Exhausted but getting no relief?

[OrangeLavenders]

DH has been working from home for the last 5 months. He rolls out of bed around 8.15am and gets showered to come downstairs for work.

DC is up around 6am but it's always always me up with him. Unless it's a Sunday, when it's my day to have a 'lay in'. Often this doesn't happen because (out of choice as DH reminds me), I'm visiting family 3 hours away.

He doesn't seem to get how bone tired I feel. DC has ASD and is very very challenging. It's like being in the baby stage of a very small toddler yet he's almost 3, with no understanding of basic sentences and non verbal. I love him beyond measure but I am very very tired.

H has a week off and insists it's his week off, so won't do any getting up beyond maybe the Sunday that he has to, if I'm here.

But if I utter a word of protest, he reminds me I'd have a week off too if I had a job Yet, I wouldn't. Because I work part time and my annual leave is usually spent doing nice things with DS etc. He says well that's my choice. I lost my job at the end of furlough though and I'm about to start a new one, again PT.

DH insists full time wouldn't work because of all DC's appointments and really he is right, but I just feel if I worked full time then maybe I'd be respected a bit more for the hard work I put in? I mean, how could he refuse to share lay ins if I literally worked the same hours?

If I mention that DS often isn't even here to bother him because I take him out for activities or to see friends and family, he reminds me 'that's my choice'. Without admitting he benefits from having so much time away and peace from DS.

I'm a very house proud woman and yesterday upstairs was spotless but I was due to leave to go out for the day and DC had messed up downstairs (with a few toys and some toast on the floor, with the pillows), whilst I was on the phone to car insurance etc. DH was at the gym and as it was a Sunday, had got up with DS and cleaned downstairs. When he came back upstairs was lovely but downstairs needed another clear up. But I was so busy just getting DC ready and myself, plus phone calls, that I simply couldn't tidy the mess within the 1.5 hours he was gone.

He came back and insisted I do it all again before I leave, because how could I leave him here to do it when he'd already done it? I reminded him of how house proud I usually am but going out for the day trumps that when DC is involved and it would take a very max of 20 mins to sort. He said well do it then. So then I said well he is here ALL DAY relaxing and doing nothing. Whilst I'm out with DC. And dealing with the DC. He said its my choice that I'm out and he didn't ask I go.

I'm so so tired of feeling like I'm breaking myself to do it all. Yet, I feel as if I'm being told very blatantly to my face that I do fuck all

So why are you putting up with this?

"When questioned why then he can't help when he's here, he says that AND a full time job is too much. But the childcare on its own would be far easier as opposed to a FT job"

That's utter bullshit! Most decent parents perform their full time job and then parent when they're not actually doing that job. And he knows that the childcare would not be far easier than his job. Decent parents also join their family on daytrips out. They don't stay at home.

But OP - you keep quoting him and his outrageous remarks and we're all getting very angry on your behalf. But what are you planning to do about the situation? At the moment, he's getting away with this bullshit and refusing to be persuaded to pull his weight. Do you want to continue to share your life with this man? Do you think couples counselling might help? As things stand, it's hard to see how things will change and the situation sounds intolerable.

You'd get more rest if he had EOW and one overnight in the week. And less housework, less stress. More opportunity to see friends, do stuff and possibly meet someone who wasn't a selfish wanker.

At the moment you seem little more than a malfunctioning household appliance to him.

The thing is that you have a more than full time job. You work part time in paid employment and then all the rest of the time, you are on.

Currently, our kids are in a different time zone - going to bed later, and waking up later! :) DH is looking after them and I work. So I get up first every day, with the rest of them still sleeping. However, on the days when we have to get up earlier - eg for a sports club, or because one of the kids has woken up unusually early - we split this. Because looking after the kids in the mornings before paid work starts (or commuting, back in the day) is a 50/50 shared activity..... This has always been how it works for us. When I was on ML and DH was working, when I was working and he was SAHD, when I was working full time and he was working part time, and now, during the pandemic.

Did you post about him a few years ago not wanting you to go visit your family while you were on ML? Or stay with your mum or something? It sounds familiar somehow. If so, he was clearly a total dickwad then and nothing has changed.

Bling Yes that was me. Amazed you remembered! I had DC in 2017

I just feel as if what's bothering me than anything is the total disregard for how bloody hard I work, in life full stop. My home, my parenting, employment. I would happily carry on with this set up, ironically, if I got some appreciation and approval for what I do by him

But whatever I do, it never seems to be right. And I thought I was doing a great job

He also does this thing where he will say something that very clear suggests something outright. I then say to him 'so you think xyz?' and he swears he never said that. It's confusing because he didn't say that, but that's what he meant. But because it was just suggested through another sentence, I am made to feel mad for saying it. It's confusing and sometimes I want to cry with frustration.

