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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I message him?

93 replies

FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 20:46

So 3 weeks ago I met a guy OLD (not tinder). We hit it off straight away although I wasn’t too keen at first for various reasons... namely an injury meaning I couldn’t really walk! So we messaged for a couple of weeks. Everyday, some days me messaging first and other days him. All times of the day. We are both young (me in my 20’s and him in his 30’s), I asked him what he was looking for and he said ‘to get married ASAP of course’ no idea if he was joking or not, but we disgusted ghosting and I said how I find it unkind etc. Got on like a house on fire via message for weeks, he said he hadn’t spoken to a woman in this way since he was 20. We spoke about anything and everything- deep things including religion including light sexting. He told me he hasn’t dated many different girls in the past.

On Friday we had our first date- lovely casual date in a park with wine followed by dinner. It went well, he even said ‘Listening to you speak is like listening to myself’ and at the end of the date he asked when he could see me again. I said I was free on the Sunday. So on the way home he didn’t kiss me- I was slightly surprised as I’ve nearly always ended a date with a kiss. He messages saying he didn’t want to see creepy etc so had been reserved but said you are absolutely gorgeous. On Saturday I then messaged first, and we agreed on a time for Sunday. On Sunday morning he messaged first, and asked if we could meet earlier as he had a thing with friends planned for the evening and he wanted to enjoy his time with me.

Sunday date was perfect- another park meeting but we kissed for hours, talked in detail got on great. He casually asked if I had been to a certain part of London and said we should go there next time, I casually said ‘yeah....’ then continued the conversation. So maybe he think I wasn’t keen! At the end of the date he told me he was viewing houses this week to purchase and said ‘I’ll send you any i like’ then told me to message him how an issue at work goes. So I messaged on Sunday night, he said it was a great afternoon and I have gorgeous lips etc. Then sexted in quite some detail. On Monday I waited for him to message first- finally he did at 10pm!! Chat was normal and great. Then yesterday I messaged first, we chatted in the day time (he has an incredibly intense high flying job in banking where it can change in an instant!) and I told him to message me how a health appointment had gone... 8pm came and he hadn’t so I messaged first and asked him how it was, conversation was fine albeit he didn’t ask me any questions. Just lots of detail about him, we discussed what happened in Beirut etc. Then he left my last message (just a reply saying ‘yes it will be interesting’) on read. No goodnight message like he has done nightly for weeks. Now he hadn’t messaged at all today! Should I message?

I’ve always believed if a man likes you then they will message first/be arranging the next date but I’m not so sure! He is genuinely kind it seems and I’m worried he has the wrong idea about me or maybe he has just gone off me?

OP posts:
FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 20:59

I’m concerned he may just be shy/not know what to do but also I don’t want to seem too keen or chase something then he inevitably dumps/ghosts me and I’ve wasted yet more time. But do I seem a bit obsessive to message asking if he wants to see me again?

OP posts:
Glitterb · 05/08/2020 21:00

I would just leave it and see what happens, he hasn’t really done anything wrong as he could just be busy/ stressed or tired.
You shouldn’t be feeling so confused so early on though, this should be the honeymoon period!

IncandescentSilver · 05/08/2020 21:02

He's a bit OTT. I'd be suspicious he's married and doing this for the attention but I'm just suspicious of all men at the moment because I got cheated on, so maybe don't listen to me. I'd try and find out more about him if I were you before investing too much.

Ugh, I hate sexting. Turns me right off!

FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 21:07

I’ve googled him (easy to do due to his job) and social media all seem to point to single. So I don’t think married/cheating. I just don’t know! I don’t want to seem too keen/weird by accusing him he’s done something wrong and he hasn’t! But equally I wonder if he is that keen. He does have a stressful week I guess with his job, he’s moving this weekend and also viewing homes to buy. It’s just hard! I feel like I don’t know where I stand but I have an extensive history of being ghosted/cheated on so naturally I always feel men will abandon me. My instinct is often ruled by my anxiety

OP posts:
Dogssox · 05/08/2020 21:12

I was thinking there is another woman somewhere in his life, whether online or in person I don't know.

SamanSaman89 · 05/08/2020 21:13

@FineWithWine Hope all works out for you, is it two dates you guys have been on?

Also does this guy's name have 5 letters in it, based in sw London? It all sounds quite similar to a recent experience I had, down to the exact same job too! There are a few of them about perhaps!!!

FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 21:13

I suppose another woman could have come on the scene since Sunday. It’s not impossible as we both have the app still.....

