AIBU to send this text to my husband about texting his female friend?

[SkylinesTurnstiles]

He is sleeping and I’ve been awake ages so I’ve just written down all my feelings.

I’ve met this girl afew times, she seems nice. She is married with 2 kids. We have been together 11 years, married for 3 of those with first child on the way in January. I just am feeling paranoid and awful about them texting but I just don’t know how to bring it up with me because he gets annoyed that I’d even suggest anything was going on.

Whenever I ask who he is texting he always will tell me if it is her with no delay and I’ll ask what they’re chatting about and he’ll openly tell me.

He knows my paranoia stems from my dad being a cheating, deceptive knob. I just can’t help the way I feel and feel like I’m going to implode if I don’t talk to him about it.

If I send him this text for him to wake up to will I look like a crazy psycho wife or shall I just refer to it later when I’m (hopefully) going to pluck up the courage to talk to him about it. Do I even need to talk to him about it or shall I just believe the person who I love and married that he just had a friendship with someone who happens to be female and glued to her phone all day?!

How can I get past being paranoid?

Text us as follows (Apologies in advance is there’s typos!):

The whole texting think just makes me jealous and paranoid. I was telling you only the other week that I was feeling particularly vulnerable at the moment - mainly due to pregnancy hormones, my dream didn't help (I had a dream they had had an affair the night before). I know the quiz wasn't the right time to bring it up (was on mute from our weekly family Skype quiz at the time), but I think I just needed some reassurance. Not to be shot down as that made me feel even worse. I was on the verge of tears all evening and when we were in bed, I think you knew exactly what was wrong, you just didn't want to talk about it. It's on my mind allot.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me.. your own wife vs someone you'd probably been talking to all day.

If the shoe was on the other foot, would you really and I mean really be 100% comfortable with me constantly texting another bloke? Would there not be a tiny piece of you that would be somewhat jealous and think that texting anymore than like 10 a day is inappropriate? I know that there is nothing untoward but it just makes me uncomfortable which you know.

Its made me uncomfortable even before Christmas (particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate) (this was a message she sent to him that I saw and it accompanied her saying merry Xmas or something and he said she prob sent it to everyone) time so it's like 8 months I've been feeling like this.

Every time I ask who you are texting and you say LADY’S NAME my heart drops, I try and act like I'm ok but I get sad. What are you getting out of your relationship with LADY that you're not getting from me? That doesn't mean to say you should lie to me about it.

I suppose if I had more understanding of your friendship it wouldn't bother me so much.

I have barely slept because I keep waking up and thinking about it. And I've been awake since 6:15. It's quite frankly consumed me and the temptation to wake you up now is too much!! Now 7:02 and I am on the verge of tears again.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.

Just help me not feel this way, help me understand. Please. This is really starting to effect me.

If you’re still reading I really appreciate it, thanks for getting this far. I know I probably sound like loonatic. Does this message have any substance to it and I would I be within my right to sent it or would I just embarrass myself?

Op, if you change your message to say “ would you really be ok with me texting a friend ten times a day “ can you see the controlling issue?

I work in a Male dominated field, and have close Male friends who I socialise with and text. I cannot imagine my husband telling me I couldn’t or that he was sitting crying, bigging me up and saying I was the whole package and he was crying that I might leave fat old him. There is nothing endearing or attractive about this level of neediness.

I wouldn’t be happy with my DH spending so much time texting a female colleague either & I don’t have low self esteem. He is disrespecting you & you don’t have to put up with it.

Don't send that text - it bigs him up too much, and you're belittling yourself.

You need to speak to him and make 3 clear points at most. 1- would you really be fine if I was texting a man 10 times a day? 2 - I'm pregnant with your child and this is causing me massive stress which is bad for the baby. So 3 - will you consider some counselling so we can sort this big issue out in a friendly way.
^THIS from FaceOfASpink is good.

