AIBU to send this text to my husband about texting his female friend?

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

He is sleeping and I’ve been awake ages so I’ve just written down all my feelings.

I’ve met this girl afew times, she seems nice. She is married with 2 kids. We have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those with first child on the way in January. I just am feeling paranoid and awful about them texting but I just don’t know how to bring it up with me because he gets annoyed that I’d even suggest anything was going on.

Whenever I ask who he is texting he always will tell me if it is her with no delay and I’ll ask what they’re chatting about and he’ll openly tell me.

He knows my paranoia stems from my dad being a cheating, deceptive knob. I just can’t help the way I feel and feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t talk to him about it.

If I send him this text for him to wake up to will I look like a crazy psycho wife or shall I just refer to it later when I’m (hopefully) going to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. Do I even need to talk to him about it or shall I just believe the person who I love and married that he just had a friendship with someone who happens to be female and glued to her phone all day?!

How can I get past being paranoid?

Text us as follows (Apologies in advance is there’s typos!):

The whole texting think just makes me jealous and paranoid. I was telling you only the other week that I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment - mainly due to pregnancy hormones, my dream didn't help (I had a dream they had had an affair the night before). I know the quiz wasn't the right time to bring it up (was on mute from our weekly family Skype quiz at the time), but I think I just needed some reassurance. Not to be shot down as that made me feel even worse. I was on the verge of tears all evening and when we were in bed, I think you knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn't want to talk about it. It's on my mind allot.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me.. your own wife vs someone you'd probably been talking to all day.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you really and I mean really be 100% comfortable with me constantly texting another bloke? Would there not be a tiny piece of you that would be somewhat jealous and think that texting anymore than like 10 a day is inappropriate? I know that there is nothing untoward but it just makes me uncomfortable which you know.

Its made me uncomfortable even before Christmas (particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate) (this was a message she sent to him that I saw and it accompanied her saying merry Xmas or something and he said she prob sent it to everyone) time so it's like 8 months I've been feeling like this.

Every time I ask who you are texting and you say LADY’S NAME my heart drops, I try and act like I'm ok but I get sad. What are you getting out of your relationship with LADY that you're not getting from me? That doesn't mean to say you should lie to me about it.

I suppose if I had more understanding of your friendship it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have barely slept because I keep waking up and thinking about it. And I've been awake since 6:15. It's quite frankly consumed me and the temptation to wake you up now is too much!! Now 7:02 and I am on the verge of tears again.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.

Just help me not feel this way, help me understand. Please. This is really starting to effect me.

If you’re still reading I really appreciate it, thanks for getting this far. I know I probably sound like loonatic. Does this message have any substance to it and I would I be within my right to sent it or would I just embarrass myself?

This is recent behaviour from him though. He's not known to have had other close female friends Bluntness

I think the acid test here on the friendship front is would he have sent those texts to a male friend? If yes, then its all good. If not then it's not pure friendship but straying into something else.

You don't have to be 'cool' if it's bothering you, but equally you don't have to go in as a hysterical bashee laying down the law on who he can be friends with.

There is a middle way between these two points that doesn't undermine him having platonic friendships with women, nor requires you to prostrate yourself in front of him to get his attention and negate your insecurities.

In your shoes I would sit down and have a calm conversation and apply the acid test with him. Talking and talking some more might bring up a lot of what you are worried about and get him to see your point of view. It might also reveal what his friendship is like and what its giving him. You hopefully might understand where each other is actually coming from.

You really need to work on your self esteem. There's a lot of blatant insecurity there which, as PP says, is not attractive. Even if you do feel like he's too good for you or whatever, don't let HIM see that! Being needy won't stop him from cheating. If he wants to, nothing will stop him. Focus on you.

Sit and say to him "DH I'm all for us having friends of the opposite sex. However the amount of contact between you is too much. It's concerning me that you speak to her way more than you do me. I'm trying to be ok about your friendship but I'm pretty sure you are walking into an emotional affair. Whether you see that yet or not. Consider how you would feel if this was me and "male friend"
This! Absolutely say this!

