Help me understand .. controlling?

[Totem50]

I've become increasing unhappy in a 4 year marriage with DW, although we've been together over 4. Its been sexless for a while and I'm trying to get to the bottom of some of the underlying issues.

I'm wondering whether I've allowed a parent-child dynamic to evolve and over the past year I've been getting therapy to improve my assertiveness. But I'm just wondering whether no matter how much I change.. I can only change how I react to a situation.

Having dinner my DW asks if I wanted an drink. I said yes, and asked if I could have it in a specific glass - a cut glass one. I explained I was going to have an alcoholic drink after so I wanted a nicer glass and that I would just use the same glass for both drinks. She brings the drink in a standard cheap glass. So trying to be more assertive I stand up and go and replace it. I explain and say that's not what I wanted. That then begins a tirade of criticism... she becomes aggressive saying she doesnt like me using those glasses as you have to wash them up by hand... I'm just being awkward etc

Its petty and minor I know. But I'm wondering if it defines a dynamic in our relationship. In the space of an hour I was criticised for three separate things..

I really dont understand why she was so controlling over what glass I used. It didnt affect her, I do the washing up anyway. Can someone please help me understand this...

@getsomehelp - at least read the OP's posts. It's easy now!
She doesn't do everything.
She knows he does the dishes.
He DID get up and get his own glass without any fuss.
No they don't have kids.
RTT!

Hells bells- what the op said and what we can glean from reading between the lines are two different things!

He says he does the dishes but she says the nice glass will be more bother when washing up. If she didn’t do the washing why woukd she care, it makes no sense? Therefore she does appear to do the dishes.

He didn’t get up and get a glass without fuss, he nipped at her for not getting the correct glass out.

@Elieza it could also appear the wife is being controlling & irrational over the glass, not wanting the Op to use the nice ones but not saying as such, but making it about washing up, so being passive aggressive.

Plenty of people have a preferred cup! When I visit family will still know which cups my mum & dad take their tea / coffee in, they like different ones. Refuse to believe wanting a particular cup makes you controlling, especially if as Op says they do wash up & their share of chores.

I was doing the washing up (we had already agreed as my wife had to log on and do some work that evening)

I didn't snipe at her. I stood up and said I would change it. I didnt do it rudely. It was at this point she got angry

I've listened to all the points.. I've come to the conclusion that in an isolated case its probably not that controlling. And yes if we were having passionate sex most evenings then it's probably something I would overlook.

She is clearly disappointed/ angry with me for other stuff in the relationship and this was a vent... she needs to tell me why she is unhappy and not hide behind these anger vents

Hi OP. From experience, when you start bickering about little things... it's usually because you're both not saying what needs to be said and so the frustration causes people to fly off the handle over minor things.

Maybe she'll be relieved if you sit her down and express how you're not feeling emotionally and physically satisfied in your relationship. I'll be shocked if she's not feeling the same way.

It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage has to be over. Relationships are constant work and I defy anyone who says otherwise. The current pandemic situation probably hasn't helped things either.

Be honest and tell her how you honestly feel and go from there.

I'm currently reading 'feeling good together' by David D Burns. I'm not really one for books like this. Techniques designed to improve communication skills and dealing with different personality types. I know your a scientist so it may not be your thing. I'm picking up a good bit from it. Evaluating myself first without blaming the other person and it moves on from there