Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else have a partner like this?

76 replies

Catthroughthewindow · 01/08/2020 23:51

I have two dc with my dh and we’ve been married 16 years. Dh has never changed what he does really, which pre dc was fine because I could do what I wanted too.
But he golfs every single Saturday - all day - and in the summer two or three evenings in the week as well. I’m no longer bothered about this as I’ve checked out of my marriage for lots of reasons. I just wondered - all those years I’ve put up with it (over a decade) is it a common thing?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 02/08/2020 09:35

Bit of the opposite in our house Blush, DH does loads with our DS, they frequently have days/trips away together, attend lots of sporting activities etc, had a fortnight away together over Christmas skiing, I could have gone but chose to stay home alone Grin, I am the one who finds 'family time' utterly tedious.... and DH still manages to find plenty of time for golf, cycling and fishing.

Bitchinkitchen · 02/08/2020 09:35

I do not understand why women put up with this shit. Where's the self respect? Why are you teaching your children that this is acceptable behaviour from a husband and partner?

Sparkletastic · 02/08/2020 09:36

Selfish bastard. I'd sack him off.

timeisnotaline · 02/08/2020 09:45

He’d have been an ex. Mine knows taking the kids to the park etc is great but he also needs to be able to stay home with them and get shit done. I wouldn’t put up with a husband who won’t parent.

babbi · 02/08/2020 09:50

In answer to your question OP - did have one like that - got rid - and have had the best time with DD ever since .
Made memories with her that I’d never have done stuck with him.

He visits very regularly and he and I even have dinner , watch movies etc all civil ...
But more fun without him really .

Yesterday out shopping with DD , I said dads coming over later for dinner . She said good ...I then said maybe I should have invited him to come out with us today , help choose your new things for school etc

She was horrified and said no way he would have just moaned all day , he’s right and miserable!

She’s not wrong ...
she loves him but seems to “ get “ his character

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 02/08/2020 09:54

My partner's is football. He has missed birthday and even when out youngest ds Wasim hospital at 6 weeks old, he tried to go to football in the Saturday and leave the eldest with my mum. Coincidentally football was cancelled so he turned up at hospital and tried to pretend he decided not to go. It has been a bone of contention since I met him. He always says I can go do something, but when? Between his work and football there's really not much time.

BertiesLanding · 02/08/2020 10:43

@Catthroughthewindow

Because it’s just laughable.
I'd leave him for that statement alone. It sums everything up that is wrong about him.
BertiesLanding · 02/08/2020 10:44

Sorry, @Catthroughthewindow! I meant to quote your post above that:

He says all my time is time off.

thinkingcapon · 02/08/2020 18:33

What do your children think of him......and your parents?
My bro in law is like your husband and my nieces and nephews always tell me how much their dad isn't interested in them........it makes me feel sick

Is this how his parents "parented"?

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 02/08/2020 18:47

My son says his dad isnt interested in him...my daughter is only small and doesn’t say anything about him at all.
My parents don’t like him at all.

OP posts:
DameFanny · 02/08/2020 19:06

What did you do pre-kids OP? Can you get back into that?

thinkingcapon · 02/08/2020 19:21

Why are you with him......what does he bring to your "family"? What your son says is so incredibly sad, does your husband know this?!

Original poster
Catthroughthewindow · 02/08/2020 19:22

Work wise? I was a teacher.
I’ve got no childcare for my own dc - that’s the problem. And if they are in and out of school... plus I was on the shielding list although I did go out places outside. I didn’t stay in the whole time. I don’t know what’s going to happen with that. I feel as though covid has made everything harder and it was already hard.

OP posts:
Frouby · 02/08/2020 19:24

Fuck that shit OP.

My dh doesn't particularly enjoy what me and the dcs enjoy, stuff like family farms or big parks or family orientated stuff. And the dcs enjoy it more with either friends or cousins. So I do that sort of thing in the school holidays..

But we do spend time doing other things as a family. Walks, our allotment, watching the dcs do sport events, mooching round garden centres or going out for meals. He also spends time 1 to 1 with each of the dcs.

I'm the one with a time consuming hobby, and I am enjoying running at the moment so it's more likely to be me out of the house at a weekend than dh. But if he did have something he wanted to do alone (he does enjoy mooching on the allotment) that's fine as well.

But not 50% of the weekend and 2 or 3 nights a week.

Zaphodsotherhead · 02/08/2020 20:13

I had one of these (well, similar).

