Husband’s temper

[Canyouhearme101]

I’ve never posted on here before (long time lurker!) but really don’t know where else to go for advice.

My husband has always had a temper - never violent, but does fly off the handle about things.

Last night our five year old daughter was having a carry on with him and hit him in the balls. He picked her up and flung her on the sofa, before grabbing her hand and marching her out to the hall where he screamed at her (so loud, she said her ear was hurting after) and sent her up to bed. I went straight up after her as I was so worried for her.
After, we had a huge argument as he said I should have backed him up and not gone straight to our daughter. I know getting hit in the balls is really painful for men but she is only 5 and I just can’t stop thinking about how angry he got with her.

There have been a couple of other incidents over the last few months where he has got angry at either our daughter, or our son (7) and broke a toy tractor in the garden and one of our daughter’s toys in his rage. He is the kind of person that suffers from road rage, isn’t patient etc.

When I try to speak to him about it, he tells me I’m overreacting and it’s not that bad and it just turns into an argument about how I should be supporting him. He turns it round so it’s about me, not him. He’s never hit me or the children ( I don’t think he would) but his temper is always so full on that I really don’t know what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to bring my children up thinking that kind of behaviour from their father is acceptable.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

To echo what others have said, he is violent. At the very, very least he is emotionally abusive. Look up ACES (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and the impact they have on children. Their sorry excuse for a Father is creating adverse experiences in spades. Ultimatum time - he engages with anger management and counselling straight away or you leave. In the meantime, I wouldn’t be leaving him unsupervised with my children.

Hi my husband is the same. I've turned to ss for guidance as I'm desperate. I'm crying now, it's truly awful

@Del250508 what are ss doing to help?

Not a lot at the mo due to covid. Sw was talking about taking my kids out somewhere. I'm with adult social care too as I have health problems

Im not sure what to say but can share my experience of having an angry dad. Im now 51 and i also married a man who became angry as i ignored the signs ( my mum did nothing about his temper ) . I ended up in therapy after my divorce where it came out in how scared i was of my dad and how i kept recalling him losing control on one particular night like the one your child experienced . I can honestly say living with an angry dad impacted on my adult life so much ive needed years of therapy

Do they love him or are they scared of him, and appease him to try and avoid being abused??

Never violet and yet he flung your daughter on the sofa?

Do you not understand the definition of violent?

Unfortunately you seem very blind to his behaviour and true colours

Picking up a tiny child and flinging them on to a sofa isn't violent OP?

Try asking the police that question?

Your litter girl has been violently assaulted by her father.

Poor mite.

What a horror of a childhood your children are having.

Please help yourself, help them.

He is a very bad man.

You really need to act now. Not good he is also trying to minimise and expects you to support him in that behaviour. It will only get worse as they get older and they call him out on what he is doing, because believe me they will. And bullies like him don’t take too kindly to it! Make plans to get out now. He is not a good father. Please speak to Women’s Aid. There is a lot of help out there for women in your position.

Agree with everyone else. But I want to add that he can still physically hurt the children without hitting them. In your scenarios alone....

He tosses dd into the couch but there is a phone or tablet on it which she lands on ans smashes, eith broken glass underneath her. Or she bounces off the couch and hits her head on the wall or floor.

In the garden he smashes a toy. Ds tries to pick up broken toy with sharp edges and cuts himself. Or toy is thrown against a wall and shatters, and a splinter flies into his face.

Is this how you want to live? Will you be able to live with yourself (and if hes such a "good" dad, can he live with himself, when someone is hurt as an unintended consequence of his actions?)

He can tell you that you are over reacting all he likes but you are not. If he cant see that your options are to leave or to offer an ultimatum that whether he agrees or not he has to seek therapy or you will leave.

Another one who had a dad like this OP. It caused me huge mental health problems in my teens and 20s and taught me awful lessons about relationships.

A man with a temper like this is not a good dad. Your DD is scared of him.

I have never understood why my mum didn't leave my dad. I will never quite forgive her for not protecting me.

Oh OP
I’m afraid I’m going to trot out the same as everyone
Start keeping a diary
Get legal affairs clear , tidy up money
So your homework
Line ducks up
And if you can please get onto The Freedom programme

You know we all lose our tempers , humans do . But what leaps out at me is his complete and utter lack of remorse
Or shame For what he did to your DD

It’s appalling and the likelihood of this changing is very very slim

He would have to really work on himself
Unlikely I fear

As part of the lining your ducks up get very practical
Look at money
Look at work you could do , there will be something
Where you could maybe move to ?

