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Original poster

Does anyone else have a partner like this?

76 replies

Catthroughthewindow · 01/08/2020 23:51

I have two dc with my dh and we’ve been married 16 years. Dh has never changed what he does really, which pre dc was fine because I could do what I wanted too.
But he golfs every single Saturday - all day - and in the summer two or three evenings in the week as well. I’m no longer bothered about this as I’ve checked out of my marriage for lots of reasons. I just wondered - all those years I’ve put up with it (over a decade) is it a common thing?

OP posts:
Procne · 01/08/2020 23:53

Not in my house. We both have demanding jobs and no childcare, but we try to have roughly equal amounts of downtime and a good balance of alone time and family time with DS.

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 01/08/2020 23:54

I don’t factor dh into my weekend plans with the dc at all. Ever.

OP posts:
PinkDye · 01/08/2020 23:56

That’s really sad that he isn’t in your plans with the kids. Family days out will do wonders for the kids and be very fond in their memories. Doesn’t he like family time?

RJnomore1 · 01/08/2020 23:57

Nope, definitely not here. There are lots of womem who do but I’ll afraid I would not be putting up with that shit at all.

SugarMiceInTheRain · 01/08/2020 23:58

That's sad. No my DH isn't like that. It helps I suppose that his hobbies tend to be things he can do at home, but he's always been actively involved with the kids and planning days out.

PinkDye · 01/08/2020 23:58

I personally wish my DH would do more family day outs, he prefers to have the children occupied while he watches a movie, that’s his downtime.

I prefer to do something together, especially if the kids are awake. Can always watch movies once they are asleep that’s what I tell him.

Tricky one

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/08/2020 00:00

My XH used to work most weekends and when he didn’t, he would spend the weekend out at his hobby rather than with us all. When I called him out on it, he was quite honest and said when I asked him to do stuff with us as a family it made him angry and he didn’t know why. It was the end of the marriage tbh. Once I knew it wasn’t just coincidence, he was actively avoiding us, I couldn’t stay with him.

Weenurse · 02/08/2020 00:00

Sad that DC will have limited family time memories, but I guess you don’t miss what you never had.
Girlfriend had a marriage like this and asked her H to stop golfing, he did and read the paper for hours on the weekends instead.
Their DC developed a better relationship with their DAd once marriage was over and he had them for weekends

BlessYourCottonSocks · 02/08/2020 00:03

No. DH and I do things together. When DC were young we did family things with them. My ex DH was like yours though.

Frankly, it's why he's an ex and why our adult DC have no contact with him.

Delbelleber · 02/08/2020 00:04

I had this with my ex. He spent any spare time doing football team related stuff and I was alone with dc all the time. Relationship was dead in the water anyway.

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 02/08/2020 00:05

My dc have lots of lovely days out - it’s just it’s with me, me and my parents or me and my friends.
They go lots and lots of places... but only rarely with dh.

OP posts:
GazingAndGrazing · 02/08/2020 00:05

@MarkRuffaloCrumble

My XH used to work most weekends and when he didn’t, he would spend the weekend out at his hobby rather than with us all. When I called him out on it, he was quite honest and said when I asked him to do stuff with us as a family it made him angry and he didn’t know why. It was the end of the marriage tbh. Once I knew it wasn’t just coincidence, he was actively avoiding us, I couldn’t stay with him.
This
TheCanyon · 02/08/2020 00:13

So what are you moaning about? My dh recently joined the very identifying mg husband cycling club.

There's nothing remotely about your post that says you've challenged it?

RainySaturday · 02/08/2020 00:13

Same here OP. Kids older now and they do have a separate relationship with him to me. He doesn't want to commit to our adventures and I can happily forgo the drama of not knowing whether he'll come at all, be late, or be amenable to a family timetable when we get there. Even when we are meeting his family. He thinks we should all do what he wants on arrival and doesn't allow that there are 4 other people who may want to not do that. So I just don't invite him now and it works well. He's also very tight with money and refused 3 years ago to get DD a renewed passport saying she doesn't need it (we go abroad usually once a year). So on that basis I don't invite him on our holidays either. It works well. Really.

ARoseInHarlem · 02/08/2020 00:15

I often wonder why men who behave like this ever got married or had children.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 02/08/2020 00:20

I often wonder why men who behave like this ever got married or had children.

In his defence, I don’t think XH had any idea how intense it would be having DCs! DS1 and XH are both likely on the spectrum, but we didn’t realise this until shortly before we split up, when DS was about 12. I think he took that as a green light to check out, as it was almost a cast iron excuse to get out of anything that made him uncomfortable!

PinkDye · 02/08/2020 00:29

It’s he who is missing out. Nice to know the kids have an amazing time with you and other family members.

My DH feels very entitled on his days off as if he’s the first and last man to ever work. Doesn’t want to use his energy at all

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 02/08/2020 08:02

Yes mine feels he’s been at work all week and so the evenings and weekends are all his time to do what he wants.
My parents also inevitably end up picking up the bill for whatever we do or wherever we go. We wouldn’t have been able to do half the things we’ve done otherwise.

OP posts:
RandomTree · 02/08/2020 08:03

Your DH is a selfish man.

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 02/08/2020 08:04

My ex.....but couldn't put up with it for more than 3 years

Ullupullu · 02/08/2020 08:07

What do you do on your weekly weekend day off? (Sunday, given his is Saturday)

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 02/08/2020 08:13

Oh I don’t get Sunday off 😂
Sunday is dh’s late lie in day and then he’s insistent the rest of the day is ‘family time.’ Which is usually the afternoon.

OP posts:
peonyfairy03 · 02/08/2020 08:13

My ExH was like this he worked all school
holidays and when they went back to school would take time off. He would spend all weekends doing his sports and hobbies or watching sport. I used to have to beg him to spend time with us. In the end I checked out and he sees the kids once a month but still doesn’t do anything with them. I have a good relationship with them and they tolerate there dad. It’s so sad but I tried and I realised he was just selfish and only cared about himself.

MNX42 · 02/08/2020 08:14

No, not normal. My DH is a golfer but he pretty much stopped altogether when our first was born. I hadn't said a thing to him about it, and when a friend, in passing, asked him if he was playing much golf he said "No, it wouldn't be fair on MNX". Your 'D'H is a selfish pig.

BurtsBeesKnees · 02/08/2020 08:14

Have you ever actually spoken to him about this?

You say you've checked out of the marriage, are you planning on leaving him?