Caught between DH and my family

[33goingon64]

Will try and keep brief. Married DH 11 years ago. He's an only child with lovely, calm parents who don't do much. I have quite a big family with equally lovely people in it but we're quite a busy, chatty bunch. We get together (14 of us incl children) a couple of times a year and also meet in smaller groups of 8 or 9 once or twice per year. I know they're my family so I'm biased but they are always kind, always welcoming and always inclusive of everyone.

DH is fairly quiet like his parents and isn't great in big groups. I know this and have forgiven many times when he's hung around in the background, excused himself early or whatever. In recent years though he's had proper big sulks when we see them, especially my brother and family. He spent a whole week on holiday 2 years ago sulking when we'd got together with everyone to celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday. He also sulked and repeatedly snapped at me the weekend we scattered my Dad's ashes earlier this year, for which I can't forgive him (tho I don't show it to him).

We're on holiday this week in a location frequented by my family for nearly 30 years. DH and I alone with our DC (we both said we wanted to try this as we've never come here alone), nearly at end of first week and spending next week alone too in a different location. My brother and family arrive tonight so we cross over by 36 hours. DH has been sulking for a couple of days.

We had a chat yesterday when he revealed many things that surprised and upset me. He says he doesn't enjoy being with my family, especially finds my brothers family too frantic for him, feels he has nothing in common with him, really doesn't enjoy any of the activities we do here (camp fires was the only example he could give tho), feels like a spare part, and that he doesn't have control over anything because others make all the decisions.

Whilst I get it to an extent, and I said I totally accepted he wasn't going to enjoy seeing them as much as I do, I think the sulking and complaining as above is an over reaction. It's 2 days with others out of a 14 day holiday on our own. We see my brother maybe 3 or 4 times a year for the weekend. My brother may not be everyone's cup of tea but he's kind, thoughtful of others' feelings, asks questions, and is cheerful.

So, I can't talk to my brother or anyone else in my fsmily about it as that's clearly disloyal to DH, but my knowledge that DH is going to feel like he's just about tolerating the next couple of days is going to spoil it for me, plus every time it's suggested we get together in future I'll be worried he's not enjoying it.

In general I've always felt lucky that everyone gets on and I know there are families who hate each other and really hurt each other - this is small fry in comparison I know. But it's hard to accept it, all the same.

Any thoughts anout how to handle this now and in future? Am I being unfair to DH?

I think the problem is that you see your family in big gatherings for relatively long periods of time. If you find someone as difficult to deal with as your DH does, no matter how nice they might be, then having to be with them for 36 or more hours is a real strain. I say this as a result of a fairly recent experience of a long weekend away with very good friends - I like the friends, I enjoyed parts of it, but the internal stresses and strains, including problems with getting away on our own, meant that we came away swearing that we'd never try that again.

You also seems to have assumed he would enjoy the current holiday because your family does. Lots of people hate campfire type activities, I don't think your DH has to justify to you what he likes or doesn't like. And are you really sure that if he suggested something that he likes your family would go along with it, even if none of them are keen? Wouldn't the majority opinion prevail?

I know that distance is an issue, but generally it seems to me that it would be better if you go on your own or with the kids if you're staying with your family - otherwise aim at short visits, maybe staying somewhere nearby if that makes it easier.

I also wonder a bit about the sulking. Is it actually sulking, or is it simply that, after 11+ years of putting up with this, he is finding it increasingly difficult to hide the feeling of dread that comes over him at the thought of a holiday doing things he doesn't enjoy and enforced lengthy socialisation and jollity with people with whom he has absolutely nothing in common?

Now you know there is an issue the ideal is to compromise. Maybe you could arrange to meet for lunch or dinner but not spend the whole two days together with family etc. Arrange a place you know so there are not so many decisions to be made.
I do t think it’s an either or situation, to an extent you DH will have to suck it up but you can make sure it’s not for such a long period that he feels overwhelmed.
Hope this works for you.

It's the sulking that's the problem.

I'm the introvert who married into a big family, most of whom are really outgoing. I used to find it hard, even though I liked them. But I didn't sulk. Though I would occasionally take myself off to find some space, or invent a need to walk down to the shops, or a job to do in the kitchen..
Nobody minded, because I was at least friendly and pleasant when I was engaged.

So while I totally understand his not being comfortable in a big group, him being unpleasant is just rude and selfish.

Is it actually sulking? Or is it just that because he’s an introvert, he’s going into himself and being quiet? There’s a difference, but to an extrovert it can look like sulking...

At the end of the day, you are both different people, and it stands to reason that you’re not necessarily going to always like to be in the other’s position e.g. him in your loud family.

i also guarantee that if a poster came on here and said that on the first family holiday they’ve ever been on their DH had arranged to meet up with the ILs, the response would be that he was very unreasonable.

