Give me strength to leave her next week

[Jack1964]

Ok I have posted on here before under finally leaving my wife.
The short of my story is as follows.
Married 30 yrs, 2 children all grown up one in last year of college .
Relatively well off 2 homes and extra savings.
My wife is the controlling type always gets her way , looks after all savings and always makes the decisions .
We have a very successful business together of which I’m the main breadwinner.
Wife had a emotional affair last year and was ready to meet up with the man when I was outa town, well he broke it off last minute , the texts and photos sent to each other were rather graphic.
I have rented a place for a year starting Aug 1st 2020
I am planning on moving out on Aug 16 once my son goes back to college (I will be flying over there on the 28th Aug and I will take him out and explain our separation)
We did do some counseling after her affair but if truth be told I’ve probably wanted to leave this marriage for the last 10 years.
Anyway I just would like to keep my resolve on the 16th and finally leave her but I’m afraid it’s going to be to difficult as her behavior has become very nice and calm of late.
What can I do to give myself that final push out the door.

Thanks for reading

OP it is difficult to leave when your abuser is being nice, but that isn't how she always is is it?

She might only be horrible 30% time, but that is the real her.

You need to be strong and do this for your own benefit and future. It was serious enough for you to arrange a flat and it probably took you a long time to get to that point.

You don't deserve to be living this half life with someone who doesn't respect you or value you. You deserve peace.

I get that you might feel guilty, but that guilt isn't yours, its hers. Consequences of HER actions.

Please just go. No big scenes. Leave a note if you want to. But go.

Sending you strength Jack.

Just go without telling her, and leave the fallout til later.

There is no right time to leave a 30 year marriage, so don’t wait for it, just get on with it. Wanting to leave for the last 10 years is suffering enough!! Don’t wait longer.

Good luck op.

It sounds like you're waiting until she tells you to get out as if that will give you the moral high ground. But there is no way to spin this - you got a flat and moved half your possessions out without telling her. She is going to paint you as the bad guy. So just get it done and start the next chapter of your life. Your children may be supportive, they may not, but if you behave calmly and fairly (e.g. don't leave her unable to pay the mortgage or bills) that's all you can do. How she reacts, what she tells people - that is out of your control.

All this advice is very helpful

Are you going to follow it Jack?

There’s a lot of double standards on this site. I totally get where you’re coming from and how hard it is.
First off, there’s never a good time. You need to just go. I’d tell her you’re leaving then leave in the same evening. The pressure becomes immense and you do find yourself being spoken into something you don’t want.
The one thing I did that kept me strong was write down why and have examples of things that have happened written down. Your mind becomes a little foggy it’s hard to think straight- this helps.
Don’t sleep walk through the rest of your life live a life you want. Good luck x

Hi Jack

What you want to do is never going to be easy. And if she is the controlling type, you must be prepared for her reaction.

You must find your resolve; tell her the relationship is over and why; then leave. If she wants to talk more, agree to have that conversation in a few days, in a neutral place where things cannot become heated. Perhaps on a walk in the park.

The longer you leave it the harder it gets; and you must want this to have already rented an apartment.

It is actually good to hear the male side of the abuse story. But am very sorry to hear it just the same. Same applies to those females who are abused.

Just go. Get your shit in gear and walk away. I know that sounds easy but it has to be done.

Best of luck.

I agree about the double standards. It's not helpful to anyone, and women must try to see past these, notice them when they are there and try to think more objectively in a gender neutral way. It is what we would expect and hope for from men, we must (try to) practice what we preach!

The double standards are shocking. It's TRUE men often get a tough time on here.

Reverse this situation and it would be all "you owe him nothing" , "he sent explicit pics" , "go and live your life".

I understand why you stuck it out, op, but this marriage is clearly over. Put yourself first.

OP there will never be a right time. The opening you’re waiting for- it won’t come. You have to create it yourself, it takes a lot of courage to leave a relationship- especially to confront them face to face about it. As pp have stated you are under no obligation to do that. If I were you I would go when she’s out, leave her a letter & call the kids to let them know the situation. However, if you do want to tell her face to face, I would do it like this- as soon as you enter the same room as her state ‘[name] we need to talk, I’m not happy, I haven’t been for a while & I can see I won’t be happy in this relationship. I’m leaving you.’

Have you got the finances sorted? She can't clear out your joint account? That's no. 1 . No 2 - When I finally left my first husband I found that having a friend on my side was a big help, in fact I couldn't have done it without the friend's emotional support (company and shared bottle of wine after work) and practical help with moving my stuff. So that's my tip. Good luck xx

Oh, and don't discuss it first! Move out first, and then ring her later, if necessary.

I’ve seen so many posts on here advising women to just go. They don’t need to have the big showdown.

Just go.

