Exhausted but getting no relief?

[OrangeLavenders]

DH has been working from home for the last 5 months. He rolls out of bed around 8.15am and gets showered to come downstairs for work.

DC is up around 6am but it's always always me up with him. Unless it's a Sunday, when it's my day to have a 'lay in'. Often this doesn't happen because (out of choice as DH reminds me), I'm visiting family 3 hours away.

He doesn't seem to get how bone tired I feel. DC has ASD and is very very challenging. It's like being in the baby stage of a very small toddler yet he's almost 3, with no understanding of basic sentences and non verbal. I love him beyond measure but I am very very tired.

H has a week off and insists it's his week off, so won't do any getting up beyond maybe the Sunday that he has to, if I'm here.

But if I utter a word of protest, he reminds me I'd have a week off too if I had a job Yet, I wouldn't. Because I work part time and my annual leave is usually spent doing nice things with DS etc. He says well that's my choice. I lost my job at the end of furlough though and I'm about to start a new one, again PT.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments and really he is right, but I just feel if I worked full time then maybe I'd be respected a bit more for the hard work I put in? I mean, how could he refuse to share lay ins if I literally worked the same hours?

If I mention that DS often isn't even here to bother him because I take him out for activities or to see friends and family, he reminds me 'that's my choice'. Without admitting he benefits from having so much time away and peace from DS.

I'm a very house proud woman and yesterday upstairs was spotless but I was due to leave to go out for the day and DC had messed up downstairs (with a few toys and some toast on the floor, with the pillows), whilst I was on the phone to car insurance etc. DH was at the gym and as it was a Sunday, had got up with DS and cleaned downstairs. When he came back upstairs was lovely but downstairs needed another clear up. But I was so busy just getting DC ready and myself, plus phone calls, that I simply couldn't tidy the mess within the 1.5 hours he was gone.

He came back and insisted I do it all again before I leave, because how could I leave him here to do it when he'd already done it? I reminded him of how house proud I usually am but going out for the day trumps that when DC is involved and it would take a very max of 20 mins to sort. He said well do it then. So then I said well he is here ALL DAY relaxing and doing nothing. Whilst I'm out with DC. And dealing with the DC. He said its my choice that I'm out and he didn't ask I go.

I'm so so tired of feeling like I'm breaking myself to do it all. Yet, I feel as if I'm being told very blatantly to my face that I do fuck all

He's a dick head. When I'm reading threads like these I feel so annoyed. How unattractive you must find him with his shitty attitude. Does he ever actually want to do anything with his own child or is it all on you? The thing I love most about my dh is how much he does with our dc with me, and, on his own when I'm working.

OnlyFools You're bang on job wise
Sorry OP but it never fails to amuse me the guys that think they are amazing for working. If you and your son didn’t exist (ie he never got married etc), he’d still have to work.
Do you think he would always be this kind of father or do you think he’s reluctant to do engage in anything because of the ASD issues?

Your entire thread has given me the rage, to be honest. How do so many men (it seems, by the volume of threads on MN) get away with being so fucking useless?
But on a more practical note, if you know that you're going out with your son on a Sunday, get your lie in on a Saturday instead.

Callme He would refuse. He's declined Saturday's before because 'he deserves the rest after working all week non stop'.

I'm not working at the mo, but even when I do it isn't significant enough for him because it's just PT. It seems I don't realise how easy I've got it really

When he was single and when you were married but before DC, did he never go out at weekends because He Had To Work?

OP I had to go back full time after mat leave, my husband looked after our LO on some days she wasn’t at nursery as he’s self employed. But once home I took over- anyone with any experience of a pre schooler knows that an office job isn’t even comparable, they are exhausting and relentless. It’s a full time job- at least all the house stuff should be shared.
Also is blindingly obvious if it was such a breeze to do what you do, your husband would do it.

How can you want to live (and sleep with!!) such a bellend?

And what an unattractive feature to be such a weed that he can't manage such a mid-level job without being so exhausted.
He is taking you for a fool, that you will swallow such shite. Of course he's not "too tired." He's lying.
What are you going to do about it?

Ask yourself - how does this man improve your life? How long is the list of his positives (if there are any!) versus the list of shit behaviours and attitudes and actions that make you feel small?

He sounds awful, and unwilling to change. That's no way to live your life.

Before DC he never really liked going out much either. He wasn't as bad as he is now but very similar. For example likes football and my ex boss had his own box at his football club. DH went but quickly got fed up. Just prefers to watch from home, etc etc. Wasn't at all impressed with the free 5* food

I've said to him before I think having a full time job is less stressful. He said 'well if you can find yourself a 40k job, I'd happily stay at home with DC. It would be Bliss'

When questioned why then he can't help when he's here, he says that AND a full time job is too much. But the childcare on its own would be far easier as opposed to a FT job

I reminded him of how house proud I usually am but going out for the day trumps that when DC is involved and it would take a very max of 20 mins to sort. He said well do it then.

