Caught between DH and my family

[33goingon64]

Will try and keep brief. Married DH 11 years ago. He's an only child with lovely, calm parents who don't do much. I have quite a big family with equally lovely people in it but we're quite a busy, chatty bunch. We get together (14 of us incl children) a couple of times a year and also meet in smaller groups of 8 or 9 once or twice per year. I know they're my family so I'm biased but they are always kind, always welcoming and always inclusive of everyone.

DH is fairly quiet like his parents and isn't great in big groups. I know this and have forgiven many times when he's hung around in the background, excused himself early or whatever. In recent years though he's had proper big sulks when we see them, especially my brother and family. He spent a whole week on holiday 2 years ago sulking when we'd got together with everyone to celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday. He also sulked and repeatedly snapped at me the weekend we scattered my Dad's ashes earlier this year, for which I can't forgive him (tho I don't show it to him).

We're on holiday this week in a location frequented by my family for nearly 30 years. DH and I alone with our DC (we both said we wanted to try this as we've never come here alone), nearly at end of first week and spending next week alone too in a different location. My brother and family arrive tonight so we cross over by 36 hours. DH has been sulking for a couple of days.

We had a chat yesterday when he revealed many things that surprised and upset me. He says he doesn't enjoy being with my family, especially finds my brothers family too frantic for him, feels he has nothing in common with him, really doesn't enjoy any of the activities we do here (camp fires was the only example he could give tho), feels like a spare part, and that he doesn't have control over anything because others make all the decisions.

Whilst I get it to an extent, and I said I totally accepted he wasn't going to enjoy seeing them as much as I do, I think the sulking and complaining as above is an over reaction. It's 2 days with others out of a 14 day holiday on our own. We see my brother maybe 3 or 4 times a year for the weekend. My brother may not be everyone's cup of tea but he's kind, thoughtful of others' feelings, asks questions, and is cheerful.

So, I can't talk to my brother or anyone else in my fsmily about it as that's clearly disloyal to DH, but my knowledge that DH is going to feel like he's just about tolerating the next couple of days is going to spoil it for me, plus every time it's suggested we get together in future I'll be worried he's not enjoying it.

In general I've always felt lucky that everyone gets on and I know there are families who hate each other and really hurt each other - this is small fry in comparison I know. But it's hard to accept it, all the same.

Any thoughts anout how to handle this now and in future? Am I being unfair to DH?

DH is fairly quiet like his parents and isn't great in big groups. I know this and have forgiven many times when he's hung around in the background, excused himself early or whatever

Seriously??? You 'forgive' him for being himself? You 'forgive' him for being the same person that YOU chose to marry?
Were you expecting him to 'change' for you???

I can't stand 'family gatherings', especially 'large' families and i completely understand how your husband feels.
Your family are so 'welcoming' that he feels feels like a spare part, and that he doesn't have control over anything because others make all the decisions

I bet your lives revolve around YOUR family and you expect him to just 'get on with it'.

Your dh is wrong to sulk, as that never helps anyone and is not what grown adults should do.
But you are also making his discomfort into something that's about you.
He's allowed not to like your brother, without being made to feel guilty because his discomfort will spoil your day.

What do you want him to do? Never mention it to you when he's feeling unhappy? Smile through his discomfort so that you don't have to feel bad about it? I don't think that's what you want, is it?

You should see you family alone on most occasions and give dh some slack
Not sure about the scattering of your dad's ashes, perhaps he felt uncomfortable with it all.

I mean he says he feels like others make all the decisions. If he ever made a suggestion it would be welcomed but he just sulks. And when I say forgive, I mean I understand it, not literally forgive. It's useful to read your feedback - I just feel torn, which is hopefully not that hard to understand. What am I meant to do? Abandon family gatherings because they make him feel uncomfortable?

What else could you do that wouldn't be so extreme?

Hmm I am going to go against past posters here. You said you only see your family four times a year? And he sulks and deliberately excludes himself? I'm sure you make an effort with his family?

I think that if he does not like your family he shouldn't come to family gatherings. You're more than entitled to see and enjoy your own family. He feels excluded? Maybe if he didn't sulk in the background and tried to join in more he would have more fun? I find the comment about lacking control a bit odd too. Why does he need to "control" the situation. Not everything is about him.

Be careful OP. If you indulge his behavior too much sooner than later you will never see your family. If I were you I would try to see them alone from now on.

I think a basic rule of marriage is that, on the whole, you should try to make an effort for your spouse’s family.

But it does sound very full-on in terms of large gatherings and periods of time spent together. The sulking isn’t acceptable, but at least he has finally told you the problem.

