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Original poster

Was i unreasonable?

42 replies

Flower8 · 10/08/2020 09:56

Hi all first time righting my own post.
So me and my partner have been together for over a year, both have two children of our own.

We have a very close and i would say good relationship (we do argue now and then) we've been discussing living together next year.

A conversation came up where we were talking about money ect so i questioned how it would be when we lived together and spending on the kid's ( he likes to splash out on his) so i raised the dynamic lf how would we do Christmas ect as we may not have the funds to spend a lot on all of them.

He got shitty about this and turned around and said I'll spend what i want on MY kid's. Now i feel a bit taken aback by this response as i guess i would see it as if we're all living together all the kid's would be treated equally and our security would be taken into account too.

This is my first merged family relationship so am i being unreasonable and expecting too much? I just saw it more as we would be a blended family rather than us and them 🙁

OP posts:
Lookatthat · 10/08/2020 10:00

Are you suggesting he spends less on his DC in order to pay more equally to yours? If so YABU.

TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 10:04

Don't saddle your children with this man OP. He doesn't want to 'blend' families and his DC will be treated better than yours, and this will damage your children.

NailsNeedDoing · 10/08/2020 10:05

How old are all the children involved?

I agree that you can’t expect him to spend less on his children so that more can be spent on yours, it’s understandable that he’d be unhappy at that suggestion.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 10:14

It wasn't about spending less, basically the conversation came up about his spending ocer £1000 on games consoles to send to their mum's with them, so i questioned why he wouldn't buy them to have at his or ours when it came to it. It wasn't about spending less on his for mine. If that makes sense was more trying to gauge for the future. It's more I've been in a relationship where the person was quite selfish with spending and it impacted us massively, so was trying to just have a rounded conversation

OP posts:
RainbowFlowers · 10/08/2020 10:17

It seems like he felt you were critising his parenting. I wonder if his attitude to it will change ge once his initial reaction has calmed down.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 10:18

Maybe it really wasn't that at all. Was more i guess i see them all as equal i treat his the same as mine, and wouldn't put our family unit in a position to struggle to over indulge my children if that makes sense?

OP posts:
gutentag1 · 10/08/2020 10:22

Even when you move in together I wouldn't expect to be sharing finances right away.

You'd both be contributing to household expenses but not answerable to each other on what you're doing with the rest, that's way down the line.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 10:24

@TwentyViginti this is honestly what worries me that he'll push me and my kid's aside and basically won't care about the impact it may have on us as a whole family. He made a remark about the fact he loves my kid's but never the same as his. They are 11,9,9,7 ( they all adore each other)

OP posts:
Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 10:26

@gutentag1 thank you, maybe i just over worry about it due to past experiences. Thank you all. It was more the worry about the big over the top spending, not interested in the day to day he can do as he pleases

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 10:28

Of couse he won't love your kids the same way as he loves his, that's natural. It sounds like he's over-compensating his kids for being the absent parent.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 10:30

@TwentyViginti absolutely and i said i wouldn't his, but I'll always treat them the same and i do. I think so, as i said was more the attitude of it that worried me, the sod everyone else I'll do what i want. But I'm maybe being sensitive as i said. Thank you

OP posts:
MostlyHappyMummy · 10/08/2020 10:35

Are you concerned that if you merge any of your money together, he’ll be spending joint money on his kids so there’s left for your children and the home?
Because that is a definite worry
Any reason you can’t be together but not live together?

MostlyHappyMummy · 10/08/2020 10:36

Less left that should say

HollowTalk · 10/08/2020 10:49

Do you earn equal amounts? Personally I'd stay with two separate households and just get together when you can.

Will you/he lose any kind of benefits if you live together?

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 11:04

I would be worse off as he earns more than i do, and get support financially by benefits ect. That's my worry he's going to be making our home life tight by over spending with them, but then in his defense he said we'd pay our bill's and he would expect us to then both have our own money too. So maybe I'm over worrying

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 10/08/2020 11:10

Oh OP it doesn't sound good. Please don't rush into moving in together. Maintain separate homes, and keep your financial independence and your kid's security.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 11:40

This was my gut feeling that it just didn't sit comfortably with me, I'll take his kid's out for the day and never ask for anything as i see them as mine in the sense of they are kid's I'd never make them feel unwanted or unequal.

