Help me understand .. controlling?

[Totem50]

I've become increasing unhappy in a 4 year marriage with DW, although we've been together over 4. Its been sexless for a while and I'm trying to get to the bottom of some of the underlying issues.

I'm wondering whether I've allowed a parent-child dynamic to evolve and over the past year I've been getting therapy to improve my assertiveness. But I'm just wondering whether no matter how much I change.. I can only change how I react to a situation.

Having dinner my DW asks if I wanted an drink. I said yes, and asked if I could have it in a specific glass - a cut glass one. I explained I was going to have an alcoholic drink after so I wanted a nicer glass and that I would just use the same glass for both drinks. She brings the drink in a standard cheap glass. So trying to be more assertive I stand up and go and replace it. I explain and say that's not what I wanted. That then begins a tirade of criticism... she becomes aggressive saying she doesnt like me using those glasses as you have to wash them up by hand... I'm just being awkward etc

Its petty and minor I know. But I'm wondering if it defines a dynamic in our relationship. In the space of an hour I was criticised for three separate things..

I really dont understand why she was so controlling over what glass I used. It didnt affect her, I do the washing up anyway. Can someone please help me understand this...

Sorry... together over 10 yrs

There’s a bit too much to unpick here: a sexless marriage, a potentially controlling dynamic.

The glass incident could be perceived as a petty squabble typical between any couple in my honest opinion. What else has your wife done/what else has happened between the two of you to make you think there is a parent-child dynamic at play? What behaviour led to you seeking support with being more assertive? Some more examples would be helpful.

I think I've realised for a couple of years that's something wasnt right wrt to closeness and sex. It started causing me a lot of stress. I was burying it a lot and it was getting to me. I was also going through a stressful time at work. My GP suggested counselling so I gave it ago.

Its everything to be honest. How I roll the toothpaste isn't the correct way. When i do the ironing I fold it the wrong way. I put the rubbish out incorrectly. Its everything.

I just dont understand why... standing up for myself a bit just makes it worse. I'm an avoident type so it's hard to be more assertive.

Over the past few years I find myself less attracted to her and hence the lack of sex.

Come on... you aren’t posting because of the glass...
Who caught your eye?
I don’t buy that the things you “do wrong” you would just tolerate..
Truth time..?

Huh.? You suggesting I'm having an affair and the glass is just a reason to leave?

How are things at home?
Do you both work?
Do you have children?
Who does the majority of the cooking, cleaning, household management?
If one person does more of this general stuff than the other, then the relationship can develop more into a parent/ child dynamic.
That sucks for everyone.

Home life stressful. Bickering.
We both work pretty stressful jobs
No children.. we dont have sex
I do probably 70%...
She would disagree - like before lockdown I would do the shop each week (like I'm 100% convinced I know I do the shop). If there was an issue with the shop like I'd bought the wrong item say, would say "I do it every week so if you're not happy with what I buy then do it yourself". She then replies that "you've literally done it one week".. but I know I havent. Its not worth arguing

What kind of dynamic did you grow up in?

Also why are you fussing about cut glasses?

OP, you seem very self-absorbed. Your narrative is all "me, me, me. Oh, and her. me, me, me..."
A relationship involves two people, but I see very few hints that you consider at all your wife's perspective, her emotional state, her motivations, her thought process...
I'm not saying that makes you the bad guy, and her the good guy. Maybe she is overbearing and overcritical, and as a result you have stopped empathising with her and have retreated "inwards" (very sorry if that's the case!)

Or maybe you never empathised, and that's what drove a wedge in your relationship? Do you generally try and see the world through other's people's eyes? Do you find it easy, or hard? If you've always found it hard, there maybe things about you that you don't realise: e.g. mild autism?
Also I found the way you presented your thought-processed in your post very "logic-focused", and yet the logic (regarding the type of glass? and the way you felt you had to explain why it mattered to you?) didn't make too much sense to me. Again, that reminds me of ASD.

I am struck by your mention of a 'standard cheap glass'. Sounds like you put value on using expensive fine things. Like you think you deserve the best.

Also who does the washing up? Your wife thought you were being precious and didn't want to have to wash your posh cut glass by hand.

Ok you do the washing up, sorry.

Unusual. For various reasons I spent my whole childhood at boarding school - I'm not from a rich family it was paid for by another party. I was very young when I went. I didn't have a close relationship with parents. I learnt to get my head down and get on with things. I was fully independent by 18. I've never lived with my parents.. i remember them arguing a fair bit.

