AIBU to send this text to my husband about texting his female friend?

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

He is sleeping and I’ve been awake ages so I’ve just written down all my feelings.

I’ve met this girl afew times, she seems nice. She is married with 2 kids. We have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those with first child on the way in January. I just am feeling paranoid and awful about them texting but I just don’t know how to bring it up with me because he gets annoyed that I’d even suggest anything was going on.

Whenever I ask who he is texting he always will tell me if it is her with no delay and I’ll ask what they’re chatting about and he’ll openly tell me.

He knows my paranoia stems from my dad being a cheating, deceptive knob. I just can’t help the way I feel and feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t talk to him about it.

If I send him this text for him to wake up to will I look like a crazy psycho wife or shall I just refer to it later when I’m (hopefully) going to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. Do I even need to talk to him about it or shall I just believe the person who I love and married that he just had a friendship with someone who happens to be female and glued to her phone all day?!

How can I get past being paranoid?

Text us as follows (Apologies in advance is there’s typos!):

The whole texting think just makes me jealous and paranoid. I was telling you only the other week that I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment - mainly due to pregnancy hormones, my dream didn't help (I had a dream they had had an affair the night before). I know the quiz wasn't the right time to bring it up (was on mute from our weekly family Skype quiz at the time), but I think I just needed some reassurance. Not to be shot down as that made me feel even worse. I was on the verge of tears all evening and when we were in bed, I think you knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn't want to talk about it. It's on my mind allot.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me.. your own wife vs someone you'd probably been talking to all day.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you really and I mean really be 100% comfortable with me constantly texting another bloke? Would there not be a tiny piece of you that would be somewhat jealous and think that texting anymore than like 10 a day is inappropriate? I know that there is nothing untoward but it just makes me uncomfortable which you know.

Its made me uncomfortable even before Christmas (particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate) (this was a message she sent to him that I saw and it accompanied her saying merry Xmas or something and he said she prob sent it to everyone) time so it's like 8 months I've been feeling like this.

Every time I ask who you are texting and you say LADY’S NAME my heart drops, I try and act like I'm ok but I get sad. What are you getting out of your relationship with LADY that you're not getting from me? That doesn't mean to say you should lie to me about it.

I suppose if I had more understanding of your friendship it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have barely slept because I keep waking up and thinking about it. And I've been awake since 6:15. It's quite frankly consumed me and the temptation to wake you up now is too much!! Now 7:02 and I am on the verge of tears again.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.

Just help me not feel this way, help me understand. Please. This is really starting to effect me.

If you’re still reading I really appreciate it, thanks for getting this far. I know I probably sound like loonatic. Does this message have any substance to it and I would I be within my right to sent it or would I just embarrass myself?

I would not be OK with this, if it wasn't a mutual friend and done in the way it sounds ie head down in phone, texting away of an evening.
OP do you know what they are talking about? Has he ever shown you any of the messages?

Is he liking the attention from this woman?
Most men would I'm sure.
Of course it's ok to text each other, I don't think that's in question, I think it's the fact they are doing it all the time and the content.
The text you wrote OP is great for yourself to have got it all written down. That's good. Don't send it to him but maybe use writing as a way of getting this out of your head so you can sleep.

Havea chat with him. Tell him in a much more simplified way that the texting is upsetting you. Don't go into the detail of your text but certainly tell him you feel it is too much. You can't tell him what to do but you can talk to him, your marriage is worth that.

Goodness... men are allowed to have female friends and not have it be an EA. I have 3 men who I consider close friends, 1 of which is my ex-fiance and we chat on WhatsApp all the time (even more at the moment given the current pandemic) and it is 100% platonic. My boyfriend knows them all and likes them and is also in a group chat with them all.

OP if this friend was a man, would you have the same concerns? I assume not. So it's the fact she's a woman which is really unfair. It is possible for men to have female friends and there to be absolute nothing untoward going on. Let them be and try not to redirect your self esteem issues on their friendship. Clearly you're feeling a bit insecure about yourself right now, but you're not helping by making it all about your husband talking to his friend.

Like others have said, I would talk to your husband about how you feel but maybe have a think about what is REALLY bothering you about this because I think if you allude to wanting your husband to stop talking to his friend, it won't end well.

