I hate family life!

[Summer294756]

So sorry if this is on the wrong board. Im a long time member but have name changed as I'm so ashamed of myself for feeling like this.
I absolutely hate family life and I hate my husband. None of them have done anything wrong really, it's all me, and everything is amplified due to covid restrictions. If someone offered me a pill to take that would rewind my life by 20 years and I would take it in an instant and do everything in my life differently.
I have many things to feel lucky about. We are all in good health apart from me being fat. We have a loving family on both sides. My husband works and earns enough that I don't have to go to work!! I am so lucky and I do appreciate it.
But I'm so unhappy, and also lonely . I've been with my husband for 20 years since we were teenagers, so still only in our 30s now. We were together many years before we had children. Life had its ups and downs then but mostly OK. I really wanted children as it was the natural step.
Weve been parents for 10 years now and as much as I love my children it has been so hard and not what I expected (due to my son having sen) and my relationship with my husband doesn't really exist anymore.
We haven't had sex for 5 years. We sleep in in different rooms. We have polar opposite parenting styles so never agree. Every argument / disagreement we ever have is about the children. Most days.
We give our children a lovely life and they wouldnt be aware of my feelings or the problems with husband and I, as we put an act on with them thats everything's fine, but inside I'm crying and screaming.
We had many years of no sleep with the kids, then as my son grew he has had many problems with behaviour, and friendships, school, anger and anxiety. It is absolute hell to be honest. I hate our life. I hate what we have to deal with. And there is no end because he is going to be the same as an adult and he worries me sick.
Husband and I have completely grown apart and have nothing in common. I just want to be on my own!!
I know this current situation is not forever and everyone being stuck at home together is not helping. But every day I get up Dreading the day. Asking myself how did I end up in this life. Why did I make the choices I did.
I would never leave them and I will do everything in my power to give my children good lives and be their for them bit I have completely lost myself in the process. Can anyone relate or tell me it gets better? They are age 6 and 9

[gumball37]

I lost friends because they were who I went to to talk things through.. and it just "wasn't believable". He's "such a nice kid". Etc. And he IS a nice kid.... Until things come to a head and then it's awful.... But he only takes it out on me and sometimes his sister. It's so difficult and lonely. Hugs to you💕💕

[threesecrets]

Not sure what your DH earns, but I could probably afford not to work. I wouldn't. My job gives me so much! I like being with the people and having goals and successes that are mine. Volunteer or get a little part time job and see how that goes. You are probably bored shitless

[N0tfinished]

God OP, I've reread your post a few times wondering what might help. Have to say I'm stumped, same as I'm stumped with improving my own life. It's really frustrating to deal with problems that can't be solved - responsibilities that make you unhappy but you're stuck with.

My DS2 is 13 now, has ASD also. Things have improved with him, he's more independent & sleeps well enough now. He communicates better. If your DS is still quite young, I'm sure you can be hopeful of improvement in his behavior & his needs.

I'm really hoping for myself that things will improve when schools reopen. I'm in Ireland, schools have been closed since 13 March. We're looking like they'll reopen on schedule for September (all going well, we're seeing COVID cases rise slightly here) I'm really hoping my mood will improve when I have a little more time to myself.

All the best xx

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Ah OP
You need a major reboot , and it’s bloody hard to self start , so hard I know
You are young , and more than a mother and an estranged wife

A few thoughts for me
Start on an SSRI , I’m sorry but they bloody do work and can get you on a More even keel . It’s not forever but your depression is palpable

Then sounds like you need to focus on you
What do you want ? Learn , study , volunteer ? There has to be something to get you in a fresh environment

You clearly need another focus that will help you grow , improve and learn And feel proud of yourself

That’s my tuppence worth

[Palaver1]

Residential is the only way .Its either this or you’ll burn out .

[TheHoneyBadger]

After posting on this thread and I was thinking that yes of course it’s great that we don’t institutionalise kids on mass anymore but...

The downside is presumably parents are expected to cope with anything and everything and presumably feel like not being able to cope is some monstrous failure and actually seeking residential care makes you a terrible person.

I often read what people are dealing with and think I could not do that. Not in the casual oh I don’t know how you cope way but in a really concrete certainly that I couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to put up with it. There should be way more support instead of just waving the words inclusion and care in the community around.

[Palaver1]

There are good residential settings ,for children with additional needs they cost a lot most local authorities will fight against sending pupils there,you do have to do your research.
There is very little support out there .I'm quite fortunate in this aspect that I have support of the authorities but residential are not for me at least not at this time .
Very few marriages survive with a child with additional needs.

[TheHoneyBadger]

I wonder if saying you want your child to go into residential care actually makes them come up with some support and eg respite? With everything being about money surely they can see it’s cheaper to give families help and support than to foot the bill for residential care.

I imagine most Mum’s would be mortified by even pretending they wanted their child to move out of the family home but I’m guessing it’s one of the only ways to be offered support

[YRGAM]

There have been 34 posts on this thread, four or five suggesting divorce, and not a single person has advised the OP to talk to her husband. He may feel the same way and want to work together to change things too.

[southern82]

I just wanted to say that I was in the exact same situation and decided to split up. I now never get any break, I only have 1 child and he has ASD.
I can't work or do anything for myself because he takes up all my time. He has school refused for 3 years.
I feel suicidal to be honest. We don't have any family or friends, it's just the 2 of us.
Life is so shit, all I do is worry constantly about my son and his future. We have nothing, no job, no money etc. Its not the life I imagined.
Big hugs to you OP xx

[Catrio]

Hi Summer, are things any better now?

[EarthSight]

@madcatladyforever

There is no way on gods green earth I could be a sahm I'd be bored senseless. I worked full time from when my son was 6 weeks old.
The happiest time in my life was when Iost all my excess weight and got divorced. Life was so much better then

Why the hell did you become a mother?? Honestly, did you think it would be thrilling? What is the point of having a baby, a child if they're looked after by someone else for 8hrs of the day??

[beautifulxdisasters]

@EarthSight

Why the hell did you become a mother?? Honestly, did you think it would be thrilling? What is the point of having a baby, a child if they're looked after by someone else for 8hrs of the day??

Do you say this to men too or is it only mothers that you judge?

[ItsADoggieDogWorld]

ZOMBIE