You are not less than him - YOU ARE HAVING HIS CHILD and he should be concentrating on your well - being, not endlessly texting this woman.

Don't send the text, but don't keep it bottled up either. Talk to him (maybe be less dramatic and miss out the putting yourself down), tell him its upsetting you and stressing you out and he should want to help, whether that's to help you understand their friendship better and the reasons behind it or to dial it back - whatever will reassure you as you should be his main priority. It would bother me as well but my husband is not a texter so I would find it really weird. He does have close female friends just like I have close male friends and that's totally normal but I wouldnt sit there texting any of them all day long, it does sound excessive.

Ok so I won’t send the text. That much is clear.

What shall I do? Because it seems like if I was to talk to him about it I would be controlling. Or shall I talk to him about it saying it makes me feel uncomfortable but but my mind at ease as to why it shouldn’t?!

Or just do nothing?

I know I can’t make him stop texting her because that is controlling.

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

Do not send. Talk to him but I’d also phone her and just say enough is enough, that it’s not appropriate to be texting your husband.

absolutely do not do this. Of course it isn't inappropriate to text the OPs husband

Remember, YOU are his wife. YOU are having his child - you should be more important to him than his colleague.

(particularly since the '😘😘' which I'm sorry WAS inappropriate)

This is not inappropriate. This is a normal thing to send on a message to a friend saying merry Christmas.

I think this is your issue, not your husband's and I don't think you should be bringing it up at all.

Why would you want him to break off contact with a friend?

By all means tell him you feel insecure and would like more affection and reassurance, but don't bring up this friend at all

I wouldnt feel comfortable with the level of texting either, I dont think its realy normal to text work colleagues that often of at all. But that's just me. I would be considering leaving the relationship.

He is being unreasonable. Most people don’t go out and plan to have affairs they develop over time. That’s why most people have boundaries and avoid behaviour that encourages intimacy (like constant messaging). I’m not saying he’s going to have an affair but he is over stepping boundaries which is already impacting on his relationship with you. I do think a councillor may help so it’s not just coming from you.

That wouldnt be acceptable for me, occasional text yes, constantly texting another woman is inappropriate. I would tell him that in no uncertain terms.

It sounds like He’s having an emotional affair with her at the very least.

If he doesn’t recognise or won’t admit it, it’s very difficult for you.

He’s being very selfish, and so is she.

In your position, I’d go to my parents house. Pack a bag when he’s out and just leave.

Then if he texts you, tell him you need a break.

Although it is best never to leave the marital home, this guy needs a wake up call.

It’s not your self esteem, he is selfish

It’s no life, when he ignores you, I can’t see it getting better.

He’s a pig

Nope. It's too long and gives him too much material to pick at.
You need to speak to him and make 3 clear points at most. 1- would you really be fine if I was texting a man 10 times a day? 2 - I'm pregnant with your child and this is causing me massive stress which is bad for the baby. So 3 - will you consider some counselling so we can sort this big issue out in a friendly way.

Please follow Face’s good advice, OP. Best of luck. He does sound insensitive, texting her so often.

DO NOT SEND THAT

You really need to sit down and have a chat with him, but not in a controlling way.

It's absolutely fine that he has a female friend, you just need to deal with your confidence. I also imagine hormones are all over the place and that if you wasn't pregnant, you wouldn't be feeling like this.

Just don't push him away with that controlling behaviour

OP I can see that this is a really painful problem (I get it, I really do), but trying to get your husband to change his behaviour is not the solution.

My advice is to go to counselling, and instead of trying to get him to change and their friendship to change, I'd focus on changing myself and our relationship.

I don't think you should send this as a text (presuming you live together and can talk about it face to face?). It would be better to discuss this properly and calmly.

Completely get why you feel anxious/jealous re this, especially while pregnant.

It's a tricky one, and from threads on MN there are very split opinions re this such as you are controlling/or you are justified.

I have been with my DH 11 years and married for 1 year this year, currently pregnant. He has no female friends but if he did I would 100% be anxious if he texted them all day every day. Don't care what anyone says.

