Husband always twists arguments around onto me...why?

[Itsneveryourfault]

Why is it that my husband can never ever take the blame for anything. It’s very easy because he never gets involved with anything so when it goes wrong it’s my fault.

I’ve really started to notice recently that every argument gets twisted onto me. Very small example I’m telling him about the mess he has left me in the house and how he does not help me, drops his coffee on the floor for example and walks off. He walks off and comes back with the child’s toothbrush and says to me something like what is wrong with you using this dirty toothbrush on my child. So then I’m left trying to work out what on Earth is happening, I’m asking for help and he is talking about me using a dirty toothbrush....it’s not dirty.

Every argument gets twisted to something I’m doing wrong. I shouted became you made me. I don’t help in the house because I earn more then you, I don’t help you in the garden because you are lazy do it yourself. He never ever ever says I’m wrong sorry and nothing he does is just his fault.

He's emotionally abusive.
I spent last night reading about emotional abuse after realising I'd spend the last week walking on eggshells around my DP after bringing up some issues ( DP's drinking and the problems that stem from it) and it somehow all being turned on to me abd me being the cause.
It's a form of abuse.

He can just never see his part to anything. For example he was arguing we never have sex, which is true. But he treats me like a slave and shouts at me so I just don’t feel very connected to him. I spent a lot of time worrying about arguments and not starting them. I’ve tried to tell him my side but he just says it’s all in my head.

What do you get out of this relationship now?

Why are you with this man at all?. How can you be helped here into leaving your abuser?

I had one of these. Apparently he never had to lift a finger in the house because I was lazy.... If you can work out that twisted logic then you are better than me!

Basically, they CANNOT admit they are wrong. When you point out something that IS wrong, then the only way they can deal with it is to make you seem worse. Therefore what they are doing is a mere drop in the ocean of awfulness compared to you.

Mine is an ex. It's emotional abuse (and it escalates).

This is abuse OP.
Please recognise it.
It is NOT OK!
Call Womens Aid today and talk it through with them.
But ultimately you will have to leave. The only acceptable amount of abuse in any relationship is NONE!!!
This is a horrible way to live.
Please don't accept this treatment.
Want better for you and want better for your DC.
What they are hearing and seeing is in effect, abuse to them as well.
It's well recognised by social services that DC in an abusive household are themselves, being abused.
Don't allow yourself or your DC to keep being abused.

You are not working together for your family in an equal partnership.

He is hostile and has total contempt for you. He has subjugated you emotionally so that you are inferior and he can punish you and treat you like a dog.

He silences you by not looking to resolve any issues or conflict but to divert and distract on to something else which leaves you frustrated. Soon you will give up expecting anything of him or engaging.

This is an impossible situation with an obstinate, obstructive, abusive man.

This family dynamic will wreck your DCs self esteem and emotional development. It will continue to drain and demoralise you so that you cannot be the best version of yourself for your DCs (energetic, attuned, positive, gentle and soothing) your DCs will suffer for not having a calm and peaceful home life.

I'm adding my tuppence worth that he is emotionally abusing you. It will get worse. Women's Aid were a great help to me, I'd strongly recommend you call them and get some support. Don't let him know you're doing so.

It's hard when you realise what they're doing

He’s not listening to your concerns, blaming you for everything, deflects, doesn’t help in the house and blames you for not having sex with him.

If there was an answer to fixing this problem it would be great. What are you getting from this relationship? Is there anything good or optimistic? If not then why are you bothering?

He sounds awful.

Soon you will give up expecting anything of him or engaging

This. This phrase is key.

They think if they shout louder and longer than you, you will shut up. And you will be put off ever asking them anything again.

You become a shadow.

He's a blamer, which is a form of emotional abuse.

Although Zaphods answered your ‘why’ question very well, I’d add that he thinks you’re just there to serve him.

Do you work? Have friends and independence? Your own money? Please make some plans to find some life for yourself.

He is abusive.

I shouted became you made me

Yes, abusers always claim the victim 'pushed their buttons.'

He could turn even more nasty OP.

So basically in his eyes nothing is his fault or he doesn’t want me pointing anything out because it’s not my place to tell him anything? Kind of how dare I when he is the boss!

He is abusive OP.
These types of men cannot admit fault or responsibility, it's too shameful to them to even consider the idea that they are anything less than perfect. They shout their partner down in order to intimidate and silence, as far as they are concerned they are always right and any criticism or even perceived criticism is considered a major attack and insult by the partner.
The amount if this happening, as seen on mumsnet is actually quite disturbing.
Us women can very clearly live quite capably alone and away from these types of men, with changes to attitudes towards gender roles and abuse, these types of men are now nothing more than an obsolete echo of the 1950s.
The law is now mostly on our side. Get out OP and live a life of peace and happiness with your children, things will only get worse until you are too battered down with no confidence or strength to stand up for yourself. Then he'll have you right where he wants you- quiet little wifey. Don't lose yourself OP, it is hard yo clamber out of that rut.
Good luck x

What’s the point if you have issues and the other person doesn’t want to engage in ways to make it better. If he wants more sex and intimacy doesn’t he understand that requires love and safety and connection. Or is it something that I should just be doing?

Exactly, how dare you.
Relationships should be about equality and respect. These men do not want equality, they want their women to know their place.

Pretty much.

Do you feel safe to directly challenge him?
Eg when he came down with the toothbrush, if you said did you actually just go looking for something to accuse me of to try to change the focus from the fact that you just walked away from the mess you made?

OP i don't think you're listening to what this thread is telling you- he's abusive. He doesn't want you to feel secure and loved and affectionate, he just wants you to fuck him and shut up about everything else, and he's wearing you down so he can control you completely. You need to leave.

@VettiyaIruken I backed down because I fear he will escalate.

He then will bombard me with all my faults.

OP, they believe that sex is what a good woman SHOULD be 'doing for' her man. It's not a mutually pleasant activity; it's you servicing him.

And no, they don't understand that if they were more pleasant and helpful you'd feel more like sex. They are often conditioned by porn to think that women are 'up for it' all the time and therefore deny them sex simply to control them.

Leave him, it sounds like you're scared of him, it's no way to live.

OP this will become the norm. Don't let this happen, before you know it you will be a subservient shell of who you once were.
I speak from experience, I was a strong, fiesty, independent woman and even I was broken by the end.
When you're in it is so confusing. When you're out of it, you will see it for exactly what it is, abuse. Please make plans to get out.

because in his mind he is the boss and you are the subordinate, you owe him unconditional loyalty, you must never question him, he is always in the right.
this is not a partnership of equals, this is a setup where you are there to serve him
I would stop engaging in these arguments

I’ve been In it for a long time, this has been my normal but I’m tired now and I’ve had enough of being blamed and faulty.