Did I overreact

[Clementinewine]

Hi everyone. Opinions wanted thanks!

Basically we were watching something where the girlfriend on the show told the boyfriend she was going out in the morning to get a cup of coffee for him. My guy said something along the lines of how he would never get that from me.

I said jokingly oh do you want me to be your slave then, he replied did I want him to be my slave, this hurt a bit as he has previously thrown out in arguments that he has felt used. So, I wanted to talk about that. I said what do you mean, I never ask for anything from you, I know you have said you felt used before and it concerns me.

Basically it blew up into a huge argument where as usual I got told I couldn't take a joke, at the end we were sitting in silence for a while and I just said shall I go then (we don't live together) he said no, I said well are were going to talk then, he said in a really sarcastic tone "well go on then talk, what do you want to talk about".

Ultimately I got teary (as is often the case) and we argued some more and he was pretty much laughing at me even though I was upset. Then I left.

He has been moody this weekend, said he was "low" so I almost expected we would argue.

I don't know I guess I did overreact. I just hate how everything is always me being unable to take a joke, me being too sensitive, and whenever I want to discuss something serious these days or I show I am annoyed he says I am going on and on, I admit maybe I do sometimes, but he has started just saying he is sick of my shit, or fed up with it, or whatever. So I am tired of that too. Thanks.

[Clementinewine]

Thanks @backseatcookers I know you talk sense.

I was only saying an I right for him, as I don't think he would respond well if I frame it as are we right for each other. Because the focus is usually on me and me causing issues.

It hurts to see the suggestion that he wouldn't be heartbroken if we broke up, as he doesn't care as much. He says he loves me. It hurts to consider that he just doesn't care as much.

We do have our differences, but the affection part, yes I do want more affection at those difficult times, but the rest of the time he is very affectionate, and he has always said how much he likes how affectionate I am, as previous girlfriends haven't always been that affectionate. So I do think we are on the same level in terms of affection needs and wants, just not when we are arguing.

I agree that in the other points we do differ a lot, and we can't expect each other to change. There are many good things about him though and I know he would say the same about me, there are good things about our relationship together, which is why it makes it so much harder to accept that it is probably better to walk away.

[backseatcookers]

I was only saying an I right for him, as I don't think he would respond well if I frame it as are we right for each other. Because the focus is usually on me and me causing issues.

You second guess and reframe what you actually mean when you talk to him about your feelings in order to try and get a more positive reaction from him or minimise fall out. In doing so, you are not therefore having an honest conversation which is unhealthy.

It hurts to see the suggestion that he wouldn't be heartbroken if we broke up, as he doesn't care as much. He says he loves me. It hurts to consider that he just doesn't care as much.

He flippantly threatens ending it in arguments, he doesn't show the protective nature a partner should and he is allowing you to do all the heavy lifting emotionally in the relationship. He may well love you but he is not on the same page as you and while I understand it's hard to hear, it's painfully obvious he doesn't feel the same as you do because he's allowing this unhealthy dynamic to continue and you to go to counselling to try and change things when it clearly isn't working.

We do have our differences, but the affection part, yes I do want more affection at those difficult times, but the rest of the time he is very affectionate

But those difficult times are what matters, surely? Do you really think he could emotionally support you if a serious life event happened, or there was a major health issue? He doesn't sound resilient or kind enough to do so.

There are many good things about him though and I know he would say the same about me, there are good things about our relationship together, which is why it makes it so much harder to accept that it is probably better to walk away.

Sometimes there isn't a goodie and baddie in a relationship, I think we are fed that line when people say stuff like 'men are bastards' when the reality is everyone has good and bad parts but sometimes two people who aren't compatible end up bringing out the worst in each other and it turns toxic. It really does sound like that's what's happened here.

[1WildTeaParty]

Jokes between couples are fun. They do not to hurt one party however sensitive they are.

'Teasing' between couples is also fun. It differs from abuse/insult because it is engaged in (with joy) by both parties.

If one person in the couple is hurt then something has gone wrong.

Either the joker is a bit inept or insensitive to the one they love (and can do better next time)
OR
It is use of the terms 'teasing' /'joking to minimise and disguise a desire to hurt and humiliate.

He won't apologise if he enjoys hurting you or having the power to make you take the blame each time.

Is your therapy helping you to recognise and stand-up to bullying? I think that he won't approve of it if it starts to succeed.

[Clementinewine]

@backseatcookers it is hard to hear, as we have discussed moving in and all the rest and he has seemed like he wanted that.

He has tried to be supportive with me with work things, my general instability/mental health, but he can be a bit inconsistent with it. When one of my cats died recently he was a bit sympathetic but ultimately it was, well that's just life.

