Did I overreact

[Clementinewine]

Hi everyone. Opinions wanted thanks!

Basically we were watching something where the girlfriend on the show told the boyfriend she was going out in the morning to get a cup of coffee for him. My guy said something along the lines of how he would never get that from me.

I said jokingly oh do you want me to be your slave then, he replied did I want him to be my slave, this hurt a bit as he has previously thrown out in arguments that he has felt used. So, I wanted to talk about that. I said what do you mean, I never ask for anything from you, I know you have said you felt used before and it concerns me.

Basically it blew up into a huge argument where as usual I got told I couldn't take a joke, at the end we were sitting in silence for a while and I just said shall I go then (we don't live together) he said no, I said well are were going to talk then, he said in a really sarcastic tone "well go on then talk, what do you want to talk about".

Ultimately I got teary (as is often the case) and we argued some more and he was pretty much laughing at me even though I was upset. Then I left.

He has been moody this weekend, said he was "low" so I almost expected we would argue.

I don't know I guess I did overreact. I just hate how everything is always me being unable to take a joke, me being too sensitive, and whenever I want to discuss something serious these days or I show I am annoyed he says I am going on and on, I admit maybe I do sometimes, but he has started just saying he is sick of my shit, or fed up with it, or whatever. So I am tired of that too. Thanks.

[Notredamn]

Current relationship*

[Bloodylush]

It seems like a really unhealthy dynamic between you. It might not be the ‘fault’ of either of you but the way you have got used to behaving with each other. It must be exhausting.

[Clementinewine]

I understand. I don't expect him to write or say a certain thing and I don't ask him to. When I reply I am not going to be having a go or asking why he hasn't said so and so in his message. it would just sometimes be nice to know he cares or if he even just said everything is ok after we have had an argument. And it would sometimes be nice to be able to talk about our feelings and those kinds of things without us arguing.

Ultimately yes perhaps he is right. I am unstable, overreact, can't take a joke, always want to go on and on (discuss and resolve is what I want but perhaps that is how it comes across). I will work on myself and move on.

During one of the arguments earlier in our relationship he put his hand over my mouth to stop me from talking. Maybe I was going on and on again and that is a totally acceptable thing for someone to do. He did apologise afterwards. In six years my ex (non abusive one, ones before him were violent) never did anything like that.

[Notredamn]

You just communicate differently. No one is accusing you of anything.
That's quite the drip feed. Nothing about the relationship is worth saving.

[Clementinewine]

Ok thank you everybody I appreciate all the advice.

[backseatcookers]

Regardless of the details and individual culpability, this relationship is clearly toxic. It sounds totally unhealthy and unsalvageable. This early on, not even living together, if it's this hard then it's not the right one.

[Clementinewine]

Thank you, I do appreciate it.

I guess I am just trying to figure things out, figure out the relationship and some of the things that have gone wrong, figure out whether or not what he says is correct that I do overreact and I am too emotional and need to work on things. But equally he has overreacted on many occasions.

We have been together 2 years and in the early days it was him overreacting, showing a real temper over the smallest things, things that I worried may be red flags, or maybe just me analysing too much, and now the tables have turned.

But I suppose there is no point in thinking about it as I know is is unhealthy and yes I probably should just move on. I am just disappointed, I love him and I wanted at last this to be the one that would last (though I have had long relationships before, all longer than the ones my current partner has had, and he is a decade older) I wanted this to be the one where we could communicate and resolve and be happy but clearly I was wrong and that's that.

I know I have not had a relationship that has confused me this much before, got me so upset, not since the violent exs 10+ years ago at least.

[SoulofanAggron]

Even if that argument started with something minor, the 'sick of your shit' comments are not ok, and I bet some of his 'just joking'/ 'you're oversensitive' incidents are worse than this.

Keep thinking of all the nasty things he's said and done and you will stop loving him. Get angry at how he's treated you.

I know he thinks I am not light hearted enough. But I have had previous abusive relationships and am constantly on alert for dickheads and probably do analyse too much sometimes.

t's better to err on the side of caution to avoid dickheads than to end up with one for longer than you should due to ignoring red flags/ abusive behaviour.

Just because you're choosing to see a therapist doesn't mean you're 100% unstable and wrong.

That you make the effort to apologize and/or make up every time issn't ok, it should cut both ways. His stonewalling is abusive.

His putting a hand over your mouth to stop you talking is physical abuse! Hacve you mentioned that incident to your therapist? You should. Any therapist worse their salt will tell you physical abuse is not ok and you should leave the relationship. In the rare (I hope) event the therapist says this is ok, they're awful and incompetent and you need to see another therapist instead.

No way should you stay in this abusive (including physically so) relationship.

arguments earlier in our relationship he put his hand over my mouth to stop me from talking. Maybe I was going on and on again and that is a totally acceptable thing for someone to do.

NO! If you believe that then you are really under the thumb. You could tell your therapist you feel that you might have deserved this, too. If they are ethical and not awful then they'll say you're wrong to feel this way, physical abuse is never acceptable, even to this extent. As they say on this board, The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none

He did apologise afterwards.

