Should I message him?

[FineWithWine]

So 3 weeks ago I met a guy OLD (not tinder). We hit it off straight away although I wasn’t too keen at first for various reasons... namely an injury meaning I couldn’t really walk! So we messaged for a couple of weeks. Everyday, some days me messaging first and other days him. All times of the day. We are both young (me in my 20’s and him in his 30’s), I asked him what he was looking for and he said ‘to get married ASAP of course’ no idea if he was joking or not, but we disgusted ghosting and I said how I find it unkind etc. Got on like a house on fire via message for weeks, he said he hadn’t spoken to a woman in this way since he was 20. We spoke about anything and everything- deep things including religion including light sexting. He told me he hasn’t dated many different girls in the past.

On Friday we had our first date- lovely casual date in a park with wine followed by dinner. It went well, he even said ‘Listening to you speak is like listening to myself’ and at the end of the date he asked when he could see me again. I said I was free on the Sunday. So on the way home he didn’t kiss me- I was slightly surprised as I’ve nearly always ended a date with a kiss. He messages saying he didn’t want to see creepy etc so had been reserved but said you are absolutely gorgeous. On Saturday I then messaged first, and we agreed on a time for Sunday. On Sunday morning he messaged first, and asked if we could meet earlier as he had a thing with friends planned for the evening and he wanted to enjoy his time with me.

Sunday date was perfect- another park meeting but we kissed for hours, talked in detail got on great. He casually asked if I had been to a certain part of London and said we should go there next time, I casually said ‘yeah....’ then continued the conversation. So maybe he think I wasn’t keen! At the end of the date he told me he was viewing houses this week to purchase and said ‘I’ll send you any i like’ then told me to message him how an issue at work goes. So I messaged on Sunday night, he said it was a great afternoon and I have gorgeous lips etc. Then sexted in quite some detail. On Monday I waited for him to message first- finally he did at 10pm!! Chat was normal and great. Then yesterday I messaged first, we chatted in the day time (he has an incredibly intense high flying job in banking where it can change in an instant!) and I told him to message me how a health appointment had gone... 8pm came and he hadn’t so I messaged first and asked him how it was, conversation was fine albeit he didn’t ask me any questions. Just lots of detail about him, we discussed what happened in Beirut etc. Then he left my last message (just a reply saying ‘yes it will be interesting’) on read. No goodnight message like he has done nightly for weeks. Now he hadn’t messaged at all today! Should I message?

I’ve always believed if a man likes you then they will message first/be arranging the next date but I’m not so sure! He is genuinely kind it seems and I’m worried he has the wrong idea about me or maybe he has just gone off me?

I'm really confused as to what this guy has done wrong. Don't throw him back just yet

Seems like he went off the boil after you led with the sexting.
Chalk it up to experience, and read “Why Men Love Bitches” or something.

It's a bit late now, but you're response to 'probably this weekend' should have been "I'm making plans with my friends this weekend, but I'm free towards the end of next week :)'

"Probably" is an indicator that you're not his first choice (and yes, it might be perfectly reasonable that's the case if he's moving).

You being busy shows that you value your time and are not going to wait around for someone else.

What's likely happening now is you are investing too much and he can see it. It's not an attractive quality. You've only known him 3 weeks and you're making it very clear that he's a priority over you and your friends. Don't do it.

Sounds like he's lost interest OP but I don't think you've lost anything I think he's a player. They come in all shapes and sizes. You thought he seemed nice... how do you think these players get away with it?! Not by being twats! I really wouldn't have started with the sexting unless you're happy to be providing unpaid services.

If someone is genuinely interested you won't have this issue.

As another poster has mentioned, I think you made a mistake letting him know you were putting him first and not arranging plans with friends before you knew if he wanted to see you.

As I said, you haven't lost anything here.

Whoa he has done nothing wrong, he's busy preoccupied packing etc you are way too full on, give the guy some space, no one needs to text daily in even a new relationship! Back off and just go with the flow.

It's tricky I think.
Before I got married I went on a brilliant date with a guy, we met for an afternoon drink and ended up staying out clubbing, we got on so well, etc etc. I never heard from him again!! I didn't message him though, as I didn't want to look too keen.
Maybe just hold fire, see if he gets in touch, and take it from there.

I don't like the sound of him and think he sounds like a player too, with a lot of options on the go! You could be hanging around him forever waiting for him to make a second date. I think so many men are like this now, its pretty horrible really.

I had a player like this contact me lately. He added me on FB (I'd known him from years back from a sport we both do) and dm'd me. Straight away onto the flirty talk, then added me on WhatsApp and then tried to get me to send lots of photos and talk dirty - told him I wasn't keen but we could meet up. We met up and I don't know if he expected me to drop my knickers for him right there and then but I didn't and we had quite a civilised coffee date, told me he wanted to see me again. He messaged me almost straight afterwards to say he'd enjoyed it, and "did I fancy him?". I wasn't sure if I fancied him or not tbh, but being polite, just answered "yeah" as I thought he might grow on me.

