Give me strength to leave her next week

[Jack1964]

Ok I have posted on here before under finally leaving my wife.
The short of my story is as follows.
Married 30 yrs, 2 children all grown up one in last year of college .
Relatively well off 2 homes and extra savings.
My wife is the controlling type always gets her way , looks after all savings and always makes the decisions .
We have a very successful business together of which I’m the main breadwinner.
Wife had a emotional affair last year and was ready to meet up with the man when I was outa town, well he broke it off last minute , the texts and photos sent to each other were rather graphic.
I have rented a place for a year starting Aug 1st 2020
I am planning on moving out on Aug 16 once my son goes back to college (I will be flying over there on the 28th Aug and I will take him out and explain our separation)
We did do some counseling after her affair but if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years.
Anyway I just would like to keep my resolve on the 16th and finally leave her but I’m afraid it’s going to be to difficult as her behavior has become very nice and calm of late.
What can I do to give myself that final push out the door.

Thanks for reading

If you have a separate work premises, could you speak with her there, when you’re alone obviously? It would be a less emotive setting than at home and then you could leave and go to your apartment. It’s going to be very difficult regardless, but you have to say it and get it over with.

As PP’s have suggested, she may already suspect that you’re thinking of leaving, hence the niceness.

Please keep comment helpful or else pls don’t post

Unless you fear for your safety, you really need to tell her face to face. I agree that it is spineless and disrespectful to walk out on a 30-year marriage with just a note.
Yes, she may try to change your mind-only you can prevent her from doing so.

Good luck with your discussion, OP. It’s going to be extraordinarily difficult and painful for you and her but you know it’s the right decision for you.

Life is not a dress rehearsal – you get only one shot at it. Sounds from your posts like you’re clear that you no longer want to be in this marriage and therefore it’s incumbent upon you to cut yourself and your wife free.

Good luck. When you're wavering about it think how you will feel afterwards, like anything that is tough to go through you will be out the other side before you know it and feeling so much better.

I remember well the fear of saying "I am leaving you, our marriage is over".

In the end I had a large drink and just blurted it out.

He was angry, sad, crying shouting etc but once the words where out it was such a relief that I could deal with it all. In my experience the fear of it is worse than the reality, just grasp the nettle mate, the worst will be over in a few seconds and then you can deal with the fall out in a controlled way as you wont be panicking.

Great advice.

Thanks

@Jack1964 I think people are trying to be helpful, but it's telling that you only want comments that are 100% in agreement with you. I've asked for you to consider how your wife may feel about you and what shortcomings there may be for her.

Nothing is one sided. If she has controlled the finances, some people might say that's a huge weight off your shoulders. If by 'control' you mean she doesn't allow you any choices, or she bullies you, that is different.

The question is why you have allowed this to go on for many years.

Even if you do walk away now , maybe some counselling for yourself would be helpful because you appear to find it hard to show your feelings and say what you are thinking in your marriage, to get what you want.

Doesn't your wife deserve a chance to try to make it work?

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Jack1964 I think people are trying to be helpful, but it's telling that you only want comments that are 100% in agreement with you. I've asked for you to consider how your wife may feel about you and what shortcomings there may be for her.

Nothing is one sided. If she has controlled the finances, some people might say that's a huge weight off your shoulders. If by 'control' you mean she doesn't allow you any choices, or she bullies you, that is different.

The question is why you have allowed this to go on for many years.

Even if you do walk away now , maybe some counselling for yourself would be helpful because you appear to find it hard to show your feelings and say what you are thinking in your marriage, to get what you want.

Doesn't your wife deserve a chance to try to make it work?[/quote]
Would the op have mentioned the finances thing if it was a "huge weight off" his shoulders?

No. He mentioned it because it doesn't sit well for him, he doesn't like it, and feels it's wrong.

I am in a very similar position to op, and am leaving as soon as I secure a place for me to go to. Similar length relationship, different levels of abusive behaviours.

The reason it has been so long leaving is because I came from an abusive childhood, so I normalised the behaviours. I was quite young when we met, he is older, I thought it was all my fault (after all, why did it happen with my parent and my spouse?) Etc etc.

There is NO answer to "why did it take so long to leave" because it shouldn't be a question!!

Doesn't your wife deserve a chance to try to make it work? What the hell do you think he has been doing for the last 30 years? If he left after 5yrs, it' clear from this thread that people would be like "but you haven't been married long, doesn't she deserve longer to make it work" "try harder" "do better" "marriage is stressful" yet leaving it seemingly "too long" still draws criticism.

Tell me, when is the "perfect" time to leave an abusive relationship...

It goes to show that men in abusive situations do not get believed. Which is why it is hard for them to leave, because faced with some of the opinions on here, people really do seem to believe that men cannot be on the receiving end of abuse, or that women cannot be abusive.

There are clear double standards at play on MN, regardless of those here saying there isn't.

Thought this rubbish would have been pulled by now, I don’t think it’s genuine at all.

Perhaps an author trying out a male character, even looking at their other posts.

I read a Scottish Male authors books, detective crime stuff and they were enjoyable. Then he decided to have a series with a female lead, Police sergeant/ detective and they just weren’t as good, lots of stupid mentions of her hair all of the time.. ugh

I’m sure they sell, but their original male character was better, even if he bleated on about football a bit.

