Did I overreact

[Clementinewine]

Hi everyone. Opinions wanted thanks!

Basically we were watching something where the girlfriend on the show told the boyfriend she was going out in the morning to get a cup of coffee for him. My guy said something along the lines of how he would never get that from me.

I said jokingly oh do you want me to be your slave then, he replied did I want him to be my slave, this hurt a bit as he has previously thrown out in arguments that he has felt used. So, I wanted to talk about that. I said what do you mean, I never ask for anything from you, I know you have said you felt used before and it concerns me.

Basically it blew up into a huge argument where as usual I got told I couldn't take a joke, at the end we were sitting in silence for a while and I just said shall I go then (we don't live together) he said no, I said well are were going to talk then, he said in a really sarcastic tone "well go on then talk, what do you want to talk about".

Ultimately I got teary (as is often the case) and we argued some more and he was pretty much laughing at me even though I was upset. Then I left.

He has been moody this weekend, said he was "low" so I almost expected we would argue.

I don't know I guess I did overreact. I just hate how everything is always me being unable to take a joke, me being too sensitive, and whenever I want to discuss something serious these days or I show I am annoyed he says I am going on and on, I admit maybe I do sometimes, but he has started just saying he is sick of my shit, or fed up with it, or whatever. So I am tired of that too. Thanks.

[Clementinewine]

@spinachfinger we have tried to talk before occasionally but it has ended in arguing usually...

The only times it didn't result in another argument was usually when the focus of the talk was on me and I relented to accepting that I don't react to things normally, am unstable etc. Which I probably am I don't know, I have been seeing a therapist recently.

[Spinachfinger]

Trust your gut. If you feel he is 'off' he probably is and you should get out.

If it was just a case of he is in a bad mood because life, then I'd let it go. Do you normally argue about the same things? Or is it different things that have been badly communicated to each other?

[Spinachfinger]

[quote Clementinewine]@spinachfinger we have tried to talk before occasionally but it has ended in arguing usually...

The only times it didn't result in another argument was usually when the focus of the talk was on me and I relented to accepting that I don't react to things normally, am unstable etc. Which I probably am I don't know, I have been seeing a therapist recently.[/quote]
I was in a relationship like this. Every attempt at a talk was thwarted by my ex who always felt I was trying to trip him up or catch him out somehow. So it always ended in a row. It was exhausting because I just wanted a relationship where communication was free flowing and feelings easily understood.

Notice he is now an ex.

[Chloemol]

You say you love him, but do you? Or are you just afraid of being on your own?

He’s emotionally abusing you, you say yourself everything is twisted to be your issue, no one is perfect! And that includes him

Leave him, get some self esteem back

[Clementinewine]

I know, it is shitty and I should just move on. But it's hard to do.

[Spinachfinger]

And you defo shouldn't have to bear the brunt of being at fault in a relationship. It takes two, remember. If you can analyse your own misgivings why is he not doing the same? He should be willing to work on his faults too and more to the point work on your relationship with you.

The more you update the more I think it wont end well. I didn't grasp the extent of the problem from your first post.

[Spinachfinger]

@Clementinewine then tell him you want some space. Not necessarily breaking up, but just time alone. And put your focus back on you and the things that make you happy.

[Aquamarine1029]

I know, it is shitty and I should just move on. But it's hard to do.

It's always harder to stay with an abusive man. The truth is if you decide to stay, you are the maker of your own misery. Why do that?

[Clementinewine]

Yeah what makes it worse is that we have broken up before @Spinachfinger

Or it feels like those periods of silence after arguments (that can often last quite a few days) have also been mini breaks/space of sort. Never experienced that with anybody else. But I also kind of enjoyed the silence at time as it meant getting time to myself.

It is also hard as we are neighbours. We basically almost do live together and have done since we met (met him when I moved here). I like living here and don't want to move. But it certainly hasn't made the relationship any healthier.

