Husband always twists arguments around onto me...why?

[Itsneveryourfault]

Why is it that my husband can never ever take the blame for anything. It’s very easy because he never gets involved with anything so when it goes wrong it’s my fault.

I’ve really started to notice recently that every argument gets twisted onto me. Very small example I’m telling him about the mess he has left me in the house and how he does not help me, drops his coffee on the floor for example and walks off. He walks off and comes back with the child’s toothbrush and says to me something like what is wrong with you using this dirty toothbrush on my child. So then I’m left trying to work out what on Earth is happening, I’m asking for help and he is talking about me using a dirty toothbrush....it’s not dirty.

Every argument gets twisted to something I’m doing wrong. I shouted became you made me. I don’t help in the house because I earn more then you, I don’t help you in the garden because you are lazy do it yourself. He never ever ever says I’m wrong sorry and nothing he does is just his fault.

He is trying to get me to go and get professional help for my lack of sex. It’s not sex I don’t want it’s just with him.

He doesn't want sex and intimacy, he wants to be pleasured by you, he doesn't care about your pleasure, you are there to service him

Oh OP, this is abuse - even more than emotional abuse as he scares you with his shouting.

We can diagnose him all we want but that is no help to you now. Suffice to say, he will not change - ever. You could read hundred and hundreds of posts on here and indeed on every other women's forum in the world and they will all conclude - he will NOT change. So you can stay one more day; one more month; one more year or one more decade trying to change him or hoping he will change - and one day, the scales will fall from your eyes and you will realise, it is not you, it is him and he will NOT change.

Now, to the really important part, how practical is it for you to leave?

1. Do you have some place to go
2. Do you have children
3. Have you a friend or family member who can come and collect you?

DO NOT tell him you are thinking of leaving - he lost all rights to the "be kind" ethos as soon as he started abusing you.

Then you need to leave him. You are scared of him. That's no way to live. You deserve better.

I know leaving isn't easy. 'LTB' is so easy to say but there is help and support out there to assist you.

You don't need to stay with this man OP.

Maybe you should go and have some counselling -ALONE - to help you find yourself again and sort out a way to leave him, if that's not clear.

He's abusing you.

You do not deserve this treatment.

You will not get a single satisfactory answer to any of your questions about his behaviour, because other than "he's abusing you" there simply isn't one. You don't understand his behaviour and expectations because you are not abusive. Your mind works in a non-abusive way.

Speak to womens aid
speak to rights of women they offer free legal advice to women in your position.
Do you have a job?
Tell close friends and family so you get a support network in place.

I really would look at leaving.

Why doesn’t he find another women to service his needs of I am so terrible.

Because then he wouldn't have that stick to beat you with.

It's not about the sex. It's about control. He controls you. If he sees that control slipping, even a little bit, he may get very angry and violent.

This is a person who cannot tolerate a relationship of equals he has to be in control and he will always seek to dominate.

Why would he go to all the trouble of training up (crushjng) another woman when he's got you?
He criticizes you because he wants you to feel always in the wrong, it's a way of keeping you permanently off balance so that you can't see through him.
This isn't necessarily a consciously thought out strategy it's the way he instinctively operates.

So he uses the fact we don’t have sex as something to use against me. He knows when he brings it up it upsets me because he will not enter into a discussion and I honestly for a long time believed I had a fault. Now I realise I just really love him, I do it out of fear. Does he bring it up to make me feel small?

I used to feel grateful that he put with faulty old me and that no one else would put up with me.

Yes, OP, everything he does and says is about making you feel inferior, confused, unhappy, bewildered, frightened. Women's Aid will help you see things more clearly and understand. They will help you to build your strength up and become yourself again.

No OP he brings it up because you are not doing it with no questions asked.
His script is
I want sex, sort me out, with no resistance.
If you wanted to be completely honest, it's sexual coercion is what it is.
I'll bet my last dollar you've done it on numerous occasions to keep the peace or calm his moods. Or just simply given in.
This is no way to live.

Making you feel small makes him feel bigger and more powerful, he doesn't care about how you feel he's only interested in how he feels and he wants to feel powerful and in control
For that to happen you need to be weak and easy to exploit, predators are drawn to the type of prey that they are best able to exploit.

OP this is a free link to a book which explains what you're going through, it's abuse and the first step to breaking free is understanding it. In particular the chapter 'Types of Abusive Men' will be an eye-opener, you will find your husband described to a tee www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Yes we have had sex on many occasions because I felt bad and that I just should. He has confused me how love actually works.

In fact and this sounds really terrible but I had kids because he said I should and that I wasn’t a proper wife if I didn’t give him them. I have done many things not because I wanted to but because I was made out that I should. I clean the house because that’s what a wife does and because if I didn’t I wouldn’t be a proper wife who loved her husband.

Or I did things because I was afraid.

I can’t live like this, I can’t give my children the energy I want to. All my focus is on him and his temper. I love my children more then I love him.

Call womensaid. Though it's hard to get through at the moment

Keep trying though, you need to get rid of this man.

I have family I can go to. I’m going to end up in trouble if I stay because I’ve had enough and I’m answering back and his threats are worse and he is angry all of the time.

This will escalate quickly. You are not allowed to answer back.
If he becomes violent, please call the police immediately. And press charges.
I never did as I felt sorry for him. Looking back, I should've directed that sympathy at myself.

So basically he has never loved me. He has just seen me as a means to get his needs met. He gets angry when there is a threat to his needs? I have loved a man who tricked me. When I think of it I don’t even think love has really been in our relationship. I’ve been very confused and scared and done as I am told, tried my best to get him to love me and respect me. It’s not going to happen, it’s been long enough.
I idolised him when we first met, I wanted to be like him. Confident and out-there. He is not someone I idolise now!

Love is an emotional attachment, but not all emotional attachments are loving and kind.
This man is emotionally attached to you but it's an attachment of wanting to possess and dominate, that's how I'm inclined to see these kinds of things.