I think I have realised I don't really like sex with men

[smallskylight]

I am middle aged and, when I think about it, I have only enjoyed sex with one man. I loved sex with him because he spent so much time touching and caressing and really enjoying my body. He clearly loved women's bodies, and he was clearly very aroused by touching me like that for that length of time. It made me realise most men are not like that, or at least not the ones I have been with. They lose their erections if they spend too much time touching and pleasuring me. Maybe I have been very unlucky, but I have probably had sex with up to 20 men. He's also the only man I have enjoyed penetrative sex with. Normally I get nothing out of this at all. TBH I find it boring. I think I enjoyed it with him because I was so aroused by the time we got around to penetrative sex. But even then I don't orgasm from it. The last two guys I had sex after him were awful. And kinda made me realise just how much I don't enjoy sex with men. I don't like sex where they seem to think my pleasure is entirely centred in my genitals, and if they move quickly after a snog to lick and rub that, then that is all they need to do.

Does anyone else feel like this? TBH I am wondering whether or not to bother trying to find a man to have a relationship with. The thought of crap sex just puts me off.

[Blokenamechangesexboard]

I will disagree with (b). Leastways that was not my experience. I became an adult in the early 90s and I can't remember not knowing that plenty of what gets termed foreplay was what made a good lover. My friends all knew this too.

I think even then most men knew this but a good proportion just didn't give a shit. Which is quite different to your view of honest ignorance.

No one will get what they want by being passive, and that's the real problem.

[FifteenToes]

Maybe it's because I'm older.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

Based on that, I think the great sex guy made love like a lesbian

I had one of those once, I think his 25 years of studying lesbian porn helped 😂

[Daydreams]

[Blokenamechangesexboard]

That was a very interesting post btw fifteentoes.

[Planbforme]

it was because I'd lost the ability to respond spontaneously and joyfully to sexual cues, because in the back of mind I knew they meant I had to be ready for an exhausting olympic performance

I can relate to this but the other way around. I think in the past I lost a lot of that spontaneity & joy around sex because I knew I’d be in for a long pounding session that just didn’t do much for me.

[Stelmariah]

I think sex would be easier if women stopped lying about certain things in the bedroom. Like orgasm through penetration or even enjoying anal sex. The vast majority of women can’t orgasm with penetrative sex and even the ones who can, not all the time. Most of them despise anal sex.
Stop the lies.
I’ve told every single men I dated that women can’t cum via penetrative sex, they hate anal sex and they better believe it. And then some said but my ex really enjoyed it blablabla...and I said the lying little toad, maybe that’s why she is your ex.

[smallskylight]

I agree Stelmariah. I tell all my partners from the start that I don't cum through penetrative sex, I don't do anal, or choking and no you can't wank over me and then ejaculate on my body.

I suspect women pretend to cum though because of the pressure their partners put on them to do so. Some guys seem to regard it as a trophy.

Fifteentoes Interesting post - can I just say that I really admire your reflective and learning approach to sex. I bet you are an awesome lover. This point though, "There are women who can enjoy a full, long foreplay session up to the point where they direct it towards penetration because they feel ready - and then just get bored because penetration does nothing for them" I think this is me up to the getting bored bit. With great sex guy I did really enjoy penetrative sex, I think because I was so turned on and ready and desperate for it by then, that all the stars were aligned.

[smallskylight]

If a guy was really good at foreplay and really into you would you really care that he was losing and regaining his erection throughout that foreplay?

No I wouldn't if he looked he like was into what he was doing, instead of looking like if his phone was near by he would start texting his mum. Perhaps I worded it poorly about the erection thing. The guys I am remembering were clearly bored and thereofore lost their erections, as i tried to clarify upstream.

[Zaphodsotherhead]

I think men hope that women cum through PIV sex, because that's generally how they achieve orgasm. If their partner can get off from it too, then hooray, they don't need to bother with anything else! I've had men try to talk me into PIV orgasms to justify them pounding away for hours, like I don't know my body and what it can and can't do after all this time!

[Planbforme]

I’ve never faked an orgasm or lied about anal sex. I think all men & women are different & we’ve all had different experiences. We can only really speak for ourselves. I’ve never been passive or lied—although I did sleep with one horrible man who asked me to me passive and told me that he could only enjoy it if I just lay there and let him slap and choke me. Not a pleasant experience to say the least.

What I’d like to know though is from women, do ye ever climax during PiV sex? I have once ever & it was mild. One ex told me his ex did every single time which made me feel a little defective. If I came during sex, that’d change everything — at the moment I just stick with it until the man comes. There’s got to be a better way! 🥳

[Panticus]

@Planbforme come check out this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3977012-To-think-most-women-dont-cant-get-there-with-men

[smallskylight]

Oh God, don't check that thread out. It's full of women who orgasm just from being looked at. I mean really, the stats I have read are that most women do not orgasm through PIV (read variable stats, but in the ball mark of around a third), and lesbians are much more likely to orgasm than women who have sex with men (however that orgasm is achieved).

