Massive drop in DH libido

[MrsTombliboo]

Beet together 20 years, 2 teenage kids, happily married.

DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and would previously happily have sex twice a day if he could, whereas I've always been a twice a week person, but we've got got by with respectful compromise over the years.

Over the last 6 months though his libido has dropped off a cliff, to the point now where he is just not interested. He never initiates anymore and will more often than not reject any advances I make, not that they're often. We're now going weeks between and I'm wondering what's going on as it's such a dramatic shift.

He is still affectionate, we still hug and cuddle, hold hands on walks and kiss each other, just not passionately. He's on anti-depressants but has been on these for years and whilst this did slow things down a bit, I don't think they are responsible for the sudden recent change.

I'm worried that it's me, but when I ask him, he just says it's the furthest thing from his mind and just doesn't feel in the mood anymore. He had blood tests not too long ago for something else and everything was normal.

He seems happy enough in himself and I haven't noticed any other changes so I'm a bit stumped as to what to do next, as it's so unlike him to just switch off. Sorry if TMI, but the last couple of times we have DTD, he didn't 'finish', despite my best efforts to help out.

I'll see if he offers to 'help me out' again and go from there.

And if he doesn't? I think you may need to take the lead with this even though I appreciate it comes with a risk of further rejection.

@WellIWash. He's worked from home for many years, not just through lock down. For us, lock down has had little no impact.

He politely declined an advance last night and was up and out of bed at 6.30am this morning.

For the record, I'm not making a big thing of it with him, more just trying to understand the possible reasons, hence coming on here rather than asking him to talk about it frequently.

He politely declined an advance last night and was up and out of bed at 6.30am this morning.

Okay... sounds like he's being an ostrich, burying his head in the sand. I'm not sure what to advise. If it were me I'd back right off but resentment would inevitably start to build.

I had this a few years ago at the same age..sudden almost overnight loss of interest in sex with my long term partner ( or anyone else for that matter) , no interest in porn ( we used to watch a little together ) and almost revolted by the idea of sex ( and I use to love it ..often!). Initially no obvious explanation, still got erections but really could not be arsed...this obviously caused problems between us and we were heading for trouble ... And then I had a mild heart attack. After treatment for that (stents) and addressing imminent diabetes , after a while interest returned..one of the medics said anecdotally that a loss of interest in sex was a possible warning sign for underlying health problems if nothing else was indicated . So..get him checked for diabetes and also ask for an angiogram to rule out blockages aa a general health check ..could save his life as well as your sex life .

Uhm ...have you considered that we are in the midst of a global pandemic? Stress is now mired in our every waking moment, even if we don't recognise it .... our economy is failing and job security no longer a thing and less of a thing since covid. Don't underestimate his subconscious and conscious fears for the future ... Men often carry these things internally and often don't recognise that this type of unconscious or internalised stress can massively reduce Libedo. X

When you enter into a relationship you offer each other sexual satisfaction in mutually agreed ways. The details might change over the years but the principle is the same, satisfaction will be available. If one partner loses interest and thereby tries to force celibacy on the other then the deal is broken and the relationship will be weakened, perhaps fatally.

Sex is a physical and psychological necessity for most people, it is perfectly reasonable to expect your DP to sort you out from time to time even if he is not aroused himself. I think you need to tell him that you understand and accept that his libido is not what it was but yours has not changed and he needs to play fair with you and not force you to become a nun.

In my view he will be stimulated himself if he pleases you - this is certainly my experience from the male perspective - so it should be a positive for both of you.

@ginandbearit Interestingly, it was diabetes that was being investigated very recently which resulted in the blood tests. Thankfully nbegative.

@Winniefred I'm sure Covid does not help, however this was an issue before lock down. Looking back, it probably started at roughly Christmas last year.

@Anothernick I'd normally agree with you, other than the last two times, especially the last time, there was no excitement on his part. He was dutifully doing his bit, but was not an enthusiastic participant, despite my best efforts.

It's a strange one for sure.

I've decided to not mention or offer sex at all for a while and see what happens.

I know I keep harping on about different ad's and you have said that nothing has changed, but have you looked at the packet and compared them Op?

One I had looked the same but the month before it was from India and the new one came from Spain.

I couldn't believe I was arguing with a pharmacist but having looked on other forums, I wasn't alone.

Local chemist eventually came back to us and confirmed no change in supplier/brand of AD in the last three years.

I did take him up on his offer to sort me out on Friday, but I called time after a few minutes as whilst he was trying his best, it just felt weird knowing he was not into it and only doing it for my benefit so was therefore not really doing it for me. I did notice that this had no impact on his own non-arousal. He understood and just snuggled up after.

Just had our first lie-in in a while and nothing. Just lay there side by side snoozing, then he noticed the time and he got up.

Thought I'd update this with my (lack of) progress.

I decided to not mention sex to ensure there was no pressure creeping in and absolutely nothing happened for the last month.

Last night I decided enough was enough so asked whether he would go down on me, to which he obliged without issue. The only problem was that I could just tell he wasn't enthusiastically into it and was only doing it to please me, which is fine, except it put me off and didn't lead anywhere, even after a good 15-20 mins.

I gave up and asked whether we could have PIV and again, he was more than happy to oblige - except it was the same situation. He didn't really seem that bothered and whilst we tried a few positions, it just felt weird. In the end we gave up, neither of us satisfied.

Not sure where to go from here as he's willing to do participate, but it just feels false. What else can i ask of him?

I asked if he still found me attractive which he confirmed and said that he loves me very much, just that the urge isn't there any more, reiterating that he's willing to have sex whenever I want within reason.

I can't explain why it's making me feel so bad and don't know where to go from here.

