Caught between DH and my family

[33goingon64]

Will try and keep brief. Married DH 11 years ago. He's an only child with lovely, calm parents who don't do much. I have quite a big family with equally lovely people in it but we're quite a busy, chatty bunch. We get together (14 of us incl children) a couple of times a year and also meet in smaller groups of 8 or 9 once or twice per year. I know they're my family so I'm biased but they are always kind, always welcoming and always inclusive of everyone.

DH is fairly quiet like his parents and isn't great in big groups. I know this and have forgiven many times when he's hung around in the background, excused himself early or whatever. In recent years though he's had proper big sulks when we see them, especially my brother and family. He spent a whole week on holiday 2 years ago sulking when we'd got together with everyone to celebrate my Dad's 80th birthday. He also sulked and repeatedly snapped at me the weekend we scattered my Dad's ashes earlier this year, for which I can't forgive him (tho I don't show it to him).

We're on holiday this week in a location frequented by my family for nearly 30 years. DH and I alone with our DC (we both said we wanted to try this as we've never come here alone), nearly at end of first week and spending next week alone too in a different location. My brother and family arrive tonight so we cross over by 36 hours. DH has been sulking for a couple of days.

We had a chat yesterday when he revealed many things that surprised and upset me. He says he doesn't enjoy being with my family, especially finds my brothers family too frantic for him, feels he has nothing in common with him, really doesn't enjoy any of the activities we do here (camp fires was the only example he could give tho), feels like a spare part, and that he doesn't have control over anything because others make all the decisions.

Whilst I get it to an extent, and I said I totally accepted he wasn't going to enjoy seeing them as much as I do, I think the sulking and complaining as above is an over reaction. It's 2 days with others out of a 14 day holiday on our own. We see my brother maybe 3 or 4 times a year for the weekend. My brother may not be everyone's cup of tea but he's kind, thoughtful of others' feelings, asks questions, and is cheerful.

So, I can't talk to my brother or anyone else in my fsmily about it as that's clearly disloyal to DH, but my knowledge that DH is going to feel like he's just about tolerating the next couple of days is going to spoil it for me, plus every time it's suggested we get together in future I'll be worried he's not enjoying it.

In general I've always felt lucky that everyone gets on and I know there are families who hate each other and really hurt each other - this is small fry in comparison I know. But it's hard to accept it, all the same.

Any thoughts anout how to handle this now and in future? Am I being unfair to DH?

@Sssloou has it - I'm an introvert. But I go to my husbands Christmas party with him, I go to big family gatherings with him because I love him and he appreciates me being there. My husband hates love island, but he watches along with me (laughing) because he knows I like his company as I watch it. My husband is allergic to animal hair but we regularly go to a farm with the kids because they love it and he spends the next day sneezing like a mad man.

Point being - Relationships are give and take. Sometimes we have to be a bit uncomfortable in life. It doesn't kill us. Sulking is totally unacceptable. He's trying to make you miserable or punish you for seeing your family. If he can't cope with 2 days of being with your family then that's a real 'clash of values' issue which will affect the foundations of your marriage. I would actually go to counselling together over this.

Good luck OP

If possible I'd look into e.g. not staying in the same home/hotel as the others, so that there is a place to retreat to. He does have to suck it up to some extent, but if you do something to show that you are catering to his feelings, then he might (?) be more prepared to compromise too.

He's an introvert.

You can't turn an introvert into an extrovert who loves the hustle and bustle of big family occasions etc. You just can't.

It's nothing to do with conforming. There is no 'normal' way to be. There is nothing wrong with being an extrovert, but it isn't some sort of default that introverts need to force themselves into becoming.

He can't help it, and I suspect that the 'sulking' is the only way he can react when you are completely unable to see things from his perspective. He probably finds it incredibly stressfull and frustrating.

I think I am ok with accepting that he doesn't enjoy being with my family, the truth is out there and we can start to deal with it, maybe not having the holidays together anymore, and maybe reassuring him that it's ok to disappear with a book if he wants to (it always has been ok but he obviously hasn't felt this to be the case). But I won't tolerate the sulking and I won't let him control the atmosphere with it. It's that feeling of being torn between two things I love - but there it is, life isn't straightforward.

