Husband’s temper

[Canyouhearme101]

I’ve never posted on here before (long time lurker!) but really don’t know where else to go for advice.

My husband has always had a temper - never violent, but does fly off the handle about things.

Last night our five year old daughter was having a carry on with him and hit him in the balls. He picked her up and flung her on the sofa, before grabbing her hand and marching her out to the hall where he screamed at her (so loud, she said her ear was hurting after) and sent her up to bed. I went straight up after her as I was so worried for her.
After, we had a huge argument as he said I should have backed him up and not gone straight to our daughter. I know getting hit in the balls is really painful for men but she is only 5 and I just can’t stop thinking about how angry he got with her.

There have been a couple of other incidents over the last few months where he has got angry at either our daughter, or our son (7) and broke a toy tractor in the garden and one of our daughter’s toys in his rage. He is the kind of person that suffers from road rage, isn’t patient etc.

When I try to speak to him about it, he tells me I’m overreacting and it’s not that bad and it just turns into an argument about how I should be supporting him. He turns it round so it’s about me, not him. He’s never hit me or the children ( I don’t think he would) but his temper is always so full on that I really don’t know what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to bring my children up thinking that kind of behaviour from their father is acceptable.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

Could you look into an anger management course. The gp may be able to help and sit down for a proper chat about how you don’t want this anger in the house anymore and the children being affected by it. If he agress to get the help then I think you should give him the chance. He will learn to deal with things differently and not see red straight away Obviously if he did get violent in the meantime you should separate x

His best is what you should expect from any father.

His worst sounds unbearable, suffocating and torturous.

How would things be different if he did 'hit' you or your children? You sound like you're already scared, already on edge and having to run around trying to smooth things over with everyone. It's not your responsibility to hold everyone together, there shouldn't be this huge ball of rage pulling everyone apart. If he cared he would put the effort in himself to repair these relationships and change his behaviour (maybe not overnight).

Skyla OP has already tried addressing it with him and he just turns it round on her. That is not the reaction of a man who is going to admit he has a problem with anger. We are waaaaay past anger management. And besides, it isn't up to OP to manage his anger, it's up to him.

I once did a rather irritating silly thing in front of my father. I think I was about 7 or 8. He flew into a rage at me, picked up a heavy vase and smashed a glass top table with it. Then left the house. He came back some time later. I'd locked the door and when he knocked I said he couldn't come in. My mum overruled and he came in and apologised.

I always felt like I was the least important person in everybody's lives apart from my grandad when I was young. I've also ended up with a lot of mental health problems due to growing up in an unpredictable and violent household due to my father.

Please leave this man and continue to support your child, and show your child that they are more important than the violent person.

BTW he's not a really good father!!! He's an awful father!!!!!!!! How can you say he's a good father when he subjects your home to his anger and unpredictability. When he breaks your little children's toys in his rages?????

My father also used to play great games with me, and I was always so pleased when he spent time with me because it showed he really did love me. However, I never knew when the next time would be when he'd be angry, or even why he was angry, so I'd always be trying to second guess.

Your children are so young, and will be taking all this unpredictability in and how can they work out what is what when there isn't any kind of rhyme or reason to the violence they're being subjected to, and which they will conclude is normal because you're all still living in it. What is that setting them up for in the future?

He is absolutely not a good father, be in no doubt of that. He's an abusive one.

Being smiley and happy and doing all the right things when he's in a good mood isn't being a good father.

What it is is even more of a head fuck as they warily watch for the mood change and gauge whether or not to play along/stay out of the way, etc. What they DON'T do is trust him and feel secure and safe and happy to show their own emotions.

You either wait until the 'good father' throws her next time and she hits her head and you end up in A&E being questioned, or you leave now.

My husband was exactly the same. His outbursts were always twisted around to be my problem. He wouldn't seek anger management help because he didn't deem it a problem because it was only now and again and he provided well for the family. Because he wasn't physically abusive he didn't see it as damaging to the children. I put up with it and regret it massively. It got much worse as the children got older because they would answer back and challenge him and he couldn't handle that as he wanted to be Lord and Master. All my 3 children have suffered because of this and I dearly wish I had protected them more. We're going through a divorce now. They remember having to walk on eggshells around him and became anxious when he came home. Two of my teenagers ended up self harming and scarring themselves for life, they have anxiety and low self esteem and one currently has anorexia.
Please think about the long term effects his outbursts can have and protect your children whilst you can. I wish I had

My ex and my first every partner was an angry man. Lost his temper on the road over any bit of traffic, then used to blame it on me. Lost his temper when I was doing driving lessons, called me stupid and said I’d never get very far in life. Hit the walls a lot. Raised his voice a lot. It’s a control thing.

When we had our DD when I was 21, she was crying uncontrollably one night and couldn’t stop. She was only a few months old. He lost his temper and whacked the couch with full force it almost hit her. The blow on the leather cushion she was sat on was enough to startle a baby in to silence.

He didn’t apologise, he blamed his temper on HER.

That was when I decided to leave, and I’m so glad I did. No one needs to be walking on eggshells in their lives especially at such a young age! Grabbing your DD like that is horrendous and screaming at her for what was an accident will be distressing AF to her. If he’s not admitting his faults now, he will never, ever change. You decide if you want that for your children.

And no he won't change. At 18 my ds saw his df in a very public place - outside a police station no less - his df punched him in the face!! Nc for over 13 years. No back story to the attack - nothing. I dragged ex off him and he drove off.
Save your dc now op.

