DD dad doesn't check her while in his care!

[Teatwosugars88]

Aibu for thinking it is unacceptable that my ex didn't doesn't check on our dd during their contact to ensure she has drunk enough, isn't to hot, isn't hungry etc.

DD is 21 months, she currently sees her dad 4 hours a week which is court ordered. She often comes back dehydrated and on one occasion I had sent her off in 3 layers of clothing because it was cool at handover yet as the day got warmer he didn't remove layers so she sweated through all the layers. I've only just found out that he didn't actually remove the layers until the end of their time together.. so four hours on a day where it reached 21c. He is trying to make out that I dressed her inappropriately, even though he arrived with a jacket as the morning was that cool.

But am I being unreasonable to think he should have been checking her and removing layers. Leads me to believe he just isn't checking on her, even if he had checked her nappy he would have realised she was too warm. It makes me so mad that he would do this then try and blame me.

@Teatwosugars88

I have been logging everything, hv is aware and gp too.

And @NoProblem123 when I say this I mean she screams as soon as she sees her dad, she can be happy and content and as soon as she sees him she'll start screaming. When I pick her up she has still crying or whinging and doesn't even wave goodbye.

As a mum it's your job to make her comfortable and happy about contact regardless that you dislike her going. Having photos in her room if her father for example. Video calls or messages etc. It requires input from you too. Tbh, though he may not be on top of his game, I get the impression you're going to hit him with a stick whatever he does and that he could never do well as a father in your eyes. With that blurring the situation, you need to record what you believe is happening but also take a step back and try not to let paranoia and hatred of him guide you.

[quote Teatwosugars88]@HoppingPavlova the temperature when I dropped her off was 11c, when I picked her up it was 21c.. yes I took a snap shot of the temperature as I new my ex would get his solicitors to write back with regards to her clothing.

As for setting it up to fail, I wouldn't ever put dd in a situation where she would be uncomfortable, in distress or danger just to spite my ex. Through all of this I have said I want them to have a relationship regardless of what he still continues to put me through.

As for her presenting state, she isn't dehydrated when she goes to the visit, she has full nappies etc. And I never said servely dehydrated but the GPS had confirmed she was dehydrated.[/quote]
Why would you even take her to the doctor straight after contact for a "confirmation"?

Why would you have taken a photo of the 11 degrees and 21 degrees unless you were purposely trying to set him up?
You need to be careful as you could start to come across as alienating him and paranoid.

I think you are well within your rights to monitor and raise every single concern.

He sounds monstrous.

I am utterly shocked at the amount of people defending a man who is not only more concerned with messing with the OP's head than meeting their DDs basic needs but has actually threatened to beat his own daughter, and stab her mother! You should all be ashamed of yourselves for trying to make the OP feel like she's overreacting. This man should be no where near a child.

And yes sweating combined with not drinking for 4 hours can cause dehydration. I certainly feel dry after this. OP specified it was mild but what happens when contact increases and it turns into 8 hours, 10 hours, a whole day?

Why do we have such low standards for non resident dads?

@donttouchmyhair

I am utterly shocked at the amount of people defending a man who is not only more concerned with messing with the OP's head than meeting their DDs basic needs but has actually threatened to beat his own daughter, and stab her mother! You should all be ashamed of yourselves for trying to make the OP feel like she's overreacting. This man should be no where near a child.

And yes sweating combined with not drinking for 4 hours can cause dehydration. I certainly feel dry after this. OP specified it was mild but what happens when contact increases and it turns into 8 hours, 10 hours, a whole day?

Let's get this into context.

Op has it in for him.

By the sounds of it gets her friends to spy and report back on him. Imagine if he did the same!

She has absolutely no idea whether he gives her alternative drinks. Just assuming not.

Likewise no idea whether he dresses her to return her as he received her.

And is trying to assert that a 4 hour weekly contact session compared to the 164 she's in the mother's care has led to regression. A total lack of consideration of child development and of factors linked to what op does with her could be contributing or indeed that you know what there are other things at play! For example that is the age many of the children in our asd group began to regress and show asd traits (not my lo however).

Give him a break. Give him a chance to father. Op@Teatwosugars88 you're supposed to have moved on from the relationship. Let it go. Obviously if there were genuine issues they need dealing, but you really do sound as though you're trying to find anything to justify reducing or stopping contsct and that's not in the child's best interests. You have grudges fair enough, but the court doesn't have any issues so don't try to create them at the risk of getting egg on your face and worst case accused of parental alienation.