But if someone else was with me, I wouldn't do it, and that is because what gets lost in this world where everything is done online, is that it is rude to disregard the person you are physically with, in order to talk to someone else remmotely.

It's like him inviting a friend into your house every single day, and talking to them and not you. I don't think anyone would be ok with that, be the friend a man or a woman.

This is it for me in a nutshell. It would be rude regardless of who he was texting and it really does knock your confidence, in the same way as if you're with a group of people and not one of them talks to you, leaving you on the outskirts. It isn't controlling to expect your husband to not emotionally disengage with you in order to engage in conversation with someone else while you're sitting right there, particularly if it's happening on a regular basis.

PPs are right though Op, you need to take some time to work on your self esteem and learn to let go of things like dreams. Thinking of yourself as a fat, paranoid woman and him as the 'full package' isn't healthy. You are equals in your marriage and it's for you to work on and get yourself to a place where you feel good about yourself. But you should also both be making each other feel loved and valued, and if that isn't happening then you need to work on it together.

You've got your feelings out, now 'burn the letter' and figure out how to talk all to your husband about it properly. If you don't then it's going to eat away at you and affect your relationship and your mental health, but first you need to separate out what you need to come to terms with yourself, and what you need to do as a couple to foster a happy relationship.

So hang on, you had a dream that they had an affair and that drove you to being the issue up with him during a zoom call?

You are having a lot of intense emotions around this but you’re not approaching it in an appropriate way, you need to literally just sit down with him and say you aren’t comfortable with the amount they are texting, could he please dial it back. You can’t stop him being friends with her though. It’s difficult, hopefully he will see it’s upsetting you and take it on board but ultimately if he knows he just sees her as a mate then he’s unlikely to see your POV.

I don’t understand how you’re saying “I trust him he loves me and won’t leave me” and that it’s just 1% of you that worries, but you’re letting this 1% completely take over. Either you trust him or you don’t, you clearly don’t to be honest because otherwise you wouldn’t have all those feelings that you put in the text. You may need to work on your anxiety because either you’re letting 1% completely obliterate the apparent 99% confidence you have in him... or you don’t trust him.

Op,

My husband has a female friend from work. She is 15 years our senior and a great laugh. I can see why he gets on well with her. They message every day, multiple times.

I do not feel threatened by this because he is very open with who he is messaging; he will very often make me read her messages/memes or forward them to me to also enjoy. Neither of them ever use kisses...unsure why, but they just never do. The usual ending is the laughing emoji.
He arranges to meet her for coffee and both myself and her husband get dragged along, so I have come to know them too - they actively want us to be a group of friends. My husband is very loving and affectionate about me and to me, so I never have a reason to doubt his motives. I am prioritised, so for instance if we are watching a movie together and a text comes through, he ignores until the movies over. They are friends and it’s nice that he has people who he works with, whose company he enjoys.

It is very clear to me that a man and woman can enjoy a platonic friendship and I’ve never had reason to become upset by their communication.

So you need to think what is it about their communication that you don’t like?
The 😘😘 I can understand a bit, but my female work colleague always signs off like this ‘Thank you for finishing that presentation 😘’ and that’s to me...a woman. It’s pretty meaningless.

What else is there that bothers you? I think knowing that will be more telling about their relationship.

Lots of things to work on here OP - previous posters have given great advice, but please, please, please...do not raise that you are feeling insecure because of a DREAM you had.

It is a lot of contact, and only you can know what you are comfortable with, but the dream thing makes you sound batshit, and he will discount anything you have to say - I would - if you bring up a dream.

Texting has developed so rapidly over the last 10yrs we have not yet developed an ‘etiquette’. I, and probably a lot of my generation, would consider it to be incredibly rude to sit in someone’s company and carry out a text conversation or for that matter a FaceTime or phone conversation while ignoring the person who is actually present. But the rules seem to be different for younger generations who seem to communicate entirely through IT devices.
I think rather than controlling who he text-talks to you need to set rules re answering texts instantly while you are relaxing at home. Nothing is that urgent. Perhaps ban phones from certain rooms.
We have a rule that when we are in a room together that phones and iPads are switched off or ignored. Friends know that I am not at their beck and call and will reply to texts or calls in my own time, particularly at work.

