Should I message him?

[FineWithWine]

So 3 weeks ago I met a guy OLD (not tinder). We hit it off straight away although I wasn’t too keen at first for various reasons... namely an injury meaning I couldn’t really walk! So we messaged for a couple of weeks. Everyday, some days me messaging first and other days him. All times of the day. We are both young (me in my 20’s and him in his 30’s), I asked him what he was looking for and he said ‘to get married ASAP of course’ no idea if he was joking or not, but we disgusted ghosting and I said how I find it unkind etc. Got on like a house on fire via message for weeks, he said he hadn’t spoken to a woman in this way since he was 20. We spoke about anything and everything- deep things including religion including light sexting. He told me he hasn’t dated many different girls in the past.

On Friday we had our first date- lovely casual date in a park with wine followed by dinner. It went well, he even said ‘Listening to you speak is like listening to myself’ and at the end of the date he asked when he could see me again. I said I was free on the Sunday. So on the way home he didn’t kiss me- I was slightly surprised as I’ve nearly always ended a date with a kiss. He messages saying he didn’t want to see creepy etc so had been reserved but said you are absolutely gorgeous. On Saturday I then messaged first, and we agreed on a time for Sunday. On Sunday morning he messaged first, and asked if we could meet earlier as he had a thing with friends planned for the evening and he wanted to enjoy his time with me.

Sunday date was perfect- another park meeting but we kissed for hours, talked in detail got on great. He casually asked if I had been to a certain part of London and said we should go there next time, I casually said ‘yeah....’ then continued the conversation. So maybe he think I wasn’t keen! At the end of the date he told me he was viewing houses this week to purchase and said ‘I’ll send you any i like’ then told me to message him how an issue at work goes. So I messaged on Sunday night, he said it was a great afternoon and I have gorgeous lips etc. Then sexted in quite some detail. On Monday I waited for him to message first- finally he did at 10pm!! Chat was normal and great. Then yesterday I messaged first, we chatted in the day time (he has an incredibly intense high flying job in banking where it can change in an instant!) and I told him to message me how a health appointment had gone... 8pm came and he hadn’t so I messaged first and asked him how it was, conversation was fine albeit he didn’t ask me any questions. Just lots of detail about him, we discussed what happened in Beirut etc. Then he left my last message (just a reply saying ‘yes it will be interesting’) on read. No goodnight message like he has done nightly for weeks. Now he hadn’t messaged at all today! Should I message?

I’ve always believed if a man likes you then they will message first/be arranging the next date but I’m not so sure! He is genuinely kind it seems and I’m worried he has the wrong idea about me or maybe he has just gone off me?

Yeah you peaked too quickly, I’d imagine if he is in a fast paced job he enjoys the thrill of the chase more than the actual relationship. Some people are like that.

This seems quite an intense post about a new relationship. I know it’s hard to start a new relationship when you’ve been in a very bad one before. You’re hyper vigilant for red flags etc.

I think you’re insecure and sexting a man you barely know to try and get him more interested in having a relationship but this does not work. He’s just more likely to want to have sex with you which is not all you want.

I would back right off. Focus on other things going on in your life and wait for him to ask you out again.

He definitely knows that you're keen to see him so you have to wait for him to suggest another date. Still talk to other men, please dont get so invested in this man just yet, if he wants you he won't take long to secure another date to risk losing you to someone else.
So keep your plans with your friends and don't change anything last minute to suit him so he knows to value your time.

Whether you are over-analysing or not, I feel your analysis is right in that he has gone off the boil. Could his plans last sunday evening, when he re scheduled your date to daytime, actually be because he had another date lined up with someone else? But yes as a PP said, if you were still his sole focus, he'd say something like "I'm gutted that I'm moving this weekend and can't see you- unless you fancy opening a bottle of wine amid the packing cases on sunday night- can we make plans for next week? When are you free?". However it doesn't mean he's not into you, he's just keeping his options open I'm afraid.

Well I think your spidey senses are right. He seems a bit vague.

Girl chill out will ya?!?!

You’ll ruin it if you’re constantly checking in for validation/reassurance.

Genuinely OP, I found that meditation/yoga/going out for a long walk and doing some self reflection helped me to not be so full on when I met my now fiancé after a terrible divorce.

Please make plans with friends!

I think this is him telling you’re being too intense and he wants you to have your own life too, not just be about him.

I think you sound a bit too much if I’m honest. Focus on you more and let this tick on the sidelines.

As others have said, you seem very invested already and I think you are probably over-analysing the texts and who messaged first, what they were about etc
It may be that he has picked up on how keen you are and is trying to dial things back a bit. It sounds like he is genuinely busy as well. But my advice is don’t put your eggs in one basket at this stage! I really believe that if people want to see you they will make plans rather than vague agreements. If he’s busy this weekend but keen he could have suggested another time/date.
Telling him not to feel like he has to see you is too much at this stage. You have met him twice, of course he knows he doesn’t have to see you if he doesn’t want to. You are implying (even by saying he doesn’t have to see you) that he has some kind of obligation to you, which is probably off-putting for him.
I think you need to back off a bit and see what happens.

