Should I message him?

[FineWithWine]

So 3 weeks ago I met a guy OLD (not tinder). We hit it off straight away although I wasn’t too keen at first for various reasons... namely an injury meaning I couldn’t really walk! So we messaged for a couple of weeks. Everyday, some days me messaging first and other days him. All times of the day. We are both young (me in my 20’s and him in his 30’s), I asked him what he was looking for and he said ‘to get married ASAP of course’ no idea if he was joking or not, but we disgusted ghosting and I said how I find it unkind etc. Got on like a house on fire via message for weeks, he said he hadn’t spoken to a woman in this way since he was 20. We spoke about anything and everything- deep things including religion including light sexting. He told me he hasn’t dated many different girls in the past.

On Friday we had our first date- lovely casual date in a park with wine followed by dinner. It went well, he even said ‘Listening to you speak is like listening to myself’ and at the end of the date he asked when he could see me again. I said I was free on the Sunday. So on the way home he didn’t kiss me- I was slightly surprised as I’ve nearly always ended a date with a kiss. He messages saying he didn’t want to see creepy etc so had been reserved but said you are absolutely gorgeous. On Saturday I then messaged first, and we agreed on a time for Sunday. On Sunday morning he messaged first, and asked if we could meet earlier as he had a thing with friends planned for the evening and he wanted to enjoy his time with me.

Sunday date was perfect- another park meeting but we kissed for hours, talked in detail got on great. He casually asked if I had been to a certain part of London and said we should go there next time, I casually said ‘yeah....’ then continued the conversation. So maybe he think I wasn’t keen! At the end of the date he told me he was viewing houses this week to purchase and said ‘I’ll send you any i like’ then told me to message him how an issue at work goes. So I messaged on Sunday night, he said it was a great afternoon and I have gorgeous lips etc. Then sexted in quite some detail. On Monday I waited for him to message first- finally he did at 10pm!! Chat was normal and great. Then yesterday I messaged first, we chatted in the day time (he has an incredibly intense high flying job in banking where it can change in an instant!) and I told him to message me how a health appointment had gone... 8pm came and he hadn’t so I messaged first and asked him how it was, conversation was fine albeit he didn’t ask me any questions. Just lots of detail about him, we discussed what happened in Beirut etc. Then he left my last message (just a reply saying ‘yes it will be interesting’) on read. No goodnight message like he has done nightly for weeks. Now he hadn’t messaged at all today! Should I message?

I’ve always believed if a man likes you then they will message first/be arranging the next date but I’m not so sure! He is genuinely kind it seems and I’m worried he has the wrong idea about me or maybe he has just gone off me?

OP just chill out. Hes busy, you've asked for more interaction hes acknowledged that and hes upped the contact. OP I can tell by your posts you are analysing every single thing he says and does. Would you not consider staying single a bit longer until you feel less anxious about stuff. How long have you been single?

Agree with @ALittleBitConfused1....the over analysing must be so exhausting for you to work with. Falling in love does not work like a spreadsheet does with ultimate timings to ultimate goals. Please step back....he may already be feeling the heat from your interactions. Maybe you do need to step away and work on your abandonment anxieties as they may eventually scupper any chance of a meaningful and healthy relationship. Life should be fun and free at 25. Not anxiously waiting on your phone to beep to see if or when he texts. Just breathe.

I’ve actually always been single! I’ve never been in an official relationship- mainly I think due to a history of ONS which is why I am almost proud to have been on 3 dates and not DTD with this man. The man who ghosted me after knowing me for a year was a 3 month fling (that was 2 years ago). Since then nothing more than 2 dates with a guy where I would sleep with them and then they ghost.
I guess I’m not used to a slower pace and going on dates but not sleeping together. I am a lot better than I was in the past but unfortunately I have to be reminded to breathe and not analyse every single word/wait for them to ghost me! Overall I think this guy does like me? I’m just not certain what he wants really

I hate these threads, because the answer to 'should I message him?' is almost always no !

I'm not sure why it is that people try to second guess what might or might not be going on in someone else's life /head.

I believe if your instincts are telling you 'something is wrong' then you need to listen to your instincts.

If you're not sure someone is avoiding you, either ask them straight out, or reconsider whether they are someone who actually adds something to your life apart from drama/ upset.

After 2 dates, I'd not even be thinking about whether he 'should' have texted me by now FFS ! ( I'd still be trying to remember his bloody name )

OP!! He sounds like a nice guy but you're in danger of scaring him off. No more over analysing of messaging, no more calling him out on being flaky, no more deep and meaningfuls. Just see what happens and enjoy it for what it is - do you hear me?!