It is a huge thing to leave your home and your family.

But for your own safety it has to be done no matter what. Staying in that environment is awful.

But posters here think it is all just a means of getting papers together and all that.

I doubt it is that simple, sadly.

if you are used to her controlling the situation you may well end up giving in and staying with her. Just leave. Leave a letter for her explaining everything. You do not need to sit down together. I remember being talked out of divorcing my abusive ex fiance, and just endured another year of lies and control as a result

@Jack1964

Ok here we are Aug 23rd I was going to tell my wife on Aug 16 I was leaving her and pack a couple of bags and go. I already have my fully furnished apartment all ready to move into with half of my belongings already there. I have signed a lease for a year and have been paying for it starting 1st Aug. I just can’t find the right time to tell her I’m leaving , of course I want to do it with minimum impact

I feel so dreadfully sorry for you - and your wife - that you have both found yourselves in this devastating position. Going through the menopause can be extremely tough on some women and I'm sorry you've both had to experience the awful side effects, which can last for years. It concerns me @Jack1964 that you don't really reveal your feelings on here (although I appreciate that is difficult on an anonymous forum). It also concerns me that you appear to be making all these arrangements by yourself - do you have someone in real life who is helping you, or who could help you? If not, I do hope you continue to post here as it will help you process your feelings.

@Byallmeans

I’ve seen so many posts on here advising women to just go. They don’t need to have the big showdown.

Just go.

Exactly this. The amount of people on this having 'emapthy' for the OP's wife is shocking. He's in an abusive relationship and needs to leave, just because he is a man ...the double standards appear.

OP - good luck and lots of strength to you.

I think the reason some people may feel empathy for the OP and his wife is due to the flavour of the OP's posts round about this time last year.

The OP was devastated to learn of his wife's infidelity. Reading between the lines, the OP was trying to make sense of why she had been unfaithful. They have been together for a very long time. In his descriptions of her over the various threads, in 2019 he refers to her as having been a loyal wife and mother, an intelligent woman, etc. I inferred from those early posts that he still loved her.

He also referred to her menopause symptoms and how they had affected both of them (e.g. having to sleep separately due to night sweats).
The OP's wife clearly loves him or she wouldn't plead with him not to leave her and she wouldn't say she wanted to grow old with him. (That's a beautiful thing to say, so very heartfelt).Despite the OP referring to her as manipulative, I still get the sense that her affair was in some way related to her menopausal symptoms. I get the sense that the OP is trying to process his thoughts and feelings and this process will include running the gamut of emotions. Sometimes he will refer to her as manipulative and controlling and at other times he will remember different aspects of her personality.

I am not trying to minimise this, but I think that after 30 years of loyalty, it is too much of a coincidence that the cheating coincides with the menopausal time-frame. I write from the perspective of a woman who has not had an affair and has been devastated to learn of my husband's emotional affair. I too have been through a long peri-menopause/menopause and have had awful side effects and I too had to sleep in a separate bed due to night sweats.

Other than people who just basically want to shag different people, I think when people seek emotional connections with others it is because they perceive that something is lacking in the marriage. The wise ones will speak to their partners about it. The foolish ones will not speak up, which is why they go on to find affair partners. The OP's wife falls into the latter category, clearly.

You have all been very nice and supportive with all of your suggestions.
Unfortunately for me to leave without telling my wife will be impossible for the following reason.
We both own 50/50 percent of a thriving business whereas we are working alongside one another throughout the day.
I was hoping to negotiate keeping the business and giving her a larger share of the cash pot.
Our lives are pretty interwoven hence I will need to come up with a good exit speech.

Thanks again

I don't think you owe her anything , but i think you could do irreparable damage to your relationship with your kids , if you sneak out.
As their mother she will continue to be in your life to some degree so the better you get on the easier it will be for everyone.
Tell her soon , and the kids , you then have nothing to hide , time flies and before you know it you will be settled in your new life and so will she, you both may find you are happier than you have been in a long time .

Jack I know it’s hard but you know deep down you are making excuses

What you want is the assurance that you’ll tell your wife & she’ll say “that’s fine, I’ll make it all easy, give you all you want & I wish you well” and that is never going to happen

Of course it’s tough but there is nothing that can’t be sorted out here once you’ve left.

Come what may , I will have the discussion this week and leave.

There will never be a right time I’m afraid. I had this leaving an emotionally abusive relationship. I always found an excuse to hang on. It took me 5 months! They are going to be hurt which ever time of day or date you leave them simply put it.

But the bullet Op and just do it, the sooner the better and you can start to move on and enjoy your new life together. The longer you leave it with your new place pending the worse it will look on you, so get it done! I wish you all the best and a happy future life

In addition Jack, the best exit speech to have here, is simply to just tell the truth