Everything else aside, arranging to meet up with your brother on your first family holiday alone isn’t on.

OP tell us about your husband in general.

-Is he an introvert?
-Does he like seeing friends or does he have a hobby?

• Do you have children?
• Do you plan to have children?

-Is he prone to “sulking” (bear in mind one persons overwhelmed retreat is another persons sulk)?

• what do you and DH do to socialise and have fun just the pair of you?
• when you don’t see your family in person how often do you call each other? (Not text, call)

I’m asking because I’ve been there as the only child but being an only doesn’t equate to being unable to operate within a big family (in law) but it can be very overwhelming if confronted with a large group of in-laws.

Context is key here I think.

Ask him what he wants, tell him you're seeing your family with or without him. Yell him he needs to offer suggestions of things to do.
Is he controlling, because this sulking is ridiculous.
Ask him whether him 'loosing 2 days of his holidays' is fair when he's just lost 3 days due to him sulking.

Many people don't enjoy spending time with their in-laws.
There's really nothing unusual about it.

Both you and DH first need to understand that this is a very banal feeling. Then your DH needs to get over himself, and make an effort to be vaguely sociable. And you need to check what you could do to make him feel better about it. E.g. maybe during these gatherings, make sure you ask him (publicly, or in private, as he would prefer) how he feels about a certain group activity (like, I dunno, a stupid game of monopoly), so that he doesn't feel coerced into anything, and can opt out, maybe do something else (and maybe other people would like to join too)
You both have to work on this together, to make it work.

@SonEtLumiere

There are loads of other posters who don't feel comfortable in large crowds of other ppls families- I assume you are accusing them of being controlling too?

I'm with your dh here. I am introverted and huge social gatherings all the time are an absolute NO for me. I married someone who is just the same. In fact I dated someone like you with a very big and full on family. It d0esnt matter how nice they are, its just the full on and busyness that gets to me. I couldnt do it. Dh is the same as me.
You may think your dh is sulking, more likely he is anxious and just dying to get away.
As someone who gets your dh, your brother joining would absolutely upset me.

It would upset me more so being on holiday. It's my time to relax, not psych myself up to now put up with people. It's not enjoyable,its sstressful and horrible. I also hate the more the merrier gatherings. Seems like you both are completely different.
Remember he grew up completely different to you.

Blimey!

So many people that can't just put up with their partner's family for a day!

I get not wanting to go away on holiday with others but not just a bbq or a Sunday lunch.

Surely you put yourself out a little bit for your partner and children?

And the bad behaviour over the ashes is unforgivable and I wouldn't be hiding my feelings.

God. Speaking as a introverted person who suffers from anxiety and doesn't really enjoy big gatherings, he is very very wrong to sulk. My dad is a bit of a sulker like that and his mood really sours a whole get-together. It seems like it expends so much pointless energy too? In, what, making other people dislike him??

I personally think his behaviour is controlling. I have a lot of sympathy for the possibilities that he might be introverted, bored, annoyed, doesn't like the people, doesn't like the activities etc etc etc, but if any of those are the case he needs to pull up his big-boy pants and find a strategy with you, his wife, that makes him comfortable but which doesn't deprive you or your kids of family time YOU enjoy. Maybe that means he doesn't come to everything, or he has 'outs' like cooking or running errands, or just going upstairs for a bit. But it's not right to punish you this way.

Seriously, this is HIS problem and yet he is making YOU responsible for it. He needs to sort it out.

Is he sulking or is he just introverted?

My dp grew up on a very small family, just his mum and nan, he has a quiet life, very few friends...he finds small talk and gatherings with people he doesn't know, aren't his "type" of people tedious and uncomfortable. He doesnt sulk, but he will become quiet and withdrawn as a coping mechanism to the chaos and noise of these events.

He is what he is. I always give him the option not to attend, he does to support me, he hates it but loves me. Sounds like your dh is the same and you are turning it into more by ignoring his feelings in favour of your own.

You are being very selfish ...your whole post is about how it effects you and how you feel. Perhaps think about how he feels and how you would feel if the table was turned

Tbh it sounds like you see your family a bit too much for his liking and he's a very different person from them, he'd probably prefer you just to be on your own. A week's holiday to celebrate your dad's 80th? "just" a 36 hour overlap with you brother,, to me those things sound way over the top. Just do your own thing for a few years and enjoy each other's company rather than constantly holidaying with others. I'd hate that - luckily I've never on holiday with ILs in 25+ years!

What do you mean by sulking. If you mean he goes quiet then I do that. I hate huge groups of people, especially for a long time. I would rather see people more often for a short period, but appreciate that isn't always possible.