I've been in a similar situation, and tbh it really got on my nerves, constant jumping to the text, and on out evening's together (we don't live together) so tbh i did put my foot down about it.

My thing was I'm not saying you can't talk to them, but i ask you to respect that if we're out together for a day just us two (we both have children) or it's in the evening could you put it on hold. And tbh he understood, and has done.

Maybe try and meet a middle ground, that you're not trying to stop the friendship, but also have a bit of respect

@SkylinesTurnstiles

I would say at very minimum 10 times a day. They’re are both on Summer holidays atm and I’m not there during the day, so may well be all day. But it’s seems to be most of the evening until about 9pm maybe.

She's taking up far too much space in his head. It's like there are 3 people in this marriage!

Too long, too emotional, too much for him to pick through.

Sit and say to him "DH I'm all for us having friends of the opposite sex. However the amount of contact between you is too much. It's concerning me that you speak to her way more than you do me. I'm trying to be ok about your friendship but I'm pretty sure you are walking into an emotional affair. Whether you see that yet or not. Consider how you would feel if this was me and "male friend" "

Then just walk away. Leave him to think on it.

I would sit down with him at a good time. Write down all your fears, and especially that you are worried your state of mind is not good for your baby, and that is worrying you too. You are disappointed in him that he doesn't understand your anxieties at a time many women's self esteem is low.

Discuss these fears with him. If he is a decent man he will see it's having a negative effect on you. If he cares about you he will reduce these texts to work matters and not so frequent. I don't think this is controlling behaviour at all. It's inevitable pregnancy has a huge effect of a woman's psyche, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

If he isn't understanding I would seriously rethink my relationship with him. Even if it is just looking to family and friends for the support he isn't giving you.

Problem is if you lay it on about how much your heart sinks when you ask and he says he’s texting her.... he may just not tell you anymore.

@GilbertMarkham

Don't send him that text.

Let me just get this straight; he texts his work.colleague every day, up to ten times a day? I'd that right?

If do, that's too.mich in my book, and probably would be in most people's.

He needs to dial.that back.

I think that what I'd be saying. I'm uncomfortable about how much contact you have with your work colleague, it's unnecessary. If you can't dual it ba k to an appropriate level, I'll think you two have an unhealthy/inappropriate attachment and I'll be forced to.think.very carefully about the future if this relationship, child or not.

You sound like you're reading your hair out and begging, whereas you need to be authoritative, factual and he needs to see he could lose you.

Totally this

Tell him you are feeling hormonal and need extra emotional support right now and he is not stepping up and giving you what you need. Texting a colleague 10 times a day is disrespectful to you. Tell him he sees her at work everyday and anything he has to say he can do then. When he is at home you need his support and attention.

@SkylinesTurnstiles Have you read the texts? What are they talking about?

I don't think you're being unreasonable and I wouldn't like this either.
It's one thing to text work colleagues occasionally but not when he's paying more attention to them on his phone than his own wife in the evening!
Just talk to him and tell him exactly how it's making you feel. If there's nothing in it then hopefully he'll understand where you're coming from.

@ravenmum

Maybe suggest that you all get together - you, him, her, the partner and children. Have a barbecue or something. See how he reacts. If the BBQ does happen, you could bring up the topic of their texts - jokingly, "I call her his work wife, ha ha ha". Let this woman see you as a real, pregnant person who is well aware of her presence; make sure her husband is alerted, too.

This is an excellent idea. Even if just for the fact that - if she's such a good friend, why wouldn't it make sense for your families to meet up every so often. I would find it odd if either me or DP had a friend they regularly texted 10x a day but who the other hadn't met.

OP has spoken to him; he knows how she feels.
But if she's said it in anything like the manner in this letter, that is probably not helping.

Much better to talk face to face. “I don’t like you texting [name] so much”. You don’t need to explain it or negotiate here, he is your husband, you can just say it. It’s natural to not want your husband to text another woman 10x a day so don’t be ashamed.

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in.
I do find it odd he and her would rather text each other than chat to respective partners. It definitely shows a good connection between the two. Whether it's romantic or friendship is anyone guess. But both must be finding something lacking in relationships to reach out to each other a lot.

