AIBU to send this text to my husband about texting his female friend?

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

He is sleeping and I’ve been awake ages so I’ve just written down all my feelings.

I’ve met this girl afew times, she seems nice. She is married with 2 kids. We have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those with first child on the way in January. I just am feeling paranoid and awful about them texting but I just don’t know how to bring it up with me because he gets annoyed that I’d even suggest anything was going on.

Whenever I ask who he is texting he always will tell me if it is her with no delay and I’ll ask what they’re chatting about and he’ll openly tell me.

He knows my paranoia stems from my dad being a cheating, deceptive knob. I just can’t help the way I feel and feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t talk to him about it.

If I send him this text for him to wake up to will I look like a crazy psycho wife or shall I just refer to it later when I’m (hopefully) going to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. Do I even need to talk to him about it or shall I just believe the person who I love and married that he just had a friendship with someone who happens to be female and glued to her phone all day?!

How can I get past being paranoid?

Text us as follows (Apologies in advance is there’s typos!):

The whole texting think just makes me jealous and paranoid. I was telling you only the other week that I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment - mainly due to pregnancy hormones, my dream didn't help (I had a dream they had had an affair the night before). I know the quiz wasn't the right time to bring it up (was on mute from our weekly family Skype quiz at the time), but I think I just needed some reassurance. Not to be shot down as that made me feel even worse. I was on the verge of tears all evening and when we were in bed, I think you knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn't want to talk about it. It's on my mind allot.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me.. your own wife vs someone you'd probably been talking to all day.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you really and I mean really be 100% comfortable with me constantly texting another bloke? Would there not be a tiny piece of you that would be somewhat jealous and think that texting anymore than like 10 a day is inappropriate? I know that there is nothing untoward but it just makes me uncomfortable which you know.

Its made me uncomfortable even before Christmas (particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate) (this was a message she sent to him that I saw and it accompanied her saying merry Xmas or something and he said she prob sent it to everyone) time so it's like 8 months I've been feeling like this.

Every time I ask who you are texting and you say LADY’S NAME my heart drops, I try and act like I'm ok but I get sad. What are you getting out of your relationship with LADY that you're not getting from me? That doesn't mean to say you should lie to me about it.

I suppose if I had more understanding of your friendship it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have barely slept because I keep waking up and thinking about it. And I've been awake since 6:15. It's quite frankly consumed me and the temptation to wake you up now is too much!! Now 7:02 and I am on the verge of tears again.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.

Just help me not feel this way, help me understand. Please. This is really starting to effect me.

If you’re still reading I really appreciate it, thanks for getting this far. I know I probably sound like loonatic. Does this message have any substance to it and I would I be within my right to sent it or would I just embarrass myself?

If he was such a good man he wouldn’t be making his pregnant wife upset & anxious by constantly texting a female colleague. He should be prioritising you & your relationship.

You are married and should have ways of communicating better than texting. I think possibly this says a lot about his time spent on the phone?

I'd say trust your gut. He needs to be investing this time into you and your relationship not her. Go out for some nice walks together without his phone and chat. Remember your feelings count here and putting yourself down gives him carte blanche to say that is why he is contacting her - even if it is not the case. Don't give him these ideas!

Hopefully time together and good communication will resolve this.

I think a lot of your points in the letter are reasonable. It is reasonable to feel threatened by the amount of texting because it could easily cross into an emotional affair. It is reasonable to wonder what he isn't getting from you that he gets from her. Those things are about protecting your relationship and you should definitely discuss them with him.

The bits that are less reasonable are the bits where you basically blame yourself if he has an affair. No. He is your husband, he committed to you and your marriage. If he isn't behaving like that, it's on him, not you.

Counselling is a good idea but ime he won't want to go

OP I think you should post this, or move this thread, to Relationships.

You’re in emotional trouble, no matter who is right or wrong here, and you need more support than you’re getting from your husband. If he really is sitting texting another person all night when he’s with you, and this is a person he is also with all day, their sex is almost irrelevant. He is not listening to you, or you are not hearing him when he reassures you.

Opps, sorry, I meant to delete that first line. From some of the responses I actually thought you’d posted this in AIBU.

Texting a work colleague is all it is OP, work on your i own insecurity's first because eventually all your accusations will drive him away.