At the same time perhaps I am not always supportive enough of him either. But it is hard if he won't communicate any issues. He would rather not text me for a few days then say something is up. I appreciate perhaps I am also not that easy to discuss things with.

But yes I agree I am not always honest with my communication either, like the example. Trying to minimise or reframe to avoid fallout.

I tried to avoid fallout another time a few weeks back when he said something I found extremely patronising. I didn't say anything and kept it in but ultimately it was on my mind for days and I withdrew a lot.

@1WildTeaParty it is early days for my therapy and I am not yet 100% sure she is the right one for me yet. I have considered bullying. It just seems like because the jokes and comments aren't usually obviously insulting, then really it probably is just me being too sensitive to teasing and overreacting.

He also likes to pair up with our mutual neighbour if we are outside chatting and tease me, although that does not happen often, and usually the neighbour instigates it. The neighbour is alright but a bit of a twit sometimes I think. Shares this same idea of humour just being teasing people a lot.

[ChristmasFluff]

Oh, I bet they are all about 'banter'! Abusers always are.

Just that one line tells you all you need to know - "he was pretty much laughing at me even though I was upset". Would you do that to someone you cared about? Would you even do it to someone you didn't like? THAT is why you are unsuited. Only abusers will sit and laugh at someone they say they love who is crying.

This will be an article that may be difficult for you to read, because it challenges your description of what you feel for him as being love.

blog.melanietoniaevans.com/is-it-possible-to-truly-love-a-narcissist/

Don't be put off by the title - I think you will see how it applies to you, whatever you partner is or isn't.

[1WildTeaParty]

The 'jokes' and comments hurt you - and he knows this.
Your sensitivity is something that a loving partner would note and react to... he shouldn't just carry on. Doing so is mean - and deliberately so even if the things that upset you are not obviously insulting.

It is even more typical of a bully that he joins up with someone else to hurt you. A loving partner would defend and protect you - from whatever hurts you. Your feelings would be important to him.

[Clementinewine]

Thank you @ChristmasFluff for that advice and the link. I am feeling too tired and run down to read it all now but will try later!

Yes that is what I think @1WildTeaParty so no matter how much I try to just be less sensitive, I still feel it isn't right. And I agree when the neighbour makes a joke and he joins in or laughs. It annoyed me once as I witnessed the neighbour tease another female neighbour, then another male neighbour who was there (it's very much a community here) defended her politely, and I was just thinking wow wouldn't it be nice to be defended even just from a silly joke, rather than just have my boyfriend join in or laugh at it too.

[OldEvilOwl]

My ex used to be like this - everything was always a 'joke'. I told him jokes are supposed to be funny though so its obviously not a joke. you should have left sooner

[1WildTeaParty]

It is pretty normal for a partner to stick up for you - politely- rather than to aim another 'kick'.

It is not wrong to be sensitive. Don't change. I'd guess that if you do, the jokes and teasing will just get more harsh.

While you are with this man who does not care about your feelings or even likes to hurt you, you are missing opportunities to meet one who will love you as you are and will want to be kind to you.

[WhiteVixen]

Relationships are HARD. They are like climbing a mountain range with obstacles and ups/downs.

Jeez no, they are not supposed to be this hard! I’ve been with my husband 12 years, married nearly ten, and it has certainly not been ‘obstacles and ups/downs’ for us!

OP this guy has you right on the hook. Convinced it’s all your fault with your ‘instability’ and ‘over sensitivity’. Unable to take a ‘joke’ (it’s not a joke unless everyone’s laughing). Pretty sure your therapist is dying to tell you to tell him to take a hike.

[Opentooffers]

It's just 'banter' even when it's plain picking on someone. Seems he does a lot of this, it's wearing. I'm not a fan of constant banter, or 'taking the Mick'. It might just about be ok once in a blue moon, but as a daily communication habit, it's tedious. It's also a low form of humour, a cheap gag.
Some men do it to each other as a form of oneupmanship, it gets to a point of who can deliver the worst insult all in the name of fun and stops when someone is upset - then the other has 'won'. Happens mostly with uneducated men who can't articulate what they really feel, so hide it in a banter showdown. It can be like a testosterone-fuelled, puffing out the chest show. To people who know better, it's just trading insults because you are pissed off at something about the other person, but you don't have the guts to say what you really feel. I think if you keep trying to pin him to what he really means, he still won't be able to articulate it, he just hasn't got it in him, I doubt he understands himself, he may know at times he's cheesed off, but doesn't understand why, so asking him isn't going to work.
It says more about his failings than yours, he's just deflecting his own inadequacy by putting it all on you. At every joke, I'd not respond back, not take it personal, but not give it back either, it's then just a few words that don't carry on to anything. Think you'll realise how dull he is once every joke falls flat.

[annabel85]

You can't possibly continue this relationship. Dump.