Rather than think ‘I cant leave ‘
Move to ‘what needs to happen so I can leave ‘

Del250508

Good luck . I hope come sept they are back

Where are you up to , have you a DVA
Is things get really bad call police
I mean it , it triggers faster acess
I did

Diaries when dated can be permissable evidence in court for many things. Keep a diary, and if your daughter is old enough to keep a diary, ask her to do it too. Dated every time.

Your poor DD must have been absolutely terrified. Please please OP get some help to end this marriage and gets this abusive gaslighting, violent prick away from you all.

I have left my ex for a similar reason. He now has a girlfriend already during this divorce process and child arrangement court.

I felt terrible and sorry to my son that I couldn't provide him with a loving family atmosphere before.
now my son is seeing his girlfriend and her daughter whenever he has my son. At least my son has a friend to play with and loves it. I was upset first time(too early to have a new relationship, how dare to introduce my son to someone without my permission, how dare to let her hold and cuddle my son under this social distance guidelines, etc).

Whenever I feel bad about it, I listen to some voice records about his behaviour and what he did to me in order to remind myself that he wasn't a good husband to me. all those times I have gone through and been suffering from domestic violence (although not involved physical attack), you know what? This is the best thing I have ever done in my life.

Please leave Op before luck runs out and he causes serious physical harm- You need to step up and protect them, you're all they have. Home life sounds bloody terrifying for you and especially your young DC- that kind of explosive rage easily scars little ones emotionally and living in fear of "D"H blowing up and terrorising you all is something you can all escape from.. Both my parents were similar and it got worse, more violent as i got older and they became chronic alcoholics.

felt terrible and sorry to my son that I couldn't provide him with a loving family atmosphere before

You see I don’t . And my head is messed up by it , definitely . One of the beautiful thing about keeping diaries , logs Etc is you have such a huge amount of back up

I have emails and diary logs going back years and years

Hard to have any regrets , when I read them

You poor thing and your poor, poor children. My husband has a temper at times too but if it was ever directed at me or God forbid at the kids he would be gone in an instant. I feel sick imagining someone attacking one of my girls like that, I honestly think I would have murdered him. Please get yourself and your kids away from this horrible man as soon as you can

I think I'm your position I would take my DD to GP/A&E to have her ears checked, tell them exactly what happened and ask for help OP. SS will be involved and will want to see you protecting DC by separating so it gives you both motivation and support while you split from him. Having that, and the other incidents you can tell SS about when they ask, on record should give you the best chance of him only getting supervised access too, seems the most sensible way forward to me.

When a parent crosses this line of emotional and physical abuse and the other parent stays silent - they are from that moment on complicit - facilitating and enabling the abuse.

If you were in a public setting, say a school and you witnessed such an assault and did nothing you would be sacked / prosecuted.

I expect your DD has already had 5 years of escalating abuse. This behaviour hasn’t come out of nowhere. It’s a boiling the frog situation for you. She has sensed, absorbed and internalised his rage, violence, toxicity, dysfunction and the tense dynamics between you.

She won’t know what to make of it and will be confused and in deep fear. She will be anxious and preoccupied. Expect behavioural issues in her childhood (either aggression or debilitating anxiety) expect these to evolve in to chronic MH issues as an adult.

If you get her out now and embark on a steady, proactive program to address the damage to date she has a chance.

I hope that for all of your sakes you get out.

When someone is impatient with an explosive temper they are controlling you all day and every day 24/7 - because you adapt your routines and behaviours so as not to spark a violent outburst.

You live in fear. Your DCs will loose all self esteem and will be unnecessarily anxious and cautious around other males / adults / authority figures in their lives.

When they are older they will not thank you for keeping the family together or hanging on a certain financial lifestyle - they will judge you harshly for keeping them exposed to abuse and hold you accountable for the emotional injuries / MH issues they endure.

What was your own upbringing like to believe that this behaviour is to be tolerated?

He’s never hit me or the children

A PP's said, he's violent, to a 5 year old. Kids are still quite small at 5 and he's throwing her, frog marching her, yelling at her.

All the PP's saying how damaging a temper is to children are right. I had to put up with walking on eggshells/never knowing when my dad would blow up. My sister and I both have problems with anxiety. I've been unable to work for virtually my whole life (I'm 43 now.)