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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband’s temper

90 replies

Canyouhearme101 · 05/08/2020 04:50

I’ve never posted on here before (long time lurker!) but really don’t know where else to go for advice.

My husband has always had a temper - never violent, but does fly off the handle about things.

Last night our five year old daughter was having a carry on with him and hit him in the balls. He picked her up and flung her on the sofa, before grabbing her hand and marching her out to the hall where he screamed at her (so loud, she said her ear was hurting after) and sent her up to bed. I went straight up after her as I was so worried for her.
After, we had a huge argument as he said I should have backed him up and not gone straight to our daughter. I know getting hit in the balls is really painful for men but she is only 5 and I just can’t stop thinking about how angry he got with her.

There have been a couple of other incidents over the last few months where he has got angry at either our daughter, or our son (7) and broke a toy tractor in the garden and one of our daughter’s toys in his rage. He is the kind of person that suffers from road rage, isn’t patient etc.

When I try to speak to him about it, he tells me I’m overreacting and it’s not that bad and it just turns into an argument about how I should be supporting him. He turns it round so it’s about me, not him. He’s never hit me or the children ( I don’t think he would) but his temper is always so full on that I really don’t know what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to bring my children up thinking that kind of behaviour from their father is acceptable.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

OP posts:
rvby · 05/08/2020 04:53

Lordy. Sorry op but how much worse does it need to get?

The kids aren't safe around him. Even if he never hits them, he is absolutely destroying them emotionally and psychologically at the minute. You seem to think that's sort of ok? Since you're still in the home?

Have you told friends and family what he is like?

rvby · 05/08/2020 04:55

In terms of advice, I would tell everyone I know everything he does, get some support around you, minimize time spent with him, and get good legal advice about how to limit his access to the kids to supervised only, with an eye to divorcing asap.

jammyjoey · 05/08/2020 04:56

Making a comparison that he hasnt used physical violence isnt good, its not the bar at which point you decide its a deal breaker. I would choose a time when everything is calm and tell him whether or not he feels supported by you is not the point, breaking toys and losing control, screaming in childrens ears is never acceptable and wont be tolerated, tbh using you as an excuse sounds like domestic violence where someone says 'you drove me to it'

WhiteVixen · 05/08/2020 05:06

he tells me I’m overreacting and it’s not that bad

I’m sorry but it is that bad. Good fathers do not scream at their children so much they hurt their ears. He is an angry, violent man and your children need protecting from him. How you can say he’s not violent is just minimising. He picked up your daughter and flung her on the sofa. He’s broken toys in his rage. These are the actions of a violent man. I’m guessing you’re basically living in fear of the next thing that might set him off? Please don’t let your children grow up in this environment.

Original poster
Canyouhearme101 · 05/08/2020 05:08

Thank you for your replies. It’s a relief to hear other people say what I know is correct in my head. I think I have become so used to his behaviour and personality (married 6 years, together nearly 10) that it almost seems normal to me. Anytime I do call him out on it it’s always thrown back on me or he tells me it’s cause I don’t support him.

Apart from his temper, he is a really good father, does lots with the kids, plays great games with them and they do love him very much.

I’m quite isolated and don’t feel I could tell any friends/family as I hate the thought of them feeling sorry for me. I also have no money (or job just now) so have no idea how I would support myself and the kids. I hate to say it, but there have been times when I’ve asked myself would I leave him if I had the money to do so?

Does anyone think counselling for him/us would help?

OP posts:
vikingwife · 05/08/2020 05:12

That’s not good... breaking toys & throwing a child is rage out of control. I used to get toad rage but it went away after I went on antidepressants...just saying...

WhiteVixen · 05/08/2020 05:22

Counselling will only work if he admits there is a problem to be worked on. Currently it just seems to be ‘everyone else’s fault’ and he’s acting perfectly rationally Hmm
It is also not recommended to enter couples counselling with an abusive partner. It generally just gives them more ammunition to use against you. He should be looking at anger management counselling. But that would only work if he recognises that his anger and temper is the issue, rather than his family not behaving as he would like.

category12 · 05/08/2020 06:32

This kind of lack of emotional safety and exposure to his anger and violence (breaking things is violence) is incredibly damaging for your children.

It doesn't matter how nice he can be to them the rest of the time, they can't trust him.

You wouldn't drink a lovely coffee that had only 5% shit in it, would you?

Don't let money stop you from doing the right thing for your children, which is to get them out of an unsafe environment.

If you're married, you have a claim on all marital assets. As a single parent, you'd be entitled to universal credit etc. He would be expected to pay child support.

Lozzerbmc · 05/08/2020 06:54

Sorry you are going through this must be awful.

You say he isn’t violent despite flinging your daughter onto the sofa? He IS violent and sorry to say it, but how many women have said he wouldnt hurt children or me?

He could have counselling but needs to recognise he has a problem. Does he think he has a problem?

Do you and the children live on tenterhooks wondering about the next outburst?

category12 · 05/08/2020 07:01

Yes, as lozzerbmc points out, throwing your dd down is violence. Breaking things is violence.

Did you grow up in a violent home yourself?

JorisBonson · 05/08/2020 07:05

He IS violent. Physically throwing your child onto a sofa is violent. He is not a good father.