OP posts:
FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 21:15

@SamanSaman89 Yes we’ve been on two dates! Erm his full name is 7 letters but uses a 5 letter nickname which is close to his own name! Works in the City (currently lives east London) but moving to SW London

OP posts:
Michaelbaubles · 05/08/2020 21:15

I suspect he got what he wanted with the sexting. He doesn’t exactly sound shy, so I doubt it’s that.

FineWithWine · 05/08/2020 21:18

The thing is, it was me more leading the sexting Blush, he was actually more reserved! But I suppose you’re probably right and I could well be making excuses. It’s a shame, I really felt a connection/click with him and felt it could be going somewhere. Maybe it is too good to be true

OP posts:
Lorddenning1 · 05/08/2020 22:12

I think you need to chill out a bit OP and you have had 2 dates, I think your coming across as a bit full on too soon, take a breather and try and not over analyse things too much.

ChristmasFluff · 05/08/2020 23:59

2 dates? 3 weeks? WAAAAY too invested. Block and delete for your own esteem.

DoWahDiddy · 06/08/2020 00:34

Methinks this fella is 2nd in line to a throne in Lagos. Multi-million dollar inheritance to boot! C'mon, luv, grab your coat...

Notcoolmum · 06/08/2020 08:18

There is no suggestion he is shy. He is probably multi dating and putting his efforts elsewhere. Keep on looking.

FineWithWine · 06/08/2020 08:21

I messaged him this morning. Just a breezy ‘hey, how are you? When are you next free to meet?’. He replied saying it’s been a tough week at work, asking how I was and said ‘probably this weekend’. I said I’m fine, at work etc and then said ‘when you will know for the weekend? Just so I know for plans with friends’. He replied ‘Please make plans with friends! I’ll let you know, it's just That I’m moving this weekend’. I said that fine but if he doesn’t want to see me then not to feel he has to! He replied ‘haha of course not! Will let you know’. Then briefly chatted about additional properties he’s viewing. Final message was me saying it’s exciting (viewing homes) and he said ‘yes will see’.

Do we think keen and genuinely busy (he is moving, I knew that weeks ago) or making excuses and leading me on?

OP posts:
FineWithWine · 06/08/2020 08:25

@Notcoolmum the only reason I thought shy was on Friday when he said he had wanted to kiss but didn’t want to seem like a creep! But you’re most likely right, he probably is giving his attention elsewhere. I have always believed that if there’s a change of behaviour then it’s probably because they’ve found entertainment elsewhere

OP posts:
SuzieCarmichael · 06/08/2020 08:25

He’s moving house! That’s going to be a pretty busy weekend in anybody’s books. Just make plans with your friends and see whether he gets back to you next week once his move is sorted. You’re coming on too strong I think.

countbackfromten · 06/08/2020 08:26

Take a deep breath and relax. He sounds like he has a lot on his plate and his really busy. Make your own plans and see what happens!

countbackfromten · 06/08/2020 08:27

@SuzieCarmichael I agree about OP coming on too strong. It is early days, never a good idea to get so invested so early on.

gower4 · 06/08/2020 08:28

You are coming on way too strong OP. I get the sense you've scared him off, in which case he's not the one for you. I'd move on. Sorry to be so blunt, but life's too short.

Notcoolmum · 06/08/2020 08:28

You've had two dates. You are messaging him first every day. You need to invest less. Back off a bit (a lot). You've said he has a busy job and is moving house ( bit confused where this sits with viewing houses to buy). Keep yourself busy with friends and chatting to other people on the apps. If he's interested in you there will be no doubt.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/08/2020 08:35

I don't agree that's you're coming on too strong, as I'd like to know if someone wanted to see me again but in your position I think i'd keep swiping and making plans so you're not sitting waiting around for him and that he knows that.

nolovelost · 06/08/2020 08:37

If he's moving house this weekend, why is he going to want to meet? When he said he was moving, I would have left it at that. It's all a bit much considering you've had a few dates!

YellowandGreenToBeSeen · 06/08/2020 08:39

Woah OP. Slow down. You’re way too invested for 2 dates. I know it’s hard but in my experience, if a man is interested, he absolutely will make space for you and (unfortunately) even more so if a woman is less ‘available’. Moving is possibly the most valid reason for being busy but a man who was very into you would be firming up the next date - even if it were a week away.

Don’t message him again and see what happens. If he makes contact, great. If he doesn’t, you’ve not really lost anything after 2 dates.

Make plans with friends, fill your time. Don’t put everything into this man.

LizzieBlackwell · 06/08/2020 08:47

It was the sexting. You gave him sexual gratification way too early after he was love bombing you ( which is a sign they pull back very quickly too)

If he doesn’t make a massive U turn today I’d cut your losses for your own self esteem.