort. He said well do it then. So then I said well he is here ALL DAY relaxing and doing nothing. Whilst I'm out with DC. And dealing with the DC. He said its my choice that I'm out and he didn't ask I go.

I'm so so tired of feeling like I'm breaking myself to do it all. Yet, I feel as if I'm being told very blatantly to my face that I do fuck all

Omg. He sounds as appealing as thrush. I think you will end up with a breakdown if you stay with him. What a complete arsehole.

My darling, you need a plan of escape. He is awful.

You don't have to stay local 🤷🏽‍♀️

Go be with your family, yes if you move away you will be expected to facilitate contact probably by doing most of the travelling or meeting at a train station.

He will not one to have DC often probably not even EOW meanwhile you need the day to day care and support your family would perhaps willingly provide?

Anything has to be better than staying with this utterly vile and selfish man. Please find a way to leave

Sometimes he looks at DS like he's the best thing since slice bread. Other times he's full of upset, resentment (that he hasn't really admitted), and annoyance. Constantly questioning me, his hair isn't short enough, he is so tiny you can see his rubs (you can but only when he breathes in a lot). He's petite but I think he's actually quite stocky. Just not tall like he wants. Our DS does not talk either and it's always brought up every day. Always sighed and moaned about

I know you've said that DS's understanding is limited so he may not understand exactly what is being said, but he will pick up on his dad's resentment and dislike of him. I think you should leave for your sake but if that seems too big a step, please do it for your DS.

And he certainly doesn't get to dictate where you live on th basis of him being too lazy to learn to drive!

I could have written your post OP. It sounds very similar to my marriage. Stop doubting yourself. You’re right and he’s wrong. The rare times he makes you laugh and shows some affection do not outweigh the emotional abuse, gas lighting and treating you like a servant. Speak to Women’s Aid and get their help in planning your separation. They were great with me and my children. They can give you lots of practical advice. Going through a separation with a narcissist whose family enable him is hell but it’s worth it. I’m two and a half years on and I’m so relieved I ended it and cannot believe how much shit I tolerated for so long. It’ll be tough but it’s the best thing for you and your son. X

Sit him down and talk to him about you going back to work full time and how would the work at home look in that situation.
I agree with PP, looking after a toddler is much harder than going to work.
He sounds like he wants everything his way. He sounds very selfish and I would be playing the long game, looking for a job, child care and a house away from him.
Would he be bothered if you left?

Do not make choices on what you think will appease him. I tried to be kind, rational and fair and it made absolutely no difference. I moved to the next town where my mum lives for support and my ex threw a shit fit. He’ll always be selfish and put his needs and wants before yours. X

I disagree with the people suggesting you talk to him about it. It’s a waste of time and effort. You’ve told him how you feel and what you want many, many times before. Narcissists don’t think you’ll ever actually leave and will not change to make you happier. Why should they? Everything is about them, they justify their behaviour to themselves and their families enable them. Why would they take more responsibility around the home and with childcare when they don’t want to? X

I don't think he's necessarily dictate where I live, in fact when we spoke about it a while ago (me leaving), he said well where would you go? Live in your Nan's house in London in that joke of an area in a bedroom?

So I suspect he thinks I'd go to family anyway. But that would also mean A LOT of travelling. And what about DS? He does swimming, a few different activities etc. They all bring out the best in him. What if he has to stop so he can travel to and from his dad's?

I'm going to be in poverty. My mum was in a hostel for 2 years, different ones, when I was 3 until age 5. I remember it all. How sad she was. How hard things were for her.

I can't afford to live. And even if I do somehow scrape by, I'll be in some sort of debt to afford even a deposit for a rental that can kick me out after paying through the nose every month. I know I'm waffling on but I'm just scared. Scared of what can of worms will open up if I do this.

Working full time is just not possible with DS. He doesn't just have autism, he often has a lot of appointments at local hospital, Great Ormond street. The pressure to then keep a FT job would be too much

I'm good friends, so I thought, with my SIL. But she has told me she will probably never want to talk to me again if I move out of the local area with DS.