Of course, you can't tell him not to be friends with her but you do deserve for him to understand your feelings and not minimise them!

Also, agree with what someone said earlier that if he was going to do something with her there would have been opportunities before. If he's not secretive about the texting/and doesn't meet up with her then I would just discuss with him so you can understand their relationship.

What @Bluntness100 said. Honestly, OP, if I got a text like that from my husband, I’d be suggesting he worked on his self-esteem bigtime , and making it very clear that I don’t drop close, longterm mutually-supportive friendships with people of either sex because someone is sexually jealous, self-pitying, paranoid and thinks he is a ‘fat knobhead’.

Your hysteria is yours to deal with, OP. And you really need to fix your feelings of low self-worth.

Do you honestly think spouses get to veto their husband or wife’s friends?

He is doing absolutely nothing wrong - this is 100% your problem and you need to deal with it.

I sympathise though, because i have anxiety and things like this often get in my head and niggle. When it happens i try to use various methods to stop the thoughts, and if i can't i enlist my husband. BUT i don't make it his problem. I say something like "hey, I'm feeling super irrational and anxious about XXX- could you give me a cuddle and tell me you love me so i can put a pin in the panic spiral?"

And then he does, and i feel better, and life goes on.

And this won't be everyone's cup of tea, and I don't agree with everything that he says, but I found it thought-provoking,

podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/oprah-and-eckhart-tolle-a-new-earth/id1458654443

It's Oprah Winfrey talking with Eckhart Tolle about one of his books. There's one podcast per chapter of the book. I feel like it's his take on Buddhist philosophy with a good dollop of Christianity thrown in for the American market. However, there is some good stuff in there about happiness and peace-of-mind.

Skylines it is not controlling to want your DH to stop spending so much time texting another woman. It’s not controlling to speak to him about it. You don’t have to be cool about it.

I know you're a good man but I also know you're a 'good catch', the 'full package' and I'm paranoid she wants you and she's subtly saying it and had been for months and it's going over your head and then one day you will twig and leave your fat, paranoid, knob head wife.
I'm not sure whether this is just you projecting your thoughts onto him, or if you are actually really suggesting that he already thinks he is so great, and thinks or acts like you are crap by contrast.

I know he is committed to me and wouldn’t leave me and he does love me. It’s just like 1% niggle I have of self doubt, that I’m not good enough and he find someone better.
What you're doing here is saying that if he does leave you, that would be the end of the world, and it would mean you are a horrible person.
That is not true.
He could easily leave you. People leave each other all the time. "Good" people leave one another all the time, because they have grown apart, or because they need something else from the relationship. It's perfectly possible that he would leave you, or that you would leave him at some point. That would not be the end of the world. It would be sad, and then you would both go on to live your lives and find new partners, and everything would be OK.

Building it up as he is a nice person who would never leave you except if this woman tempts him, and if he did that would mean you are horrible is making you feel anxious and is not healthy thinking.

If you are currently having problems with anxiety, your first stop should be your doctor.

Don't do it op. Honestly you lost any sympathy from me when you mentioned having a dream and being upset and then trying to have the conversation while on a Skype quiz. He can't do anything about your dream and the quiz was a time for both of you to see and speak you friends not have a conversation with each other.

Sit and have a conversation about the real issues- you feel he texts her too much, most of the rest is irrelevant- but be prepared he won't just do what you want as they are friends.

You are coming across very controlling and possessive, and as soon as you drop 'pregnancy hormones' and dreams it makes it sound silly and petty.

I felt like last night you talked to her more than you talked to me yeah fuck that Op. He sits with you in the evening texting her all night? How selfish and hurtful.

This is nothing to do with "hormones" or you being an insecure "knobhead". It's not controlling to tell him that's not on.

The insecurity.
The worry.
The paranoia.

These are YOUR issues, not his.
Work on them.