Massive drop in DH libido

[MrsTombliboo]

Beet together 20 years, 2 teenage kids, happily married.

DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and would previously happily have sex twice a day if he could, whereas I've always been a twice a week person, but we've got got by with respectful compromise over the years.

Over the last 6 months though his libido has dropped off a cliff, to the point now where he is just not interested. He never initiates anymore and will more often than not reject any advances I make, not that they're often. We're now going weeks between and I'm wondering what's going on as it's such a dramatic shift.

He is still affectionate, we still hug and cuddle, hold hands on walks and kiss each other, just not passionately. He's on anti-depressants but has been on these for years and whilst this did slow things down a bit, I don't think they are responsible for the sudden recent change.

I'm worried that it's me, but when I ask him, he just says it's the furthest thing from his mind and just doesn't feel in the mood anymore. He had blood tests not too long ago for something else and everything was normal.

He seems happy enough in himself and I haven't noticed any other changes so I'm a bit stumped as to what to do next, as it's so unlike him to just switch off. Sorry if TMI, but the last couple of times we have DTD, he didn't 'finish', despite my best efforts to help out.

GP visit for specific blood tests. I.e. Testosterone and have his BP done, prostate exam wouldn't go amiss either.

Much as I hate to say it, Is there any chance he has had his head turned by someone else?

Testosterone was one of the checks they did recently. He's into health and fitness and is very fit for a man in his 40s, so I doubt his blood pressure is off, but might be worth checking. He doesn't drink or smoke and lives and eats very 'clean'.

@Dollyrocket. I hope not. He works from home and wouldn't get the chance to be honest. Not impossible of course, but my gut says it's not that. He switches his phone off when he finishes work and is sat next to me on the sofa the rest of the time or we're out walking or in the garden etc.

Hes very young too, it would be less concerning if he was in his 60's but he is still v young. Any other medication, no chance he has developed a porn habit over lockdown?
I would be packing him off to the doctor again and asking them to run more specific tests. He has to want to fix it though

Hi MrsT. I noticed you say that he's been on ad's for a few years.

I mention it because sometimes a pharmacy will give anything that their supplier sends - if that makes sense.

I thought I was going mad a few years ago but the 'makes' are different. It could be something in the coating for example. I was told this by a friend of mine who is a medical rep.

I am now prescribed one type only and I have absolutely no libido but I'd rather that than feel unhappy.

I can't remember what the different generic types were but will look for it if it helps at all.

Thanks, I'll suggest he goes back to the Doctor. From what I've seen the fluoxetine is the same brand as he's always had, but something to look out for.

He's not burying his head in the sand, he acknowledges things have changed and feels bad for me. He offered to give me oral the other night when he rejected my advances, but gently made clear he was not in the mood for anything else. It was a nice gesture, but I declined as who wants to receive from a partner who's heart isn't in it.

I'm not pressuring him and don't want him to feel bad, but would like to find out what's wrong, as I'm worried he's just gone off me. I 'notice' that he doesn't look at me if I'm naked in the bedroom the way he used to. If we snuggle in bed, I almost sense he is deliberately making sure his hands don't accidentally brush against my boobs.

God thats awful and I agree the most unsexy thing having sex with someone who isn't into it
I really would go back to the doctor as a matter of urgency as they longer it goes on the harder it will be to fix
I doubt he has "gone off you" unless you have physically changes massively in the last few months but something clearly is going on with him
Its definitely not porn ?

Any other symptoms? Weight gain, fatigue, dry skin, hair thinning?

I’m just wondering if it could be thyroid?

Also, from personal experience, vitamin deficiencies can really impact this, particularly folate.

No I don't think it's porn. We both have a fairly relaxed view on (some) porn and there's never been any taboo over it. We have viewed porn together on occasion but it's never been a regular feature of our sex life. He doesn't have a personal mobile and his laptop is permanently stationed downstairs, so I'm not sure he'd have the opportunity as we normally go to bed together at the same time etc.

Wish I knew the answer. In a similar boat.
DH is 43, kids are young primary age. I’m 36, in good shape, no longer breastfeeding or on the pill, so my libido is rocketing.
I genuinely think I’m invisible at times. He doesn’t even look at me. I feel like I’m constantly pestering him for affection. So I did a little experiment and stopped approaching him.
He didn’t kiss, cuddle or initiate sex in nearly 3 weeks. Actually, one Friday night I went to bed early. He stayed up drinking, and woke me up for sex.
I think my DH has just run out of energy. Work is full on and he’s cycling there and back. But work isn’t suddenly going to get easier. This is how it is now.

I’m considering a trip to the doctors. Have read pp suggestions.

