Husband always twists arguments around onto me...why?

[Itsneveryourfault]

Why is it that my husband can never ever take the blame for anything. It’s very easy because he never gets involved with anything so when it goes wrong it’s my fault.

I’ve really started to notice recently that every argument gets twisted onto me. Very small example I’m telling him about the mess he has left me in the house and how he does not help me, drops his coffee on the floor for example and walks off. He walks off and comes back with the child’s toothbrush and says to me something like what is wrong with you using this dirty toothbrush on my child. So then I’m left trying to work out what on Earth is happening, I’m asking for help and he is talking about me using a dirty toothbrush....it’s not dirty.

Every argument gets twisted to something I’m doing wrong. I shouted became you made me. I don’t help in the house because I earn more then you, I don’t help you in the garden because you are lazy do it yourself. He never ever ever says I’m wrong sorry and nothing he does is just his fault.

Basically op, he is like a playground bully. He stays with you because he gets his kicks from hurting you.

He feels nothing but contempt towards you. He is not capable of love or compassion because he is emotionally stunted. Likely a narcissist or similar cluster b personality. He will never change and cannot be fixed as he is not broken, he is just different from you or I. He is a predator.

Run.

And the times where we aren’t fighting what’s happening then? Is he happy?

He's projecting his own failures, attitudes and behaviours onto you, then gaslighting you until you eventually believe his sins are yours and your virtues are his.

@PicsInRed will he always have his beliefs and failures or will he adopt mine and become “normal” permanently. Even when I’m gone will he will he return to his initial self?

He is makes me feel like I’m the abusive one and he is the nice one.

[quote Itsneveryourfault]@PicsInRed will he always have his beliefs and failures or will he adopt mine and become “normal” permanently. Even when I’m gone will he will he return to his initial self?[/quote]
No, lovely, his initial self was an act, a mask, designed to lure you in.

What you see now IS his true self. He is neurologically abnormal and will always be like this, and will always abuse. It's his basic wiring.

He'll almost certainly put the mask back on to lure in a subsequent woman - but she'll also inevitably come to see the abuser behind the dropped mask.

@Itsneveryourfault

He is makes me feel like I’m the abusive one and he is the nice one.

That's intentional. Google "projection" and "gaslighting". He's - at minimum - emotionally abusing you.

Also google "coercive control". I would bet the house that the tactics he uses are part of an overall pattern of coercive control. This is now recognised as such a severe and damaging form of abuse that it was made illegal in 2015.

This is all very frightening. If he doesn’t love me then what is he doing.

No op. Cluster b personality disorders like his are formed early in childhood. He was always like this, and he always will be.

They learn to act early on in order to get what they want. Google 'the narcissists mask' and it might tell you a bit more. There us no 'good' and 'bad' him. Only the bad and the mask.

I suggest watching some youtube vloggers such as Melanie tonia Evans on narcissists.

Oh and it goes without saying, do not tell him what you are finding out. Or accuse him of being a narcissist (they reverse it on you). I suggest getting out asap and learning about the details once you are some place safe.

So the parts of the holidays that we shared that I thought were nice were an act. And the odd time he would play with the kids in front of me was an act. He wants me to see him as the normal one and me as the anxious one as the one who is faulty so that I stay, does he need me? I thought I needed him, but now I’m not so sure. So he acts to stop me realising he is a horrible person who really isn’t interested in these acts that make him look nice.
He is away at work at the moment for a few days which is nice!

Google 'the nice nasty cycle of abuse'
Also please read the Lundy Bancroft book, Why does he do that?
You will find you vile DH in there.

If he doesn’t love me then what is he doing
He is controlling and abusing you. That what he likes to do. That is what makes him feel like a 'big man'. You are his willing 'victim'
There are so many men out there, just like your DH.
It's actually terrifying when you look at the amount of abuse thousands upon thousands of women suffer on a daily basis.

You've now realised.
You know how some knowledge.
Have a chat with Womens Aid (keep trying, they are mega busy right now) and get your exit plan in place.
This is a man who absolutely WILL use violence to bring you back in line. Plan carefully your next steps.
Unless you are at a place where you are ready to run - like now.
Which is very unlikely.
So plan plan plan.
It takes the average abused person 7+ attempts to leave.
Make your one shot count!

@Itsneveryourfault
I grew up with a father that was abusive to my mum. It started with him yelling at her to totally berating her (calling her stupid, fat, lazy and that’s just the words I feel less uncomfortable typing) He then stepped up to hitting her. A slap to start with, then the fists until it was regular attacks that lasted ages. We witnessed a lot of this and he always would give himself a nice red mark, point to it and say “look what your mother did”. Although we were never hit, the trauma is hard to describe and explain. All 3 of my sisters were in very abusive relationships and I spent most of my life being angry at everything and everyone. I cannot explain the emotional damage this causes children. I was well into my 20’s before I was able to get a grip of my anger and learn ways to cope. I have been through counselling and all 4 of us sisters were told we had PTSD.
This behaviour is so very damaging to children.
If you fear it could escalate, run.
When my sister left her jerk ex husband, she squirrelled money away, made a plan, set a date and told only my aunt what she was doing so if anything went wrong, someone would know.