This is awful OP. Ordering you around as if you were a slave. He doesn't talk/act as if he has any respect or caring at all, you're just a skivvy to be told to do work and a useful robot vacuum cleaner.

For example ''I don't like how you clean this sofa. Can you stop leaving streaks please?''. Fine to say to me if I felt I was being appreciated

That's an annoying thing to say,and even if you were appreciated, I wouldn't say it's fine. He's acting as if cleaning etc were literally your job, and he's your boss.

But I could be wrong. Maybe he does compliment me? I don't think he has. Sometimes I feel like I'm going mad sad like it's hard to get all the facts together... It's so strange

Does he gaslight you, try to say he hasn't said things he's said, etc? What is the rest of his behaviour like?

I didn't do it. I quite literally laughed at how ridiculous that was given how much I bloody do, and walked out to the car with DC

Well done OP! Did he actually do it while you were out, though? Or was it all there waiting for you to get in?

Soul I'm not sure it he does gaslight me. He doesn't try to deny saying anything he's ever said.

When I came home it was done, yes. He asked me this morning did I realise

Your husband is abusive, @OrangeLavenders.

@OrangeLavenders is this real? For example ''I don't like how you clean this sofa. Can you stop leaving streaks please?''. What? Hope not.

You need a hard word with your DH. Either he pulls his weight at home, or he sees some consequences.

Please remind him, that childcare IS a FULL TIME job from which there is NO effing HOLIDAY so you are OFF for a spa weekend and he may as well not call you at all, bye.

I mean the amount of abuse women put up with, just really surprising. Think. What would HE do if you told him you don't like the way he did something and can he do it differently and ideally yesterday, chop chop. Geeez.

He sounds vile.

Your partner wants and expects you to do everything. Even if you got a full time job, I bet you he would find a way of excusing himself from chores and looking after the child.

He's horrible. Really really horrible. Sorry OP.

OP, I feel for you!! Why do men do this to women? Marriage, relationship and children are all teamwork. It shouldn't be one-sided. It should not even be 50/50, if he can do it, then she should and not wait for you to do it.

Most relationships are one-sided, one person ends up doing everything without the other person seeing how unfair, unreasonable and disproportionate the relationship is, you don't have a relationship with this man. You're the glue that is making the relationship moves forward. One day, I mean, one day you will get up and say, "This it is, I am done!" It does not mean that your relationship has ended that day - it's the day that you remove the glue and walk away.

An abuser always needs a willing participate - an abusee. What are you getting out of the relationship?

Has he actually done any childcare /parenting? As the ways he's talking about it being easier than a full time job (35 to 40 hrs a week) it really doesn't sound like he has.

I'm wondering if your H has an undiagnosed ASC. If he does, he may genuinely be exhausted from having to manage at work and it would also explain his dislike of being out of the house, wanting to do things outside of his comfort zone. And his intractable view that it's your choice to do things...

Nonetheless he needs to give you a break too, but you may need to really spell out what and when you need it.

You've married someone so lazy that he can't even be bothered to be a dad.

If you broke up, do you think there is any chance you could get him to have your son some of the time, or would he bow out altogether?
If he took them a couple of days a week, you would have more time off than you do now, and otherwise you would not have any more work than you currently do, as you are already a single parent.

Does your ds go to any kind of nursery, or does your PT job mean that you look after him FT then also do this job, i.e. working 150%?

Asking and hoping that your dh will do something is clearly just frustrating you. Sounds like you need to give up on that and arrange to get yourself time off in other ways. Divorce and childcare are two such other ways.

It's so hard to know online and I don't think arm chair diagnosis is good. But I wonder if @CountTessa has a point? If he doesn't have a massively stressful job then it's odd he has no energy or headspace for parenting. Or he could just be massively selfish!

He sounds absolutely awful, sorry OP.

I've said to him before I think having a full time job is less stressful. He said 'well if you can find yourself a 40k job, I'd happily stay at home with DC. It would be Bliss' envy

How far off £40k are you, if you were to go back FT?

And yes, FT jobs are less stressful than a difficult pre-schooler. My DH and I were both 4 days/wk when the kids were young - we both felt as if we went back to work for a rest.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments

So he tells you to get a FT job if you want to have any time off (and not be his skivvy anymore), but then tells you you can't get a FT job because of DC's appointments? Has he acknowledged the utter unfairness of that position?

Some suggestions:
I was going to suggest switching your Sunday lie-ins for Saturdays, but I can see he's vetoed that already. Can you go visit your family on Saturdays instead of Sundays?

He's obviously not seeing how your buckets of work all add up (PT work, childcare, housework). So how would he feel about you both having the same amount of 'down-time'? Is that something he would feel is fair?

If he fundamentally just thinks that housework/childcare is easier than work, and he shouldn't have to do any because he works FT, but you're not allowed to work FT too... I think you're at an impasse. You either accept this utterly unfair set-up (and be his skivvy for life), or you leave him.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments and really he is right

...what he really means is that he would have to start doing some of it. So he needs you to stay in your box.

I would chose to leave him. I'd rather not put up with an abusive person like this. He has no respect for you or your child.