I think it’s the context here that matters most and things that stand out / need considering:

• Does your DH usually message his other (male) friends this often?
• Is it normal ‘behaviour’ for him to be texting all evening / every evening when your together..?
• The fact he’s never had other female friends before stands out..
• Generalising here obviously, but in the main men/women do tend to fall into two groups they grow up to have either same sex friends OR they have both sex friends and this is usually determined from quite young, say late teens/early twenties. I personally have a couple of long term male friends but many more female friends, but I do have both and this has always been the case since my teens.

IMHO a man who has never had close female friendships before, to suddenly develop such a close female friendship AND be texting this often / much would ring alarm bells of potential EA.

@SkylinesTurnstiles - I think you have a mixed up situation to deal with here.

1. Your own MH and self esteem needs some serious work. You can’t bring that onto people in a relationship and manipulate them into behaving in ways to mitigate your issues. That’s on you and you should get on top of it ASAP as when a baby comes along you won’t have time and you’ll have a whole new lot of emotions to process.
2. You might be right to have these gut feelings, given what I write above, I would be questioning the situation too.

Was your pregnancy planned? Could this be an emotional escape for your DH?

Don’t allow him to gas-light you, you’re allowed to have fears and anxieties (although you can’t use them to control), your feels ing are still valid and he should still care enough to listen and support you and your relationship.

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in.

So, as a man I’m only allowed to text people I’m ‘interested’ in? So men aren’t allowed friends, and they’re not allowed to text their friends

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in

Gosh, you really do think men are a different species, dont you?

I can assure you that they do. Two of my close male friends currently live in different countries to where I live, and texting is our primary mode of communication. These are people I've known for 20 years in one case and eight in the other, both are happily married with children as am I and there has never been the remotest sexual spark.

I suppose he has never really had a close female friend before

This jumped out at me - how long has this been going on? If it's a recent thing then to me that's very different to a longstanding friendship. With the latter, I feel all the controlling comments apply. But if this is within the past year and it's this intense, it does feel more like an EA to me, esp with pregnancy in the mix, and he should be more sensitive to your feelings about it. It's not like he doesn't have plenty of mates or a great social life by the sounds of it, so the intensity with this particular woman is bound to make OP sus. Just think of how different all the responses are on threads where women suspect affairs. There's often a unanimous 'of course they're not just mates, there's definitely something going on' etc. Not that there's necessarily anything going on here, probably not as it stands, but I don't think OP is being OTT to feel uneasy about this one.

My best friend is a man and I was his best man at his wedding. We would never text all day long. I like a laugh like the rest of them but I'd think it was rather odd behaviour for a married man. Like teenagers texting someone they're interested in. It doesn't sound like its got anything to do with work. I raised this once with my (now) XH and later on he admitted that she was interested in him - he was just enjoying the attention a bit too much.

STOP 🛑 putting yourself down.
Your pregnant not fat , rightly hormonal (pregnancy hormones can be awful).
He has no reason to text her day and night end of
He's over stepping boundaries here and it needs to stop. I can't believe all these posts calling you controlling 😂😂 your quite normal actually . This is how affairs start if it was the other way around he wouldn't like it .
Put your foot down and tell him this has to stop I'm sure her husband doesn't like it either or worse doesn't know .
Your feelings matter here x stand up for yourself it shouldn't be a big deal for him if it is then there's trouble ahead

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in

Nonsense. Some do sit and text all day. Some don't. I've got male friends in WhatsApp groups relating to our hobbies who spend most of the day chatting and sending each other videos.

If the OP's DH isn't normally a texter though and doesn't normally have female friends and there has been a sudden increase in texting to the extent she describes, then I'd be suspicious too of what's going on.
It's all about what's normal behaviour for the man in question.

Personally though I find it very rude if you're spending the evening with someone and they are busy texting someone else all the time.

Men don't sit and text on their phones. They not gossipy like us. They only tend to text a lot some they're interested in

Gosh, you better message my Male friends then they clearly didn’t get the memo.🤣

He has no reason to text her day and night end of

Do you need a 'reason' to text your close friends? Would you think it was acceptable for your husband to police the mode and amount of communication you have with your friends because of his own issues?