Money is a huge factor in separation here

Hi Op, I'm a bloke with two grown-up daughters and three grandsons.

Even after a horrendous week at work I loved spending time with my girls when they were small whether be bedtime, toilet training, etc. All the normal things involved with giving your children a good life. It enabled me to shift out of workload. being there whilst they grew up. Then with my grandsons it's the same. I work full time but always manage to help out, play with the boys when they visit. I'll happily work a long day then go and babysit.

Your husband is a selfish bastard. You apparently have two children except it's the bigger one throwing the tantrums.

Seriously, I reckon you'd be a whole lot better off mentally if you got rid of your husband.

I cannot understand men who assume that their part of the deal is finished with the impregnation.

It sounds as though your husband is punishing you, for something, with all the "it's your choice" comments.

And others are right: you're already a single parent. Life would be a lot easier and probably run a lot smoother if you simply separated from him - let him live his introverted life, which is fine (I'm one, myself), and run a home as well as work his precious full-time job, with child access (if appropriate) on top of that... and maybe then, he'll understand precisely how much you do, and why he's a dick for suggetsing that out of the two of you, it's you who has it "easy".

Life with small children is, as another poster has already said, a full-time job, with no annual leave, no time off, relentless, hard slog. But they do tend to grow up. Your husband? I don't think ever will.

Does he ever see his family?

OP - not sure what triggered the memory, and I don't remember the details of that thread, but I do remember that he was being a controlling dick then and it sounds like nothing has changed. Has he managed to separate you from your family and friends? Do you find it difficult to see them and spend time with them?

I think it's time to seriously give real thought about what you actually get out of this relationship because it seems to me it's all about him and his wants and he has very little respect for you.

I would add up exactly how much you would get in CM, 50% of the matrimonial home, furniture, share of his pension and benefits for a single parent with a disabled child and could you find a job with more
hours or a f/t job or agency work that can be worked around ds’s appointments

Think about how your life would change if it was just you and your Ds.

If you are doing everything now what difference would it make between your dh being with you or not being there.

As far as I can see you wouldn’t have to put up with any one ordering you around and you would be free to go to the zoo or days out when you want to go and not have the mental load of begging him to come with you

I have friends who are single parents and whilst it is hard work and scary at times they all say the freedom to choose what they do and when they go it is so worth it

OP I have a DH who has always thought like @billyt above. And - I truly believe - that's how all good dads feel and act.

Your 'D'H is a selfish, lazy bastard - no other nice way to say it. I've often said I've worked 'two jobs' most of my adult life - one as a teacher (albeit sometimes P/T) and one as a mum. And my DH has never disputed it. He freely admits he'd have struggled to juggle what I did - but (and it's a bit 'but') he never, ever, left me to do it all when he was at home. He would take DC when they were young and leave me in bed. He would do his best to give me a break at weekends. That's what good dads do, as billyt says.

You need higher standards, OP. Honestly, right now, what benefit do you have of staying as you are? Not much, from what you've said. There's a man out there who will treat you, and your DC, as you both deserve, but sorry, your DH isn't it.

Maybe he'll appreciate how much you do once he's a single dad EOW and one night a week.... and maybe he won't. But at least you'll have your freedom, and your pride back. And you deserve that more than he deserves you being a slave at home now.

I've never typed 'LTB' before, but right now I can't think of any other thing that makes sense to say, sadly. You deserve better.

@OrangeLavenders

Bling Yes that was me. Amazed you remembered! I had DC in 2017

I just feel as if what's bothering me than anything is the total disregard for how bloody hard I work, in life full stop. My home, my parenting, employment. I would happily carry on with this set up, ironically, if I got some appreciation and approval for what I do by him

But whatever I do, it never seems to be right. And I thought I was doing a great job

He also does this thing where he will say something that very clear suggests something outright. I then say to him 'so you think xyz?' and he swears he never said that. It's confusing because he didn't say that, but that's what he meant. But because it was just suggested through another sentence, I am made to feel mad for saying it. It's confusing and sometimes I want to cry with frustration.

Money is a huge factor in separation here

OP, I have to second or third pps who are suggesting that your partner may also be ASD. I have a LOT of experience of exactly these sorts of scenarios.

However, whether he is or whether he isn't makes no difference to the effect that this is having on you. The overwhelming sense I get from all your posts is that nothing you say, no discussion and no argument will ever change your DH's world view. Tomorrow will be the same as today and one day you will be old and will have lived your life tired, unhappy and unappreciated. You are with someone who will never (and possibly will never be able to) see things from your point of view.

Therefore logically, you need to address your own needs on your own, without either his support or understanding. You need to start really investigating what help, what financial support and what benefits etc etc you can receive should you split up. You do not have to hate someone to be unable to live with them. Sometimes you can love someone and be unable to live with them.

And yet again we have someone happily explaining away abusive behaviour as autism.