@kerfuffling

He's an introvert.

You can't turn an introvert into an extrovert who loves the hustle and bustle of big family occasions etc. You just can't.

It's nothing to do with conforming. There is no 'normal' way to be. There is nothing wrong with being an extrovert, but it isn't some sort of default that introverts need to force themselves into becoming.

He can't help it, and I suspect that the 'sulking' is the only way he can react when you are completely unable to see things from his perspective. He probably finds it incredibly stressfull and frustrating.

Sulking from small children is bad enough but totally unacceptable in a grown-up.

He can help it, he chooses not to.

Why don’t you go by yourself? Let him go off and do something else while you are with your family.

You want to do something, he doesn’t. You do it, he doesn’t. I don’t see what the probem is.

You see his family all the time but he can’t manage not to be a dick when you are scattering your dad’s ashes because he is an introvert?

No. . . Not ok.

My dp is a lot more sociable than me, I tend to leave early from most events we go to with his friends because they are a big group, I find it tiring and they have a lot of shared history that doesn’t include me. Fine, I usually drive, have lunch and stay for a few hours then leave him and go home. We are talking about going away with some of them next year and I imagine I will need to escape for a few hours and do my own thing if it gets too much. It’s not an excuse for being an asshole!

OP he sounds very selfish. You don't see yout family all that often. The sulking would drive me up the wall. Marriage is about compromise and it sounds like you are the one doing all of this. A friend'a DW is like this and his family is like yours. While I've often thought she could make more effort, she kind of does her own thing and everyone is fine with that. The sulking is ruining it for everyone.

He sounds like a spoilt brat who was used to his parents revolving their lives around him only and sounds pretty jealous that you even have siblings and doesn’t want to share the spot light.

It’s not up to him? He can suck it up for your sake.

Don’t give in OP. Telll him straight that it’s not about him and that if he puts no effort with ur family you won’t with his.

It’s not his choice to behave antisocial.

What does he expect from u when visiting his parents ?

I’d say in this scenario, your family is where your loyalty lies because your DH is being irrational and controlling

In terms of frequency of seeing my family, a normal year would be a couple of weekends with all 14 of us (Plus a week holiday every couple of years - we all stay in different accommodation and don't spend every day together), plus a few other weekends with just my sister and her family or my brother and his family.

That is a lot of time to spend with people with whom you really have nothing in common. I'd struggle with that much interaction with DH's family, to be honest, and I quite like most of them.

He doesn't have to like it
He doesn't have to go
He's not allowed to sulk because he's not a child.

@Pobblebonk

In terms of frequency of seeing my family, a normal year would be a couple of weekends with all 14 of us (Plus a week holiday every couple of years - we all stay in different accommodation and don't spend every day together), plus a few other weekends with just my sister and her family or my brother and his family.

That is a lot of time to spend with people with whom you really have nothing in common. I'd struggle with that much interaction with DH's family, to be honest, and I quite like most of them.

So between 4 and 11 days per year? Doesn't sound that much 🤷🏻‍♀️

He's a man baby.

I'd be far more sympathetic to the comments about him probably being an introvert who is struggling with the busy family dynamic, if it wasn't for the fact that he actively sulked and barely spoke to his wife when she was scattering her dad's ashes.

I don't care how much of an introvert you are - that's a dick move.

So 14/15 days a year with your family
35 days plus odd weekends with his family

And you're being unfair for foisting your family on him

The sulking is definitely sulking - I'm talking about huffing, slamming things down, snapping tersely at me, avoiding eye contact etc. The weekend of the ashes scattering was so upsetting. I'd told him the night before I was struggling to talk to him about my grief and he took it as a criticism and was awful to me the whole weekend.

This behaviour is unacceptable if he is extrovert, introvert or ambivert.......

And he hasn’t got a leg to stand on regarding time spent with each family anyway.

Maybe you find his family dull, boring, suffocating in a different way? Why have they moved close to you? Is he setting you both up as their carers down the line - and at the same time nudging you away from your own family.

Wait. You see his parents EVERY WEEK and he's bitching about a handful of times a year and being a sulking dick about it?

He's a prize. Not.

