Was i unreasonable?

[Flower8]

Hi all first time righting my own post.
So me and my partner have been together for over a year, both have two children of our own.

We have a very close and i would say good relationship (we do argue now and then) we've been discussing living together next year.

A conversation came up where we were talking about money ect so i questioned how it would be when we lived together and spending on the kid's ( he likes to splash out on his) so i raised the dynamic lf how would we do Christmas ect as we may not have the funds to spend a lot on all of them.

He got shitty about this and turned around and said I'll spend what i want on MY kid's. Now i feel a bit taken aback by this response as i guess i would see it as if we're all living together all the kid's would be treated equally and our security would be taken into account too.

This is my first merged family relationship so am i being unreasonable and expecting too much? I just saw it more as we would be a blended family rather than us and them 🙁

Thank you, he made me feel like i was being really unreasonable when i asked about it all. I would just rather know now before jumping into a large financial commitment with someone

If he didn't offer you any spending money when you took HIS kids out, this is another indication you should stay as you are. Trust your gut ALWAYS.

It's not the issue itself (although it could get really awkward if you have very different parenting styles in any area) but the fact that he got shitty about you raising an issue instead of just discussing it that would put me off moving in with him.

Is there any reason that you can't live separately as you are now until the DC are all grown? Living together isn't an inevitable consequence of being in a relationship. As you say, it's a large financial commitment and can be difficult and expensive to untangle if you want to move apart again.

When you move in together two things will happen. You will lose benefits and his ex will lose entitlement to CMS.

Your desire to live together Is always going to be to the detriment of the children. Both of you should put your children first. If you can do that and live together then you should. But it involves complicated financial commitments. If you aren’t ready for those discussions after year you never will be.

Absolutely his shitty attitude to you asking is completely unnecessary. If he is decent he will apologise and agree it is indeed something to be discussed and thought about before moving in together.

I hope you don't end up subbing him and his DC inadvertently by having them stay over at yours more, you paying out for them like you already have done?

It’s not that it’s totally unfair for him to buy his kids what he wants to for Christmas, but I wouldn’t move my children in with others if they were going to watch the other kids get amazing generous presents at Christmas and they didn’t. It’s all able to be compartmentalised when it’s separate houses but once the children are in the same house as the others and with their dad the man in their home and life too... it’s not ok anymore. I would continue with a life separately.

Trust your instincts because they sound about right. Blended families I think take a lot of work, communication and compromise on all parts. His attitude doesn’t sound like he is willing to do any of that. You don’t have to like and put up with what other people say and do. If it doesn’t work for you then it’s ok to say I don’t agree with this. You and him might understand why his children are getting more but the children don’t have a mind developed enough to understand. It will cause resentment and all sorts that will probably undermine the relationship eventually.

It sounds as if you're ok as you are. Seperate houses are underated imo.

I completely agree with timeisnotaline.
What he spends on his DC day to day is his choice, but I couldn't share a Christmas day with someone else's kids opening £1000s of presents while mine sat by.
I really wouldn't move in with him, his company is not worth the financial loss or stress.

Blended families didnt work for me op.
We had his ds and my children at Christmas and gave out the pressies.only for him 20minutes later to go under the sofa where he had extra for his.
He resented me living with mine and sadly it didnt work out,even though I decorated his sons room ,he came on every family holiday ( and away with just his dad)and he was part of the family when he was over.

You've gone about it the very wrong way. As you are discussing moving in together, you should be discussing your financial situation and how you will join or not your finances.

In most instances, the alternative to moving to joint finances/account is to work out what each incomings and outgoungs are (as your incoming will be less but his outgoings will likely be more with maintenance) and decide who pays what so you are left with similar disposable income. You are then free to spend your disposable income how you wish without being accountable to the other and that includes what you buy for your respective children.

The only other issue is of for instance you work PT and he works ft. It would be reasonable for him to expect you to get a ft job but childcare cost would be counted in your outgoings, so still left with sane disposable income at the end of the month.

Do NOT move in with him until you've had that discussion and agreement. Do NOT use discussions about Xmas present to elicit wider discussions about finances. Just go straight to saying you need to gave that discussion.

Thank you all, i think maybe we need to discuss it at a later date properly. I just get the vibe we're on different page's in what we want, he'd never stop paying CMS and i would never expect him to, he's very involved with them. I work full time but term time. Having full time atm wouldn't be do able as my son needs me around

This is a very confused thread as you keep moving the goal posts on your actual issue, you start off talking about the inequality of spend at Xmas and him saying he’d spend what he wishes and then you saying it was not about that, it was about him keeping the games consoles at home, the spend is fine, then moved again to say it was about Xmas and not the day to day before moving again to say it was about the day to day and how much money you’d have v what he has and you loosing benefits,

I think you need to make up your mind here, on what your issue is. I suspect you want finances shared equally but you just don’t feel comfortable saying it,

You're right to raise these things now. You need to keep communicating, and you're obviously not quite on the same page so it's even more important to have these discussions in advance of making a big decision.

@Bluntness100

This is a very confused thread as you keep moving the goal posts on your actual issue, you start off talking about the inequality of spend at Xmas and him saying he’d spend what he wishes and then you saying it was not about that, it was about him keeping the games consoles at home, the spend is fine, then moved again to say it was about Xmas and not the day to day before moving again to say it was about the day to day and how much money you’d have v what he has and you loosing benefits,

I think you need to make up your mind here, on what your issue is. I suspect you want finances shared equally but you just don’t feel comfortable saying it,

Its perfectly clear what the op is worried about! She is concerned that they are not on the same page as regards finances in general and spending on the dc in particular, and is very sensibly trying to sort it out before they move in together.

Sometimes I think people are deliberately obtuse on these threads.

It does sound like you will all be happiest living separately but seeing a lot of each other.

How is he with the dc at other times? If you all go out for a day trip will he buy your kids the same things he buys his or does he treat his kids and not yours? Does he buy them all comparable gifts for birthdays?