And @Haffiana you cannot “be ASD”. You can be autistic, you can have an autistic spectrum disorder, you can be on the autistic spectrum. But your insulting terminology is perhaps consistent with your pejorative attitude to autistic people?

OP - your partner is a total arse.

And yet again we have someone who cannot get their head around the fact that you can be abusive AND have ASD. And that those two things can make a pattern that those of us who have ACTUALLY experienced this can recognise?

Or are you going to dismiss the experience of another in exactly the same way that OP's partner dismisses her experience because fucking knee jerk at key words???

Don’t gaslight me Haffiana. At no point in my post do I suggest an autistic person cannot be abusive. Any human, neurotypical or neurodiverse, male or female, can be abusive.

You are also being extremely manipulative by saying I’m dismissing the OPs experience - you will note I have described him as an arse - his behaviour is absolutely indefensible.

Your stereotyping and generalising views on autistic people are abhorrent.

Thank you to everyone offering their words of wisdom

I'm struggling so much to see a way through. I feel as if it's all up in the air. We had a big argument yesterday because he wanted me up at 6.30 with DC, but was all cocooned in bed and refusing to get up (he had a week off). Didn't speak all day really. DC is a great sleeper BUT if he closes his eyes for 5 mins during the day, that's it. Instead of a 6pm bedtime he's not down until 9.30pm, which is hard but made even worse because H hates it.

Anyway, H insisted I go out for him for something for his dinner (I drive). So I said fine, was about to go for him. Would've been a 15/20 min trip to get there and back again. Was leaving DC with him.

He was having none of it and said 'I'm not having him, no way'. So I said about only being quick etc, it's almost bedtime for DC, he was having none of it so I took DC. DC fell asleep in the car didn't go to sleep until 9.30pm that evening. But he didn't care because I was round a friend's that evening.

Anyway this morning I insisted he got up with DS or at least got up with me. He said no way, that's not how it is. I said things need to change, I cant do this anymore. He said well that's just the way things are (in to response of why does he get lay ins all the time), and that I agreed to a Sunday lay in so why go back on what I said?

I said it wasn't good enough. He said I need to shut up about it because he's back at work in the office next week anyway, so things will be all rush around anyway. I said he needs to start getting up with us at least and he said we need to rethink our future if I'm going to be the nasty cunt that I am

Your dh is a nasty piece of work and a lazy, entitled, bullying fuckwit.

You would be better off alone.

Your H is awful

He is controlling and abusive towards you.

I honestly think you would be happier on your own and relying on extended family for help.

OP you should be rethinking your future with this man.

Reread your last post - all the he wanted/insisted/refused

Why do you stay?

Plus he treats your son like a nuisance and imposition. What sort of father does that make him?

Listen, you're being emotionally abused and exploited, you're being bullied and denigrated. In a good relationship, your partner wouldn't want to see you exhausted and would treat you kindly and lovingly. Would look after their own child willingly.

I think if you were a sole parent, you'd manage just fine, have less housework and you'd be free of his awful bullying crushing presence.

It's just so hard. Sometimes he's completely lovely and I know it's not acceptable but it makes you forget just how unfair he can be.

Sometimes he looks at DS like he's the best thing since slice bread. Other times he's full of upset, resentment (that he hasn't really admitted), and annoyance. Constantly questioning me, his hair isn't short enough, he is so tiny you can see his rubs (you can but only when he breathes in a lot). He's petite but I think he's actually quite stocky. Just not tall like he wants. Our DS does not talk either and it's always brought up every day. Always sighed and moaned about

I know it's so so hard but I just can't remain miserable. I have to look forward but he doesn't seem to want to

He will not change because you stay and tolerate it.

Do you want a lifetime of them same on rinse and repeat?

I can't believe you took your DS out to the shops when going to get your H something to eat. I would have refused tbf. Either I go without DS or I don't go at all. Clearly you didn't feel you could do that which is worrying.

Please leave him. He's got no intention of changing and actually doesn't care if you work hard, it's all about him and his wants.

Oh OP that made for hard reading. He sounds absolutely vile. Does he ever do anything nice or say anything nice? Is he ever fun? Do you laugh?
I don't normally say this on here but I really think you need to LTB. See how easy he finds everything then.
I don't suppose he ever buys you flowers so have some virtual ones from me

rainbows He does make me laugh. He has a very dry sense of humour it seems

My own family live about 2 hours away. So if I left, I would have to stay local to him because I'm the driver. Meaning his family would abandon me, I know they'd support him for sure, and I'll be left with nobody close by. On my own. Having to stay somewhere I don't even know locally for the sake of easy access to DC. I'm frightened.

My mortgage prospects don't exist now. I like my job type but I'll never earn more than 30k. So no mortgage for me then. Its all just rubbish.

This place is rented in his name