It clearly isn’t working for him so you need to change something.

Oh dear Monkeymonkey I think you're hauling around a lot of emotional baggage and you're projecting on this thread

I'm like your dh. I was often part of my ex's loud family gatherings or friends' nights out. He used to get cross that I wasn't enjoying myself and would think I was boring or hanging back. I thought the gatherings were pretty boring and could never really feel part of the conversations as I never felt I had much in common with them really.
I'm not sure what the answer is for you. I split up with my ex and I'm very happy now, and I think he is also happy with his partner who presumably likes all the social stuff. I don't imagine that I'd ever have been happy with him and splitting up was a huge relief (it wasn't just about the differences socially though, that we split).
If he doesn't like big loud meet ups I don't think he ever will. The answer may be that he doesn't have to be part of them, or else you meet up in smaller groups.
To be honest I would probably also roll my eyes, if on our first ever holiday alone, it was arranged that your brother and family would rock up in the middle of it. I'd probably be thinking, "can't we even spend one holiday relaxing just with the family?" I'm not saying I'm "right", it's just how I would feel.
I think you need to talk together and perhaps decide on some compromises and decide if your relationship is important enough for you both to stay together and work out where to go from here.

If your DH is introverted and struggles with small talk/no alone time to recharge etc, then those family gatherings do sound awful. My DH’s family is like yours and every time I’ve been there, there’s a procession of extended family members to see, with no time for anything else. Anything I did say regarding decisions was also ignored.

I found it excruciating. Maybe visit your family without him?

Oh, and cut the bullshit ‘I forgive him him’ for being introverted etc. Maybe be more supportive and understanding. I’m sure he forgives you for not being those things 😊

We are all imagining this through the filter of our own experiences. I do agree that the sulking is a problem, but we can only advise OP on what she might do - we can't tell her dh that passive aggressiveness is counterproductive.

Personally, I enjoyed visiting my exh's family less because I knew that he never saw things from my side. My own family can be annoying sometimes, and I'd talk openly about that, but I wasn't allowed to complain about anything his family did. By contrast, when I met my current bf's family recently, he was at pains to make sure I didn't feel overwhelmed by spending too much time with a load of strangers, and commented himself on a couple of things he found annoying. I actually had no complaints at all and felt quite at ease, perhaps because it was more relaxing knowing I didn't have to just put up with it if I wasn't comfortable.

Funnily enough, since his mum died, my exh and his sister have now actually started occasionally criticising his dad, something he wouldn't have done before. Too late for me, but I think it is a better atmosphere for the (adult) kids.

I won’t explore the possibility of abuse. Plenty of people sulk and communicate badly. Happens on about every post here on MN.

You want to resolve this. My advice is that as a couple you need to acknowledge and accept the problems you have. He shouldn’t be sulking. You have to accept he doesn’t like your brother or big family gatherings. He may not like your family at all. Continued efforts to force that relationship are pointless. Doing that in the past has probably led to him loathing the get togethers.

Many people deal with this by allowing their husband or wife to opt out of the family gatherings. Go by yourself and take the children.

That your brother is the vicinity doesn’t mean you need to get together. By the sound of it you didn’t plan for this. If not, you are imposing your brother on him. I would be irritated by this. Especially if I had managed to finally offload the extended family for a holiday for once.

How many times do you see your family over a year OP? How many times do you see your DH's family over a year? Have you ever been on holiday withe your in laws? Maybe your husband feels you dont get to see his side of the family enough.

The sulking is not good.

The truth is OP that other people’s families are tedious. You have this large busy family and my best mate has that so I’ve seen it in action. Everything is about the “family” and the dynamic is strange and it’s lonely looking in on that. Your DH didn’t have that and he’s happy about that. There aren’t many people have that big busy family that you have. There’s an expectation of people with family like yours that everybody has to get stuck in and chat and laugh and enjoy enjoy enjoy. God it’s exhausting!!! Why did you have to overlap your brother? You didn’t even think about your DH when you made that plan did you? You just ASSUME that everybody has to fit in with that family gathering plan. I think you’re narrow minded and bullish about it as people with family like yours often are. There’s other things and other people in the world apart from your relatives. Cut him some slack. Stop expecting him to attend family gatherings and stop putting him in uncomfortable situations. If you can’t attend a family gathering/funeral without him then you need therapy and maybe you should like at why you can’t do that. People are allowed to like different things you know. Stop bulldozing your DH. If he feels uncomfortable then suggest he goes across to the next holiday location early and sets up there. It’s not the law he has to see your brother. Nobody cares about your kind brother apart from you.

Op, did he know your family were joining him ? I can see why he’s upset and it’s clearly not the first time your family Hate crash your holiday.