Just noticed your update. I'm sorry to read things haven't improved @MrsTombliboo

He certainly seems resigned to this situation. Have you asked him if he is happy that this continues long term? I'd be guided by his response in terms of next steps.

Oh bless you OP I don’t think diet or antidepressant brand is the problem here...

I'm not surprised it's making you feel bad, you are in a monogamous relationship and the only person who can provide for you sexually really doesn't care either way..... I have no idea what to suggest, except relationship counselling.

Sex is more that an action. It is a desire, a feeling, a closeness. What he is giving you at the moment could technically be exchanged transactionally from a sex worker. I don't know about you but that doesn't appeal to me. I'm sorry.

How often are you initiating? Are you 'seducing' him or is it more of the 'try having sex with me now' type?

Sorry if my message sounded harsh.... I just reread it and I think I am.annoyed on your behalf. I think the situation as you portray it sounds frustrating. He previously had the higher sex drive but you never took sex off the table.. He should be able to understand the way you are feeling at least on an intellectual level. He actually sounds quite robotic in his responses. Like he CAN function but he doesn't WANT to.... How would he have responded if you had lay down and said "I'm not really interested in my own pleasure but you can have sex with me". It's a total turn off. I know that he has the right to say no to any sexual act he wants.... But it's depressing to be left with the remnants of a sex life like this....

Manopause? I mean, it is a thing apparently

My vote is his head's been turned or he's developed a porn habit. Surely he'd come across a bit more baffled or concerned if he didn't know what was wrong. His blithe unconcern smacks more of knowing quite well what the problem is.

I can't make him 'want me' and he is happy to oblige whenever I want, so it's not like he's with holding or anything.

He's happy to cuddle, kiss and be close, but never initiates anymore.

I do feel a bit guilty now for all the years I turned him away, I never thought the tap would be turned off.

@Hont1986 I used to seldom initiate as it was always him doing the initiation, then since the change, I've maybe been initiating once or twice a week, but now I don't bother and we haven't had sex since, other than the other night which didn't feel right.

Having wracked my brains, the only thing I can think of is that he's just got bored. Over the course of our relationship, there have been times when he's commented that things are a little repetitive and vanilla, him often wanting to be more spontaneous, or try new things, but I'm not a sexually confident person and tend to stick to what I know. It's never caused an issue in the past, but has been mentioned on several occasions over the years. One thing that's always bothered me is that I've never been able to finish him off with oral in our 20 years, but I might just be clutching at straws.

I did mention counselling the other day and whilst he didn't rubbish the idea, he said that he's not sure what good it could do unless they administer a libido injection. He already knows what the problem is, he just doesn't have the urge anymore but is willing to try and please me.

But he doesn't know what the problem is (unless he's not telling you something). .. he knows the consequence of a problem ( low libido) but from what you've said he hasn't identified a cause. And identifying a cause is important .... It could be physical or psychological. He has been tested for possible physical causes? Now to maybe consider things like stress, anxiety etc.

I wouldn't blame it on boredom or "vanilla sex".... You've been together a long time and suddenly he has no compulsion to have sex at all? ..... I just think it would be unusual for this to kill his libido stone dead.

OP I could have written your problem word for word. Except, I've only been with my DP around three years. He's on ADs and I know that affects him but he doesn't seem interested at all in having sex. I tried to initiate it last night and I more or less got a pat on the head. I came downstairs to sleep. I've asked today if he's gone off me and his reply was No not at all. That was it, end of conversation

In the last few months we've had sex probably 3 times. He has issues finishing too which makes me feel even worse about the whole thing.

I feel like I'm living with a mate. I've tried talking and don't seem to get anywhere with him.

I've no advice for you but just wanted to say I know how you're feeling.

Has anything tangential happened in the past few years such as a family bereavement, feeling that he's got as far in a career as he can go, general sense of ennui with life or him appraising his life and feeling it has come up short compared to his youthful dreams, never going to be a CEO, rockstar etc? He may love you very much but is he resentful in any way about how life has turned out? Does he see you more as a much loved companion now rather than a lover? especially if you are always together at home for work and family time?

Sorry but cherchez la femme.

After your last update, I'm wondering if his sexual preferences (a particular kink for example) are being met elsewhere, e.g. porn. I think you need to ask him outright about this.

Hi Mrs Tombliboo. Layla Martin (a US sex coach etc) has a free E book if you look on her website that has some really fun & doable practices that can reignite the kind of situation you describe. I’ve used it in a long marriage situation that was n get great sexually so you’re at an advantage.
The thing that bothers me most about what you’re describing is how looking for the solution to this seems to be up to YOU - rather than a joint effort. I would find your DH’s passive acceptance of this very unloving. It might be useful to let him know both how important this is to you and also that HE needs to take some initiative in trying new things (say you send him the ebook I mentioned but leave it up to him to then take it and run with it). Good luck! Hope things improve. X

@Katiefizz

But he doesn't know what the problem is (unless he's not telling you something). .. he knows the consequence of a problem ( low libido) but from what you've said he hasn't identified a cause. And identifying a cause is important .... It could be physical or psychological. He has been tested for possible physical causes? Now to maybe consider things like stress, anxiety etc.

I wouldn't blame it on boredom or "vanilla sex".... You've been together a long time and suddenly he has no compulsion to have sex at all? ..... I just think it would be unusual for this to kill his libido stone dead.

The thing is, he willing to have sex whenever I want and will do pretty much whatever I ask for, so it's not like I'm doing without, unless I decide not to initiate. It's just the feeling that he's doing it to please me, rather than because he wants to that troubles me. I got out the shower this morning and gave him every opportunity to see me walk naked across the bedroom, yet he didn't even raise a glance.