Husband’s temper

[Canyouhearme101]

I’ve never posted on here before (long time lurker!) but really don’t know where else to go for advice.

My husband has always had a temper - never violent, but does fly off the handle about things.

Last night our five year old daughter was having a carry on with him and hit him in the balls. He picked her up and flung her on the sofa, before grabbing her hand and marching her out to the hall where he screamed at her (so loud, she said her ear was hurting after) and sent her up to bed. I went straight up after her as I was so worried for her.
After, we had a huge argument as he said I should have backed him up and not gone straight to our daughter. I know getting hit in the balls is really painful for men but she is only 5 and I just can’t stop thinking about how angry he got with her.

There have been a couple of other incidents over the last few months where he has got angry at either our daughter, or our son (7) and broke a toy tractor in the garden and one of our daughter’s toys in his rage. He is the kind of person that suffers from road rage, isn’t patient etc.

When I try to speak to him about it, he tells me I’m overreacting and it’s not that bad and it just turns into an argument about how I should be supporting him. He turns it round so it’s about me, not him. He’s never hit me or the children ( I don’t think he would) but his temper is always so full on that I really don’t know what to do. I love my husband but I don’t want to bring my children up thinking that kind of behaviour from their father is acceptable.
Any advice would be really appreciated.

So if this is the third or fourth 'incident', where is the line you draw op next time he decides to throw one of your children around like a rag doll?
When he bruises an arm or leg? When he breaks an arm or leg?
Or their back or neck the next time he loses his temper?
There's some very good advice here, please listen to it.

My 27 yo ds still has anger management after suffering due to his df's temper.
I left when ds was 7 but not soon enough obviously.

Whilst I agree with the PP
Telling OP the awful consequences is fine and will be unpleasant and shocking reading

But I think she needs resources and hope
So yes , start with the GP , great
But I still think a programme to educate and empower herself is more likely to lead to her leaving than dire threats
As she knows it’s screwed , deep down

Never violet and yet he flung your daughter on the sofa?

Do you not understand the definition of violent?

Unfortunately you seem very blind to his behaviour and true colours

@2155User this is so patronising and unfair. I imagine, like the majority of women who find themselves in situations like this, OP is partly staying put because she doesn't know how to protect her children from this man if she leaves him and he has unsupervised contact. At least right now she is there to witness, step in, offer some protection, get help of it escalates etc. What about when he has the kids alone? Instead of the judgement and sniping at someone who is in a very difficult situation, do you have any advice to offer? Can you tell OP (and other women in similar situations who are reading/commenting) how they can remove their children from this abusive environment without actually just handing them to their abuser for unsupervised access EOW? If that's not an issue you can solve either, stop it with the judgement.

My daughter is five and this breaks my heart. She must have been so frightened.

She has accidentally kicked my partner in the balls while playing, he rolled over but the cushion and then gave her a big hug and reassured her she hadn’t done anything wrong.

Please take your children and leave, they are being emotionally abused and their home isn’t a safe one. Only you can change that for them.

I've had police etc they didn't do anything just spoke to kids. What's a dva

@JorisBonson

He IS violent. Physically throwing your child onto a sofa is violent. He is not a good father.

Totally agree.

This man is abusive, he is NOT a good father. He sounds a lot like my ex, who never actually laid a finger on me (unless you count the sexual abuse) but the implication of violence was never far away.

You do need to leave, for your DC, and there will be people along with advice on how to do that. I had great advice and support here when I left my ex a few years ago.

@IWantT0BreakFree OP said he hadn't been violent, so, no, she hasn't fully registered what he's like.

This isn't a snipe, just an observation. She's minimizing it, as a lot of us do in abusive situations. Ending the minimalization and seeing what's actually happening can spur us to do something.

I left a similar man last Autumn. He was always telling me I wasn't being supportive, and after a while I stopped feeling bad about that once I understood I could never support behaviour that went against every fibre of my being. I needed my children to know that I had their back and that they had their mum on their side. I have amazed myself by leaving but will never regret it.

Please take your children and leave, they are being emotionally abused and their home isn’t a safe one. Only you can change that for them.

Again, how can OP protect her children if she leaves and is required to allow her husband unsupervised contact? You've put all of the responsibility for her children's wellbeing onto her ("only you can change that for them" - what an absolutely loaded and guilt-inducing statement) but haven't solved the problem that so many DV victims face: how to leave when your abuser would then be entitled to unsupervised access. What is the answer? Instead of piling on the guilt trip, what advice can you give about what should she be doing?

It is not okay he acts like that with you or your child

@SoulofanAggron it read to me like OP was trying to explain that he hadn't hit or beaten the children, not that she thought it was OK for him to have thrown their 5yo around. Clumsy wording maybe. But even if she is minimising things out of fear, anxiety, whatever, it's just so cruel and unnecessary to be so patronising and trying to make out that she's stupid ("do you not understand the definition of violent?" is very sarcastic and rude). It's a tone that is unlikely to make someone who is living with DV feel able to engage in a discussion, and far more likely to make them feel worse and turn away from what could be a very good anonymous support network. I am all for tough love, but it's possible to be direct and truthful without being sarcastic, patronising or rude.

I would've made him feel like the worlds smallest man right there and then in-front of my daughter and told her that nobody should ever find it acceptable to treat her like that because of an accident. I can't imagine how scared she felt in that moment , hope he felt nice and manly after doing that to a 5 year old.

How bad does it have to get? Leave before he's telling you "you're overreacting- it was just a smack."

I've name changed for this as I'm so ashamed of myself. My XH was very similar to your H. I don't leave him until my dd was 14 . My bad judgment caused her to have ptsd and other mental health problems. I've ruined her life and I'll never forgive myself

Can you tell OP (and other women in similar situations who are reading/commenting) how they can remove their children from this abusive environment without actually just handing them to their abuser for unsupervised access EOW?

My ex didn’t see the kids for six
Months after we split , due to COVID and being overseas

We agreed when we split he got the main holidays
I was shitting it when I sent them
Was dreading the tearful calls
But actually , he really bloody missed them
This country and our fucked relationship was such a major issue
I’m NOT excusing his abuse , hell
No
But he appears to have stepped up
As of course there is a shred of decency in him
Let’s see if it holds ..