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in

Wtf

Most days my (male) colleague and I have a gossip on Teams. He loves it. I can assure you neither of us have any romantic interest in the other!

I was once the cool wife- never checked anything- despite a very similar situation - 11 years later I find out it was an obsessive crush where he sat writing stuff about it. No idea if it was mutual but it was incredibly hurtful to find. These days I’m not so cool about stuff like this . I think many people going on about ‘controlling ‘ are pretty young or probably haven’t actually found themselves in this position and with a lot at stake . Friends are fine but do you seriously think her H would be ok if the OP sat ignoring him and texting to and fro (bearing in mind she doesn’t see the contact) multiple times a day- I’ve yet to meet many men who were ok with this , unless it’s an unattractive friend of very long standing who wouldn’t be remotely partner material .

Years and years ago, when we hadn't been together long, my husband had a dream that I kissed someone else. He got in a mood about it and thought it was reasonable on the back of that to ask me not to see this someone else any more. I told him he was being a complete idiot and I wouldn't have a relationship with someone who thought their insecurities should dictate my friendships. I still think that way, many years, children, ups and downs in.

I am not going to cheat on my husband and he can believe that or not believe it as he pleases, but he cannot try to control who I do and don't interact with to assuage his own irrational fears. Thankfully he has never been so weird since and seems to realise that men and women can be friends without having sex.

Your anxiety and jealousy and controlling behaviour are going todrivehim away from you.
Get some mh help and sort yourself out. Help yourself to feel better

But... dotell himto stop texting her that much as it bothers you. Nothing more nothing less. Just that.

@whereorwhere

My husband was doing this and was cheating so frankly I would lay the law down. Trust your gut is what I say

Yeah, mine too.

Dont send the text but you do need an adult conversation about how it makes you feel. Its not nice to think your busband is talking to another woman more than you when you are present. Thats not ok at all but you need to have an honest discussion. Say how it makes you feel, stick to the facts dont go off on one calling yourself names or beating yourself up. Just factually say you have noticed he texts (womans name) a lot whilst you are predent and you feel left out and upset that he speaks to her more than you. Dont go accusing him of things or hurting yourself or giving him ammo to say heah you are crazy and paranoid. Its up to him to cut down on the daily texts thats not controlling its called acting appropriately when your spouse is upset.

OP, change your username and start another thread in relationships describing your husband's behaviour but without all that stuff you wrote in the text. You might get a more helpful response there.
Because of your text which did sound paranoid and overwrought, especially that stuff about the dream, the majority of posters have decided that you are paranoid, controlling and all the rest.
Personally, I think his behaviour is out of order and there are plenty of people on here who would not be happy with this either despite what they are saying about it being acceptable and you having MH problems.

honestly, you need help op.

this is not his problem to fix.

OP doesn't "need help" - that much constant messaging is excessive, and the kissy-face emojis were out of order.

He needs to dial it back and pay attention to the person in front of him who he is supposed to be making a life with.

But if it's new behaviour and he doesn't normally have female friends then surely that's a worry? It all depends if this is how he normally behaves or if it's new and he is being funny with his phone. If it's a worry for the OP then she's allowed to feel how she feels.
I agree with the other poster who said to start a new thread without your text bit as that has swayed the thread and is far too intense. Mumsnet advice would then be different and say oh no careful he's having an emotional affair! Kisses on texts etc

@Aerial2020

But if it's new behaviour and he doesn't normally have female friends then surely that's a worry? It all depends if this is how he normally behaves or if it's new and he is being funny with his phone. If it's a worry for the OP then she's allowed to feel how she feels. I agree with the other poster who said to start a new thread without your text bit as that has swayed the thread and is far too intense. Mumsnet advice would then be different and say oh no careful he's having an emotional affair! Kisses on texts etc

I think this is it for me too - it's a new friend and uncharacteristic behaviour. My old boss' ex-partner was like this with her new work colleague and 3 years on she's just had colleague's baby...

Op, you sound like you’re having a miserable time when it should be one of your happiest.
I agree with you, if my DH was texting another woman that amount each day I would not be happy (and I would kick his arse, though I don’t recommend you do that).