Can he stay for an hour then go off by himself for the day? You can then relax and enjoy your time with your family and he can escape from a situation that either he isn't able to or doesn't want to cope with.

bakedoff

Exactly what she said about 'enjoy, enjoy, enjoy' being exhausting.

But equally sulking is not good. My x abusive h did this. He excelled at this. 5 years post split and I'm still tidying up relationships he messed up for me by being so rude to people.

I understand how you feel op. This would pose a real issue for me, possibly a game changer for the relationship as he's being an arse to sulk in this way. You're not asking for him to spend every waking hour with your family, it's merely a number of days. If he cannot manage that for you and your child, then really he needs to review his role in the relationship.
Imo either he gets over it and stops the strops or considers that his conduct with the sulking may irrevocably have damaged the relationship.

Your DH does not enjoy your family's company and does not enjoy the activities that take place when you are with your family. Why does he have some sort of duty to pretend otherwise?

It was striking that you list a line of behaviours that make it glaringly obvious that he does not enjoy your family gatherings and then say that you were surprised when yesterday he told you he does not enjoy them. How can you have been surprised? It makes me think that what you repeatedly dismiss as 'sulking' is the behaviour of someone who is fed up to the back teeth of spending time with people he does not like doing things he does not enjoy and his obvious discomfort being ignored. It seems that he has shown you many, many times what his feelings are and you have totally ignored them.

my knowledge that DH is going to feel like he's just about tolerating the next couple of days is going to spoil it for me
I think the next couple of days are already spoiled for him.

plus every time it's suggested we get together in future I'll be worried he's not enjoying it
He won't be enjoying it.

You need to stop hoping that your DH will suddenly decide he's another person altogether and embrace spending time with your family. He does not want to. He has made that really clear.

OP didn't suggest that she couldn't have attended a funeral without her partner, but if your partner can't stop sulking while you're scattering a loved one's ashes, that's a crap partner by any standards, surely?

The sulking is awful, but I get not liking these large family gatherings. It's better for you both if he says hello, chats a while then goes somewhere on his own, leaving you to enjoy time with your family.

My dh is exactly the same. Eye rolls every time we mention my family or a gathering. Always makes an excuse to leave early. Or just doesn’t go - I don’t force him - and if he doesn’t want to I’m not going to push it. His choice. But I do find myself, if he goes, keeping eyes on him to see if he’s reached his limit. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable. But I do feel like I’m
Walking on eggshells with him. Like I’m somehow forcing him. And he’s doing me a massive favour by agreeing to go. My family might have a bbq if the weather is nice ( Scotland so completely rare ). And he kind of sulks. When he gets home slated some
Of the family and just kind of says the reasons he hates going. ( again, I just say this is happening on this day if you want to go). It’s not like we do anything else ( even before lockdown). We don’t go anywhere or do anything. We don’t spend much time out of the house. We don’t have dates or anything. He’s too tired for anything after work and at weekends will just sit on the sofa and maybe pop to shop if needs anything. So it’s kind of the only Rome I get to go out. I don’t go anywhere else. Except shopping for food. Don’t go to cinema or out for dinner or anything like that so for me, it’s a night out. Even though due to disabilities I probably be home by 9pm or so. He doesn’t get in well with his mum, she’s very difficult. But I’ve never refused to go to something for her if she invites us over. I get in with her in small doses few and far between and when we go to hers it’s usually pleasant because we don’t see her often. I understand what you mean op. He’s being very childish to sulk like that and want all your attention on him. Presumably he also knew when you were dating that this is what your life with your family was like, so he shouldn’t really complain either!! Maybe not take him to family gatherings. Maybe try to book holidays where it’s just you guys ..... don’t know what else to say

I have a similar, if not so extreme, dynamic in my family. Me, my parents and my sister love getting together with the kids. The two husbands enjoy it less. But we're mindful to check everyone is happy with whatever plan and give them an escape if they need it. E.g. my BIL will go for long runs rather than join in scrabble. DH will also go off for 1/2 a day for some peace (ironically he's a massive extrovert but just finds 24/7 of my family a bit much).

Sulking doesn't happen because everyone is an adult and capable of expressing a preference/opinion in a constructive way.

Tell him to stay home and sulk by himself when you're visiting family.

You shouldn't have to stop seeing family and having your children spend time with your family because your Dh doesn't like it and will actively sulk. Tell him he doesn't have to go for most events.

The scattering of ashes, though. Not sure I could come back from poor behaviour from him, that he didn't even have the grace to be kind and there for you. no excuse.

Are you otherwise happy in the marriage?