Husband always twists arguments around onto me...why?

[Itsneveryourfault]

Why is it that my husband can never ever take the blame for anything. It’s very easy because he never gets involved with anything so when it goes wrong it’s my fault.

I’ve really started to notice recently that every argument gets twisted onto me. Very small example I’m telling him about the mess he has left me in the house and how he does not help me, drops his coffee on the floor for example and walks off. He walks off and comes back with the child’s toothbrush and says to me something like what is wrong with you using this dirty toothbrush on my child. So then I’m left trying to work out what on Earth is happening, I’m asking for help and he is talking about me using a dirty toothbrush....it’s not dirty.

Every argument gets twisted to something I’m doing wrong. I shouted became you made me. I don’t help in the house because I earn more then you, I don’t help you in the garden because you are lazy do it yourself. He never ever ever says I’m wrong sorry and nothing he does is just his fault.

This all makes a lot of sense. He will get me to buy my own gifts for birthday and Christmas. Then he will say see how much I love you because I spent money on you. We would get into arguments because I would say it’s the thought that goes into it not the amount. He had no idea what to buy me himself that would actually mean something to me. He would always expect something in return for his purchase. With the sex also I used to say it’s not just an event to do it’s about connection. I have never felt his connection and that feeling like someone has your back.
I’m suffering from terrible anxiety when he is around, I have known something hasn’t been right for a long time but didn’t know what. Thank god I kept my part time job, I almost gave it up because of the anxiety. I hate leaving the kids with him when I go to work because he doesn’t look after them.

Please try to organise and leave as soon as you can. Your children will be affected by this style of parenting, which may affect their choices/ chances in life. Professionals call them ACES. Adverse Childhood Experiences. I am a health visitor and have witnessed this many times and see the havoc later when these children go on to have their own families

How does he feel about his own flesh and blood? Could he be manipulating them also. He seems to want there adoration all the time but he doesn’t help me with them.

Yes, he can manipulate his children.

They tend to be fine with the children whilst the children are young and adore them uncritically. Once the children get older and more challenging, they sometimes just refuse to acknowledge their own children and will ignore them completely.

Just think what that can do to a child.

@Zaphodsotherhead

Yes, he can manipulate his children.

They tend to be fine with the children whilst the children are young and adore them uncritically. Once the children get older and more challenging, they sometimes just refuse to acknowledge their own children and will ignore them completely.

Just think what that can do to a child.

This. They're great with kids not necessarily with the actual work, mind who dont have their own opinions other than "daddy is big and marvellous". As the kids get older and have their own likes and dislikes, their own political opinions, their own preference for a career etc, which may clash with this type of parent's own views - they can be very nasty to the children, indeed. They don't want real people, they want mirrors. Flattering ones.

He buys them toys a lot but shouts at them when they aren’t grateful. Sometimes they are rude because they are just children. They expect toys all the time now and when I say no they say oh daddy will buy it for us. He won’t help with the raising of them. He won’t do any discipline that’s all my job. He says it’s because he works more so he wants the time he spends with them amazing.

He basically wants me to be the bad cop when this should be shared.

Oh my god please leave

What a man 🤬🤬🤬

Just awful so sorry

Please please leave

@Itsneveryourfault

How does he feel about his own flesh and blood? Could he be manipulating them also. He seems to want there adoration all the time but he doesn’t help me with them.

It may be the case that they aren't people to him. They are props. That their role in his life is to worship him and nothing more.

Essentially they see their own children as extensions of themselves. There to parrot them and to fulfil their agendas. But when the children start to question them or display independent thought, splitting occurs (when the narcissist sees a person as 'all good' or 'all bad' based on current situation alone).

They may even pick a faverote child (golden child) to play off against another (the scapegoat). Or sometimes the partner fills one of those dynamics (then the children are played off against their parent).

He doesnt sound right for you.