I think that's really unusual and very hard for a child. Maybe you just need to change the way you both communicate. If you had said:

Thanks, love, for the offer of a drink. I know it's a faff but I really fancy using one of our crystal glasses, because using them cheers me up. I will wash it. Thank you my beautiful.

Maybe you did.

Or when you got up to change the glass say:

I know it's a faff but I really want to have the cut crystal one.

And kiss her on her head as you walk by her.

What do you think of that?

Jaysus! The guy is hauled over the hot coals for wanting a decent glass to drink a non-alcoholic beverage to later use for an alcoholic beverage. Logic, yes. ASD, no! Then it goes on to 'deserving the best'. 'scuse me, but doesn't everyone have their own values and self esteem? Should we all strive for a straw?! The finale, the washing up. The OP already stated he does the washing fecking uppers! Seriously?

I mean the thing that strikes me about the situation you have outlined is that you do not have kids. After kids many marriages go toxic just for the lack of time together and demands of kids, effect on libido of birth and breastfeeding.

But you have not had this change to your marriage. What happened four years ago? Was your physical life mutually satisfying? Are you planning on kids?

Oh no I definitely dont like the finer things in life. I was born into a working class family and have worked my balls off to get where I am today. It was simply that I was going to have a whiskey after dinner, and thought it was pointless using two separate glasses. I just dont understand why someone would care so much about something that doesnt really impact them.. all I can think is that she is disappointed with other aspects of the relationship and so it's more of a venting rather than controlling

Yea I've been very inwards in my relationship. I've found it hard opening up - I think my upbringing has probably led me to be good at just bottling it and getting on with things. Over the past 18 months I've started raising how I feel more with my wife. And yes I tried to ask her how she felt and why she didnt want to have sex with me but she doesnt say. She thinks the relationship is normal.

I'm really logical in how I think. I'm a scientist and it's how i look at the world. But i do think I'm empathetic. I help my family out a lot and even at 18 i was supporting my parents and siblings practically and often financially. AMaybe less so with my wife of late. I've grown resented and we've both been withholding romance for 6 months now.

What were the drinks out of interest? I would have had my non alcoholic in a standard glass, then saved clean crystal for my Port.

Totem sorry if I have been abrasive!

I want kids. She has never shown much interest but now the relationship is strained she say she wants them before its too late. She is career focused and works away alot. She travels during the week. She had a parent get very sick about 5 years ago.. as the youngest child with no family of her own it fell to her to support her parents. It was very sad an ultimately the parent died. During those years that's when the intimacy started waning. Simply because we never saw each other. She has told me she has no regrets as to the time she spent with them.

About the 'finer things' perhaps your wife doesn't understand cos she doesn't drink whisky? Or it could be anxiety on her part about not using and thus potentially damaging the 'best' glasses. My mother never used her beloved wedding dinner service because it was the best.

Or does she dislike you drinking?

I think it hurts you that she didn't just indulge your quite reasonable request. In marriage we are meant to want to spoil our beloved and think of course he can have the cut glass. For example, I hate hate hate having overhead lights on in the living room in the evening and have to go round putting our ridiculous number of lamps on. My husband couldn't care less, but he knows I cannot relax til it's done and he will often do it for me, and I love him for that.

Other ideas: (sorry am suffering insomnia)

Menopause can really affect a woman's libido. Could that be an issue?

I think you both need to open up and talk in a neutral space, like Relate.

Geppilli... no problem. I know the actual incident isint the issue. I guess I'm trying to understand why she couldn't just let me drink out of the glass i wanted to. I asked politely and explained why (just water and then after dinner use the same glass for a whiskey)

I think it's unhappiness with me or maybe a power play. Just dont know

That's v interesting, Totem. Re her loss of a parent. I lost my DM four years ago and my DF died April 26 in lockdown (why I am insomniac) It's utterly devastating. After my mother died, my libido plummeted and is not fully back to normal.

It also sounds like actually you have not had much quality time together because of her working away and her parent's illness. Do you have any good times together?

Yea I've told her we need to go to counselling. But months have gone by and nothing has happened. Because I do a lot of the house admin I had hoped she would have picked it up but after she agreed months ago nothing further has been said.. maybe she is scared of the outcome but she never tells me how she feels. I wanted to find someone I could work with so would rather go private than Relate.