DD dad doesn't check her while in his care!

[Teatwosugars88]

Aibu for thinking it is unacceptable that my ex didn't doesn't check on our dd during their contact to ensure she has drunk enough, isn't to hot, isn't hungry etc.

DD is 21 months, she currently sees her dad 4 hours a week which is court ordered. She often comes back dehydrated and on one occasion I had sent her off in 3 layers of clothing because it was cool at handover yet as the day got warmer he didn't remove layers so she sweated through all the layers. I've only just found out that he didn't actually remove the layers until the end of their time together.. so four hours on a day where it reached 21c. He is trying to make out that I dressed her inappropriately, even though he arrived with a jacket as the morning was that cool.

But am I being unreasonable to think he should have been checking her and removing layers. Leads me to believe he just isn't checking on her, even if he had checked her nappy he would have realised she was too warm. It makes me so mad that he would do this then try and blame me.

@teatwosugars88 yanbu, but many of the pp are. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to mitigate against your ex's neglect of your dd whilst he is in her care. He is responsible for meeting her needs whilst he is looking after her and if he is not sure he should be seeking advice from you or elsewhere. You are absolutely right to be recording and sharing your concerns. It is worrying how many posters on here are minimising child safeguarding issues and trying to shift responsibility to you when the responsibility is all his.

Yes there are factors that can make a baby dehydrate quickly but that is usually severe diarrhoea or vomiting. Regardless of what your GP said, 4 hours without a drink is not going to require A&E unless there is some other complication. AS for the three layers... were they all fleece material?

OP perhaps you can give out the GPs details so all the armchair experts can pass on their superior medical knowledge? /sarcasm

As you say, the contact hours will increase and if she is left in a pushchair, with no liquid and overheated, crying on departure and miserable on arrival then your concerns are valid.

Abuse takes many forms and it may be that he enjoys seeing you worried, deliberately ignoring your requests to care for his child better.

It means he has power over you, and that sounds like something an abuser would like.

I didn't say she required a&e after 4 hours, I said she was dehydrated after 4 hours and my concern is as time increases so will the dehydration. At no point did I say dd went on an IV or was admitted, I just stated she was dehydrated.

@GingerBeverage, I do think he likes to worry me, this is also the reason why I think he would be abusive towards her.. I'd allow him to abuse me but would defend and protect dd.

Not only the GP but also my sister who is a paramedic and mum who is a paediatric doctor at a well known children's hospital. Think is I wasn't looking for a debate on if dd was dehydrated or not, I know she was, my gp know she was.. nor am I ashamed to say im now keeping a paper trail, if this escalate I cant say oh yes xyz happened but I have no proof. All I wanted to know is if it's acceptable that ex doesn't check in on dd not be crucified for protecting dd

Op it sounds really stressful.
It’s clear he’s not really interested in DD. In your shoes I would continue to document everything. But I’d also appear unworried to his face. If he’s doing this to rile you (and I think that does play a part) then playing it cool to his face may help. Your HV and go are clearly aware so you’re doing well there

By all means tell him what to do and provide all the stuff she needs but try to keep it factual and unemotional

Certainly trying with the not appearing bothered @Rainbowqueeen, before I had family members doing handover's and now I'm doing them with family members present.

In some ways I think if I just don't fight him on anything he'll get bored and piss off. But when it's affecting dd so much I can't help it.

Sorry for your situation OP.

If it's his parents who are mainly pushing for contact through him do you think their interest will taper off? It sounds from what you've written like they want contact for the sake of it and the reality of actually looking after a child is too much for them. Do they have other GCs?

It’s obvious from your posts that you are safeguarding your DD’s wellbeing, unlike her dad. Contact has to be in the child’s best interests, not the parents. Experts if they are assessing a parent’s parenting capacity, will also look at how a child is pre & post contact i.e. how distressed they are, bed wetting, not sleeping well, clingy behaviour. A pre verbal child relies on their primary care giver, professionals involved to advocate for them.
Maybe your daughter will be safer in a contact centre, why contact can be assessed

I'm on your side.
He's not taking adequate care of her.
Other posters are too busy finding little loop holes in your story to see the bigger picture.
You know yourself. You feel it in your gut. He isn't taking adequate care of her.
My DH can be a bit like this.
Has to be reminded to put DCs coats on, sun cream, sun hats, drinks. Sometimes hes excellent, it's when there's something else on his mind that he forgets.
Men just aren't wired up with the same paternal instincts I'm afraid. Until she's older, you're going to have to be blatantly obvious and give detailed instructions prior to each visit as he just isn't capable.

@Hardbackwriter

I'm astonished that OP is being told she's being unreasonable about this. I wonder how many people would say that not giving a child a drink for four hours or not taking a toddler's jumper off even if they're sweaty and overheating was 'good enough' if it was the mother doing it? It's so depressing how our standard for good dad is basically 'is occasionally in the same physical space as their child'

FWIW, I think the dad sounds crap. But when it comes to managing a divorced parents situation, with court and contact etc thrown in, you can't just clutch your Pearl's at everything. It sounds harsh but you have to think of it as if you're standing in front of a judge (usually male) and making your complaints.

OP is welcome to get very upset about her exs parenting, but she has to deal with the unfortunate reality that her standards may be much higher than society's, especially when it comes to care during short visits.

This little girl is going to grow up and have to spend more time with her dad, most likely. So the answer has to include teaching dd how to care for herself, etc.

It's sad, but that is the reality of having a baby with a feckless man. Ask me how I know fwiw my ex became a better dad over time but the first year of separation was a steep, unpleasant learning curve.

Treading carefully my point about being rational is he has her 4 hrs a week and you are blaming the 4 hours for her development regressing.

nobody is going to believe you when you have genuine claims

Her behaviour is entirely understandable OP. I think you are correct that her experience of contact with ex is upsetting and affecting her.