It's ok to ask him what he wants not in a do you want a relationship with me kind of way, hes not going to know that yet obviously. But in my experience there has been times when I've dated and thats all I ever wanted, I wasnt ready for anything more than dating so I made that clear at that the start. Alternatively there have been times when I've only ever wanted casual sex, I've made that clear too. Recently I've started dating again and now I think I'd like to eventually find a relationship, I'm transparent that while I want to take my time, ultimately that is where I'd like to end up. Some have said there looking for casual,in which case I wish them well,some have agreed they want the same. Then I begin to explore the ok let's see if we get on scenario.
I'm a firm believer in you have to start on the same page and that transparency is key at all times. Just because you would ultimately want a relationship doesnt mean he is one with you after 3 dates,but it does mean if he knows that for the foreseeable that is not something he even wants to think about then, well you're not right for eachother.
OP you say you're ex ghosted you after a relatively long time (a year is far too long to think ghosting is acceptable), have you dealt with that,really delved into how that made you feel, how you move on from it , have you managed to find your closure,that could be playing a part in the anxiety over this scenario.

@FineWithWine you said you’re not sure what he wants- what do YOU want? If you’re looking for a long term relationship, that takes time to grow and can’t be forced. Take it slow and try to be chill (even if you don’t feel it!). If he was too keen that would be a red flag that he’s trying to love bomb you. You don’t want that trust me. I know it’s hard. Dating is a minefield 💐💐💐

He has probably updated his location on the app cos after 3 dates he is still keeping his options open, as you should be too at this stage. As I said in my previous comment near the beginning of the thread, you are getting far too hung up on who texts first and what the messages are about. Just because he is sharing certain info doesn’t mean he sees you as a partner. It’s just something to talk about. Same with the discussions you are having, just cos you have ‘deep’ conversations doesn’t really mean much other than that in that moment it was an interesting topic for you both. I worry you are probably still coming across as very keen and while he probably likes you he has only met you 3 times so he likely isn’t as invested as you are. There may also be cultural differences coming into play here too so it’s possible his attitude towards dating/relationships might not be what you are used to.

I despair reading this whole thread op, everyone is telling you to chill out, stop being so intense and you have ignored all the advice. Just crack on as you were then...

Please step back
As the film says & I don't mean this harshly...
If he's interested, he's interested no excuses!!!
He will keep you updated, not with everything, but will keep in touch...
Work, moving house etc... Are no reason to not contact you, they are just excuses.
Delete and move on, you'll feel better for it.

I've caught up again on your thread OP and just wanted to say, as kindly as possible, please don't put your hopes in this guy. From what you've written he doesn't sound too keen to me. Keep dating, see a few other people, keep your options open.

Is he really all he seems? The incredibly high flying job....sending you pictures of houses he’s viewing (why? You’re virtually a stranger) he’s moved into (another?) rental.....maybe it’s me, but this screams con man to me

Sorry OP you are being incredibly intense, you have to chill out and stop focusing on this guy if you want anything to progress. Do not over analyse things, do not stalk his location, find something else to concentrate on and keep swiping!

It seems things are going as well as they can if you take into account you barely know each other and his job and house move. Don't write it off yet, go with the flow, but please play it a little cooler. Don't put all your eggs in one basket.

Gosh. You are way too intense and such hard work. Poor guy

You’re making yourself very hard work, love.

You need to make this guy one pleasant aspect of a full and busy life. You’re making someone who is essentially a stranger responsible for your happiness.

I’m surprised you haven’t scared him off already. Chill out.

OP, just for a minute, picture this (any!!) relationship 20 years down the line:

In 2040, you have a DH who's busy at work all the time, leaves you to do the vast majority of shitwork at home (bringing up kids, cooking, cleaning), could have a nightmare interfering, overbearing mother, you're bored, he pesters you for sex when you're exhausted, isn't interested in your feelings etc etc.

That's the reality of a long term relationship for many women.

Now think about the here and now. Is he right for you? Do you see any red flags? If he worth the effort or are you having problems already, 3 dates in? Because if he's upsetting you already, the resentment will only continue to grow. Decide what you want out of life and a man can fit in around your plans and dreams.

This is a tricky one op , Iv seen men exactly like this and have been the way you are because of past experiences. One time was about ten years ago . I'm early 30s now . Starting dating a guy very similar to the one you are now . Very insecure always over analysing messages or things he said always messaging him 1st and then thinking he had gone off me when he didn't reply for ages . My head went like yours told him I don't like belong messed around ect . A few weeks down the line he said that we could have been great but because of the way I acted it put him off and we never met again . Second date , different man . Was just like the man your dating again . But this time me being paranoid was for a good reason . There was someone else he was interested in more and was actually seeing her when he wasn't seeing me . Slowly the texts went shorter and less frequently. Until I didn't hear off him again and a week later he was all loved up over social media 😂 you just can't win these days . My advice to you would be it's early days . Of course your going to feel the way you are all love struck because it's new and exciting and it sounds like you actually don't have any confidence in yourself . You need to be needed . Exactly like I was . Just think he's one man in a few billion ! You have lived your whole life without even knowing he even existed ! Don't put everything on good for him and if things don't go to plan . Do not lose any sleep over him . The right man will come soon . I really don't think this is going to get to where you want it to x