Shoxfordian · 05/08/2020 07:07

He's violent and aggressive
Can you phone women's aid for some support?

minatoon · 05/08/2020 07:10

He has been violent! The moment he threw your dd onto the sofa I would have shoved him out the front door. Seriously, no one would do that do my child without huge consequences!

TwilightPeace · 05/08/2020 07:10

He is violent. He sounds awful.
Never taking responsibility for his rages and expecting you to ‘support’ him 🙄.
Does the support basically mean ‘shut up and let me be out-of-control and don’t comfort the children after I terrify then’?!

You should start telling people. Stay grounded in reality instead of the fantasy land that ‘everything is fine’. It isn’t fine or you wouldn’t be on here.

StopGo · 05/08/2020 07:24

Can't have hurt him that much if he threw her onto the sofa and then took her out of the room to scream at her.
You have a duty of care towards your DC, this is a serious safeguarding issue. DD needs her ears checking for any damage.
What exactly do you love about this violent abuser? I bet he controls his temper at work.

sweetieno · 05/08/2020 07:54

He is NOT a good father. It doesn't matter if he's all singing all dancing, what he did is absolutely appalling, and I would get out of there with your daughter as fast as I could. He THREW your child. He screamed at her. That is violence.

Gkeshs3under3 · 05/08/2020 08:13

My 4 year old daughter was playing with her dad, and started practicing some kick after watching the incredibles. She accidentally kicked my husbands in the balls. He simply left the room to swear a few times by himself lol, he came back into the room and hugged my daughter reassuring her it was only an accident and that he was fine.
That's what a good father does, the way your husband acted was disgusting and you know it. You need to leave this relationship asap, and i think you know that deep down. You can do this.... for your children x

PullinTheChute · 05/08/2020 08:36

My mum stopped smacking me at about age 11. I then had to deal with her foul temper and psychological abuse instead. Trashing my room, silent treatment, smashing objects (but apparently that was ok because it wasn't me being hit anymore) and generally flying off the handle and ranting and raving.

I can assure you - this has had a massive impact on me and did when I was a very frightened child who lived on egg shells, never knowing when the next outburst was coming. As an adult I'm still very wary of confrontation and as such have been walked over most of my life. I suffer with depression and anxiety too.

So yeah, what your husband is doing will fuck up your kids, believe me.

WriteHon · 05/08/2020 11:01

I had a father with an explosive temper, and my childhood was spent on edge waiting for the next outburst.

As an adult I have suffered from depression and anxiety. The former is under control, but the latter has never left me.

I have problems forming relationships because I have difficulty trusting people are who they appear to be because, to the outside world, my father was pleasant and easygoing.

I understand the shame of admitting what is going on behind closed doors - it took me sixty years to do so - but please, for your children's sake, don't let that stop you from limiting their exposure to such damaging behaviour.

The child that I was appeals to you now on behalf of your children not to repeat what I went through.

Feralkidsatthecampsite · 05/08/2020 11:05

My exh had such a temper. A judge deemed it not suitable he had contact with our oldest 2 dc(10+7) as they witnessed such aggression and abuse. Sadly the younger 2 did but went nc as soon as old enough - teens.
Keep a diary of his behaviour and plan your escape.

thethoughtfox · 05/08/2020 11:09

This is violence and abuse. It was a good thing to post as others can see it objectively for what it is.

EKGEMS · 05/08/2020 11:10

Here we go again some delusional wife/mother trying to convince us her abusive bastard husband/boyfriend is a "great" father. What's it going to take for you to wake up and realize he just abused your daughter? A broken arm or a fractured skull?! Are you going to be in hospital after he assaults both of you? You're raising your children in a toxic environment to the detriment of a happy,loving home and bright future. You've gotta grow up and do what you need to do and that is to report your husband to the police and social services and file for divorce then arrange counseling otherwise you risk the children hating you for allowing them to be abused

thethoughtfox · 05/08/2020 11:11

You say he hasn't ' hit' them. He has thrown her. This is what men so so they can say they haven't 'hit' their wives or partners: push, shove, stand over and scream at, pin them down etc Your children are already frightened and traumatised.

MintyCedric · 05/08/2020 11:15

He sounds exactly like my ex husband.

Please start making plans to leave. This will only get worse as your children get older and more likely to question and have some control over their lives and choices.

I didn't think it was 'that bad' either, until I took DD to the GP for a counselling referral due to me planning yo leave him. The GP asked to speak to DD on her own and then called me back in by myself and informed me that if I hadn't already been asking plans to leave she would have to consider raising it with social services as a safeguarding issue.

We were out inside a month, and it's not always been easy but our lives are so much better now.

updownroundandround · 05/08/2020 11:42

Please listen to posters and accept that your H IS violent and IS abusive and that you and your DC ARE suffering and are greatly influenced by his actions.

Your DC will be walking on eggshells, cowering and wincing at the first sign of temper from him, and at the same time, they cannot say 'I don't want to play with you Dad' because they KNOW going against his wishes will mean he loses his temper.

You are doing the same, walking on eggshells so that you and your DC are less likely to 'set him off'.

It is NOT OK !!!!

You MUST take concrete steps to leave without letting him know, as this type of man often gets more abusive if they find out you're going to leave. Phone the domestic abuse help line and womens aid for advice and help as soon as you can safely do so.

Don't forget, he IS abusing his children (and wife), and it's YOUR job now to keep your children safe and get them away from this vile, bullying, abusive man.