The snapping isn't okay but I suppose I can get a bit snappy too when I am away for a whole weekend with a big group of people. I am just unhappy and find it very stressful, but I now am thinking that maybe I need to sort that out

The fact is, he may well never enjoy these gatherings, I wouldn't. What you need to do is find a way to make them easier. So maybe he only needs to be there for a bit and can go, or he doesn't need to go to every one. I would tell him to knock off the sulking. But sometimes you have to accept that your partner won't necessarily like the same thing as you or like your family.

There are people in my own family I don't like and wouldn't be around otherwise. In laws are the same.

Is he definitely sulking? Could he just be very unhappy and struggling to hide it? I love a meal or an evening with my in laws. But I can't stand it when it becomes a two or three day event. They are not my family and bring trapped with them for a day or two is miserable. I can't even properly explain why. And I would say no to anyone else joining us on our holiday, even for a day. It would spoil the holiday for me. One of the great things about being on holiday is being able to completely relax and not have to make an effort for anyone else.

What is your DHs social life like outside of your family?

Is he part of any friendship groups and how does he behave in these? Do you participate in these groups?

If he is a shy, introvert in general then it’s not personal to you or your family and you should both compromise to make it comfortable and tolerable to him.

You believe he is comfortable in group settings but just doesn’t like your family group then that’s another ball game.

Regardless his days of sulking, being disruptive, snappy and disrespectful at your Dads 80th and the scattering of his ashes is quite disgusting behaviour.

As is said on here often “it might explain the behaviour but it doesn’t excuse it” (ie introversion).

He needs to learn to communicate his needs as an emotionally intelligent mature adult - not behave in ignorant, passive aggressive, ways.

I wonder if he is family are really as “calm” as you say - or if it’s all v superficial and they are emotionally repressed.

What do you think he has the issue with your DB? Why has he taken against him specifically?

I got very annoyed when you said you 'forgive him'. For some people this sort of intense contact is torture. It's generally even worse when your an addition to a large family group, the constant banter and talk about past events just seems overwhelming and so bloody dull.

Your asking too much of him.

Agree with Blue. A week away for the 80th? That's overkill. And the only 36hours is too much.
Can you do these things alone?

Leave your miserable shit of a husband at home to sulk, he sounds like a relative of mine, sucks the joy out of every family occasion, I no longer can tolerate him.

Wow, thank you to you all for replying. Just to clear up a few points. It's definitely not our first holiday together alone. The vast majority of holidays are alone, we tend to come to this specific place about once every 2 years for a week, in the past always at the same time as part or all of the group of 14.

In terms of frequency of seeing my family, a normal year would be a couple of weekends with all 14 of us (Plus a week holiday every couple of years - we all stay in different accommodation and don't spend every day together), plus a few other weekends with just my sister and her family or my brother and his family.

He definitely knew the plan had been to cross over with my brother for a day and a half, it hasn't been sprung on him.

My mum we see slightly more frequently. The 14 of us comprises 7 adults and 7 kids including the 4 of us by the way. Until recently his parents have visited us about 4 or 5 times a year, staying at our house for a week (mainly while DH is at work) plus the odd weekend visiting them. They recently moved very close to us so we now see them every week (I am fine with this and he knows it).

He is a fairly introverted person and his hobby is something he does in a very small group or on his own. He said he doesn't like to conform and he feels he's being made to conform when he's with them/us. Now I understand more about how he really feels I will try harder to think of his feelings. I agree with the poster who said it's a banal feeling we both just need to accept and work on together.

The sulking is definitely sulking - I'm talking about huffing, slamming things down, snapping tersely at me, avoiding eye contact etc. The weekend of the ashes scattering was so upsetting. I'd told him the night before I was struggling to talk to him about my grief and he took it as a criticism and was awful to me the whole weekend.

I don't think it's an attempt to control, I think he just likes to do his own thing and doesn't like feeling that he can't.

His introversion is a red herring.

Your biggest issue here is how he treats you.

His behaviours are emotionally abusive and are designed to intimidate, silence and control you.

Your DCs are watching, hearing, sensing, absorbing and internalising his dysfunctional behaviour. It will impact them.

It’s not acceptable. Ask him calmly - like you would a toddler to “use his words” to express himself. He is emotionally stunted.

Nothing excuses this behaviour.

Know that.

Ok I really feel for you as I am struggling a bit with my own dh a the moment. But I would say that I don't like holidays with others. It's hard work. Where I come from we call in-laws outlaws for a reason (joke)

Talk to him and tell him that you will not make your family holiday overlap with yours anymkre but the weekends away I think he needs to suck up but get time to himself on those weekends. He's just different to you (mine is to me) and it's hard to sort these things. That said holiday time is precious and I think is different. The snapping and shouting isn't on but everyone is entitled to their feelings and this has been building a while.