You are in a scary situation. My advise, as hard as it might be, is to run as far and as fast as you can. The damage it causes if far to great to risk staying. I promise you, it will get worse, sadly.
I hope you are able to figure it out and keep yourself and family safe x

But the 'average person' probably doesn't know about narcissists. Once you know, you can stop assuming they might change or that somehow you are the problem and can learn their tactics - so you hopefully won't get sucked back in. They really should teach about these sorts of ppl in school so that we can spot and avoid them but as is, we have to learn for ourselves.

My ex was like this, note the ex, I would ask him nicely if he'd mind washing up his cup before he left for work, I'd get a tirade of abuse because 'he'd done the hoovering a mont ago' go figure.

I even went to a sex therapist because he said I was fridgid, and my lack of wanting sex wasn't normal. Turned out I did like sex, I just didn't like sex with him.

My life is soooo much better after leaving and I still can't believe I stayed with him for so long and put up with so much abuse

I’ve had 44 years of this. If I say “Do you think you could just rinse round the utility room sink when you’ve finished pre-soaking your washing so that I don’t have to do it before I use the sink.” I get “Well you don’t always rinse the kitchen sink when you’ve finished the washing up” or some similar parry. I’ve given up now as it won’t change. I just curse to myself and rinse the bloody sink.

OP you clearly have worse problems than mine but I do so understand when you say that everything gets turned back on you. What’s wrong with “OK, I’ll remember to do it next time” and if rinsing the kitchen sink is an issue, let’s deal with that separately.

my focus is on him and his temper

This is what he wants. In his mind you idolised him at the outset and that is usual for the romantic stage of a relationship. However emotionally healthy people recognise that idiolisation isn't realistic long term and it turns into a deeper love where you both acknowledge each others faults BUT love each other anyway.

Abusive people have faulty thinking, they need admiration like oxygen and genuinely feel angry and aggrieved when criticised as obviously that is opposite to admiration.

For them to feel secure they need to control others as that regulates their feelings. The happy times are when they are getting sufficient admiration, praise or success .

However it rarely lasts long as the issue is within them. A slight at work could cause them to feel insecure which means they go home and react badly to something you say innocently.

If you want to understand more then research Dr Elinor Greenberg who studies this subject.

As a warning these men do not take well to being left, even if it feels like they hate you they can't bear if you take back control. In my case Ex H didn't have a new person lined up and he was hellbent on punishing me , through finances and smear campaign. I naively thought we could ve amicable so was open with him.Wrong, Wrong!!! as this isn't a normal relationship end. They will treat it as the biggest insult and look to control the separation.

I am several years down the line now and knew nothing of abusive partners so I hope that I can warn others so they avoid the hell I went through.

I think it's more about the control though (over and above the need they have to constantly have their ego validated). Admiration, fear, subservience, whatever, it's all good. Just so long as you know they are the almighty wise king and you, a weak and foolish pleb that exists only for their kings wants and whims.

Oh bloody hell I’ve just watched a video on sociopaths and people with anti social personality disorders. I’m living with a mad man!

From what I can understand his brain is not the same as us. The way he loves is to need something from someone so puts on a mask on order to get what he needs. The acts of love are just tools to him to keep the thing he needs. So with me be lured me in by morphing his personality to match what would hook me. He sensed I was easy to manipulate, which I clearly was. He did that because I was an emotional person and he is incapable of having emotions himself. He got power from manipulating my emotions so I have a purpose to him. Even if I was angry at him he would still be happy because he caused me to be angry. He has no idea of the actual damage he is doing because his brain doesn’t function like that. He actually thinks he is keeping me happy so that he gets his transaction. So in his sick mind this is how love works, it’s a serious of logic not emotional connection.

Just be careful that studying the pathology behind his behaviour doesn't make you think of all the things that you could be doing to 'fix' him. It doesn't really matter what label you put on his behaviour, other than that of 'abusive'.

You need to get out, not understand his motives.

He has tricked me into believing he loves me. He doesn’t love me he needs me because otherwise just like before me he was depressed and an addict and inadequate. He has made me feel inadequate as a human and a wife and a mother. He puts me off having sex, he does not come to me, I often believe it’s him who feels inadequate. He projects things onto me that I’ve never said to him. He says I make him feel inadequate sexually.
WTF. This is a mess. My children are still young and this is nor normal.

Sorry I’m a logical person. I’ve tried to fix him and it’s been impossible. He is never happy with anything.

Google passive aggressive behaviour. classic example. Arsehole !

He doesnt need you fyi. Anyone would do. Anyone that is trusting and doesn't see what he is at least. They manipulate everyone. But yep, that's pretty much the sum of it op. Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists...all very similar and when you get the gift of seeing them for what they truly are, all you can do is run. As pp said, dont get bogged down analysing. Just get yourself and the kids a safe place to be away from him, asap. It's good the kids are still young, should be easier for them to adapt elsewhere now rather than a few years down the line. As horrible as it is to find this all out op, 10 years from now you'll be bloody glad you did. You've been given a chance to break free before wasting your life with a monster, incapable of human love and kindness and intent on shitting on you (and the kids) in order to feel... anything.

You are starting to see the light so you know what you need to do now xx he is away so it's perfect for gathering all evidence you need to kick his arse to the kerb and divorce him.