She admits he's an arse but says being local is best. Because he has loads of cousins his age around him. My mum has young children too but the youngest is 6 now. Older ones starting senior school. Whereas family on H's side all have young kids that are DS's cousins

Your H is a lazy piece of shit. I'd let him have it if I were you, tell him exactly what you thing of him and that he is bloody useless.

Op, he is gaslighting you and he is abusive. You need to find a way to leave.

And i honestly don’t think he will want your dc on weekends either. He is a lazy, entitled, misogynistic asshat.

Well, let's see -

If you are married and have a house you own now, half the property is yours, whoever's name is on the mortgage. You may be able to get an occupation order for the house, you might be able to stay and him leave. Any savings or assets of the marriage, you also have a share of, whoever's name they are under.

As a single parent, you might be entitled to various benefits (and you might be eligible for council housing if you don't own your house). You'd get your wage topped up with universal credit and your ex would be expected to pay child support. Check out your situation with the entitled to website.

Also, could you be eligible for any sort of carer's allowance for your child?

(Landlords can't just kick you out either - there are varying lengths of tenancy agreements.)

You need to choose an area to live which suits YOU and YOUR CHILD. Because you are going to be doing everything.

Why would you have to stay local to this abusive piece of shit ? If he wants to go anywhere he can sort it himself.
He will go on to make your life andand your childs life utterly miserable.

your SIL isn't much of a friend if she'll assist with bullying you to stay in an abusive relationship. Having children around of a similar age doesn't make up for growing up in an abusive home and being denigrated for your height and disabilities by your own father.

You have two choices OP because the twat clearly isn't going to change to you either put up and shut up or start looking at ways to separate and be happier. Your child deserves a happy mother since it seems your the only one he has.

category She doesn't think I should stay in a relationship with him. She means I should stay locally whilst separated so he can have all of his cousins around him etc.

But that doesn't really make much sense to me because people have their own lives. Yes he should see them but can't he do that when he's with H on a weekend? We don't live inside each others pockets usually, although we have a lot recently for company etc

Also, could you be eligible for any sort of carer's allowance for your child?

No. Unfortunately, you have to earn roughly below £500 a month to be entitled to that. I'll be earning around £920 a month in my new role (18.5 hours a week)

There is swimming and activities for children everywhere. In fact, being in a calmer environment might be better for him in the long run. I know my son, who has ASD, was absolutely overwhelmed at any time we had to stay in London - he would revert to mutism and not be aware of anyone around him in the street, which meant it was really dangerous for him, whereas at home, in the countryside and a small local school he was just your normal HFA kid

and yes, it sounds as if your husband could have the combination of ASD PLUS abusive. with a big helping of the latter.

Go see a solicitor
See what you would get finsncially in divorce.
Speak to womens aid
Tell your gp get referred to local services and
counsellng
This is no way to live

Your sister in law wants what’s in her kids best interest, not what’s in your child’s best interest. His family will no longer be your family. They don’t want to have to take over your responsibilities of caring for a man child.

Its worth applying for the carers though, as it will cover you for other benefits, even if you dont actually receive it.

Does your son get DLA? You would be able to claim enhanced UC if he did, and, if you had to rent, it gives an extra allowance for that.

But as others say, you are entitled to your share of the equity in the home and given that your son needs so many appointments and this has an impact on the hours you can work, this share is very likely to be higher than 50%

In addition you are entitled to a share of any savings or pension, irrespective of who's name is on the accounts

Im doubting that your husband is even going to want your son overnight. depending upon if he does or not though, you will get maintanance. and this is exempt from any benefit payments and would be between 80-92 a week, if he is on 40K

I think if you work ft you will just have to squeeze in everything that you already do as well as work ft. I feel the same. Dh has days off and sits in sofa not seeing any of the mess around him and things needing doing. Then tells me that I’m being unreasonable for wanting to clean my house cos it doesn’t need it ( house of four, three pets). As for demanding that you tidied before you went out , there’s absolutely not a chance in hell that I would have done that. Just tell him, well, it was Your choice to have ds, so you need to deal with the familial consequences of having ds. He’s is being very unreasonable and dickheadish.