Don't send the text. I agree with the PPs on that.
However, I'm quite surprised that so many people seem to think that amount of texting is ok.
Personally, I don't think it is. It is completely over the top. Of course people should be free to have their own friends and to message them etc. but it seems like this has tipped over into being too much and especially as he doesn't seem to be concentrating enough on you, his pregnant wife.
At first I thought it was a long-established friendship with someone he's known for years and then it seems that it is something that has developed over the last 8 months or so. I would be wary of that to be honest.
You can't stop him texting her but you can have a serious conversation with him about it. Start by communicating with him - don't be manipulative by going on about crying and not being able to sleep. I think that's why you've had quite a lot of fairly harsh answers on here - it's the way you phrased your text, which sounds very self-pitying.
On another day on MN and with a slightly differently phrased OP you'd have ended up with a load of LTB, it's an emotional affair kind of stuff.
The only way you can deal with this is with open, clear communication.

Or just do nothing?

Yes, this one. He isn't doing anything wrong, despite what some other paranoid and controlling people here are telling you. You need to work on your own feelings, not stop him having female friends.

How is it “controlling” for OP to not want her husband talking to another woman all day every day?! I’m not sure I know anyone who’s be 100% comfortable with that?! Also the fact is that he knows it bothers OP yet he still continues to do it?! 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP I’d be bothered too- and I don’t think it’s controlling!! You’re not saying you don’t want him to have female friends- it’s this one particular friendship that has your guard up. It would drive me crazy too xx

How many of his other friends does he text 10 times a day?

He may not realise it, but he is entering emotional affair territory.

I have work friends. We sometimes text - maybe once in a blue moon we might text 10 times in an evening. But if someone else was with me, I wouldn't do it, and that is because what gets lost in this world where everything is done online, is that it is rude to disregard the person you are physically with, in order to talk to someone else remmotely.

It's like him inviting a friend into your house every single day, and talking to them and not you. I don't think anyone would be ok with that, be the friend a man or a woman.

The only way this would be ok is if it goes like, 'oh, workfriend has just texted, she says blah blah blah, I'm replying blah blah blah.' That then opens to conversation to include the other person. That is like inviting a friend over and having a chat that includes all three people. Still not sure I'd be happy if it happened every evening, but at least it isn't so exclusionary.

I think it is worrying that you have to screw up your courage to speak to him, and that you feel like texting is a better option. It feels like there is a power imbalance in this relationship.

If this were my husband, I'd be saying the things I've covered above, and I would be saying that if he didn't buck up his ideas and start prioritising me, then I would be re-evaluating the relationship - because I would be. That isn't controlling, that is a fact - as his wife, I expect to be a greater priority than any of his friends, because they are not the ones bringing his children into the world, being his emotional rock, and lying in his bed when he farts

Personally I don't think I'd necessarily like some of the things you describe, e.g. the texting her all evening when he's sat on the sofa with you, but I wouldn't make a big issue of the whole situation and how it makes you feel because that just implies you don't trust him, when a lot of this is purely down to your own insecurities.

Get a diary or invest in some counselling for yourself to record your more detailed thoughts, but absolutely pull him up (at the time) when he does something that's outright disrespectful. So in the situation above "do you mind not sitting txting your friend all night when we're spending the evening together, it makes me feel like you're more interested in talking to her than spending time with me".

You need to get yourself some counselling - this all stems from your insecurities about yourself.You are living in fear of him being unfaithful to you.
If you successfully get him to stop his friendship you will simply project your fear onto something else.
I personally feel texting anyone that much every day is overkill, but you can't control that. What you can control, once you've learned how to, is your reaction.
To be honest I wouldn't have a clue who my DH messages - and I'm not bothered - he has quite a lot of female friends as well as male, but I trust him 100% and so it never even crosses my mind.
Get yourself some counselling - it really will make a huge difference to you

Am i reading the wrong thread?! People saying this is down to OPs insecurities?! How many if you would actually be ok for your DH/DP to constantly text another woman all day?!

I do not think you are being unreasonable or controlling by feeling uncomfortable and upset by your husband continually texting another woman and I'm presuming on an evening after work. I'd be upset too. My husband has some lovely female friends but if he sat texting the same one every evening or most evenings and I would be beyond annoyed.

