Massive drop in DH libido

[MrsTombliboo]

Beet together 20 years, 2 teenage kids, happily married.

DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and would previously happily have sex twice a day if he could, whereas I've always been a twice a week person, but we've got got by with respectful compromise over the years.

Over the last 6 months though his libido has dropped off a cliff, to the point now where he is just not interested. He never initiates anymore and will more often than not reject any advances I make, not that they're often. We're now going weeks between and I'm wondering what's going on as it's such a dramatic shift.

He is still affectionate, we still hug and cuddle, hold hands on walks and kiss each other, just not passionately. He's on anti-depressants but has been on these for years and whilst this did slow things down a bit, I don't think they are responsible for the sudden recent change.

I'm worried that it's me, but when I ask him, he just says it's the furthest thing from his mind and just doesn't feel in the mood anymore. He had blood tests not too long ago for something else and everything was normal.

He seems happy enough in himself and I haven't noticed any other changes so I'm a bit stumped as to what to do next, as it's so unlike him to just switch off. Sorry if TMI, but the last couple of times we have DTD, he didn't 'finish', despite my best efforts to help out.

@SapatSea

Has anything tangential happened in the past few years such as a family bereavement, feeling that he's got as far in a career as he can go, general sense of ennui with life or him appraising his life and feeling it has come up short compared to his youthful dreams, never going to be a CEO, rockstar etc? He may love you very much but is he resentful in any way about how life has turned out? Does he see you more as a much loved companion now rather than a lover? especially if you are always together at home for work and family time?

We've got our fair share of stressors and challenges like any family, but there's nothing that particularly stands out at the moment that is different than before. He has a stable job working from home which he's had for 5 years and quite enjoys - or at least doesn't hate.

@Egghead68

Sorry but cherchez la femme.

I have briefly wondered this but two things make me feel this isn't the case. He'd never get the chance working from home and he's still very affectionate and loving towards me.

@FallingIguanas

After your last update, I'm wondering if his sexual preferences (a particular kink for example) are being met elsewhere, e.g. porn. I think you need to ask him outright about this.

I'm fairly confident porn isn't the issue as he's either in his office working on his works laptop, or sitting on the sofa next to me where I can see what he's doing. He only has a work telephone which is switched off and left in his office of an evening and he doesn't have a personal mobile. We're both fairly pragmatic and ambivalent toward porn, so it's not something that would be hidden, plus I don't know when/where he'd access it.

@HaggisBurger

Hi Mrs Tombliboo. Layla Martin (a US sex coach etc) has a free E book if you look on her website that has some really fun & doable practices that can reignite the kind of situation you describe. I’ve used it in a long marriage situation that was n get great sexually so you’re at an advantage. The thing that bothers me most about what you’re describing is how looking for the solution to this seems to be up to YOU - rather than a joint effort. I would find your DH’s passive acceptance of this very unloving. It might be useful to let him know both how important this is to you and also that HE needs to take some initiative in trying new things (say you send him the ebook I mentioned but leave it up to him to then take it and run with it). Good luck! Hope things improve. X

I guess I'm looking for the solution as I'm the one who feels something is missing. From his perspective, I have sex on tap whenever I ask for it.

I have asked him whether he understands how it feels that he never initiates and he did (not in a nasty way and almost apologetically) say that he'd had 20 years of it so knows exactly what it feels like, but unlike me, is willing to try to please me, but feels it disingenuous to pretend to want it off his own back.

But.... Did you make an effort when you did have sex with your husband? Or did you take his stance of, "you can have it but I'm not going to pretend I want it?" It's not the same thing.

I think it would almost be better if he said no to sex, this seems confusing to me.

@Katiefizz

But.... Did you make an effort when you did have sex with your husband? Or did you take his stance of, "you can have it but I'm not going to pretend I want it?" It's not the same thing.

I think it would almost be better if he said no to sex, this seems confusing to me.

Unless I was up for it, we didn't have sex, hence he was rejected more often than not. I'm not sure what making the effort looks like, but I was a willing partner.

I guess at the moment we aren't having sex, unless I request it. It's not like he's squirming and looking at his watch, just that I can't help feel he's only doing it for my benefit.

Am I being too demanding? Should I just be grateful for what I have?

Unless I was up for it, we didn't have sex, hence he was rejected more often than not.

To be honest he’s probably given up. Some people are borderline with their libido, neither strong nor weak but it can veer one way or the other depending on the circumstances. Maybe it’s faded away out of lack of interest. The less regular sex is for someone the less enjoyable it becomes after a certain point.