He is NOT a good father by any measure. He is a violent, controlling bully and your children are living in fear of him just waiting for the next nasty, violent outburst.

Do you think it is right or fair to inflict this on your children?

Do you think it is right or fair that your children will be adapting their behaviour in order to minimise or prevent the violent outbursts of their father?

Do you think it is right or fair that your children are afraid of their father?

Do you think it is right or fair that your children's home is not a safe, calm, secure place to be?

They, unlike you, have no choice but to remain in this toxic, cruel environment.

Put your children and their well being first and get them out and away from this pitiful excuse of a man and father.

Until you admit and accept that your husband is indeed a very violent man, I fear you will keep making excuses to stay. Your poor children are being damaged beyond words by this.

I grew up around this kind of anger and it was damaging. Please don't let that happen to your kids, you need to protect them.

A genuine question for those saying LTB. Given that he hasn't actually harmed any of them (yet), how can OP protect her children? If she leaves him, he will be entitled to contact with the children without OP being present. How is that safer for them than their current situation? I'm not saying she should stay. It's clearly toxic and I agree that he's a danger. But at the moment he hasn't done anything that would attract the attention of the authorities and presumably OP can't just demand he have supervised contact only. I think sometimes everyone is very quick to agressively and patronisingly tell women to leave but they don't offer any practical advice or address the issues that make it complex. Women don't stay with men like this because they are stupid. So what's the solution? Is there a legal mechanism that allows women in OP's situation to leave without placing their children in further danger?

I just want to reiterate that while being hurt may cause someone to react reflexively it was absolutely his CHOICE to pick your daughter up and fling her on the sofa.
He then DECIDED that wasn't enough and he wanted to hurt her more so he screamed into her ears, which handily leaves no marks.
In those moments those are active choices that he made.
Plenty of men have been hurt by accident and have not reacted that way.
He's not out of control. He's in control. He's controlling you all.

See a Dr or go to a & e. Get dd checked out. A record will be held and ss may intervene to support you.

If your husband had thrown you on the sofa, and shouted in your face like that, it would be domestic violence.

He has never hit them, but he threw one on the sofa...

Leave. Before your children get really hurt.

You say he isn’t violent despite flinging your daughter onto the sofa? He IS violent and sorry to say it, but how many women have said he wouldnt hurt children or me?

This. Imagine someone DOUBLE your size, who has a position of power and authority over you, physically throwing you. Would you be scared? Of course you would. And after throwing you they yelled at you so loudly your ears hurt. Would you be scared? Of course you would. Imagine be broke your things because he was annoyed with you. Would you be sad and confused? Of course you would.

He IS violent. He IS abusive. And he is NOT sorry. He doesn't think that scaring a child and yelling at them until their ears hurt is shameful and abusive behaviour.

I understand you're conditioned to think this temper is at all acceptable but fuck me, I could have cried for your little girl reading that and I don't even know her.

You shouldn't want to be with someone who throws, frightens and breaks your children's stuff.

It's time to make plans to split.

I think I might of wacked a chair over his back or head tbh. Well that’s what I’d do if my dh threw one of my girls.

Your kids are going to grow up scared of him. Not on.

@Ohfredcomeon

I think I might of wacked a chair over his back or head tbh. Well that’s what I’d do if my dh threw one of my girls.

Your kids are going to grow up scared of him. Not on.

This and also you are teaching your daughter that if a man hurts, scares and intimidates her it's acceptable and just what happens in relationships. If you won't leave for your sake then leave for her sake. You're modelling the relationship behaviours she will view as normal and acceptable.

So he is a 'good father' until he gets angry, looses hs shit and is mean and abusive to your kids.

Yup.sounds like a great dad.

Either take him to counseling or tell him to clean his act up starting now. And if he doesnt you'll walk . Because you have kids. To protect.

Why should you support him in his violent bullying? What an asshole.

You are right not to support him. He is WRONG on so many levels.
You job is to protect your children from his abuse.
Please make plans to leave now. Be an example for your children and a protector.

Although my dad was not physically violent, he often threatened it. He had an absolutely terrifying temper - he would flip at the drop of a hat, get disproportionately angry over almost nothing. My older brothers and I were walking on eggshells growing up, so was my mum.
Despite there being good memories, just the realisation that he was angry over something used to reduce me to tears. I would hide in my room with the door shut and shake with fear as I heard his footsteps stomping up the stairs, he would swing the door open and I was cowering and crying while he was red in the face shouting at me and then he'd slam the door shut and continue stomping around slamming all the doors and I'd be absolutely terrified because I knew he'd keep coming back to continue shouting a few more times.
Later on he would have calmed down and behave completely differently.
It is really unpleasant growing up feeling scared of your own dad.
It was certainly traumatic and has had a lasting impact - I really have terrible terrible memories of growing up with him around the house. One of my brothers who really bore the brunt of it has suffered with low self esteem which I really think has a lot to do with how my dad treated him.

I knew I would never marry a man who could behave in any way remotely similar to my dad.

More in reply to everyone else than the op but if she leaves him then what for the kids, he gets unsupervised access? Because that's the way it is looking for me with my ex and baby. The law is on the side of the parent not the child. Or am I wrong?

Agree with the others. Keeping a diary is a good idea

Have you ever told him
"You sort yourself out or we're gone. This is where we're at right now"
I dont mean a chat about his temper, I mean telling him WE WILL LEAVE IF THIS HAPPENS AGAIN.
It sounds like he thinks he can get away with it because you'll accept his words. Does he realise that this is 'we will not live with an unpleasant scary man when we can manage without' situation?