Massive drop in DH libido

[MrsTombliboo]

Beet together 20 years, 2 teenage kids, happily married.

DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and would previously happily have sex twice a day if he could, whereas I've always been a twice a week person, but we've got got by with respectful compromise over the years.

Over the last 6 months though his libido has dropped off a cliff, to the point now where he is just not interested. He never initiates anymore and will more often than not reject any advances I make, not that they're often. We're now going weeks between and I'm wondering what's going on as it's such a dramatic shift.

He is still affectionate, we still hug and cuddle, hold hands on walks and kiss each other, just not passionately. He's on anti-depressants but has been on these for years and whilst this did slow things down a bit, I don't think they are responsible for the sudden recent change.

I'm worried that it's me, but when I ask him, he just says it's the furthest thing from his mind and just doesn't feel in the mood anymore. He had blood tests not too long ago for something else and everything was normal.

He seems happy enough in himself and I haven't noticed any other changes so I'm a bit stumped as to what to do next, as it's so unlike him to just switch off. Sorry if TMI, but the last couple of times we have DTD, he didn't 'finish', despite my best efforts to help out.

I agree with both @slidingdrawers and @workshy44.

You should let him please you. There is no downside and you may get to enjoy it. (I have a stronger libido than my DW, sometimes she does me without, shall we say, getting too involved herself. I told her on several occasions that I feel awkward about this but the response is always that she gets pleasure from knowing she can make me happy in this way. Your DH is saying the same to you).

As a longer term objective you should look at why your DH seems to be on ADs indefinitely even though there are no obvious problems in his life, apart from the sex that is. Why is there no plan to deal with whatever issues make him depressed and get him off the meds? Depression, and the drugs, are bound to impact on his libido.

Good luck!

I know but unless you have massively changed physically in the last 6 months I can't see how he could have just gone off you to that extent. Plus even if he has most men would still want sex unless they were repulsed and he can't be that if he is willing to give you oral sex.
He is not looking at you and trying to be intimate as he has zero sex drive. My friend is on hormone suppression treatment which wipes out the testosterone and he said a supermodel could walk down the street naked and he wouldn't raise an eyebrow despite previously being v highly sexed. I really would explore this further..

He's not turned vegan or vegetarian lately, has he? I say this as my DP's libido dropped a little when he went vegan. Apparently, it's a thing.

@Guardsman18

Hi MrsT. I noticed you say that he's been on ad's for a few years.

I mention it because sometimes a pharmacy will give anything that their supplier sends - if that makes sense.

I thought I was going mad a few years ago but the 'makes' are different. It could be something in the coating for example. I was told this by a friend of mine who is a medical rep.

I am now prescribed one type only and I have absolutely no libido but I'd rather that than feel unhappy.

I can't remember what the different generic types were but will look for it if it helps at all.

Yup, that's definitely a thing with fluoxetine. I've had past bad experiences with tablets that did jack all suddenly. Thought I was imagining it, but my SIL was a drugs rep and said it was definitely real and something to do with how you synthesise the drug. Some GPs are def sceptical unfortunately.

My DP is on citalopram. We've gone from days when all we do is have sex to once every 4/5 weeks? He also can't/struggles to finish, it's a AD thing I think.

I'm pregnant and asked him if he no longer found me attractive etc. He said he's just not that bothered about sex and that the best bit is cumming and it's frustrating he can't! He's still loving, caring attentive, we just don't have sex that often!

I had this with my husband, massive drop in libido because of medication... I was like you at first, if his heart wasn't in it, then I didn't want to force his hand.... But I soon changed my mind because I was going a bit crazy with sexual frustration to be honest. I've always been of the mind that your relationship should provide sexual stimulation of some sort. Not necessarily PIV, but something. I think the next time he offers oral, you should accept enthusiastically . I think you should use a vibrator or ( your sex toy of choice), together. We did all this and kept up the foreplay for me, for both of us really. It felt a little self indulgent at times but necessary. We were three years before things got better but when his libido increased then we were straight back to sex. He always said he was glad we had kept up some kind of sex life and he still enjoyed it even though it very rarely led to PIV when his libido was struggling so much.

And I think it could be the antidepressants too... I was on them for a while and it flattened everything. I hope things turn around for you.