Tell him how you feel in a calm way and stop putting yourself down you've done nothing wrong. Why don't you suggest putting your phones to the side after 7 so you're focused on each other ?

I'm quite surprised that so many people seem to think that amount of texting is ok.
If OP had phrased her opening post differently, only describing her husband's behaviour, more people would be saying that this is how affairs start. Not that the dh necessarily is starting an affair. But her blaming him for her dreams, etc. makes her sound like the unreasonable one.

I agree with the pp who suggest counselling, but not because I think you are controlling or have issues (gaslighting much, MN?) but to give you some strategies for setting boundaries in your relationship. It sounds like there is a boundary you want to set (no excessive/ongoing texting with female friends) and you don't know how to do it. You're upset and stressed out and your partner is clearly not listening. Maybe he will be able to respond to a clear boundary-setting conversation and maybe not. I think there's always a risk that when you are clear about what you will and won't stand for, you could 'lose' the other person who may prefer it when they can walk all over you. On the other hand, a decent partner will be willing to understand and respect your reasonable boundaries. But I think you need to be very clear about what your boundaries are. It could be something you work on together in counselling, or something you work on yourself, but either way, you need and deserve to feel secure in your relationship, listened to and supported by your partner.

I wouldn't send a text. I would find a time when you feel calm and okay to talk about it. Sleep really helps to put things in perspective and allows you feel calm, so maybe focus on getting some sleep.

People saying this is down to OPs insecurities?!
Her reaction is down to her insecurities.

10 times a day is not all day every day, and if you can't see from the OP's posts that she's very likely seeing this out of proportion then I don't know what to say.

I would say at very minimum 10 times a day.
They’re are both on Summer holidays atm and I’m not there during the day, so may well be all day.
But it’s seems to be most of the evening until about 9pm maybe.

Sounds like an emotional affair to me and the only thing stopping them getting together is that they both have partners and children .
Their in to each other, men generally don’t invest so much time in chatting to females unless it’s leading to something and even if he has no intention of doing anything he’s certainly enjoying the flirting with her , that’s what he’s doing and doing it in front of you means he doesn’t have to feel guilty , he’s justified it in his mind.
Have you seen the messages , are they completely innocent or do some get deleted .
Whatever is happening your upset and absolutely do have the right to tell him to knock it on the head.
Play clever , No woe is me shit, it’s about being sidelined by a work colleague and your not having it.
Show your worth, what he will lose.

Maybe suggest that you all get together - you, him, her, the partner and children. Have a barbecue or something. See how he reacts.
If the BBQ does happen, you could bring up the topic of their texts - jokingly, "I call her his work wife, ha ha ha". Let this woman see you as a real, pregnant person who is well aware of her presence; make sure her husband is alerted, too.

Im really confused by rhe ten messages aspect. Maybe when i was 15 and every text cost 10p, that meant something. Does no one else just use WhatsApp and have a chatty conversation? Sometimes if i want to find something that was said the day before, I will have a lot more than ten messages to scroll through! Ten seems quite brief to me and wouldn't remotely indicate an affair.

10 times a day meaning on 10 separate occasions - e.g. at 9 a.m., at 9.30, at 10 a.m., at 10.30 = 4 times?

I don't think you are being controlling at all!!!
Marriage is sacred and no one should come before your partner (as in forsaking all others). His relationship with this woman is inappropriate because it's making you uncomfortable. My husband would never do this and if I (or he) raised concerns to each about a friendship becoming too much we would both out of respect dial it right back.
There's a big difference between being a partnership together and someone controlling, dictating and isolating their partner.

You really need to work on your self esteem.

I would absolutely be very upset if my DP was on his phone constantly texting another woman. I would be really upset if he was sending kissy emojis and the like.

It is very disrespectful of your H.

When we first got together when we were apart we'd be constantly texting or calling each other, it didn't stop till we moved in together.

Does your H spend hours texting his male friends, does he send kissing emojis to them?

Sit down, talk to your partner, ask him how he would feel if you were always on your phone messaging a specific male friend?

Tell him he's neglecting you, discuss what you want to improve, do not put yourself down or bring hormones into it, you're pregnant with our first child together, he should be thrilled and spending time and energy on you planning for your new baby. You both should be enjoying the last few months of couple time together, he shouldn't be sat around on his phone constantly texting to another woman.