Will try and keep brief. Married DH 11 years ago. He's an only child with lovely, calm parents who don't do much. I have quite a big family with equally lovely people in it but we're quite a busy, chatty bunch. We get together (14 of us incl children) a couple of times a year and also meet in smaller groups of 8 or 9 once or twice per year. I know they're my family so I'm biased but they are always kind, always welcoming and always inclusive of everyone.
DH is fairly quiet like his parents and isn't great in big groups. I know this and have forgiven many times when he's hung around in the background, excused himself early or whatever. In recent years though he's had proper big sulks when we see them, especially my brother and family. He spent a whole week on holiday 2 years ago sulking when we'd got together with everyone to celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday. He also sulked and repeatedly snapped at me the weekend we scattered my Dad's ashes earlier this year, for which I can't forgive him (tho I don't show it to him).
We're on holiday this week in a location frequented by my family for nearly 30 years. DH and I alone with our DC (we both said we wanted to try this as we've never come here alone), nearly at end of first week and spending next week alone too in a different location. My brother and family arrive tonight so we cross over by 36 hours. DH has been sulking for a couple of days.
We had a chat yesterday when he revealed many things that surprised and upset me. He says he doesn't enjoy being with my family, especially finds my brothers family too frantic for him, feels he has nothing in common with him, really doesn't enjoy any of the activities we do here (camp fires was the only example he could give tho), feels like a spare part, and that he doesn't have control over anything because others make all the decisions.
Whilst I get it to an extent, and I said I totally accepted he wasn't going to enjoy seeing them as much as I do, I think the sulking and complaining as above is an over reaction. It's 2 days with others out of a 14 day holiday on our own. We see my brother maybe 3 or 4 times a year for the weekend. My brother may not be everyone's cup of tea but he's kind, thoughtful of others' feelings, asks questions, and is cheerful.
So, I can't talk to my brother or anyone else in my fsmily about it as that's clearly disloyal to DH, but my knowledge that DH is going to feel like he's just about tolerating the next couple of days is going to spoil it for me, plus every time it's suggested we get together in future I'll be worried he's not enjoying it.
In general I've always felt lucky that everyone gets on and I know there are families who hate each other and really hurt each other - this is small fry in comparison I know. But it's hard to accept it, all the same.
Any thoughts anout how to handle this now and in future? Am I being unfair to DH?