My only reservation is that his ADs haven't changed, nor the brand.

They are to treat life long anxiety, diagnosed as GAD a long time ago. He's tried to come off them a few times and within a few weeks has spiralled into a anxious mess each and every time, so I know he needs them and can see they they are working for him when others he's tried have failed, hence the GP is reluctant to take him off them.

We're both off work on holiday at the moment so I know tiredness isn't an issue as he's been getting up between 7am-8am and mooching about the house.

Lying next to him bed now almost feels awkward.

Dp switched from antidepressants to beta blockers for anxiety.

The difference was...considerable.

Everything you've described , the not looking at you when you're naked, the avoiding touching you intimately, all of that happened with my husband. You've been together for 20 years and he's fancied you for 19.5 years , it is EXTREMELY unlikely he's just stopped fancying you overnight. My husband didn't "fancy," me for almost three years, but we are almost ten years older than then and he fancies me now. ( I'm 44 btw).

I honestly think it sounds like the antidepressants... I know you said that he's been on them for years and apart from an initial slight lessening of libido it's otherwise been fine except for the last six months. But maybe he was putting effort in at the beginning and now he's tiring of it? This is kind of what happened with me, I thought if I just kept going it would come back, I wasn't on them for long so it wasn't a big problem . I know he's struggling to come off of them but could you ask for an appointment to enquire about possible future plans with regards to the antidepressants, nobody should be on them for a lifetime, and a few years is already a long time, you need some sort of plan maybe.

Also the added stress of the last six months that everyone has faced could be a factor.... Maybe his dose is now too low, maybe it's not high enough?

I don't know, I just don't think it's because you are less desirable, I think he's just going through a tough time and I think there is a hope that it will turn around for you but you have to stay focused on an outcome you can both live with. You're too young to exist in a sexless marriage.

I’m so sorry OP.
I have no advice but I’m in the same boat. My DH is on anxiety medication which he has tried to come off for me previously but it messed him up.
He’s also very affectionate and compliments me all the time but just has a low libido.
He also has low testosterone which I’m sure doesn’t help.
I’m pregnant and it’s frustrating but assume I won’t want to have sex myself soon anyway.

I'm not sure what will happen with the ADs, He assumes he'll be on them indefinitely, it's not like the anxiety will be cured - it's how he's wired. Two sessions of CBT led know where.

Whilst I've been pondering this, the only thing I can think of is that I have frequently rejected his advances over the years due to our differing sex drives. He's never had an issue with this and whilst in the past I've sensed he might have felt frustrated at times, he never took issue with it. Due to me always have the lower drive, sex has always ended up on my terms and I wonder if he's got fed up of this?

Two sessions of CBT isn't a lot -why so few? Was he expecting a miraculous cure?

@MrsTombliboo

He could have also maybe felt rejected when you refused his offer the other night? I know you said you didn't want to do it when he wasnt completely into it, or benefitting from it but the fact that he offered showed he was making an effort? Maybe even wanted to? Your husband has been doing the initiating and dealing with some rejection for a long time. But that's not unusual and funnily enough I had a conversation on another thread where a gentleman told me it's beneficial for the man to have a higher sex drive than the woman as it makes him work harder in the relationship. So don't feel bad.

I think you have to not give up. I used a vibrator often, it took the stress off my husband. I also got him involved as much as I could and I learned to take rejection on the chin. I bought underwear, but for me , the fact he sometimes liked it was an added benefit. I don't know if you do this sort of stuff already but it helped me be responsible for my own needs , and not always rely on my husband to meet them as I had previously. It kind of made a big difference to me. It's not a problem that goes away overnight. But it's a problem that can be overcome in a lot of instances.

@category12. Sorry, not two single sessions, two differing periods of full CBT courses. The first wasn't helpful, so a few years later he tried again and it was a similar story.

@LoganberryOakley2 My needs (concerns) are not so much physical, as emotional, in that I want to know what's changed. Why the shift, why is he no longer interested? It's now been over a month since he even attempted to touch me intimately and it's just so not like him. I feel very undesired.