I think if I just don't fight him on anything he'll get bored and piss off.

Yep, that’s the way to go. Honestly OP, you are right at being concerned, but being so precise about how an abuser should parent a kid, can only backfire. And it can backfire big time, from making your 3x angry and unpredictable at the time you hand him your child to be seen as a time waster by GP and court and lose their protection (yes, it does bloody happen, too many complaints and they start to ignore you or forbid you to apply to court for a determinantes time)

Send everything your DD needs with her, document everything that goes wrong and when you have enough evidence to prove a pattern of negative behaviour then you attack. As simple as that, if you end up going to the GP all the time or complaining about your ex’sparental skills constantly, it will make you look like an unreasonable nervous mother and make you far less credible, especially as he will be all fresh, relaxed and dismissive while you are desperate trying to prove your point.

Keep your cool woman, you are playing into his game. Send what your DD needs with her, be prepared to feed and water straight after she comes back and record, record, record everything that is going on.

I don’t doubt the GP said she was dehydrated if she was. I’m a medical professional and my mind is boggling as to how a really well hydrated child of 20 months, while sitting in a pram for 4hrs albeit potentially overdressed, who is then immediately given a big drink at the end of the 4 hrs is dehydrated such that a trip to the Dr is required to have this assessed and documented. Also, with ‘hot weather’ being claimed in low 20’s (although admittedly where I am from we would be cool and wear a jacket at that temp but as I worked in the UK for many years appreciate its t-shirt weather for you).

Kids go for waaaaay longer than that on surgical lists without a drink while waiting to go in and are not dehydrated. A little harder to find veins yes, dehydrated, no.

Something seems very odd with this.

If he's not used to having her, he's not going to know the full extent of her needs. I'm assuming it's his first? When mothers take home their firstborn baby they are not used to having them are they. They are expected to just crack on. But because it's a man he needs a guidebook and without one it's acceptable for him to be abusive? No.

OP The only thing I'm curious about is why take a screenshot when it was 11C? It's like you knew it would get so hot and her clothes wouldn't be changed? I'm just asking as I'd be careful how you present this in court.

I haven't read all of the comments but it astounds me how people are defending the half arsed attempt at parenting by the father.....especially when people are usually so superior on their parenting ability here. Just goes to show some posters will argue black is white with an OP.

You're arguing about the possibility of a child becoming dehydrated in 4 hours. Instead ask why it's so hard for a grown man to provide a toddler with a drink in a 4 hour period. Would you want to go without a drink for 4 hours? 'Oh but she's not properly dehydrated so it's fine' is a ridiculous response. She's still going to be uncomfortable and unhappy ffs.

I'm all for educating and helping a non residential parent understand their child's needs but if he's not receptive to this and he isn't doing what he needs to then I would go back to court. I couldn't allow a young child to go to someone who wasn't looking after her properly. What happens when she gets a bit older and is toddling around everywhere? Is he going to keep an eye on her then?

Genuinely thought his mum would undress dd and the layers weren't thick. But I honestly thought his mum would keep an eye on dd. I know it's less dangerous for dd to be cold than too hot, but because ex keeps trying to make out that I'm dressing her inappropriately I thought ok let me do layers that way the can be added and removed.

Originally I just said to ex in future please remove layers, if you take your coat off check dd. I wasn't happy of course but it was the first time this has happened with regards to not removing layers.. but it was then his solicitors email suggesting it was my fault that dd sweated through as I hadn't dressed her appropriately and to find out he only checked her at the end of contact which prior to the letter I wasn't aware it took him that long to check on dd.

@HoppingPavlova, as are my mother and sister both medical professionals.

Excellent. And they have both assessed her as very well hydrated at handover and then clinically dehydrated 4hrs later after sitting in her pram?

I’m not saying kids can’t get dehydrated in very short periods but the conditions need to be extreme. Lock a kid in a car without aircon on a hot day (and our definitions would probably differ there) and they wont last long. That’s extremely different to the situation you are describing and as I said every single day there are many kids on surgical lists waiting considerably longer again than you describe without any fluids, and while whingy after a certain period and sometimes a little harder than at other times to get an easy vein, they are not dehydrated so your case does seem odd.

Maybe an easy solution is to fill a cup with water and attach a cup holder to the pram within reach or tie a cup to the pram within reach (obviously making sure it’s a sip cup with one way valve so it doesn’t pour out everywhere). I had to do this with one, essentially it was that age where they think throwing stuff and having you constantly fetch it is hysterically funny so it solved that problem of constantly having to pick up the water they ‘had’ to hold while pushing them in the pram.

As a parent if your child is handed to you with too many layers on if they get hot you remove a layer you don't moan they are inappropriately dressed you correct it by removing a layer

Reminds me of my ex bleating at a core group meeting that "his son" was dirty when he collected him from nursery and I should be going in and changing him or the staff should it was one of those moments where we all just did this 👀👀👀👀 and the school said no the social worker said perhaps you should have clean clothing at your moms to change him into he said slippery needs to give me his clothes then she said go to primark you can afford a car go spend a pound on a tshirt! Nursery said mum puts spare clothing in the bag use that I literally sat there and said nothing to defend myself we could all see he was being a prick

Could you send some fruit shoot type drinks with her, one in her hand, one in the stroller pocket & one in her bag. Does he change her nappy if she is wet? I know this is one of the things that the caffcass observers were very interested in when my late partner had observed sessions with his children, did he make sure they had food & drink, did he change nappies, his dd had very bad nappy rash, he pointed it out to the observers the first time he changed her nappy & showed he had made sure she was clean, dry & had put cream on, his ex wasn't using cream but he made sure he was using it every change.

Leaving a child strapped into a pushchair for hours is neglectful.