Does anyone else have a partner like this?

[Catthroughthewindow]

I have two dc with my dh and we’ve been married 16 years. Dh has never changed what he does really, which pre dc was fine because I could do what I wanted too.
But he golfs every single Saturday - all day - and in the summer two or three evenings in the week as well. I’m no longer bothered about this as I’ve checked out of my marriage for lots of reasons. I just wondered - all those years I’ve put up with it (over a decade) is it a common thing?

This is my DH. He's teeing off at 10 so will be gone most of the day. Plays several times in the week too. Doesn't give a shit about spending time as a family so we crack on without him. I don't really care anymore

My ds’s dad was like this. He didn’t alter his routine at all. Work all week, home, watch tv, pub Friday night, sport Sat morning, etc.

I insisted he look after ds when I had my hair cut once but came home to ds sitting in a dirty nappy “because it was too disgusting to change”. I think ex genuinely believes that children are women’s work. We left when DS was 2. I couldn’t see any reason to stay. I can give ds a better life on my own.

Ds sees more of his dad now because ex has to make the effort to see him at all (9 hours a week), but he has used lock down to halve that time. . Ex loves Ds in his way, I don’t dispute that, he just doesn’t see that he should be actively involved.

When do you get your late lie in day?

My husband isn’t like this, no. Two or three times a week he will get up early and go for a run, like today, and he will go to his mate’s house once or twice a month on a Friday evening, but other than that he is here and present in family life. We go on days out as a family, we visit other family together. Sounds more like you’ve just got a lodger who goes to work and just does his own thing otherwise.

He’s got a good life hasn’t he.
I wouldn’t put up with that, but it’s your choice.

I feel done with it.
I used to say something occasionally and dh would say one weekend a month he’d not play golf. That would last one month. Then carry on again as usual.

I NEVER get a lie in.

Better to get out while you’re young, rather than still be there in 20 years time resenting the life you wasted on him.

And you are still with him because.....

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here from both of you?. They pick up on the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and your golfist husband. Would you want your DC to feel like you do in an unsatisfying relationship just like yours is as adults, probably not but you are doing your bit here to show them that this is acceptable to you.

Leave him. And then you'll get at least one weekend a fortnight off. By staying you're just modelling a really unhealthy dynamic for the DC that you wouldn't want them to repeat in their own marriages.

I have heard this is a massive issue with men that golf more than with any other sport.

It is addictive for them. They can be on the course for hours, then socialising and drinking with club members later, not to mention ensuring they get their monies worth of membership as clubs are expensive.

This is so sad. But honestly, the only reason men behave in this way, as if it's OK that family life is optional, is because we let them.

DH has been a fully involved parent from day one, changing as many nappies, doing as many night feeds, doing half the childcare pickups and drop offs because I made it clear that i wouldn't tolerate any sexist bullshit.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. I seriously worry for the future of womankind if we're silently sleepwalking into the 1950s all over again. WTF happened to girl power (sorry to be so cheesy) but it feels like we've gone backwards since the 90s.

I take lie ins so seriously I refuse to have children, partly in order to preserve said lie ins. Sleeping in is not only one of the best things ever, having enough sleep is vital to health + wellbeing.

You know if you left him you might get one weekend a fortnight to sleep in? Though, he sounds like the type of bloke who would only want to see his kids one afternoon a week & take them to McDonalds, rather than spend quality time with them.

When you do have “family Arvo” on Sundays what does it usually consist of?

It sounds like you have a supportive family, so what is it that keeps you in the marriage if you’ve checked out?

What SteelyPanther said

So basically the marriage for him is purely for societal reasons (look at my wife and kids my life is perfect) and convenience (I bet he doesn’t lift a bloody finger in the house either given you never get a lie in and he never looks after his own children). You are purely there for sex, cooking, cleaning and life admin. The kids are there to carry on his all important genetics. And he has the good life.
Why are you still with him? Granted he probably wouldn’t take the kids eow, he’s too much of a selfish arsehole for that but it means you’re not dragging the weight of a man child around and one less arse to wipe.

Why have you allowed this?

I was making a point. It's only fair if you get equal time off. Does he really not see that?

He says all my time is time off. 😂

Why have you added the crying laughing emoji? I can't see what's funny about it?

How do finances work - I get the impression you dont have a say in that either if your parents pay

Why do you stay - you have checked out, he doesnt do anything and sounds controlling

@Ullupullu if you don’t know whether to laugh or cry, you should always laugh. I read it like a sarcastic emoji

My DH was champion of the dirty nappies.
And would come home from work and immediately play games with the children.
I just want that on record.

Because it’s just laughable.

My exh was the same (different hobby.) I spent years on my own taking the children out on weekends or holidays.

When we split up he decided he wanted to come back a year later and played dad of the year for a while taking us on days out but sadly it was too late for me and he regretted it.

Thanks for the adage @vikingwife - I guess i see laughing about it as making light of bad behaviour.

My dh will come on holiday and go out with us then. That’s the only time. But it’s so weird that I find it difficult to get used to him being there and he irritates me. He still doesn’t get up early - when we’ve been on holiday he’s not up until gone 10am and then he goes and sits in the bathroom with his phone for hours.

My ex husband did exactly as he wanted and all that he wanted all of the time while I ran around paying the mortgage and all of the bills, doing everything at home and working full time.
This is why he is an ex husband.
Has your husband not noticed you've checked out of the marriage or does he think everything is A ok?