In my opinion the two are linked.... Aren't they? You want to feel desired and it is that sense that leads to a physical connection? .... You know all those trite saying " a woman needs love to have sex, a man needs sex to be in love"... You've always relied on your husband to initiate because he has a higher sex drive. And you're missing it, you relied on it, it was part of what you gave to the relationship. That desire he had for you. But if you take this personally then you risk making it worse. He isn't rejecting you, he's rejecting sex just now and you need to make efforts to not let it disappear for good. Because it can be very hard to get it back when it's been gone for a very long time.

Yeah but I'm with the other posters, it sounds like a brain chemistry thing to me - why not go to the GP and explore changing or adjusting his meds?
When I hit the menopause my brain and private parts just had no interest in sex, which was a PITA as I love the OH dearly and wanted to want to have sex IYSWIM. My heart was in it but the rest just was not playing ball - you could have stuck an orgy in front of me & my attention would have wandered off to the upholstery they were staining!
I went on HRT and it was as if the medics had fished a (used, good condition) libido out of the cupboard, cleaned and sterilised it, and handed it over to me. Things weren't quite as before but it was game on again. And just those tiny pills. So something quite small can have a big effect.
Oh and +1 for saying yes to sex of any kind while this is being sorted out. Well - start with "yes let's" and play it by ear. There's still the intimacy and closeness so...

I was wondering as well about the impact of COVID. My DP and I went rom a very active sex life to almost nothing over the space of a few weeks, largely because of stress and anxiety. We’re emerging from it now, but if your DH was already on anti anxiety medication to help him cope with ‘normal’ times, the impact of the last five or six months may have increased the stress to the point where the medication is no longer effectively managing it. We found it helped to detach from the news a bit, unfollow a lot of people on social media, and generally try to limit the amount of information we received until we reached a point where we could cognitively ‘manage’ the input.

I can't be certain but I'm similar age to your dw and my sex drive has fallen off a cliff. Reasons are I'm bloody knackered, there's nothing sexy about 24/7all being at home. My mind is elsewhere, our opportunities are limited and I'm always exhausted. I don't sleep well, domesticity isn't sexy and doesn't make me feel attractive. I have no time to invest in myself and have nothing else to give.

Could just be lockdown. We've found we're less into sex, were lethargic in general

He's always seemed so laid back about C19, but I guess as pretty much the sole bread winner, it might have added pressure without him realising it.

I'll see if he offers to 'help me out' again and go from there.

It’s very, very common not to be able to ejaculate due to antidepressants. Almost every AD has a risk of this effect. A friend of mine has this problem - he can keep going all night, every night and it just wouldn’t happen.

There’s a poster on the “Sex” chat on MN, and he suffers with this too. It sounds incredibly frustrating.

I know your DH has been on these AD for a long time, but it’s perfectly possible the effect they have on him is changing. Unfortunately, there is little that can be done to change it as I think there are very few AD that do not have this effect. There is one, but it’s not usually prescribed as an AD. I can’t remember what it’s called - it might be licensed for something like nicotine addiction but I’m not 100% certain. I can’t remember. It’s commonly used in the US as an AD but not here in the U.K.

I would be quite confident to put this issue down to his medication. I don’t think any amount of counselling is going to help him have an orgasm if if AD are the cause. What he said about the feelings not building up is exactly what the poster on the Sex chat forum has said.

I think you need to have another conversation with him. I wouldn't be able to accept stimulation of someone who is just doing it without actualy enjoying it or benefiting from it. I wouldnt also be able to come to terms with them suddenly not being interested in sex with me, it would hurt, I also couldnt remain sexless (I've done it once and I'm not doing it again) I would have to finish the relationship if it didnt improve within 6 months realy

Give him some space. All this sending him to the doctors and constantly talking about it won’t be helping. He may not be in a good place mentally at the moment with everything that is going on. Maybe he just needs some time and to be left alone for a while. You seem to be the one trying to “fix” this and he is just going along with it. Let him find his own way back. You won’t die through lack of sex and he has offered to sort you out so just accept that for now if the urge is so strong

I think you're spiralling into self blame when sex drives are a funny thing. They come and go in different periods of our lives.

If he's now working from home perhaps his need for antidepressants has lessened, less anxiety, less stress, so they are having a greater effect on him? There is a well documented link with antidepressants & lowered libido.