To try and ensure he got away with it and you didn't dump him permanently. A lot of abusive men do 'apologize' to help them get away with it and keep a woman in a relationship.

In six years my ex (non abusive one, ones before him were violent) never did anything like that.

That's because he was normal and not abusive from what you've said so far.

I know I have not had a relationship that has confused me this much before, got me so upset, not since the violent exs 10+ years ago at least.

You feel similar to some extent because he is one of them.

[1WildTeaParty]

You say you love him and miss him when apart.
Are you sure this is love - and not hope (that he/things will be different this time)?

Tests you might consider:
Does this relationship make you feel happy and safe?
Does this relationship bring out the best in you?

To me (and others on here)he sounds like an abuser.

Perhaps you have become accustomed to abuse and feel that it is a normal part of a loving relationship? It isn't.

A joke is not 'just a joke' if it leaves someone feeling hurt.

If one of you is sensitive then jokes then a loving joker will adjust what they say to allow for this. (The loving joker will laugh at themselves or someone else but not turn the joke on a vulnerable partner.) Being sensitive to your partner is not a weakness.

(No - you are not 'too' sensitive.)

[Spritesobright]

The answers to the following questions:
"Did I overreact?" hard to say but probably not
"Am I too sensitive?" No. He's a dick who is undermining you with the "jokes" and lack of ability to to self-reflect.
But you're asking yourself the WRONG questions. What you should be asking is why you apologised when you know you did nothing wrong. Why do you find it so difficult to stand up for yourself and tell him that you're pissed off with the way he's treated you? Why are you so anxious to explain away his bad behaviour?
These are the questions you should be exploring with your therapist. And bin the boyfriend. He seems to have zero empathy or communication skills

[Clementinewine]

Thank you @SoulofanAggron and @1WildTeaParty. I am inclined to think at the very least, that it is not always just my fault and me being unstable or overreacting, and that he has had a part to play, so I do find it frustrating as he doesn't usually see that. I know that it is not ok that it is usually me apologising, and it is usually coming down to something being wrong with me.

I messaged today and said I will probably try to see my therapist tonight and I am still feeling a bit upset and thinking things through and I just wonder if I am right for him. He said don't think that way, yes try and see the therapist.

Then I replied and said it is probably true though isn't it, and reiterated I am feeling upset, but will speak with therapist about it. And then he replied just with OK. So that's it. Again not saying anything particularly caring or much about how upset I am. Again focus on me and my issues.

I will try to get as much as I can about it over to the therapist this evening, I am not sure yet really of how good the therapist is, but will see what she says. She has already said before though that I am not necessarily wrong or unstable for getting upset or emotional. I think she tries to advocate not passing judgment at least.

[Clementinewine]

Thanks @Spritesobright I partly apologised because I reflected and see that I probably did overreact a little and I felt bad for that. I apologised because I felt perhaps otherwise we might not speak again for a while.

I do try to stick up for myself and that is when the arguments happen and the past couple of arguments that is when the "I'm sick of this shit" or "sick of your shit" comments have started coming in.

I know perhaps he dislikes arguments and conflict and this is his right, and perhaps I am indeed too argumentative. But yes the comments are still nasty (although perhaps I am sometimes nasty too, I said he was a child yesterday due to some of what he was saying but can't remember it all now) and I am still left always confused and upset and like basically I should just not have an issue with anything or get annoyed with or raise anything.

[heartache590]

Relationships are HARD. They are like climbing a mountain range with obstacles and ups/downs.

Covering your mouth is all about the non-verbal. It is different if it is done with aggression vs Bridget Jones gentle style as 'cute' to get you to stop talking. We cant judge that for you.

I think you are over analysing the situation. What you are looking for is validation from your boyfriend regarding your feelings, and this is what is lacking. It doesnt matter if what he is doing is reasonable to us/third parties, what matters is how does it make you feel?

It is causing you anxiety, that much is clear. A therapist, with your consent, will refer you into relationship counselling which isnt about a relationship in distress - it is about understanding each other better.

[Clementinewine]

Hi @heartache590 I think you have it spot on. Yes I want some validation, rather than to be told I am just going on and on, or cannot take a joke. Ideally the validation would happen during or shortly after an argument or discussion, not maybe a few days or weeks later if/when I try to have a reasonable discussion about it.

Yes, it is causing me anxiety and upset.

Really the hand thing wasn't aggressive, but it was during an argument and took me by surprise as nobody has ever done that. I didn't feel it was particularly cute. It just seemed like I wasn't allowed to talk.

Maybe I do go on too much and he doesn't know how to calm it down, but putting his hand over my mouth, or telling me I can't take a joke, or saying "here we go again", or laughing at me when I am upset, none of that helps. None of it helps at all and I do recall saying to him "well you are winding me up more by doing this" during the argument when he was going on as usual about me getting angry.

I mean I can see the whole thing is so bloody ridiculous. Just so disappointed. In myself too yes, I accept my faults but in him also, I don't know, maybe I expect too much. He is almost 50! Over a decade older. I don't know.

