DD dad doesn't check her while in his care!

[Teatwosugars88]

Aibu for thinking it is unacceptable that my ex didn't doesn't check on our dd during their contact to ensure she has drunk enough, isn't to hot, isn't hungry etc.

DD is 21 months, she currently sees her dad 4 hours a week which is court ordered. She often comes back dehydrated and on one occasion I had sent her off in 3 layers of clothing because it was cool at handover yet as the day got warmer he didn't remove layers so she sweated through all the layers. I've only just found out that he didn't actually remove the layers until the end of their time together.. so four hours on a day where it reached 21c. He is trying to make out that I dressed her inappropriately, even though he arrived with a jacket as the morning was that cool.

But am I being unreasonable to think he should have been checking her and removing layers. Leads me to believe he just isn't checking on her, even if he had checked her nappy he would have realised she was too warm. It makes me so mad that he would do this then try and blame me.

@pestov she was in 3 layers because it was a cool morning and contact was outside. Usually I don't send her off so wrapped up but even ex had a coat on and jump this particular morning. I have tried to hand him extra clothes for if the weather changes, gave him her favourite juice cup.. told him all her little cues and words but he just get defensive. I've even said just leave her juice cup with her she'll drink when she needs to.

@HoppingPavlova the temperature when I dropped her off was 11c, when I picked her up it was 21c.. yes I took a snap shot of the temperature as I new my ex would get his solicitors to write back with regards to her clothing.

As for setting it up to fail, I wouldn't ever put dd in a situation where she would be uncomfortable, in distress or danger just to spite my ex. Through all of this I have said I want them to have a relationship regardless of what he still continues to put me through.

As for her presenting state, she isn't dehydrated when she goes to the visit, she has full nappies etc. And I never said servely dehydrated but the GPS had confirmed she was dehydrated.

Hi, yanbu to be worried. Please try to listen to yourself, you know the other parent and you know your daughter.

Speak to the GP or other professional about the concerns.

I can hear you are worried, you are absolutely not setting anything up to fail (that comment above made me feel ), you are not to blame for this.

I’m also surprised at the bitchy comments on here... actually it’s MN and since lockdown things on here have got horrible.

I’m sorry OP you are in a shitty situation, like others have said I would document everything, take photos, report back to your HV and then hopefully you can go back to court and change the order. Could a children’s contact centre work? I guess maybe not at the moment with covid. Could you speak to the other adults present? Maybe pick on battle that is the most important to you and raise that- maybe the water situation?

I’m sorry you’re going through this; this must be distressing seeing your dd unhappy and worried about going.

She isn't likely to be coming back 'often' dehydrated. Not from a 4 hour visit. I'm also not sure having too many layers on one time is that noteworthy. Sounds more like you are 'building a case' so my only advice is, sure, note everything but don't get bogged down in the pettiness because that will always come back to bite you.

@HoppingPavlova

if she is wearing several thick layers then sure, he should look to take some off if it heats up. But are you saying the temperature skyrockets where you are to that extent within 4 hours so many layers are required when you drop off but none are required a few hours later?

Yesterday I took my kids out at 8am it was pretty cold ... by 11am is was very warm by 12 is was hot and I put suncream on them! So yes it can change so much in 4 hours! Maybe not on the planet you live on!

If she is getting so dehydrated in such a short space of time then she needs further investigation.how does she cope over night?

If she is in the pram on cool mornings can you not put a light blanket over her that she can push off when too warm?

I think you need to be careful not to let your anxieties and worries which are understandable blur your prospective

Juice cup? Do you give her juice at 21 months old?

honestly i would try to get it back to court or something. he doesn't look after your DD and she hates going. that alone is enough to worry me

Op, I get that you are worried and that care is not up to your standard. Yes you should document everything.
However, your ex has no parenting skills. He needs to learn them and you can do a lot to help the situation without being confrontational.
Yes, dress her in layers but say “her sweater will need to come off when it gets a bit warmer”. Say “she’s had her breakfast but she’ll need a drink and a biscuit mid-morning”.
You have 17 years of co-parenting to get through and it’ll be much easier for your daughter if you can help him learn without getting his back up.

And yes, I know you shouldn’t need to but it’ll make life much nicer for your dd.

Shocked by some of the comments on here - OP has concerns of neglect - child been left in a pushchair for hours, not given drink and wearing inappropriate clothing. If that’s the reality OP shouldn’t be trying to “work around” this by teaching independence, overcompensating with food and drink before and after etc! What happens if abusive partner’s court ordered contact increases? If needs so basic as giving a baby/toddler fluids aren’t been met what about other basic needs now and as they get older. I’m not sure why OP needs to be cross examined on things like how she knows her child hates contact etc.

Trust your instincts OP and act on them - look at NSPCC website te what to do if you have concerns about a child.

Obviously you are not on good terms but he doesn’t sound like he knows how to parent.

Write him a list of meal/snack times. Send the snacks. Send a couple of drinks with her with times to give them to her or tell him to just put them where she can access them easily.

How do you know he leaves her in the pushchair most of the time? Tell him not to.

If the weather changes dramatically whilst she is away from you, drop him a text reminding him to add/remove a layer. He won’t appreciate it but hopefully it will kickstart him into doing these things himself.

