Give me strength to leave her next week

[Jack1964]

Ok I have posted on here before under finally leaving my wife.
The short of my story is as follows.
Married 30 yrs, 2 children all grown up one in last year of college .
Relatively well off 2 homes and extra savings.
My wife is the controlling type always gets her way , looks after all savings and always makes the decisions .
We have a very successful business together of which I’m the main breadwinner.
Wife had a emotional affair last year and was ready to meet up with the man when I was outa town, well he broke it off last minute , the texts and photos sent to each other were rather graphic.
I have rented a place for a year starting Aug 1st 2020
I am planning on moving out on Aug 16 once my son goes back to college (I will be flying over there on the 28th Aug and I will take him out and explain our separation)
We did do some counseling after her affair but if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years.
Anyway I just would like to keep my resolve on the 16th and finally leave her but I’m afraid it’s going to be to difficult as her behavior has become very nice and calm of late.
What can I do to give myself that final push out the door.

Thanks for reading

Good luck OP.
You are doing the right thing.
Time for you now.
Get out there and enjoy an abuse free life.

Good luck and stay strong. Freedom is waiting for you!

Well done OP for getting your ducks in a row and making the decision to look after yourself. Have you read any of www.chumplady.com? It's a site for people who have been cheated on, I found it very helpful to steel my resolve when my relationship broke up. Like you it wasn't just infidelity in my case but it's amazing how much common experience people have. As pp have said, making a list of all the reasons you are leaving and reading it whenever you feel yourself weakening is a good trick. Also make sure you have lots of RL support.

I feel sorry for any man on here who pours his heart out, they seem to be given such a hard time by some.

Jack, you don't owe her any warning you are leaving, where was her loyalty to you when she had an affair? Just keep,reminding yourself of the bad parts of your marriage and the crap you have endured for at least the last ten years. You deserve to find someone who will love you for you, someone who doesn't manipulate and control you.

you can do this, one more week then you can start on a new chapter, a happier chapter. Wishing you lots of luck and strong will.

I hope those on MN who claim there aren't any double standards see some of the replies here.

OP, just go, you owe your cheating, coercive and abusive spouse no warning. Once you are free and clear you can get on with the formal process.

Jack, I don't know if this will be any help.

I recently split up with my wife of 20+ years. So not quite as long. OTOH we still have kids at home so more complicated. I did suffer a huge amount of doubt and indecision along the way.

The point where I knew I'd done the right thing, was afterwards when I got a vague but lovely sense of the world opening up with possibility, an inexplicable sense of basic positivity that I hadn't had for years as the relationship problems had sapped my energy and made me feel I was just "killing time".

I don't know what the rest of your life is like or how this will play out for you. But all I would say is: Don't feel you have to analyse everything and have explanable reasons for everything. Listen to your gut. Wake up in the morning and register how you FEEL about your day / your life. Notice the states of mind and being that you can't necessarily put a name to. You'll soon know where your future lies.

I don't see any double standards. I don't see any evidence that the OP is subject to coercive control, at any risk, financial or physical. His only fear appears to be his own passivity and that his wife will persuade him to stay. He is of course quite right to leave, but I think that (on the basis of the evidence given above) comparing this to a woman who is frightened to leave an abusive relationship and has to plan her departure covertly is ridiculous. And insulting.

Think about the next ten years being miserable - good luck to you, I'm sorry you're going through this.

Avoiding a confrontation when you are worried you will be manipulated into staying is a good idea.
You have the absolute right to put yourself first and leave in the way that you feel is best for you.
The fact that you are male and she is female does not mean you have to put her feelings first.
She chose to be controlling.
She chose to have an affair (emotional or physical , doesn't matter)
Now you are being advised to prioritise her and make it easier for her? Knickers to that.
Just leave.

She's calm and nice probably because she can sense you're about to leave. She's pushed you to the edge and knows you're about to fly.

The reason why you find it difficult to give yourself that push is because you're probably expecting some kind of consensus here between you, for a mutual agreement that there is nothing left in your marriage that would help you feel less indecisive about it all, but you have to accept and be ready for none. She may strongly resist your breakup and you have to be ready for that.