What I mean is .. when you didn't want to have sex, when you weren't up for it, you said you didn't want to partake. That was honest. Yes, he had to deal with a lot of rejection but when you did have sex you were both willing participants.

If he doesn't want to partake he offers up some form of "I'll take one for the team" mentality, he isn't a willing participant and who wants to have sex with someone who isn't willing? Even if he puts a good face on.... if he was honest and said no then you could both face the reality of what you have to deal with. I don't think you're being demanding by wanting to keep working on this at all.

@BubblyBarbara

Unless I was up for it, we didn't have sex, hence he was rejected more often than not.

To be honest he’s probably given up. Some people are borderline with their libido, neither strong nor weak but it can veer one way or the other depending on the circumstances. Maybe it’s faded away out of lack of interest. The less regular sex is for someone the less enjoyable it becomes after a certain point.

Hmmm, hadn't thought about that.

@Katiefizz

What I mean is .. when you didn't want to have sex, when you weren't up for it, you said you didn't want to partake. That was honest. Yes, he had to deal with a lot of rejection but when you did have sex you were both willing participants.

If he doesn't want to partake he offers up some form of "I'll take one for the team" mentality, he isn't a willing participant and who wants to have sex with someone who isn't willing? Even if he puts a good face on.... if he was honest and said no then you could both face the reality of what you have to deal with. I don't think you're being demanding by wanting to keep working on this at all.

I don't think that he's not willing, more that he;'s just ambivalent towards it, or me at least.

If I asked him whether he wanted to go upstairs, he'd likely reply, yeah, sure, if you want to..... or words to that effect.

But never wants to enough to actually make it happen off his own back.

I did a quick Google search of the definition of unwilling " not ready, eager, or prepared to do something". I think he is perhaps unwilling. I wouldn't have sex with someone who wasn't interested in having sex with me. I just wouldn't. And it makes you uncomfortable. I would stop having sex or sexual activity and wait to see if he either initiates sex or a conversation about sex. Give yourself a set time, three months or six months....and then try to start up the conversation again.

Everything you've said he's got a response to. When he says he's been used to getting rejected and he's offering to do what he needs to do to meet your sexual needs?

Does he not understand that you were fully entitled to say no to sex when you didn't want it?

Does he realise that providing the mechanics of sex differs significantly from having a loving sexual relationship?

@Katiefizz

I did a quick Google search of the definition of unwilling " not ready, eager, or prepared to do something". I think he is perhaps unwilling. I wouldn't have sex with someone who wasn't interested in having sex with me. I just wouldn't. And it makes you uncomfortable. I would stop having sex or sexual activity and wait to see if he either initiates sex or a conversation about sex. Give yourself a set time, three months or six months....and then try to start up the conversation again.

Everything you've said he's got a response to. When he says he's been used to getting rejected and he's offering to do what he needs to do to meet your sexual needs?

Does he not understand that you were fully entitled to say no to sex when you didn't want it?

Does he realise that providing the mechanics of sex differs significantly from having a loving sexual relationship?

Yes, I think he does, and is offering to have sex as a 'better than nothing' but only if I want to. If I say I don't want to do that, he's also fine with that.

I'm starting to think he just doesn't fancy me any more or I bore him sexually. Maybe this is just my ego that needs checking, but it hurt a little when he didn't even glance at me as I walked round the bed naked the other night.

Does he not understand that you were fully entitled to say no to sex when you didn't want it?

He is also fully entitled to not want to ask anymore because it feels like hoop jumping.

I lost my drive a few years back for no reason at all. Been married 30+ years and had always been the one with the higher drive etc. The only difference is that I was not on ADs. I started to lose interest and although I did not know it at the time it was largely due to work stress. I had blood tests etc. as your DH has, I was willing to satisfy my DW if needed but like you she felt uncomfortable with it. I got into a cycle of avoidance which fed upon itself and made the situation worse. My DW considered her own attractiveness which I completely understand. I would dread the thought that would suggest sex and did my best to set up the evening with how tired I was or I had a headache - yes really and this is laughable now. I have always had a very good sexual appetite and here I was avoiding it. As I said I did not know it was work related but it did create a self-fulfilling spiral. Things started to go downhill at work and there was the option to apply for redundancy so I did. Oh I should say that I was offered and given ADs but never took them.

A while away from work (quite a few months) I started to pick up. My DW throughout this also change regarding sex in that she was more open and freer (is that a word). In short we became much much more relaxed with each other. My drive has never reached the levels it was at and hers has increased. With a change in both of our attitudes we are are in the best place sexually than we have ever been. It is very relaxed with a take it or leave it attitude from both of us. Sex itself has become better as there is no pressure or expectation.

Good luck