@SoloMummy would you want a man who threatened to beat your child and stab you anywhere near your children?

Valid concerns are only called 'grudges' by those with an agenda.

In every situation the only thing that matter is - are the child's needs being met? Does this benefit the child?
In this case the childs needs are not being met and OP needs advice on how to proceed.

@SoloMummy, first let me be clear I have encouraged contact with dds father as long as dd could be safe guarded and ex sort his anger issues. If you read my previous posts you'd see that the reason I snapshot this information is because at every contact ex tried to suggest I wasn't adequately looking after dd because she was in inappropriate clothing.. so in the end I had to snap shot the weather, what dd was wearing and our conversations to show I wasn't trying to sabotage contact. With regards to the regression it started when contact restarted, her father decided to be absent for 5 months while I continuously tried to get something started because as I've said I court if they can have a healthy relationship I fully support that. I've already looked into asd the GP has said she doesn't think this is the case. As for assuming about the alternative drinks, I'm not, ex is very clear he gives her water I've explained she won't drink water and his response is well at some point she will.

In regards to spying, contact happens in a public park in my home town.. I have friends, family, some with dogs some with children I cannot help if they see dd and ex while out. And just so happens on the occasion they were seen ex said they wouldn't be staying in said park, if I was 'spying' surely I'd ask where he intended on taking her.

My frustrations come from the fact he is still showing all his past behaviours and dd is suffering because of that. She screams when she sees him, she is still in distress when I pick her up. I try to help him and instead all he can do is accuse me of not dressing her properly instead of I don't know being a parent and looking after dd. So please save your criticism and accusations for someone else, im trying to ensure I protect dd against a man who threw water in her face at 6 months old for crying and threatened to beat her. So yes while if he can be in her life and look after her great, but he is still showing the same lack of concern and apathy towards dd as he did before. And you can say what proof do I have but I would say not checking on your child for four hours, which he has admitted, proves that.

@HoppingPavlova, he could have had her in a hot car, I do not know, I only know what he has told me and what the GP said.. that she was in the pushchair the whole time, that he offered her water once and she refused and that he only checked on her at the end of contact.

@SoloMummy also purposely trying to set him up, I know I stated above about ex constantly trying to say i was inappropriately dressing dd (not wearing warm clothes on cold days even though I tried to hand over extra clothes etc).. but with that aside my trying to set him up, erm surely he should have been checking on dd and I don't know parenting in those four hours . But I wouldn't ever put dd into a situation that would cause her harm or discomfort purely to get back at ex.

Most of the time I suffer from such guilt about leaving ex, feeling terrible because I couldn't imagine spending months away from dd but counselling has helped me realise he decided to go nc for months, he decided to be abusive and while I feel bad I have to look out for dd. She is ultimately the reason why I left, if it wasn't for her I would still be in that relationship.

Looking back at the post I was only asking it it was unreasonable for me to think it's disgraceful for ex to not be checking on dd for four hours and when I say he admitted this I mean he admitted it in a solicitors letter so not just simply telling me. So I am honestly shocked that I'm being accused of setting ex up, he can see and knew what she was wearing and he decided not to take it off I didn't make or trick him into doing that.

[quote donttouchmyhair]@SoloMummy would you want a man who threatened to beat your child and stab you anywhere near your children? [/quote]
Threats to a partner when no doubt having an altercation are very different to asserting the father would threaten or injure the child.
Not ideal. But equally, op chose to have a child with him....

@Thelnebriati

Valid concerns are only called 'grudges' by those with an agenda.

In every situation the only thing that matter is - are the child's needs being met? Does this benefit the child?
In this case the childs needs are not being met and OP needs advice on how to proceed.

Or it can be pure and simple Vindictive or munchausen type conduct!

@SoloMummy OP has already said in a previous post that he has threatened to beat their DD so I haven't asserted anything, that's all you. fucking munchausen, are you serious?

And what's your point about OP choosing to have a child with him? So because she chose to have her DD with this man (remember a lot of men start to display abusive behaviour during pregnancy not before) that means she should just sit back and watch her daughter being neglected? 

You're coming across as deeply misogynistic.

Threats to a partner when no doubt having an altercation are very different to asserting the father would threaten or injure the child. Not ideal. But equally, op chose to have a child with him....

Not ideal? You're really embarrassing yourself on this thread @SoloMummy.

You've said would assume the best of a man who threatened to stab you and beat your daughter.

A man who threw water in that daughters face for crying when she was six months old.

In which case I feel sorry for your child. And you. Raise your bar, it's pitifully low.