I'm astonished that OP is being told she's being unreasonable about this. I wonder how many people would say that not giving a child a drink for four hours or not taking a toddler's jumper off even if they're sweaty and overheating was 'good enough' if it was the mother doing it? It's so depressing how our standard for good dad is basically 'is occasionally in the same physical space as their child'

I agree with pp though, if he still can’t meet her basic needs even with basic instructions from you then you need to instruct your solicitor to go back to court to reduce contact.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Seriously? IS THAT WHAT MATTERS HERE?
Get a grip and do one

Juice cup? Do you give her juice at 21 months old?

OverTheRainbow88 feeling better now you got it out off your chest? Who made you the thread police.

Jesus, anyone who’s ever done any kind of safeguarding training knows that these are red flags. Not major in themselves, but speak to a bigger picture that NEEDS documenting. Pictures, dates, times, events - all communicated with the relevant parties at the time of occurring.

OP, ignore the naysayers on here. Every single sensible human being (bear in mind there were three adults there) knows that a 21 month old cant necessarily communicate that they are hot, thirsty etc. It’s got bugger all to do with not being used to parenting.

And this is coming from me, a very relaxed parent!

Thing is I know I'm anxious, after everything he has done not only to myself but dd I'm bound to be. Reason I've come here is because even though court knows about his abusive behaviour I'm continuously told it's in the past, so to be honest I doubt my instincts. DD is distressed after contact, her behaviour had changed, she is coming back dehydrated (mild-moderately) and as contact increases which it is going to do very soon this will only worsen if he doesn't change. I tell him everything at handover, the only thing I can think of is to do as a previous pp has said and text when weather changes etc.

Ex also has dds schedule I sent this over to him.

It is not enough to document everything yourself. Neither to you need to tell him how to parent. Report everything to the child's GP -every single time with photographs, evidence and witness statements - always report and don't be fobbed off by reception -say I am reporting a safeguarding concern of my child called x and born y and I need to speak to the GP responsible for safeguarding etc.. Always take someone to pick up and drop off. Get them to text you immediately after - Hi - just following up on x when I was with you she seemed really really ill with x when her father handed her over -did you take her to the GP? Why was she wearing 4 layers of clothes in 21 degree heat etc? Also let SS know.

Not even a 12 year old can be independent against an abusive adult. Is the access supervised? Unfortunately the court will sometimes see it as a "learning experience" for him.

The only thing I can say is get a GP on side with reporting and logging everything and don't minimise it. But you need photos, evidence and make sure everything is with him.
But you must log EVERYTHING with the GP so there is an official record.

If she is getting so dehydrated in such a short space of time then she needs further investigation.how does she cope over night

Presumably she wouldnt cope without a drink overnight if she was being kept overdressed, overheated and excessively sweating under OP’s care as she is under the “father’s” supervision. Excessive perspiration will very quickly lead to dehydration, and a young toddler can’t really take layers off herself.

The doubters need to stop with the sarky posting now. Report if you have doubts.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Because a mum has come on here taking about an abusive relationship, which luckily she has escaped, she’s concerned about the well being of her dd, and all you can do is criticise her choice in drink! Can’t you see that is a dickish thing to do?

@Teatwosugars88

Thing is I know I'm anxious, after everything he has done not only to myself but dd I'm bound to be. Reason I've come here is because even though court knows about his abusive behaviour I'm continuously told it's in the past, so to be honest I doubt my instincts. DD is distressed after contact, her behaviour had changed, she is coming back dehydrated (mild-moderately) and as contact increases which it is going to do very soon this will only worsen if he doesn't change. I tell him everything at handover, the only thing I can think of is to do as a previous pp has said and text when weather changes etc.

Ex also has dds schedule I sent this over to him.

Tell him is not evidence. Text him. Every single time. Please make sure she has appropriate clothes on for the weather, please ensure she has a drink and something suitable (age appropriate) to eat, please ensure her wellbeing is put first at all times, nappies changed : clean / dry etc

Log with text afterwards. When I picked up "Lucy" at 5pm she was in 4 layers of clothes and has a temperature of 40. See attached picture of thermometer. She was dehydrated and I have had to take her to the GP. Following this ............treatment was............. I am highly concerned that you unable to look after her etc as per the adult parent in this situation. All had been reported and logged with the GP.

Your poor dd. Don’t doubt yourself. In your position I would send her off in thinner clothes / one layer. Rather be a little cold for an hour than overheating in 3 layers : Children often don’t seem to feel the cold like adults.

Keep a factual-free from emotion and your interpretations record. The court would only pay attention to patterns of behaviour when it comes to non severe incidents.

There are many things he could do better, but IME trying to get an abusive man to parent your child as you would only leads to him doing exactly the opposite just for him to prove to you your opinion doesn’t count.

Best course of action for DD’s sake, is to send DD on clothes she can easily remove, put a bottle of water in the pushchair where she can reach it (you can find something to keep it in place) and a Tupperware with a snack that doesn’t go off in case she feels hungry. Then repeat same procedure when you are out with her to help her learn how to help herself. Disclaimer: I KNOW such a young child shouldn’t be taking care of herself but needs must. My son was able to defrost and microwave his dinner at 4, but then he had the kind of dad that didn’t remember to feed him even when he was having dinner himself with his friends in the same room.

@Bemorechicken oh I've done it all via email, text or solicitors. Since before I left the relationship I made sure I done this.