[BumbleBeee69]

look at it like this .... can you live with this Prick the rest of your life ...

it'd be a No from me OP 🌺

[Spinachfinger]

@Clementinewine and what's the process of you two getting back together? You say things are left unresolved so I can't imagine it is a concerted effort on his part to realise that he could improve?

Is it familiarity that brings you back together rather than you both making amends?

[Clementinewine]

@Spinachfinger I can't remember every time but usually it involves me apologising first.

Very occasionally he has admitted fault in some area. But I just feel like tonight he has probably been happy watching TV whilst I have been upset, going over the whole thing and the relationship, as usual.

I always miss him too much and find it so hard him being very close.

[anonnnnni]

This jumped out at me:

‘^^and we never resolve anything. Arguments are never resolved, the expectation is just to forget them and resume as usual, sometimes after a period of silence, and I just thought it was healthy to be able to discuss things more’

Having been with someone who could have easily written the same thing about a previous partner, I say listen to these other posters. It shouldn’t be this hard. Healthy adults communicate and work through problems together. You’re not resolving anything because he doesn’t have the bandwidth. He doesn’t show any signs of adding to your life and this should be the easy, carefree bit OP.

Move on and find someone who can meet you on your level. Your gut won’t be off with that person and they will bring you peace. Wishing you well x

[Clementinewine]

@anonnnnni I know, and the worst thing is, he knew from early on that I really wanted to be with someone I could communicate with, as my ex who really broke my heart (previous one before him, not abusive) didn't communicate any problems and just up and left.

I know that perhaps I do overreact or get too emotional at times. I just want us to be able to communicate and discuss things. I also thought that as he is more than a decade older than me we would be able to do this more. But we don't.

So last night there was no contact whilst I was upset, then I did in a moment of weakness at midnight send an apology text but more along the lines of apologizing for not making his weekend any easier as I understand he had said he was in a low mood. I said it might have been better to give him space. Clearly I should just be light hearted and take all jokes and now I will give him space.

Then low and behold this morning I get a short good morning love you text from him. So again it just feels like, big argument happened, move on, forget it, even though I was upset and alone yesterday. And I also wonder if he would have sent that message had I not sent the apology of sorts last night.

I know maybe I shouldn't have done, or leave it for a day or so, but I felt bad for whatever maybe overacting, and alone.

[Spinachfinger]

Then low and behold this morning I get a short good morning love you text from him. So again it just feels like, big argument happened, move on, forget it, even though I was upset and alone yesterday. And I also wonder if he would have sent that message had I not sent the apology of sorts last night.

Ugh! This is so annoying. My ex was like this. Let's just forget anything ever happened and move on. I ended up resenting him for a) not establishing ANY boundaries with me whatsoever and b) being so crap at communication. I never knew when/where/why/how an argument was going to happen. And they never got resolved so they lingered and festered. Ex made no attempts to sort things or smooth things over amicably. It just wasn't a skill that was in his tool kit.

I promise you OP, a few more years of your man and you'll feel all the frustration I felt and you will walk. Put another way the love you feel for him now won't last because he won't nurture it.

[Clementinewine]

I know, I am feeling frustrated and have not yet replied. I am not sure when I will and most likely it will just be staying that I want to spend tonight alone, at the very least because I feel rough today and have a headache after being upset and not getting much sleep last night.

He knows I went home upset, I said something like now I am going to be upset alone at home and I know you won't bother to message to ask if I am ok (I was correct). Perhaps that was a ridiculous thing to say, but that's how it always feels/what happens. I get upset on my own and usually we only move on once I have got in contact first and/or apologised.

The message this morning also felt very cut and paste, it is the exact message he has used before a few times, when often he says something a bit different in the morning every day. I don't know. Just don't feel like responding right now after all, perhaps that is ridiculous or immature I don't know. I'm tired and have a splitting headache and have to work, and I also only had a one day weekend myself (not usually the case) as I had a one-off long meeting on Saturday. So just feeling meh now.

