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Original poster

Would you date a newly widowed man?

31 replies

sailingawaytoday · 08/08/2020 14:28

Even if he had been separated for some years but not amicable ?
I fear that there would be much grieving and complication for some time.
Would you leave it for now. There are children involved .
Thanks.

OP posts:
GisAFag · 08/08/2020 14:30

Take each date at a time and see what happens. Or ask him if he's OK with dating.

IShaggedAMarriedMan · 08/08/2020 14:34

Yes, he was separated and it wasn't amicable.

KatherineJaneway · 08/08/2020 14:35

I fear that there would be much grieving and complication for some time

Is that what you suspect or what he has indicated?

BeChuille · 08/08/2020 14:37

Well, I was going to say no but they'd separated. If they were amicable they probably wouldn't have separated.

It's not like he's going to be desperately needy. But I hear you, his DC may be upset if you're produced too quickly.

That'd be my concern if a widow seemed keen to lock you down after three dates. I have met some strangely needy men, (as well as men who disappear after three dates!)

Original poster
sailingawaytoday · 08/08/2020 14:39

I am rather surprised at his reaction. He is feeling regret and guilt and is not coping well.He has his children with him
Full time now which in and
Of itself is a new development.

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 08/08/2020 15:31

I would think he needs to focus on supporting the children and that you would not be his priority ever. If you were just after casual company maybe, but I would walk away.

JulesCobb · 08/08/2020 15:33

Not in these circumstances. Why was his separation not amicable? How frequently said he have his children before this? My worry would be he has no idea how to be an adequate parent and would be looking for a nanny. He is also feeling guilt? About what?

How did you end up considering dating him? Dis he ask?

JulesCobb · 08/08/2020 15:34

I would think he needs to focus on supporting the children

This. He should be 100% focused on the children if he is newly widowed.

JulesCobb · 08/08/2020 15:34

How old are the children?

category12 · 08/08/2020 17:14

No way given he's now sole carer of their children. He should be focusing on them, and I'd be concerned he's thinking of trying to slot any available woman into her place.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/08/2020 17:49

No, the children should be the sole focus at this time not a new relationship.

I wouldn’t date a new widow or recently out of a long term relationship as those things need to be processed first imo before moving on.

Original poster
sailingawaytoday · 08/08/2020 19:06

He has had his kids very regularly. They are 9 and 11. I suspect he wants to focus solely on them but I am thinking of finishing up
To allow him to concentratefully on them
As he is not available in any way to continue a relationship. It's awkward .

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 08/08/2020 19:19

I think you need to just tell him that - he needs to be there for his children and realise that means the end of dating for you.

FredaFrogspawn · 08/08/2020 19:24

If I liked him and wasn’t in a rush to be properly with someone, I think I’d keep seeing him occasionally without the dc involvement. (Assuming he’s is able to get a babysitter once in a while). But I would keep very much in the background and accept that his family comes first.

Is only do that if it suited me ok too.

fwwaftp · 08/08/2020 20:28

No I'd leave that.
So much for everyone to adjust to.
I think he needs time on his own to settle into the new role as sole-parent to the children.
In a couple of years perhaps he might be in the right place to start dating.
I'd be concerned about him possibly just trying to find any woman to fulfill the role of wife and mother which is now vacant. I think it's all just too soon and if I were you, I would finish with him. You could maybe stay loosely in contact if you do like him but nothing serious.

BranchedOut · 08/08/2020 21:14

Have you been dating him and now this has happened? If so, how long for?

I think I'd remain friends but back off a bit to allow him time to focus on his DC.

TwentyViginti · 08/08/2020 21:35

I'd be concerned about him possibly just trying to find any woman to fulfill the role of wife and mother which is now vacant

That would be my concern too.

Festivalgirl83 · 08/08/2020 22:10

Would you still class someone as a widow if they had been separated from their ex? Were they divorced? If they have been separated years I doubt he is grieving her, he wont have loved her for years...

Original poster
sailingawaytoday · 09/08/2020 11:21

I believe that widowed is correct as they were separated.I don't think it would work out for us as he is still very distraught and shocked.
Thanks.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 09/08/2020 12:30

Its normal to feel guilt when a partner dies if the relationship was troubled, or you ended up disliking the other person. It can feel like an odd or inappropriate reaction so it can complicate an already upsetting situation.

I dont think he sounds like he is ready for dating. He might need someone to talk to and help sort his head out instead. He needs friends and counsellors for that.

AlternativePerspective · 09/08/2020 12:39

How long has it been since the mother of his children died?

TBH I wouldn’t consider him a widow in that sense of the word. It’s only an official term at this stage, they were separated and it wasn’t amicable, so I would be a bit Hmm if he tried to present to me as a widow. He’s a man whose ex has died.

The children are another matter, but tbh they are going to be coming to terms with their mum’s death regardless. Their dad already wasn’t living with them, so his dating other women shouldn’t concern them at this point. It’s not as if he’s replacing their mum as she already wasn’t in his life.

What is it he feels guilty about?

I do know a widow who was seeing someone else a few weeks after his DW died, had her staying over at the house with the kids and everything. Now that I am a bit Hmm about... But in this instance I think it’s different.

Original poster
sailingawaytoday · 09/08/2020 14:58

He doesn't present as a widow . The term is my own.
She died six more baths ago.
He feels guilty as he called time
On the marriage due to unreasonable behaviour and parenting issues and had more access to his children than she did.
She had supervised access.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 09/08/2020 15:03

No.

His focus needs to be completely on his children, and if he's thinking about them, it should be blindingly obvious to him that right now the last thing they need is a female figure popping up as soon as their mum has gone. They just don't need it, it would be in no way positive for them. They need him all to themselves.

If it's meant to be, and if he's a man worth having, this conversation should already be happening with HIM saying 'Right now I need to focus on the kids 100% but if you are still a free agent in 6 months time I would love to keep in touch.'

AlternativePerspective · 09/08/2020 15:53

Well, if the children were already living with him then they will be used to him having relationships with other women.

This is clearly not a case of a man wanting a mother figure for the children given they A, didn’t live with her and B, she had supervised contact only.

The children will need to come to terms with her death, but it will be in a different way from coming to terms with the loss of their mother, their rock, the woman who did everything for them, because that woman was long gone a long time ago.

Sssloou · 09/08/2020 16:40

He has his children with him. Full time now which in and of itself is a new development.

Where have the DCs been for the last 6 month so since their mother died? Who were they living with when they had sup access?

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