How's his mood more generally OP? Just wondering whether his depression may have worsened/he needs his AD dosage adjusting? Worth discussing with the GP alongside possible physical causes, it wouldn't be beyond the realms in the middle of a global pandemic for his MH to suffer.

Thanks everyone.

His diet is very clean - lots fo fresh fruit and veg, no junk food so I'd be surprised if it was that.

@KickingItSince1966 Sorry you are in a similar boat. I guess I'm lucky in that he is still very loving and attentive, just not in a sexual way. To be fair to him, that's the way I've always been with him as I'm not a sexually confident person, but since his sex radar has shut down, we now just live like friends who hug and cuddle a lot.

It did bother me that the last two times he wasn't able to finish though. He just seemed not turned on mentally, although physically everything was functioning.

His mood doesn't appear to have changed. He wasn't furloughed and as he works from home anyway, there has been no real difference day to day. It just seems like he doesn't fancy me anymore and has lost interest.

He needs a medical check up as ED can be a symptom of other things

Could his inability to finish be the cause here? Ie now he’s anxious it’ll happen again, and it becomes self-fulfilling?

I'm a bit surprised that he is apparently not too worried about the situation, especially as he had a strong libido before. It is certainly not normal for a healthy guy at his age to lose interest suddenly. I'm quite a bit older than him and I'd move heaven and earth to get my libido back on track if it showed signs of declining, which fortunately it hasn't so far.

I think you need to look more closely at his meds and his state of mind, as @Hidingtonothing has suggested. It sounds as though his depression and/or stress levels have increased and that is probably the cause of his sudden conversion to celibacy.

I suggest that you accept his offer to satisfy you, I know it sounds a bit grim but I get a great deal of satisfaction and stimulation from satisfying my DW and the same may apply to him. It's just possible that allowing him to do this will reignite his own desires.

I would certainly be following up on the AD prescription

I changed suppliers of a drug I take and it turned out it wasn’t the same strength as the previous pharmacy I had collected from- over 6 months my bloods were all out and consultant decided that the issue lied with the change of brand from different pharmacy.

Obviously your dps ADs May be fine, but I’d check to make sure

Just read your latest post about him not finishing, this is almost certainly stress related and it is cumulative in that he will worry about it and this will make it more difficult for him to finish.

The usual remedy for this is to avoid sexual contact (and masturbation) for a few days until the desire returns, for most guys this would be not more than two weeks or so. The fact that he has apparently gone much longer than this seems to me to indicate that there is an MH issue here.

Thanks everyone, he is happy to investigate further and has agreed to go and see the GP tomorrow.

@Bin85 just to be clear, there are no ED issues, just a lack of interest, enthusiasm and ability to finish.

I've just checked his meds and he's on the lowest dose of 20mg, which is not very much given he's 6'5 / 16 stone. He's been on this dose for about 10 years now.

It sounds like he is down or his anti depressants are no longer helping/ making things worse.
I’m sorry I don’t know what to suggest
😟🙏✝️✝️✝️
Maybe go for a day out maybe he is stressed with all this covid stuff?

DH just got back from GP who referred back to his recent blood tests and said everything was normal.

She didn't recommend increasing his AD dose as they appear to be working for him and an increase in dose would only increase the risk of reduced libido further. As he's been on these for many years successfully, she didn't want to change them.

She did a few other checks and said that because his mood is not low and everything else appears to be fine, the only thing we could try is counselling.

I'm a bit disappointed I guess as I was hoping she could find something that could be 'fixed', but it seems like everything is okay.

I asked him how he felt about counselling and he's not keen as he says it's simply as case of him not thinking about it and not feeling any desire. He understands that I'm concerned and wants to keep me happy by offering oral or massages etc.

I asked him why he felt he'd not been able to finish the last couple of times and he said he just didn't get the pleasurable sensations that build up and his head was unable to concentrate on the job in hand, his mind wandering.

I feel a bit stuck.

Any ideas?

He made me breakfast in bed this morning, but then went straight downstairs and left it with me.

If he's not concerned, and checks out medically, I'd honestly just go with him pleasing you for now. It may help him get in the mood and at the very least be a boost to his confidence.

I'm surprised the doctor is not more concerned. This isn't a gradual thing, he has gone from being fairly highly sexed to nothing at all pretty much overnight. This is most unusual as usually there would be a gradual dropoff over years unless there is an underlying cause
I would research someone in your area who has more expertise in this area. You are both too young to put up with it without exploring every avenue

I'd say the drop off has been over the last 6 months. I think he's just not interested in me anymore. I just don't seem to turn him on. If it was a physical issue such as ED, I could work with that, but when he doesn't look at me when I'm naked and avoids opportunities to be intimate, I'm really starting to think it's me.