[Planbforme]

Thanks @Panticus

I had a look.

[category12]

I’ve told every single men I dated that women can’t cum via penetrative sex,

But that's not true, some women can. Like about 20% of women can - it's not a huge number, but it is significant - and it rather poisons the well if you teach men that women are perpetually lying about their experiences.

[Planbforme]

@smallskylight I get you! I have no problem whatsoever orgasming with a man or on my own but orgasming from PiV just doesn’t happen & rarely feels like it will. I can’t imagine just how amazing PiV sex would be if there was an orgasm involved for both parties.

Are you interested in women by the way? I honestly don’t think I’d like an intimate relationship with a woman — I could imagine sex but not all the other stuff so wouldn’t be fair. I would like to have really great sex with a man who was also great company!

[Hearhoovesthinkzebras]

@Stelmariah

I think sex would be easier if women stopped lying about certain things in the bedroom. Like orgasm through penetration or even enjoying anal sex. The vast majority of women can’t orgasm with penetrative sex and even the ones who can, not all the time. Most of them despise anal sex.
Stop the lies.
I’ve told every single men I dated that women can’t cum via penetrative sex, they hate anal sex and they better believe it. And then some said but my ex really enjoyed it blablabla...and I said the lying little toad, maybe that’s why she is your ex.

Why do you think it's ok to tell men that all women are the same as you and that if a woman tells a man she likes something she's lying? You can only talk about your experience. You can't talk for all women.

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

I’ve told every single men I dated that women can’t cum via penetrative sex, they hate anal sex and they better believe it Please don't try and speak for all women. Whilst it is true that many can't, some of ud can and some of us enjoy a varied sex life including anal sex. The only persons sexual experience you are qualified to comment on is your own.

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I disagree OP that thread is great, I wish when I was younger someone had said to me some of the things those women are saying. Women should talk more about sex, I still think it's treated as a Taboo subject that women shouldn't discuss.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

You have to tell people you don't like them choking you!!??? If anyone put their hands around my neck they'd be leaving through a fucking window!

Jesus Christ are this is what hetro porn does to men, absolutely clueless. They're basically being taught the method of how to wire an electrical circuit is hitting a brick with a hammer.

I despair for our daughters. 🤦

[Infamy]

Come over to the dark side OP! 😂 speaking as a lesbian so biased! But having had sex with both, women are FAR better ! And friends who are straight but have dallied agree!

Get thee into the Pink Sofa (lesbian online chat forum) OP!

But being serious it’s about who you fall in love with. I’ve never loved a man, hence I am a lesbian. I have straight friends who love sex with women but fundamentally they fall in love with men so say they can’t be lesbian even if they’d like too.

Best of luck OP!

[smallskylight]

I disagree OP that thread is great TBF I only read the first 3 pages, but it was so full of ' I orgasm merely by being in the same room as a man' that I gave up thinking it wasn't for me. Maybe it got better.

You have to tell people you don't like them choking you No-one has asked to choke me, I ward that off. I was surprised when I started dating again that middle aged guys asked for things that I thought were changes in sexual behaviour only influencing younger men, so I now just make it clear I am not doing any of that misogynistic porn stuff from the start. Also surprised that middle aged guys comment on me having pubic hair. Surely they grew up with that being normal!

They're basically being taught the method of how to wire an electrical circuit is hitting a brick with a hammer That is such a brilliant analogy!

[Sickoffamilydrama]

I can understand why OP that hearing other women say they orgasm easily is hard but there are others saying they don't. Sometimes I orgasm easily sometimes I don't it's just one of those things.

One thing that has helped me in the past is fantasising. As others have said when you are in a trusting relationship you could try talking about it and start with trying to orgasm in front of your partner.
Definitely this thread and the other one has cemented for me the need for me to be sex positive without being like Barbra Streisand in meet the fockers when talking about it with my children.

[Planbforme]

You have to tell people you don't like them choking you!!??? If anyone put their hands around my neck they'd be leaving through a fucking window Hear hear. I deeply regret and experience Shame that I didn’t do this time the guy who choked me without my consent. I think I was just so taken aback at the time. I still get flashbacks about it. He was such a porn-destroyed scumbag which I realised too late. He was almost ten years younger than me and I had never ever been with a man who behaved the way he did. He admitted to me that he had an out of control porn habit.

[Closetbeanmuncher]

I deeply regret and experience Shame that I didn’t do this time the guy who choked me without my consent. I think I was just so taken aback at the time

I'm really sorry to hear that plan b, what an awful experience 💐

[Planbforme]

Thank you @Closetbeanmuncher

He also slapped me and called me a slut and masturbated looking at me. It was the most dehumanising experience of my life. I wish I could say why I didn’t tell him to leave or stop. I regret that of course but I can’t change the past. I sometimes think of writing to him to tell him what a horrid experience it was (there are more details which I won’t write here). I would like to get closure on it and have faith in men again.