Yeah OP... as other PP's have said, you're coming off super intense.

Like you asked him when he'd next be able to see you and he said next weekend probably and then you tried to pressure him into giving you more by using the "I need to make plans with friends" excuse. You should have just kept it breezy.

If you don't chill out, this guy is going to run a mile.

Trust your instincts.

I don't think you are too intense, if he were into you, he would like it. I really think he is a player.

He offered you to meet at the weekend, and when you said that you will meet friends as well jumped at the chance and is suddely moving house (really why then offer in the first place if not to use that as an excuse) and I would put some money on him not moving at all.

I think he just wants to keep you as a plan b, I am sorry.

I think you came on a bit too strong, especially as he's moving house this weekend. When you asked what he was doing on the weekend he didn't really commit to seeing you. You should have left it at that, instead of messaging again " let me know, so I can make plans with friends." Give yourself and air of mystery

I don't think it sounds good OP. I've had it where men go from making definite dates to suddenly becoming more wishy-washy/non-committal and it's never a good sign.

I don't think you've done anything wrong, if he's like that it would have happened sooner or later.

PS at date 3, and much later on, I would be making my plans anyway and agreeing to meet only when I was free. I wouldn't be making my plans around dates.

Make plans with your friends and keep dating. He isn't into you and lovedbombed you at the beginning. This special connection bollocks etc. If he was into you then he would make sure that you knew that he would love to see you but was very busy moving but as soon as he has moved he will etc.

Don't message him again and if he messages, I'm not sure you should see him again. And absolutely be busy the next time he suggests a date.

Op I think you need to make yourself a little less available. You come over very keen. The fact you are putting a date with him before arranging anything else is too keen. He knows he’s your main focus.
My advice don’t message unless he messages you and keep your messages brief but still being yourself.
Let’s be honest if he was desperate to see you he would have made the time regardless how busy he was even if it was just for a coffee. X

You coming across far too keen, take it back a notch you've been on 2 dates.

Oh bloody hell. Never ever treat a man to a free sex messaging service. You sound younger than me so you probably won't remember the '0898' service but seriously I've met plenty of men who want to get into sex talk, sex text etc and don't want to pay for the service! Its absolutely fine if you know what you are getting into but you are tying yourself in knots over this utter tool. Block and move on. This isn't going anywhere but Hurtsville.

I’ve never known a man have “moving house” as a reason to put off going out for a drink! They’re more than happy to ditch a house full of boxes and head out - so if he wanted to see you this weekend he wouldn’t be using that as an excuse. I mean, he’s said “Make other plans” - literally couldn’t be clearer. If a guy wants to see you he’ll make time and space for it, even if it’s takeaway pizza on camping chairs in the back garden.

Far too much messaging and too intense. Of course he’ll back off.

Not sure it’s worth salvaging as he sounds like a player. But only thing you can do now is not to message him. You’re busy for the next few weeks, make plans with friends.

Best option would be block and delete and don’t come on so strong next time. Hold back and get to know someone slowly. Why do you need to message in the morning, all day and then in the evening? It’s far too much.

He's moving house at the weekend, but buying a house soon? Where's he moving to this weekend - a rental?

I would completely leave it now. It sounds like he was backing off even before he said, please meet up with friends.

Thank you all for the advice.
In answer to the question regarding the move, yes he’s moving to another rental with friends (this weekend, which he told me about 3 weeks again when we first start started talking, so the move isn’t a lie) this weekend until he buys his home.

I’m very disappointed as he had such a gentle, calm and unassuming manner. Really wasn’t the typical sleaze ball type I am sadly used to. Even messaging on Sunday saying great afternoon etc seemed positive to me!
Taking all of your advice on board and listening to my instinct, he most likely has gone off the boil. If he messages then I will know otherwise but I’ve taken the hint and won’t message him again.

Very, very disappointed especially as he said he was even going to show me the houses if he likened them! No changes to his dating profile yet (such as location) but then he hasn’t moved yet.
Will update the thread as when/if he ever messages. Very disappointed and have archived his chat on WhatsApp to my graveyard of 46 archived chats (all former dates/men I have somehow been involved with!!)

Delete the archive @FineWithWine It's very therapeutic. It's understandable to be disappointed but I do think there's a lesson about investing too much at such early stages. Come and join us on the dating thread. Lots of experience and support on there.

Sorry OP, I agree with PPs that you were too keen too fast. To avoid this it's wise to not put all your eggs in one basket with online dating. So be in contact and date other men (until you've both agreed to be exclusive) and work on a 1st come first served basis, so make plans of your own then fit dates around those. It's off putting to feel as though someone has little else going on in their lives apart from you, and there's a fine line between enthusiastic and needy. Personally I'm not a fan of texting every day either as it soon becomes a slightly intrusive habit that can be difficult to sustain especially when either person is busy. So try and relax, focus on having fun with your friends and meeting lots of other men. I feel your pain though, it can become all consuming.