I think I have realised I don't really like sex with men

[smallskylight]

I am middle aged and, when I think about it, I have only enjoyed sex with one man. I loved sex with him because he spent so much time touching and caressing and really enjoying my body. He clearly loved women's bodies, and he was clearly very aroused by touching me like that for that length of time. It made me realise most men are not like that, or at least not the ones I have been with. They lose their erections if they spend too much time touching and pleasuring me. Maybe I have been very unlucky, but I have probably had sex with up to 20 men. He's also the only man I have enjoyed penetrative sex with. Normally I get nothing out of this at all. TBH I find it boring. I think I enjoyed it with him because I was so aroused by the time we got around to penetrative sex. But even then I don't orgasm from it. The last two guys I had sex after him were awful. And kinda made me realise just how much I don't enjoy sex with men. I don't like sex where they seem to think my pleasure is entirely centred in my genitals, and if they move quickly after a snog to lick and rub that, then that is all they need to do.

Does anyone else feel like this? TBH I am wondering whether or not to bother trying to find a man to have a relationship with. The thought of crap sex just puts me off.

I grew up in the 70's, where porn was mostly accessed via still images in magazines (most people where I lived didn't even have video recorders until much later). Although the boys talked and laughed about 'banging' and 'grabbing girls', this was more taked about than performed. My exchanges with men when I was younger was more a case of 'the blind leading the blind', inexperience and fumbling (sometimes dressed up as 'I know what I'm doing'.

As time has gone on I've found men more conditioned by movie porn. My last XP's sexual experience was almost entirely via porn movies and, whilst he understood that most of the more extreme stuff wasn't enjoyable, it didn't stop him wanting every sexual experience to resemble a porn shoot. Multiple positions, lots of moving about hours of jackhammer sex - even when I tried telling him that I didn't find that enjoyable, it was something he saw on EVERY SINGLE FILM and therefore it must be me that was at fault.

The thing is as a parent who never watches porn, how do you educate your children about something you know nothing about? In addition, teenagers do not want by and large to talk to their parents about sex. It’s not as simple as ‘parents should educate their children’.

The thing is as a parent who never watches porn, how do you educate your children about something you know nothing about?

You must have had sex to make them

The point is sex is not the same as porn.

I’ve just read this whole thread - a lot of ground has been covered here. It’s an interesting thread!

I think the way we educate Young people about porn is just all about consent and respect. A person cannot go wrong if they always seek consent and show respect IRL regardless of what porn they watch.

As for the OP, Are you bi-curious @smallskylight or just fed up with crap sex?

My sexual history has evolved. I no longer have any interest in casual encounters, not that I ever had much of an interest! But I do think it’s not as straightforward as it was for me before! BDSM has become mainstream & that makes me feel vulnerable as a woman who isn’t into that with a guy I’m being casual with - I get that it can be part of a loving relationship but there are examples on this thread of people imposing it on others as though it’s the norm.

I’m interested in this:

Basically men want casual sex more than women, and vary in how well socialisation moderates their pursuit of it

I suppose there are hormonal differences etc but surely men need lots of loving sex too. I’ll lose all faith in men if I think of them as porn-watching, casual-sex seeking fiends ... even though my male friends have often happily told me this is the case!

I need to believe a lasting loving relationship is possible with a man.

I suppose there are hormonal differences etc but surely men need lots of loving sex too. I’ll lose all faith in men if I think of them as porn-watching, casual-sex seeking fiends ... even though my male friends have often happily told me this is the case!

Of course men like and need loving sex - to varying degrees according to the individual of course, just like women.

What seems really weird to me here is that you seem to assume the two things are mutually exclusive. You can have EITHER casual sex OR loving sex, and if you want the former it must mean you don't want the latter.

A lot of women say things like this about men, for example when they think because their husband looks at and desires other women he mustn't really love them, or whatever. But that's not how it works. The two tendencies are perfectly capable of co-existing.

The way I look at it is like food. Would I rather have a long relaxed gourmet meal at a five star restaurant with good company, or stuff my face with a cheese sandwich on the way to the train because that's all I can manage at the time? Well, the former, obviously. But on the many occasions that for whatever reason that experience is not available, I still need to eat. My appetite doesn't just disappear until the next time it becomes possible.

For most women, it seems like if they can't have the restaurant meal they'd rather just wait until they can. I had a look at that thread about orgasming that was linked earlier in this one and it gives some clues why. Genuine casual sex (ie ONS rather than ongoing FWB) is often completely unsatisfying for the woman. The man is not invested in caring enough about the woman's pleasure to take the time and care to deliver it, and even if he is he probably struggles to work out how without repeated experiences getting to know her. For men, being satisfied by a ONS on a very basic level (ie, cumming) is much easier. And then you've got all the other factors like men being stronger and more likely to be violent, so you've got to consider whether the guy whose home you're going back to might actually be a maniacal axe murderer.

Very true.

A lot of women say things like this about men, for example when they think because their husband looks at and desires other women he mustn't really love them, or whatever. But that's not how it works. The two tendencies are perfectly capable of co-existing

This is fair enough because for me, they are. I enjoyed casual encounters in the past but never I desire other men when I’m in a truly satisfying relationship. I think some men don’t either.

*I never