[Opentooffers]

You were being sensitive, you asked him first if he wanted you to be his slave, he only said the same thing back to you, and usually it would all be a joke and left at that. However, this is a symptom and shows you are generally not happy in this relationship, it's all bickering and not ayful and happy, so what's the point, just find someone who makes you feel good and secure about yourself, he's not the right guy for you.

[Clementinewine]

*regarding the validatio nof my feelings, I should also add, ideally it would just happen at some point whenever, rather that not at all, which is often also the case.

[Clementinewine]

@Opentooffers we are playful a lot of the time. Sometimes I can indeed laugh at the pretty constant teasing. But neither of us were in great moods this weekend.

I have suggested to him seriously today maybe I am just not the right person for him. He has said don't think like that, see the therapist.

[heartache590]

And there is your solution.
Men are idiots. I am one so i am qualified to give that opinion. If you dont spell it out, then he doesnt know.

Have you ever told him you need him to validate your feelings by giving you a cuddle, or that you know he is joking but you are really sensitive right now and need love/support instead? Indeed, has it ever been suggested that he attends your therapy session?

[heartache590]

And by spell it out. I mean literally 'when i do this, please do that'

[SoulofanAggron]

I know perhaps he dislikes arguments and conflict

He seems very confident when having an argument actually. It's not like he doesn't say his peace and more. Then only apologize when there was violence (it was violence.)

I am still left always confused and upset and like basically I should just not have an issue with anything or get annoyed with or raise anything.

This is what happens in abuse. He's trying to control what you feel able to say.

[Clementinewine]

Thanks @heartache590. He is aware that I don't always like the jokes. He said it is because I don't react normally.

I know it may confuse him as sometimes I laugh at the jokes and sometimes I don't. I suppose it depends on our moods that day. Or just on the actual "joke" itself. There is a difference between teasing me about something silly I may have said, to teasing me about not getting him coffee in the morning, as it felt like it had something else behind it, but yes perhaps I overreacted.

Yes basically he is aware in answer to your question that I can be sensitive to the jokes. I could say to him, well if something like that happens again, it is better to have a hug etc to try and calm it down rather than laugh at me or say here we go again.

[Clementinewine]

We @SoulofanAggron he is always the one the decides when a discussion/argument should end, or if it is worth arguing about. Like he did yesterday and I did imply that of course yes he is the boss and according to him that is it, nothing to discuss. Perhaps I was immature in saying that but that is how I felt.

Confident in arguments then yes, perhaps. Crazy making as well, makes me feel like it anyway. When I reacted with the slave thing and getting upset he also immediately reacted, he also immediately got angry. It wasn't just me.

I know what is the point of this analysis, just end it and forget it etc etc, but I at least want to get it clear in my head when I speak to my therapist, and I want to get it clear in my head what has been going on.

[Clementinewine]

Also no suggestion of him attending the therapy. He said he was once depressed, given drugs and suggestion of therapy, but he did not take the pills and didn't do the therapy, he just "got over it" himself.

But I am expected to go to therapy to really help me, and obviously as a result, help the relationship.

[Clementinewine]

Another technique he has sometimes used to end an argument or "resolve" it or, I feel, to ensure I don't raise anything or get too annoyed, is just saying let's just end it then, he has done that since early on.

So yesterday I said during the argument are you going to break up with me now. Not that mature I realise. But it always seems to be on the table and has been a suggestion he pulls out occasionally since the early days and early arguments.

He is almost 50, never been married (fair enough really though as I am not sure about marriage myself), not had a relationship longer than 3 years. But everything is all my issues, me overreacting, me going on and on.

[backseatcookers]

I messaged today and said I will probably try to see my therapist tonight and I am still feeling a bit upset and thinking things through and I just wonder if I am right for him. He said don't think that way, yes try and see the therapist.

This is such an unhealthy dynamic - why are you deciding if you are right for him instead of deciding if you're right for each other?

It sounds like he would be happy to sort of keep going how things are in this exhausting (for you) cycle of a row, calm bit, row, calm bit whereas you need some validation that it won't always be like this.

He's ok with how things are now because he doesn't care as much as you do, so if it ends he won't be heartbroken he knows he'll be ok but he knows you'll clutch at straws to try to stay together. It's all just so unhealthy.

You don't like fundamental parts of each other - communication styles, sense of humour and sensitivity levels. You're incompatible on those fronts at least to a decent degree. Those are the things that pull a couple through tough times, without them it's lonely and shit being because it means you're with the wrong person.

You want him to be something he's not - someone who is more affectionate, spoils you a bit and offers words of validation without being asked for them. That's not who he is.

He wants you to be someone you're not - someone who isn't sensitive to teasing, who finds teasing funny and who won't get wound up or grumpy when he goes too far. That's not who you are.

This is an unhealthy relationship. Do you really want to be with him for the long haul? And if the answer is 'yes if we both change' then you can write it off, because the bits of you that are clashing are deeply rooted personality and character traits.

You're both just bad for each other, you'll be wasting your money in counselling if the goal you have for it is to make this relationship work. Your goal should be to be willing to acknowledge and accept the relationship is unhealthy, end it and learn from it so you can have healthier relationships in future.

I feel for you I really do but I want to shake you because I've been in relationships like this and wish someone had shaken me - it doesn't have to be this hard!