@differentnameforthis I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation. But this thread is about Jack, not you, and you can't draw parallels as simply as you have.

However, my perspective on 'Jack' is different to yours and I am allowed to have it. I asked him to consider if what I said was what his wife might think. I said I was playing devil's advocate because there are always two sides to a relationship. I suggested he went for counselling (again- he gave it up after a few sessions.)

As for giving his wife another chance: in all of this posts (going back a year when he said he wanted to leave then) he's never really said what his wife does that is controlling, only alluded to it in the broadest terms. So that doesn't give us a lot to go on.

He has admitted that he checked out of his marriage 10 years ago. Now, might that just be one reason why his wife has had an emotional affair?

Hasn't he done her a disservice by knowing he wants to leave but not getting on with it?

She's not being violent, he's not living in fear of what she may do, she's described as someone who takes control and makes decisions.

What strikes me is that Jack is not being realistic. He's dreaming of leaving but for whatever reason, he can't. He's not being honest with himself about the future. The divorce will not be as simple as him deciding to give her half of everything. As they own a business, what she gets will be a legal decision and she may get more.

Jack can't just walk out and away and expect no further contact because at the very least there will be legalities to sort out.

I don't think he will ever leave but I feel very sorry for two people trapped in a marriage which isn't working for either of them.

I do hope @differentnameforthis that you manage to sort out your own marriage and divorce and you are happy in the long run

@FenellaVelour

Who the hell says she’s emotionally Abusive? EA is a very serious allegation and seems to get bandied around on MN for anyone who doesn’t behave perfectly. We know she ‘controls‘ the savings & we know he’s tHe main breadwinner. We know she had an emotional affair and we know he has told her nothing of his wishes to end their 30 year marriage. Where on earth is emotional abuse in that? Honestly terms like EA should carry weight & not just be thrown around willy-nilly.

@Jack1964

If you need help following through just say this sentence that you wrote over and over and over in your head:

if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years

Jack, as someone who loves children but sadly doesn’t have them , it breaks my heart that they aren’t even mentioned in your reasons for not telling your wife you’re leaving:

Unfortunately for me to leave without telling my wife will be impossible for the following reason.
We both own 50/50 percent of a thriving business whereas we are working alongside one another throughout the day.
I was hoping to negotiate keeping the business and giving her a larger share of the cash pot.
Our lives are pretty interwoven hence I will need to come up with a good exit speech

Of course your lives are interwoven. You have innocent DC who will experience the gut wrenching heartbreak of their parents marriage abrupty end. This is more than business & money.

Also Jack, please don’t buy into some kind of cartoon-style Mumsnet narrative with goodies and baddies!

@PinkMonkeyBird

He's in an abusive relationship and needs

Who on earth on this site was qualified to make that assumption? We know she’s ‘the controlling type.’ This does not necessarily mean she’s an abuser! It’s such a dangerous allegation. We’re talking about a family with DC here and a 30 year marriage!

hence I will need to come up with a good exit speech

Is the person posting this so divorced from reality?

You will need a good lawyer @Jack1964.

And your son 'at college' in the US? Do you think taking him out to dinner to spring it on him is the best way and is really going to soften the blow?

I'm sorry but your 'reality' seems more like day-dreaming.

Your first step at the moment is to talk to a divorce solicitor. You've already invested money in renting a flat and that will come out of your share of the joint assets.

But @Jack1964, almost exactly a year ago to the day, you posted you had told your wife you were leaving and would move out in 2 months when 'the cottage' [you own?] was free.

But now you say she has no idea you want to leave.

I am confused. Jack, you said that you were flying to the US on the 28th, to see your son and tell him, but on the 29th you posted here that you didn't have the balls to tell your wife you wanted a divorce.

Are you now with your son? Are you trying to have that chat with him and tell him about your decision?

Interesting ...

May I also add that I ended my marriage face to face eye to eye and thrashed it all out in therapy with my H. MN helped me a great deal & people on MN highlighted the controlling manipulative behaviour my H was exhibiting . But I still respected my H and had compassion for him. Yes, he behaved poorly but that’s not the sum of who he was.

The way a relationship ends can have life long consequences for a person ranging from PTSD To depression.

Jack has told us so very little so we don’t really know much about their relationship— he has told us more about the business than anything which is interesting.

Jack, I plead with you — unless you genuinely do fear for your safety look your wife in the eye and tell her. Talk, cry — do what ye need to do but don’t lower yourself by behaving poorly even though she has (the affair). In twenty years time, how would you like to look back on all of this?

Are you even still there?

The ‘what say you!’ seemed pretty glib considering it’s a 30 year marriage you’re ending. Maybe it’s just the impending relief? Who knows. You say so very little & meanwhile armchair psychologists are still deciding your wife is an abuser. Help us all!

@Lifeisabeach09

Unless you fear for your safety, you really need to tell her face to face. I agree that it is spineless and disrespectful to walk out on a 30-year marriage with just a note. Yes, she may try to change your mind-only you can prevent her from doing so.

Totally agree . These men who do a runner are appalling .

@VivaMiltonKeynes would you say the sam if the OP was a woman?

Sorry @VivaMiltonKeynes I was supposed to tag @Lifeisabeach09

@goatsgalore

I don’t think the gender matters here. We know so very little about their relationship & the OP doesn’t seem to be contributing to the thread much.

How did last night go? Or are you still with your son?