This isn't until next year we would be able to anyway, as we are both saving ect just took me so long and i worked so hard to get to the point we are at now where we are comfortable. Thank you all for your replies 😊

OP posts:
Beachlovingirl · 10/08/2020 11:50

Op when you move in together you may not get the benefits any more, so therefore he’d have plenty of money and you’d be worse off. If he’s not willing to acknowledge that you’ll be worse off then that’s a bit worrying. Doesn’t sound like a partnership.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 10/08/2020 11:53

I would think that if you move in with eachother as long as he is paying his fair share towards the household Bill's then what he does with his left over money is his business. If he wants to spend it on his kids then he can,In this situation i would probably get a bit shitty about you suggesting i spend less. Your kids,i assume would be getting additional presents from their dad and his family so it's no different.
Also I'm not sure how often his kids would be at yours but I'm assuming it's a weekend set up in which case it's no really fair for them not to be able to take their presents home to use if that's where they mostly are. Most kids would get arsey about leaving their favourite games or toys at somewhere they could only use it a couple of days a week,also I'm assuming your kids who are there more would then be using it when his kids arent, therefore probably getting more access to their presents than them.
I think if it's just basic toys and games it's easier to have one at their mums and one at yours but in all honesty with something expensive like consoles I would expect them to be left where they reside.

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 11:56

Thank you think i just feel a bit gutted about it, as i thought we were on the same page and would be a partnership/ family unit. I think more so i could possibly move with my kid's to a bigger place in the next 6 months to a year and had kind of put it on the back burner. I guess I'll go back to just focusing on myself and my two

OP posts:
RandomMess · 10/08/2020 12:07

My friend has this situation, he earns more and really indulges his youngest in particular. They are all teens now his DC can do no wrong and have all the latest stuff etc and her DC have noticed and commented on it and has always been an issue and driven a wedge between them.

Please don't move in together he will always treat his DC both financially and other ways "better" than yours. Don't be surprised if you get denials at his DC bad behaviour meanwhile yours can do no right.

Meanwhile my DH treats my eldest as his in every way and always has and discussions are always fair etc.

Chocolate4me · 10/08/2020 12:14

Hmm, personally I'd be saying that it will only happen if we had a joint account and you put in whatever you could afford too, which meant you had the same leftover amount of spending money you currently have now. He would then have to put in whatever else is needed to pay the remaining of the bills from the joint account. Then he uses whatever money is left... You could both maybe open a separate account for use towards all joint days out, Christmas, holiday and put in whatever you can afford too each month. Just tell him you're really worried about suddenly not having enough money to pay for what your children have already been having because you will loose benefits and don't earn as much as him.
It would be unfair to expect for you both to pay 50/50 of the bills and for you to then struggle to provide a similar lifestyle for your kids

Original poster
Flower8 · 10/08/2020 12:15

@RandomMess thank you, it's difficult as he has offered to buy them a t.v and stuff for their room ect, but i worry in the sense of i said if it was between family holiday's or my kid's having the latest game's stuff i would chose a holiday for us all. His response was on the line's of you're trying to be controlling I'll spend my money on MY kids ect. Just don't think we're on the same page.

OP posts:
Arrivederla · 10/08/2020 12:30

I think you are completely right to look into this now op. It could be very tricky if he is spending huge amounts on his kids and you are only able to spend a much lower amount on yours, if you are living as a blended family.

RandomMess · 10/08/2020 12:34

It sounds like you have different values/enjoy different things which again can be a huge issue.

You like holidays/family time/experiences he wants his to have all the latest gadgets?

It may be that you are just better off have a long term relationship without fully blending families. I would certainly think it's hard to meet someone with the same values etc so why have conflict when living apart it works as there is less to compromise on?

As you get to know each other it may be that the values meld better or it becomes a deal breaker anyway.