So between 4 and 11 days per year? Doesn't sound that much

Well, no. Two weekends a year (which are probably Friday to Sunday as a minimum) plus a week plus "a few other weekends" plus "My mum we see slightly more frequently" all adds up to well over 11 days. And, to be honest, just one day with fourteen relatives would feel pretty bloody excessive to me.

I think your husband sounds very difficult OP. He should make an effort with your family. I would hate it if my partner didn't with mine.

The sulking is fucking outrageous. Ruining the weekend when you scattered your dad’s ashes is absolutely unforgivable.

My Dh is not keen on my family. They are loud, there’s lots of them, they overwhelm him. I therefore don’t make him come with me to see them. He works shifts, so it’s tricky anyway, as I (and 2 of my significant family members) are teachers so are far more free and easy with holidays. Also, it’s easier for him to stay and look after the dogs, plus I’m not worrying about how he feels/if he’s silent in a corner. He certainly doesn’t sulk, however! I would be devastated if he did that.

Is that something you could do? Although given you see his family weekly, I’d be telling him to suck it up, frankly.

@jamaisjedors, reminds me of your original thread about your birthday weekend

@fmpc

So 14/15 days a year with your family 35 days plus odd weekends with his family

And you're being unfair for foisting your family on him

Is this about the amount of time OP that you spend with each side?

He sounds like a spoilt nasty twat.

Your father's ashe's sulking is just so nasty.

It sounds like you have been tolerating awful behaviour from him for a while and it has now tipped over into really terrible behaviour.

First off, you need to call out his sulking clearly.

He is trying control you and whilst he can't do that he can spoil any time you do have.

You need to start visiting your family WITHOUT him. Leave the children WITH HIM for some trips.

Make a clear calendar of last year, clearly marking how much time is being spent with each side.

His family coming a week at a time 4 or 5 times IS a lot, but you have been very accommodating AND he has been at work.

I think you have been far too quiet.

He does NOT have to spend endless time with your family, definitely start seeing them on your own.

Also I strongly suggest you are honest with your family, covering up will only cause you further stress.
Tell them he'd rather you visit on your own sometimes and as he was spoiling it for you, that you also think it's best.

Stand up for yourself.

I bet this shitty behaviour re your family is not in isolation.

I bet there are other examples where he is not very nice when he isn't getting his way.

He's not a great example to your children.

Thank goodness you have a lovely family to support you...he doesn't sound like he does.

I think in a marriage you do methane to do things you may want to for the other person. I think he is being unfair. I don’t relish seeing my in laws either but they dh parents so it’s got to be done and with good grace. That’s the way a marriage works give and take. He seems to get huffy when things aren’t exactly to his liking 🙄. You host his family I note...

It sounds like his sulking might be orchestrated to make you feel so uncomfortable when seeing your family that you reduce time with them to avoid the hassle, getting him what he wants without overtly coming out as the bad guy. Is he concerned your family may have negative things to say about you, and wants to isolate you from them? That was the intention of my stbxh who engaged in similar behaviour with my family/siblings (who are not a big family and we saw each other maybe 3 times a year for a weekend each time at most).
It is not small fry and it is absolutely a big deal. Your husband has already given away the concerning root of his problem - he wants to be in control, coupled with being an only child. As others have said, the sulking about scattering ashes is very hard to forgive. Also what @ConfusedDotCom123 said - he can't stand not being the special centre of the spotlight and isn't even prepared to share it with your deceased parent. That's awful.

PS - you can bet he is relying on your sense of loyalty to stop you confiding in your family about this.

I am like your DH and our situation is almost identical (except I also have a very difficult MIL who constantly critcises).At first I joined in with every try it but a week's holiday plus several weekends throughout the year ended up waaaay too much and gradually we cut it down. I was also diagnosed as autistic which went some way to explaining why I found it so hard.

And it is hard - it is exhausting being with that many members of someone else's family, even for just an evening. I've since noticed that DH's cousins don't go to all of these meet ups and their spouses even less. His family seem to think I'm weird when I don't join in which makes it harder (and they probably think I sulk too).

He needed to be more sensitive about your dad - I can understand why you're upset about that. But I think it's entirely reasonable for you to go to at least some of this stuff on your own. A weekend is a lot of time to spend with in laws, even if it's just once a year!