What might be absent here is emotion. In your post, everything is very factual - there is no 'I'm down' 'I feel unloved' 'I'm angry' 'I'm frustrated' 'I feel suffocated' than one might expect from someone who has lived with such a controlling person. The one thing you are is 'afraid' - afraid of ripping that plaster off. Maybe you're afraid of making the wrong decision, but it doesn't sound like you are. You've had plenty of time to get to know here and it seems like your relationship is taking more away from your life than it's giving.

Ok here we are Aug 23rd
I was going to tell my wife on Aug 16 I was leaving her and pack a couple of bags and go.
I already have my fully furnished apartment all ready to move into with half of my belongings already there.
I have signed a lease for a year and have been paying for it starting 1st Aug.
I just can’t find the right time to tell her I’m leaving , of course I want to do it with minimum impact

There will never be the right time. Just sit her down, explain and leave!

Why not just move into your new place and tell her once you’ve actually gone?

Come on Jack. You have been posting about this for a long time.

You are throwing money away on this flat. You are throwing your life away in this dead relationship.

Tell her tonight you are going. Then just walk out that door.

Or leave her a note. Whatever. Just go.

There is never a good time, she may well surprise you by not trying to talk you round. A week so far over your plans, and still stuck. If your greatest fear is to be talked round, phone her after you've gone, or leave a note.

Just leave. Make the move and tell her afterwards. Leave her a note, anything, but leave today.

If you have already gone, how can she talk you out of it?

Hi Jack,
I remember your previous posts and how conflicted you were. So well done for getting to this stage.

I understand how hard it must be to actually have the discussion that you're leaving. But I think the longer you leave it, knowing you've already got a place to stay, the worse the fallout might be. It will feel more of a deception from your wife perpspective. I know, I know perhaps she deserves that, but if you want to do it with minimal fuss, be honest as soon as you can.

Did you move into your new home? I hope you had the strength to leave.

There is never going to be a time of 'minimum impact' and the longer you leave it the more reasons you will find to stay.

You just up and go.

There's likely to be a scene (big or small) so it's up to you whether it happens before your stuff is moved over, or before.

In your position I'd go, and either leave a short letter or send a text.

I've been in a somewhat similar position before and texted once I was somewhere safe.

People who think you can't be talked out of leaving, or persuaded to come back when you've checked out already, it's possible. I'd just go.

There's so much more to just walking out the door. How will she react? Are you going to be bombarded with messages, calls, attempts at contact, the guilt trip, apologies, offers of counselling, promises to be better... some women are terrified of being alone and confuse that with love. Or will she just accept it quickly and you move on to an amicable divorce? What about your children, whose side will they take or will it be fair and they respect and continue to spend time with both of you?

Honestly if you can't even summon yourself to tell her, then you'll never get through the storm that is about to hit when you do.

You just have to be honest. I'm 31 and I've had to end a relationship with a mortgage involved in my early twenties. I know I'm probably less experienced than you in life but we are all the same inside. You are not happy and you won't be until you do what's right for you. Once you've done it you are free to live happily again as you please. Money is important but your happiness and living life to the best you can is important too. You only get one chance.

Its going to be hard for you all. I'm not surprised you feel like this when she was being unfaithful and was prepared to play away. That's such an insult to a relationship. It's natural to be curious and want excitement and passion. But we have to all accept that doesn't last forever and can be up and down over the years.

My advice is do it. Literally do it! Write a letter perhaps. Then tell her you can talk when she's read it but you are not going to change your mind this time.

Just go.
Wait until she's out.
Leave a note.
She's treated you badly, you do NOT owe her advance warning/ explanation / any chance to talk you into staying. You just need to get yourself out and into your new place so you can start to live again.
Good luck, Jack, we're cheering you on.

Just leave when she is out. Make sure you have all of the necessary paperwork.

Tell kids.

Do it. No one should stay with a controlling, manipulative person whether they are the husband or wife.

All this advice is very helpful , Thankyou