Then more sporadic texts which dwindled to nil for a couple of weeks. I changed my profile pic on FB and he then started messaging me again apologising for going quiet on me and wanting to meet up. So I said yes, then he asked if I could wait a week, then nothing, so I've done what guys do and blocked him on WhatsApp and deleted him off FB (but not blocked him, so he knows I've defriended him).

Sounds mean, but I honestly cannot be bothered with this sort of carry on and he was boring me rigid and it wasn't exactly flattering or good for my self esteem!

I sometimes think life must have been so much easier (and kinder) when men had less options and were restricted to those they met locally through mutual acquaintencies, or on holiday or through work, etc.. Sometimes, you feel like you're being put on a trial period for a job, with various tests you have to pass and standards you have to live up, and there is only one, mysterious set of standards that will suit the particular job which will never be revealed to you! While other candidates are being assessed too. So for instance, if you were born in 1980 rather than 1981, or if your hair is shoulder length and slightly too dark brown, instead of long and light brown - who knows, really!

If I were you, I'd take a step back and not invest too heavily in this man, he doesn't sound that genuine.

Very intense too early on, with lots of forced intimacy ('let me know about that medical appointment/how did that situation at work go?'). These are things that should grow organically, as you develop a natural interest and curiosity in that person.
You are way to full-on. Back off a bit and let him come back to you, which hopefully he will do when less busy.
BUT beware of guys who are all talk. The old adage 'actions speak louder than words' could have been written for online dating!
Good luck

And after a date, your opinion of the properties he was viewing shouldn't matter one jot to him! You were just someone he'd had a date with! As I said, too much too early on, and these situations can rarely be sustained.

He's just not that into you. Sorry but don't hang hopes on this going anywhere serious.

For context, 2 weeks after meeting my now husband, he drove me 2 hours to drop me off at a friend's party. He wasn't invited to the party, just turned around and drove home. He did it because we were both really busy with our own stuff and it was the only time that weekend he could see me.

If he wanted to see you, he would find the time.

He sounds like he has gone off the boil. If I really liked someone I wouldn't have moving house put me off. I went on a first date the same night I got the keys to my new house.
I think you are probably coming across overly keen so it could be putting him off. I would definitely leave it now. if he likes you he will message, simple as that.

Or maybe he's moving house, i wouldn't make a date on the weekend i was moving, I wouldn't message but would wait and see if he gets in contact. If nothing after the weekend then he's forgotten.

Agree with the other posters here. He's either got a lot on his plate at the minute or has lost interest. Either way I'd suggest holding back and just see what happens. Someone once told me 'if he wanted to, he would', if he wants to see you again, he'll get in contact.

You're not playing it cool at all, are you?!

Chill out a bit and distract yourself with something else. Let him contact you for once

Update: he messaged last night at 6pm asking how I was and saying he’s had a terrible week at work (lost money on the stock market). He asked about the report I am working on and where I was going for dinner last night etc, discussed his house upcoming house move then said goodnight.

So after him messaging after work on the Friday I’m thinking maybe just a busy/bad week. Definitely trying to stay busy otherwise and not be too involved/overwhelming. I didn’t expect him to message at all though, I was expecting him to ghost

He does like you, just don’t be too keen or available. It’s also good practice for when it does take off to be in the habit that you automatically make plans with friends. There’s nothing worse than someone who loses themselves in a partner and forgets their own needs. It’s sad for the friends but painful for the person who does it in the long run. Never lose you!

Why on earth would you sext a guy who is essentially a stranger?! I really hope for your sake that this wasn't explicit photos. Unfortunately looks like he got what he wanted and has cooled off rapidly - sorry OP. A lot of guys know the 'right' things to say to a woman in order to get what they want and it's all very easy for them to do. He knows now you're very invested in him even though you barely know each other and all he's had to do is come out with some nice lines. Don't be surprised if he pops up again down the line, seeming very keen, only to then cool off again when he's bored. You need to sift out these type of men by not becoming so heavily invested in the beginning and not sexting them. A man worthy of you and who genuinely likes you, won't mess you about and wouldnt be put off by anything minor - he'll be chomping at the bit to see you again and get to know you properly

Yikes just seen your subsequent post where you're basically advertising to him you're ready to disregard your friends in order to make yourself available for him! All this (plus the sexting) screams you're desperate to a guy. OP I recommend working on your self esteem before you venture back into dating. All you're going to do is attract guys who will treat you badly who will feed off this desperation, and put off the good ones who will steer clear of you because of it! After all, if you dont respect yourself, why should they respect you? Bad men can sense such women a mile away and take full advantage (you're actually lucky this guy did not string you along but I guess being a stockbroker he has too many women on the go). Work on being happy with yourself and stop latching onto any man who spews out cliche lines to get you into bed/sexting.

Just chill out! All this has happened in a really short space of time. I don't think you needed to panic yet. Glad he's got in touch. Now get busy so you don't get fixated on him again!

I'm going to get flamed for this I'm sure but I really urge you to buy and read a copy of The Rule.