For all those who say 'don't let him behave like this' or 'you're letting him get away with it' - how do you suggest you 'make' an adult change if they don't want to?

I tried the conversations. I tried arguing. I tried showing him what he was missing out on by having great times without him. I tried crying.

Ultimately none of it made any difference. He considered he was more important than me, and it was my place to facilitate his life.

He became an ex when my youngest was two. I'd had it by then.

DameFanny · 02/08/2020 20:22

The current weirdness won't go on forever - we'll find ways of dealing with covid and reducing impacts and risks. So you can make a plan - what can you do to increase your chances of getting back into teaching next year? What childcare facilities are there near you? What family support do you have? What's the housing market like? Can you pull together evidence of his earnings for child maintenance purposes?

And do you know anyone who can discreetly recommend a Shit Hot Lawyer for an initial telephone consultation?

Anordinarymum · 02/08/2020 20:25

@Catthroughthewindow

Work wise? I was a teacher. I’ve got no childcare for my own dc - that’s the problem. And if they are in and out of school... plus I was on the shielding list although I did go out places outside. I didn’t stay in the whole time. I don’t know what’s going to happen with that. I feel as though covid has made everything harder and it was already hard.
And has time has gone on the whole situation has ground you down I am guessing ?

It ground me down just reading your responses. Life can be so wonderful ....but not with him. He will never change.

everythingbackbutyou · 03/08/2020 03:03

@Zaphodsotherhead, snap - right down to the leaving when youngest was 2. Just moved into my own rented apartment (as opposed to owned semi) and life is wonderful, more so every day!
@Catthroughthewindow, if you have disengaged emotionally you are already well on the way to freedom. My stbxh was exactly the same with life divided into ‘his time/work/chores he could conveniently only do alone’ and ‘family time’. I used to get about an hour or two to myself per week if I was lucky and if I really pushed for it. For him, ‘Family time’ was code for ‘Don’t you dare go off out and make me spend time with my own children’. Dick.

Antibles · 03/08/2020 05:17

Yes. Had one of these. Different hobby. I got called controlling for trying to change him and he dugs his heels in even more. I called it a day over another issue, although this one should have been enough and was equally corrosive.

I think there's a type of man who, once the kids and their demands come along, casts his partner into the role of opponent instead of teammate. He can't let her 'control' him by putting paid to any of his precious activities. He ignores her 'nagging' and and acts utterly baffled when she leaves him. He would genuinely rather his relationship disintegrated than capitulate to the enemy. Stupid misogynist fucker.

Longdistance · 03/08/2020 05:33

I’m very sad reading your post. I think you need to get an action plan in place and speak to a solicitor. It’s very telling that your parents don’t like him. It seems they have your back.
As you’re a teacher I’m sure you’ll get work easily, even as a teaching assistant.
Btw, the amount of golf he plays...is he Tiger Woods? 🤔

BiblioX · 03/08/2020 05:46

He’s a selfish pig, his loss! The time you spend with your children is bonding and lays the foundation of their childhood memories that help create their identities...no biggie!
Men like this make me seethe but you have facilitated it, do you know why? You are entitled to being an equal partner and parent yet it doesn’t sound like you are?
My DH has changed some hobbies over the years in order to be with the family as much as possible (now he geocaches whilst with the kids or walking the dog, rather than cycling for example). He likes spending time with us all, even when kids are being tiring, I think that’s the difference.

Sevenam · 03/08/2020 07:07

Mine's just taken 5 weeks holiday (in separate weeks) to do his hobby. Didn't tell me until I happened to ask about work one Sunday night and he then told me he was on holiday the next week... Twice that happened, that I found out only the night before that he was off the next week. The other 3 weeks, I'd sussed out what he was doing by then...

Our DD and DS are grown up. He did do quite a lot with them when they were small - did have to put my foot down once or twice though.

I think we've both checked out of our marriage and we now do most stuff separately.

MsTSwift · 03/08/2020 07:12

No Dh has hobby but not when kids little and now he gets up super early so is back when kids surface. He would hate to be left out of family days!

PersonaNonGarter · 03/08/2020 07:17

Get a job.

Also it isn’t YOU that needs childcare it is the DC - so both your responsibility to deal with them.

Sevenam · 03/08/2020 12:55

Been musing since my earlier post. I've realised my H only does stuff he wants to do; so if I suggest something he'll make the right noises, but doesn't chase up if I then don't mention it again...