[CorianderLord]

Opening up communication so that he could explain if he is feeling used or like something is unequal is not an 'overreaction'.

It's actually the healthy and correct way of having a relationship.

He could have said 'oh I was just joking I don't think that don't worry.'

And then all would've been fine.

Or he could have explained and I imagine you would have listened.

Instead he exploded, got moody and sarcastic, laughed at you to make you feel humiliated and refused to open up.

I'd say he over reacted and is gaslighting you.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

I just wish I could say to him, do you know what, you are Mr Perfect, you are borderline abusive and he are the reasons why

I did in a moment of weakness at midnight send an apology text but more along the lines of apologizing for not making his weekend any easier as I understand he had said he was in a low mood. I said it might have been better to give him space. Clearly I should just be light hearted and take all jokes and now I will give him space

Do you see how different these messages are, OP?

Now you are planning to send most likely it will just be staying that I want to spend tonight alone, at the very least because I feel rough today and have a headache after being upset and not getting much sleep last night

But that isn't it, is it? You need to be more honest, or you may be perceived a splaying games. If you message back, be honest. Say you need some time apart to think about the relationship, as it isn't working for you right now.

You indicated that you had an ex just walk away without warning. I wonder if this is why you are hyper vigilant in this relationship? I think that being in therapy will help you explore this. In your shoes, I'd end this relationship, focus on therapy and then look to build a new, healthy relationship with someone else in the future.

[Clementinewine]

He hasn't said thanks for the apology or asked if I am ok or said how he is or anything. Just good morning, love you, have a good day. Cut and paste message.

During the argument he said he didn't know why we were arguing, from his point of view there was nothing to discuss, etc. He said all this was ridiculous coming from a joke about me not getting him coffee in the morning. I felt a bit hurt due about this "joke" due to the fact it reminded me of him saying once he felt used and explained so perhaps in an over emotional way yes, I tried to explain that this is why I reacted badly to the joke and wanted to discuss it but for him, no issue, nothing to discuss, tell me I am going off on one again, laugh at me when I get upset, then carry on as normal this morning.

And no, he never explained why he said that he felt used once. In reality I never usually ask him to do anything for me or expect anything, and always say thanks and feel grateful.

[Clementinewine]

Thanks. Honestly I know I probably overreacted myself, and then so did he, and it blew up on both sides. I just can never get over the fact that it is normally just me apologising, that I have to just get over being so upset, forget he was laughing at me when I was upset, etc.

I know I should be honest and say I just need space to think about things but I feel that may cause another argument. It is not totally dishonest to say I want the night to myself as I am feeling rough though, as I truly am now.

Is he not also playing mind games though? Just brushing over an argument, not texting when he normally does (goodnight text etc), then only sending a very basic text this morning after I have been in touch. I never really know what he is feeling.

I don't know.

[gottastopeatingchocolate]

He isn't going to give you the answers you want, OP.

He doesn't analyse things like you do. He doesn't want to explain, or have explanations. Whether he is right or wrong, you aren't suited. You can't change him.

[WiltedWillows]

Yes OP you overreacted and are over thinking everything.

[Clementinewine]

In the apology message I said I hoped he feels better soon (as he said he was in a low mood this weekend). He has not asked anything about how I am feeling this morning. Nothing, whilst I did try myself last night.

I will be honest and say I am not feeling very well, I had a bad evening and need space to think about some things and also that I am actually going to try to arrange a video call with my therapist tonight (which is true) when I reply.

[Clementinewine]

Ok, thanks.

[Notredamn]

You're coming across quite controlling now, OP. You're not happy because he's not writing a personalised enough message to you. You can't make people say and act completely how you would like. It does need to end as it's not fair on either of you, and you do need to explore your previous relationships and come to terms with them instead of using your current relation to 'reset' everything as you could never work. It's impossible.