You are coming across way too keen and available.

Do you wanna meet at the weekend?
When can you let me know?
I have no other plans and will put everyone else on the back burner till I hear from you.
I'm thinking about you all the time, you know because I'm messaging you.
I've nothing else going on except for you, really pinning all my hopes on you.

Look people might call this game playing but you need to seem way more busy and unavailable.

People are interesting when we want to find stuff out about them. You are telling him absolutely everything he wants to know and more.

You should really get a copy of that book.

You really need to chill and just enjoy talking to him and dating instead of expecting him to suddenly ghost you.

He did absolutely nothing wrong. He went on some great dates with you, followed them up with messages, went a little quieter because he's moving/packing and had a bad work week and forgot to send a goodnight message to someone he's been in two dates with. He doesn't sound like a player at all. People have lives and he was busy.

I agree I do think you're over invested. You're checking his profile for changes and offering to keep your friends on the back burner incase he was available, disappointed that he isnt now engaging you in his property purchase. I'm not judging you, weve all been there.
I would say he hasnt done nothing wrong, hes busy, hes moving hes been on two dates with you. But I think in this instance it's really hard when someone starts off engaged, interested and communicative and then that changes.

I wouldnt delete those archived messages, I would look through the conversations see if you can see any patterns in previous liaisons. Has there always been a stage where you allowed the power to shift, where you felt their interest waine and as a result started to panic and try to communicate more.

I would always trust instincts, yeah he is really busy at the moment, but he was busy when you met him but he didnt find it difficult to keep in touch and arrange dates then did he.

Like I said I dont think hes done much wrong at this early stage.

Going forward, work on being less available, I'm not saying play games. I'm saying make you and your life priority and dating a secondary to that and then you can look at it in a more objective way. If you feel someone isnt matching your completely reasonable level of interest then walk away rather than try harder.

Update:
He continued to message first all weekend, updating me on the move etc and general chat. On the Sunday night he asked if I was free on Monday, I said I was free in the afternoon. Monday came and he messaged mid afternoon asking what I was up to, then when I asked how he was he said he was tired from assembling furniture and probably wouldn’t be free until after dinner. I replied ‘I’m busy after 7pm but can do tomorrow after 2pm’ so he said tomorrow (Tuesday) would probably be better. On Tuesday he messaged me first thing in the morning to show me a property he’s viewing, then messaged throughout the day asking what I was doing and saying he was going to a restaurant close to where we live. I didn’t want to seem as though I am hanging around for him so said I was at a friend’s house. Eventually I snapped, I messaged stating I feel we have different expectations, calling him out on not making plans, repeatedly being flaky, I understand he had a bad week at work and moving but I do not see the point if he doesn’t even have time to see me.

He replied instantly, apologising and saying YANBU, you are being totally fair, I should not have taken the risk and told you it would be hard to see you in these few days and apologies for poor organisation on my part. I said apology accepted but I would always rather know a bad truth than an excuse and that I was free from 19:30 that evening. He suggested meeting in a local park to watch the sunset.
We met and as soon as he saw me he apologised in person again. He said he was very sorry and he did not mean to give the impression that his time is more valuable than mine because it’s not. I said the apology is accepted and it’s ok- I do not expect him to drop everything but I do not like flakey people. it was perfect, watched the sunset, kissed, had lots to talk about and then he asked if I had eaten and would like to get dinner. His friend called him about a key to the new house and they spoke in their own language but he said my name in the conversation. I didn’t ask what was said but it was clearly my name, so he must have told friends something about me? He then walked me past the new house to show me it. We had a lovely dinner with very deep and meaningful conversation about ethical issues. Also kept it light and he asked how many men propose to me in an average week! Then in a joke when discussing families he said about me ‘seeing’ him. He then waited for me whilst I got a taxi, we kissed goodbye and he messaged me within 10mins of saying goodbye just about the heat, trying to sleep and something we both saw (a joke) then flirting I should wear a shorter dress next time. He said it was great to see me again and to sleep well. That was on Tuesday night.

Yesterday I then messaged him first in the evening and he replied saying he had a busy day viewing houses to buy and asking what I was up to then promptly said he was going to sleep (it was midnight). No more mention of meeting again! Even though on Tuesday there was the ‘joke’ about a shorter dress next time. Hasn’t updated his location post move on the dating app.
Arghhh... I’m on nightshifts for the next few days so hopefully will be more distracted!

Just breathe OP!! This is how dating works! If he doesn’t arrange to see you within the next week then I’d understand you feeling anxious... he’s still messaging you so that’s good!! Leave the ball in his court now! 💐

Not a cool mum I think this is the problem, I don’t really know about normal dating!! I am 25 and whilst not inexperienced (I’ve had more than my fair share of ONS ), always had bad experiences with men either pushing for sex very soon or ghosting me. I was very hurt by a man who ghosted after I gave him a second chance (had known him for over a year) and I think this is why I am very anxious about dating/want a firm plan and their undying love declared!
Will definitely try to breathe and see if he arranges anything for the next week.